Courage To Change 3/6- How we respond to senseless arguments and deflection.
MissM said
Jun 3, 2017
Today's c2c discusses the tendency addicts have to provoke arguments about irrelevant (or non-existent) things, to divert attention away from their substance abuse and it's effects. When we are attacked, we respond and try to argue back (or reason, plead, etc) and because we are arguing about something that was never a real issue in the first place, it can be an infuriating and completely irrational experience. The reading points out that we "make it real" by allowing ourselves to engage with it and argue with it. Meanwhile, the alcoholic's aim is achieved...no-one is focusing on their alcoholism because everyone is focused on the new problem they have invented.
Returning to step 1- admitting that we are powerless- is suggested as the way to begin to deal with this all-too common crisis. We are powerless over this disease and we do not have enough strength to take it on ourselves. It requires a power much greater than ourselves and our arguing abilities to cure alcoholism and restore sanity!
The reading reminds us that we are responsible for maintaining our own safety and must fight to defend that when necessary but, when we are not in real danger, we can choose to disengage and not respond to provocation. We do not have to attend every argument we are invited to!
***
Being powerless seems so counter-intuitive and illogical at first. Many of us struggle with the concept, imagining it is a means of letting the alcoholic/addict/protagonist "get away" with their bad behavior or abuse. Yet, that in itself implies that we believe we have the power, with our mere words and logic, to change another person's thinking and cause them to overcome an illness that they themselves are in fact powerless over. Arriving at the understanding that I actually cannot argue a sick person into being well was such an enormous relief- it was as if I had been trying to move a mountain one teaspoonful of dirt at a time. I couldn't have hoped to do much more than put some small holes in the old mountain and exhaust and depress myself with the insane and fruitless task.
And the funny part is, looking back now at all of those senseless, deflective arguments, the sheer magnitude of the time wasted is mind boggling. As I was pondering this reading, I wondered for a moment what it would be like to watch back over all of those years of demented arguments at once, like a movie and see the insanity. I asked my daughter, "what's a movie that's just about 2 idiots arguing about nothing?" and she suggested Step-Brothers. I think, sadly, that about sums up my relationships pre-al-anon. Maybe with a touch of Fear and Loathing thrown in, lol and sigh.
Learning that I was powerless over not only the behavior of others, but my own urge to defend myself and "win" every argument I caught wind of (whether it involved me or not) was a big part of my own disease. That compulsion lifted when i came to understand that really simple al-anon saying- "I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to", and when I realised, finally, that I simply did not have the power to change someone else's thinking any more than they had the power to change mine. In fact, isn't that WHY I was so outraged every time a qualifier started a fight and accused me of something outrageous? Because it's at the core of human nature to defend our perception of reality to the bitter end. Imagining that I could somehow change that in another person is just...it's absurd.
Finally, the reading suggests that if our safety isn't threatened, we can disengage. I would say that when I was engaged in a constant war-about-nothing, my safety was always in peril because I felt as though I was losing my mind. Arguing and asserting the "correct' reality seemed the only possible way to protect my sanity. It makes sense...until it doesn't. The positive affirmations and reminders to focus on my own assets helped me build my confidence to a point where I could finally feel confident enough in my own perception of reality to leave someone else to their own, even if it disagrees with mine. I no longer need anyone else to validate my reality by agreeing with it; I've learned to do that all by myself. What a gift
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 01:37:12 AM
Aline said
Jun 3, 2017
Thank you, MissM. Great topic and great share. Before I came to Alanon I didn't see any other way of how to respond to accusations etc. except to somehow prove that I'm right... A lot of time and effort wasted... I still have to go to Step 1 sometimes, because I occasionally allow myself to get sucked into an argument even though I should know better... Well, its progress and not perfection. :)
hotrod said
Jun 3, 2017
Good morning Ms. M. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this very important topic and for your service. I too thought that admitting that I was powerless over others, was admitting defeat. How silly it was. I?
Attending meetings, using Al-Anon tools studying the first step, soon revealed the difficult truth of my denial and my inability to accept reality. I soon discovered that in practicing the first step, admitting powerlessness did not mean that I was doomed to live in the insanity of the disease without assistance.
Al-Anon tools gave me permission to keep the focus on myself, examine my motives, own my part in difficult situations, and to change my destructive attitudes. What a difference that made! I was no longer powerless, but with the help of my higher power. I had power over myself, which was all I needed in order to rebuild my life.
Detachment, the first three steps and the sponsor helped me tremendously
I hope you have a lovely day
Enigmatic said
Jun 3, 2017
Good morning Miss M, thank you very much for your service and ESH on a great topic.
Wow, so many good points...Before I ran up against alcoholism and found AlAnon, I thought there was nothing that I was powerless over; what a learning opportunity. I put so much pressure on myself, and others, to try to hold onto this world view.
The relief I found when I accepted my powerlessness was nothing short of life changing, and it is still changing my life for the better as I find more ways and effective means to apply it. So grateful for the wisdom of the program and the gift of the fellowship
Stan1 said
Jun 3, 2017
Thank you MissM for C2C and for ESH from those before me. I really like "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to". I stopped participating when I found out that my A was just using the arguments as an excuse to drink more....duh Users Use. My work needs to stay with What am I getting out of an argument? AM I using the alcoholic to feel superior or prove that I am right? Not that people don't have disagreements, everyone is unique personalities therefore I need to keep principles over personality in mind. I do not want to use someone else to feel better about myself.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 03:37:34 PM
Today's c2c discusses the tendency addicts have to provoke arguments about irrelevant (or non-existent) things, to divert attention away from their substance abuse and it's effects. When we are attacked, we respond and try to argue back (or reason, plead, etc) and because we are arguing about something that was never a real issue in the first place, it can be an infuriating and completely irrational experience. The reading points out that we "make it real" by allowing ourselves to engage with it and argue with it. Meanwhile, the alcoholic's aim is achieved...no-one is focusing on their alcoholism because everyone is focused on the new problem they have invented.
Returning to step 1- admitting that we are powerless- is suggested as the way to begin to deal with this all-too common crisis. We are powerless over this disease and we do not have enough strength to take it on ourselves. It requires a power much greater than ourselves and our arguing abilities to cure alcoholism and restore sanity!
The reading reminds us that we are responsible for maintaining our own safety and must fight to defend that when necessary but, when we are not in real danger, we can choose to disengage and not respond to provocation. We do not have to attend every argument we are invited to!
***
Being powerless seems so counter-intuitive and illogical at first. Many of us struggle with the concept, imagining it is a means of letting the alcoholic/addict/protagonist "get away" with their bad behavior or abuse. Yet, that in itself implies that we believe we have the power, with our mere words and logic, to change another person's thinking and cause them to overcome an illness that they themselves are in fact powerless over. Arriving at the understanding that I actually cannot argue a sick person into being well was such an enormous relief- it was as if I had been trying to move a mountain one teaspoonful of dirt at a time. I couldn't have hoped to do much more than put some small holes in the old mountain and exhaust and depress myself with the insane and fruitless task.
And the funny part is, looking back now at all of those senseless, deflective arguments, the sheer magnitude of the time wasted is mind boggling. As I was pondering this reading, I wondered for a moment what it would be like to watch back over all of those years of demented arguments at once, like a movie and see the insanity. I asked my daughter, "what's a movie that's just about 2 idiots arguing about nothing?" and she suggested Step-Brothers. I think, sadly, that about sums up my relationships pre-al-anon. Maybe with a touch of Fear and Loathing thrown in, lol and sigh.
Learning that I was powerless over not only the behavior of others, but my own urge to defend myself and "win" every argument I caught wind of (whether it involved me or not) was a big part of my own disease. That compulsion lifted when i came to understand that really simple al-anon saying- "I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to", and when I realised, finally, that I simply did not have the power to change someone else's thinking any more than they had the power to change mine. In fact, isn't that WHY I was so outraged every time a qualifier started a fight and accused me of something outrageous? Because it's at the core of human nature to defend our perception of reality to the bitter end. Imagining that I could somehow change that in another person is just...it's absurd.
Finally, the reading suggests that if our safety isn't threatened, we can disengage. I would say that when I was engaged in a constant war-about-nothing, my safety was always in peril because I felt as though I was losing my mind. Arguing and asserting the "correct' reality seemed the only possible way to protect my sanity. It makes sense...until it doesn't. The positive affirmations and reminders to focus on my own assets helped me build my confidence to a point where I could finally feel confident enough in my own perception of reality to leave someone else to their own, even if it disagrees with mine. I no longer need anyone else to validate my reality by agreeing with it; I've learned to do that all by myself. What a gift
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 01:37:12 AM
Good morning Ms. M. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this very important topic and for your service. I too thought that admitting that I was powerless over others, was admitting defeat. How silly it was. I?
Attending meetings, using Al-Anon tools studying the first step, soon revealed the difficult truth of my denial and my inability to accept reality. I soon discovered that in practicing the first step, admitting powerlessness did not mean that I was doomed to live in the insanity of the disease without assistance.
Al-Anon tools gave me permission to keep the focus on myself, examine my motives, own my part in difficult situations, and to change my destructive attitudes. What a difference that made! I was no longer powerless, but with the help of my higher power. I had power over myself, which was all I needed in order to rebuild my life.
Detachment, the first three steps and the sponsor helped me tremendously
I hope you have a lovely day
Wow, so many good points...Before I ran up against alcoholism and found AlAnon, I thought there was nothing that I was powerless over; what a learning opportunity. I put so much pressure on myself, and others, to try to hold onto this world view.
The relief I found when I accepted my powerlessness was nothing short of life changing, and it is still changing my life for the better as I find more ways and effective means to apply it. So grateful for the wisdom of the program and the gift of the fellowship
Thank you MissM for C2C and for ESH from those before me. I really like "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to". I stopped participating when I found out that my A was just using the arguments as an excuse to drink more....duh Users Use. My work needs to stay with What am I getting out of an argument? AM I using the alcoholic to feel superior or prove that I am right? Not that people don't have disagreements, everyone is unique personalities therefore I need to keep principles over personality in mind. I do not want to use someone else to feel better about myself.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 03:37:34 PM