I've had some insight lately into something that I am not the most proud of about myself. I can hold a grudge for a long time. And I'm really not very good at accepting apologies. A recent incident with a friend helped me see this. I had a friend who did something crappy, apologized pretty quickly about it in a sincere way. I accepted it but underneath I really didn't accept it. And then I did what I seem to do best I pulled away and gave him the cold shoulder. Suddenly I realized he was ignoring me and I was outraged "He was mean to ME then HE ignores ME when he didn't even apologize properly in the first place". That is the actual crazy thought I caught swirling around in my head. It's embarrassing to admit any of this but I do this with a lot of people in my life and I don't like this about myself. If someone does something wrong to me and they apologize I can't let it go easily. I'm often quick to accept the apology verbally but it takes a long time for my heart to catch up. I have heard this from many people that I have coldly shut out because I continued to hold a grudge against them. I hear from my AH all the time how I won't accept an apology unless it is a perfect apology. He's partially right about that. I am grateful about this incident with my friend because even though it drove me a little nuts at first I got some really great insight into it. Does anyone else experience this and have you made progress with it? Any ESH would be appreciated. Thanks!
Aline said
May 31, 2017
Hi, Kt :) Your post resonates with me, I used to hold grudges, mostly towards my abf, not forgetting a single bad thing he said to me or did, etc. At the time I felt I just couldn't let it go, his behavior wasn't OK, he just HAD to be properly sorry and regretful, otherwise he would never learn from his mistakes, if he didn't even admit them, etc etc etc... When I came to Alanon, I was pretty much an emotional wreck as well as a physical wreck - I had exhausted myself so much with worry, stress, resentment, anger, frustration, etc. that some real health issues came up. As I'm a mild (I think) hypochondriac, this really, really bothered, even scared me.
After coming to Alanon I quickly realized that I was hurting myself with all these extremely prolonged periods filled with so many negative emotions and that I had a choice in this. So for me I can honestly say letting go of dwelling on the negative feelings was first and foremost about not hurting myself. I was truly close to the breaking point when I came to my first meeting, where I saw some hope I wouldn't become bed-ridden from stress at age 28, or worse. By that time, which was early this January, I sometimes felt sure I would get committed to some mental institution before long if life continued as it was.
So my letting go of resentments and worry and the rest of it - I mean, I experience these things, but I really try to let go of them as quickly as I'm able to - was the only way I could survive at all. Now I'm gradually moving on from surviving to living, which is incredible, especially remembering what a miserable, stress-eaten woman I used to be not even 6 months ago.
As usual, take what you want and leave the rest, and take care :)
Edit: Just re-read my post and realized that the episode of being mostly bed-ridden for more than two weeks came after I had attended a few meetings already. I had several health tests done, blood, lungs, heart, all was pretty much OK, my doctor though that it was stress related. It was. About a week after I became more or less able to spend a day working without falling straight into bed almost the moment after I came home, I had a business trip to London (it was planned a couple of months beforehand). I was somewhat worried I would get this total weakness when I arrived there, but the trip had the opposite effect, and I was rejuvenated, although I spent a lot of the time working. Being free of the constant craziness at home, seeing a new country and experiencing new things was just what the doctor prescribed :) After coming back home I re-started F2F meetings and since then things have been going mostly up for me. Coming to Alanon was a road-changer, and I think that terrible low, that unexplicable weakness was just my body telling me "it is time to Let Go". I remember some days I would be a little better, but when my abf asked me if I could do this that, anything, I got worse again really quickly and just got back into bed. I wasn't able to tell "no" at that point myself, so my body said its own "no" for me...
-- Edited by Aline on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 02:12:06 PM
hotrod said
May 31, 2017
Hi KT I can certainly identify with holding grudges and resentments for years and years and entering r Al-Anon and I was handed the tools that saved my life. Working steps four through 11 shed light on what I was doing to hurt myself, but it also told me that I could not change myself. That I was powerless over fixing my negative attitudes that I had to Humbly ask my Higher Power to do this. The Six Step suggests that I become entirely ready to have my defects removed. The only way I did that was by attending meetings, reading literature, praying, and then one day I turned around and saw that I was responding differently. I was no longer abrupt and sarcastic, nor did I jump to conclusions or judge or criticize. I did nothing directly to eliminate these responses consciously. However, by asking HP to lift my defects and using the tools that Al-Anon offered me, the defects were lifted and I was able to respond with kindness, courtesy and respect.
The program works
KT2015 said
May 31, 2017
thanks to you both. Betty I am currently working the fourth step but I didn't really identify this yet so I am glad I had this insight at this time. I will be patient and work through the steps in order and not jump to change it. The fact that I am aware of it is enough for me right now.
hotrod said
May 31, 2017
I agreeKT I have found that seeing it is half the battle Keep on keeping on.
deacon said
May 31, 2017
Interesting topic! I have been accused of holding a grudge against two people in my family for years. I have been told that I have never forgiven them for some very negative and honestly kind of depraved behavior. Before attending meetings and facing my faults, I think I was in agreement that I was just not a person who forgives easily. But.... upon pondering and listening, I realize that I have not been avoiding them because I have not forgiven them. Forgiveness is not mine to give- the betrayals they did were against another and much more vulnerable member of our family. And they have never made amends in any way to her.
So I am not holding a grudge for past actions, I just do not want them in my life because they are poisonous. I think the most important thing I have learned is that it is not for me to forgive or judge. I need to keep my own counsel and keep apart from negative influences. And like you Betty, I have learned to view all sides and realize that we all carry unseen burdens that determine our behavior.
Bo said
Jun 1, 2017
KT2015 wrote:
I've had some insight lately into something that I am not the most proud of about myself. I can hold a grudge for a long time. And I'm really not very good at accepting apologies. A recent incident with a friend helped me see this. I had a friend who did something crappy, apologized pretty quickly about it in a sincere way. I accepted it but underneath I really didn't accept it. And then I did what I seem to do best I pulled away and gave him the cold shoulder. Suddenly I realized he was ignoring me and I was outraged "He was mean to ME then HE ignores ME when he didn't even apologize properly in the first place". That is the actual crazy thought I caught swirling around in my head. It's embarrassing to admit any of this but I do this with a lot of people in my life and I don't like this about myself. If someone does something wrong to me and they apologize I can't let it go easily. I'm often quick to accept the apology verbally but it takes a long time for my heart to catch up. I have heard this from many people that I have coldly shut out because I continued to hold a grudge against them. I hear from my AH all the time how I won't accept an apology unless it is a perfect apology. He's partially right about that. I am grateful about this incident with my friend because even though it drove me a little nuts at first I got some really great insight into it. Does anyone else experience this and have you made progress with it? Any ESH would be appreciated. Thanks!
This is about YOU. Period. There is something in you -- perhaps anger and resentment -- that is causing you to be this way. This is something you can work on. Perhaps there is an element of acceptance there. Something. I went through a similar phase, and I worked on it with my sponsor, and again in doing Blueprint for Progress. It worked! It was a problem with anger and resentment, which was a byproduct of acceptance -- and lack of actually, LOL -- and that impacted me, moving forward, in other relationships. It impact me almost everywhere.
I had to work on that and resolve it. So, I did. LOL.
Iamhere said
Jun 2, 2017
Hey KT - as I read your post, and the responses I was in awe of how the program and a higher power works! You wrote about your awareness of grudge-holding, and then Betty suggested how the steps set her free....you then responded that you were right where she suggested, and I smiled.....all because the miracles that we are asked to consider are right in front of us. I am one who believes these small events are not coincidences - they are planned!
I too found out many things about myself during step work. What has always amazed me is while I did my first, second, etc. set of steps, I was truly as honest and comprehensive as I could be. Yet, each time I return to step work, more is revealed. This reminds me of the three A(s) and how we can cycle through life and just continue to grow spiritually.
As a double winner, we are taught that resentments are the number one reason why many return to mind altering substances. We are incapable/unwilling to learn how to let go, and thus become consumed. As the disease is always present and waiting to return and take over, the inability to be completely honest with another person and HP can be life ending. We say often, "I'll show you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This is said 'in jest' as truly the only person we hurt when we can't let go of hurt, resentment, etc. is us.
I am a quality expert and process improvement person by trade. In theory, the best way to improve a process is to identify the root cause of the failure point. Well......before recovery, I often would 'analyze' and determine the root cause was 'them'...what recovery helped me with was to change this up - Yes, they are who they are and did what they did yet what is it about me that has me so wrapped up?
I found that fear was the root cause of so many 'isms' for me in both programs. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being alone, fear of being less than, etc. I was even afraid to forgive as I felt forgiveness was a 'get out of jail free card' for those who hurt me. I had a lot of work to do in program around fear and had to be taught that a fear-based life was a huge block to spiritual growth.
You're half way home to a new way of being/responding once you 'see' and are aware of the pattern. This has been true for me over and over again...Keep coming back!!
Wednesday said
Jun 2, 2017
I can totally relate to this. I am still holding a grudge against an ex from over a decade ago. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your heart needs to catch up with your head.
2HP said
Jun 3, 2017
I love the post KT, and how you model our program, always sharing "when they did this... I do that." It takes a lot of courage.
applause, applause!!!
I do relate to "needing" from others, whether its an apology or whatever... relying upon others for my mental peace.
but today, apologies are kind of meaningless words to me. I had gotten so many where the words were not backed up by a change in behavior. So spare me the apology and just show me you mean it. I am powerless to direct that show, however.
And I relate to the passive aggressive thing where to someones face, I can be all nice and sweet but when I turn around and walk away, the habitual criticisms and negativities start building in my brain... and if I dont catch that and continue fanning that flame, I end up with a full blown resentment or a grudge.... just burning in my brain. It makes me a dishonest person in relationships because I don't take it to the person directly.
Why do I do it? I think its because my brain is conditioned for distrust and insincerity and disappointment in relationships. and that tape unconsciously keeps playing in my head despite all the "good" that may actually be happening today.
I agree that it comes from fear, fear for self-protection because my trust level has been affected by alcoholism. Unconsciously, my brain wants protection from more disappointment and pain because Ive been so wounded. My brain forgets that I am safe today because today.... I can tap into a power GREATER than alcoholism and all my fears and worries.
The beauty of this program is that I get to bring the focus back to me and how I am causing myself to suffer. Today I see and catch myself doing all of that and I've learned to snip that old storyline like a cartoonish balloon string attached to my brain... up and away it goes, that old fearful story. At any moment, I can begin my day all over again.
One of the greatest rewards of our program is that I have learned how to make amends.... I can offer a verbal apology or simply change my erring ways or I can do both. The main thing is for me is that it is much more between me and my Higher Power than anything, or anyone...
And so, when someone doesn't like my amends or rejects my olive branch... (I can think of one person who crossed her arms angrily waiting for me to say something more than I did...) I can remember that the forgiveness of others is NOT my ultimate goal (although it is wonderful, it's something I cannot control...) My goal is simply to make it right between me and God... be who I believe God wants me to be moving forward... and offering self-forgiveness and making peace in my head and just letting the experience change ME into a better person.
Anyway. I came in late ((my friend)) but wanted to offer you my ESH. way to work it!
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 02:20:25 PM
tiredtonite said
Jun 3, 2017
Hi KT
I've had some experience with this but there can be many reasons concerning your own personal behavior in these situations. Working the 4th and 5th steps were very helpful for understanding myself and why I do the thing I do. Here are a few things that were true for me concerning apologies when I was new to Alanon.
When I was living with someone who was actively drinking/drugging, trying to make someone work for my forgiveness was a desperate skewed way of seeking attention because I got very little attention from my addicted husband whose attention was on his habit. My hope was that while drinking and drugging, he might come back to me over and over due to my acts of brooding and tears and give me attention by begging for my forgiveness. Obviously, I didn't know a whole lot about the disease of alcoholism/addiction when I got to Alanon. I was trying to manipulate the situation with inappropriate behavior to control something I couldn't "alcoholism." I created a false feeling of self worth when in fact, I felt none. I was a brooding martyr who tried to get attention through tears, acting pitiful and believing I was a victim of another's behavior. Once I began surrounding myself with people in recovery and found a sponsor and worked the steps I found healthier, more adult ways to deal with where I was at emotionally and accept where others were at as well.
Also concerning apologies, I sometimes would immediately accept someone's apology no matter how it was presented because one of my defects was people pleasing. I also feared being abandoned by others and was fearful confronting other people. These issues caused me to not question the nature of the apology but rather just accept it as it was being offered in order to be liked by the other person, not lose the relationship or rock the boat with the apologizing person. Basically, I threw myself under the bus to maintain relationships with others. I was not being loving to myself, not being true to myself. If I felt I deserved more than what was being offered as an apology, I never asked for it.
Since working the steps, I have no problem asking questions these days when I receive an apology. Unlike back when I was new, I don't push my own feelings aside for the sake of other people's feelings. Sometimes a person will just say "I'm sorry." Sometimes that's enough. It's clearly evident in the moment what they are apologizing for. Other times, it may not be clear to me. If I am feeling that way, I might say that I appreciate the apology but it would be easier for me to make a decision concerning the apology if they tell me exactly what it is they are apologizing for. It might not be well received by the other person. They may say, "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want from me?" In Alanon, when we make amends to others in Step 9, we take ownership of our wrongs by stating them clearly to the person and to our higher power when asking for forgiveness. It's not easy but we do it just the same. My program has been a journey to finding courage to ask of others nothing less than I am willing to give them. This doesn't seem unreasonable to me. It can be hard sometimes to honor myself in this way even today but I continue to practice this by offering love, respectful words as well as a respectful tone of voice in this process. I try to love myself enough to find the courage to ask for what I deserve. Additionally, if the apologizing person expresses more clearly the reason for which they're apologizing; I don't feel obligated to instantly accept their apology just because they made the extra effort. I pay attention to my feelings unlike in the past when I just instantly accepted apologies without regard for my own feelings. That was the point at which I felt very angry and frankly that had everything to do with not being true to myself back then and nothing to do with the offending person. If I am comfortable with a person's amends today and want to accept their apology right then and there I do it. I say, "I accept your apology." If I am not sure about how I feel, I will say something like, "I appreciate your apology very much and would like some time to think about all that you've said. It's not mean't as a way to control the other person's manner of apologizing like when I was new to Alanon, it truly is because I may not know in that moment how I feel about it all and need time to process everything. Incidently, I can make a decision to accept someone's apology just as they present it, accept other's right to refuse my apology or request for time to think about it. This is progress for me because in the old days, these things would trigger fear of abandonment. I no longer experience this thanks to Alanon and a loving higher power guiding my life. Working Alanon is an ongoing process. We are all individuals with our own histories and issues. This is just my experience. I hope something I shared helpsyou on your recovery journey in some way. Thanks for your share. It's helped me. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 04:33:14 PM
Aline said
Jun 3, 2017
Thank you for your honest share, TT, it definitely helped me see some things about myself I hadn't really thought about before :)
I've had some insight lately into something that I am not the most proud of about myself. I can hold a grudge for a long time. And I'm really not very good at accepting apologies. A recent incident with a friend helped me see this. I had a friend who did something crappy, apologized pretty quickly about it in a sincere way. I accepted it but underneath I really didn't accept it. And then I did what I seem to do best I pulled away and gave him the cold shoulder. Suddenly I realized he was ignoring me and I was outraged "He was mean to ME then HE ignores ME when he didn't even apologize properly in the first place". That is the actual crazy thought I caught swirling around in my head. It's embarrassing to admit any of this but I do this with a lot of people in my life and I don't like this about myself. If someone does something wrong to me and they apologize I can't let it go easily. I'm often quick to accept the apology verbally but it takes a long time for my heart to catch up. I have heard this from many people that I have coldly shut out because I continued to hold a grudge against them. I hear from my AH all the time how I won't accept an apology unless it is a perfect apology. He's partially right about that. I am grateful about this incident with my friend because even though it drove me a little nuts at first I got some really great insight into it. Does anyone else experience this and have you made progress with it? Any ESH would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hi, Kt :) Your post resonates with me, I used to hold grudges, mostly towards my abf, not forgetting a single bad thing he said to me or did, etc. At the time I felt I just couldn't let it go, his behavior wasn't OK, he just HAD to be properly sorry and regretful, otherwise he would never learn from his mistakes, if he didn't even admit them, etc etc etc... When I came to Alanon, I was pretty much an emotional wreck as well as a physical wreck - I had exhausted myself so much with worry, stress, resentment, anger, frustration, etc. that some real health issues came up. As I'm a mild (I think) hypochondriac, this really, really bothered, even scared me.
After coming to Alanon I quickly realized that I was hurting myself with all these extremely prolonged periods filled with so many negative emotions and that I had a choice in this. So for me I can honestly say letting go of dwelling on the negative feelings was first and foremost about not hurting myself. I was truly close to the breaking point when I came to my first meeting, where I saw some hope I wouldn't become bed-ridden from stress at age 28, or worse. By that time, which was early this January, I sometimes felt sure I would get committed to some mental institution before long if life continued as it was.
So my letting go of resentments and worry and the rest of it - I mean, I experience these things, but I really try to let go of them as quickly as I'm able to - was the only way I could survive at all. Now I'm gradually moving on from surviving to living, which is incredible, especially remembering what a miserable, stress-eaten woman I used to be not even 6 months ago.
As usual, take what you want and leave the rest, and take care :)
Edit: Just re-read my post and realized that the episode of being mostly bed-ridden for more than two weeks came after I had attended a few meetings already. I had several health tests done, blood, lungs, heart, all was pretty much OK, my doctor though that it was stress related. It was. About a week after I became more or less able to spend a day working without falling straight into bed almost the moment after I came home, I had a business trip to London (it was planned a couple of months beforehand). I was somewhat worried I would get this total weakness when I arrived there, but the trip had the opposite effect, and I was rejuvenated, although I spent a lot of the time working. Being free of the constant craziness at home, seeing a new country and experiencing new things was just what the doctor prescribed :) After coming back home I re-started F2F meetings and since then things have been going mostly up for me. Coming to Alanon was a road-changer, and I think that terrible low, that unexplicable weakness was just my body telling me "it is time to Let Go". I remember some days I would be a little better, but when my abf asked me if I could do this that, anything, I got worse again really quickly and just got back into bed. I wasn't able to tell "no" at that point myself, so my body said its own "no" for me...
-- Edited by Aline on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 02:12:06 PM
Hi KT I can certainly identify with holding grudges and resentments for years and years and entering r Al-Anon and I was handed the tools that saved my life. Working steps four through 11 shed light on what I was doing to hurt myself, but it also told me that I could not change myself. That I was powerless over fixing my negative attitudes that I had to Humbly ask my Higher Power to do this. The Six Step suggests that I become entirely ready to have my defects removed. The only way I did that was by attending meetings, reading literature, praying, and then one day I turned around and saw that I was responding differently. I was no longer abrupt and sarcastic, nor did I jump to conclusions or judge or criticize. I did nothing directly to eliminate these responses consciously. However, by asking HP to lift my defects and using the tools that Al-Anon offered me, the defects were lifted and I was able to respond with kindness, courtesy and respect.
The program works
So I am not holding a grudge for past actions, I just do not want them in my life because they are poisonous. I think the most important thing I have learned is that it is not for me to forgive or judge. I need to keep my own counsel and keep apart from negative influences. And like you Betty, I have learned to view all sides and realize that we all carry unseen burdens that determine our behavior.
This is about YOU. Period. There is something in you -- perhaps anger and resentment -- that is causing you to be this way. This is something you can work on. Perhaps there is an element of acceptance there. Something. I went through a similar phase, and I worked on it with my sponsor, and again in doing Blueprint for Progress. It worked! It was a problem with anger and resentment, which was a byproduct of acceptance -- and lack of actually, LOL -- and that impacted me, moving forward, in other relationships. It impact me almost everywhere.
I had to work on that and resolve it. So, I did. LOL.
I too found out many things about myself during step work. What has always amazed me is while I did my first, second, etc. set of steps, I was truly as honest and comprehensive as I could be. Yet, each time I return to step work, more is revealed. This reminds me of the three A(s) and how we can cycle through life and just continue to grow spiritually.
As a double winner, we are taught that resentments are the number one reason why many return to mind altering substances. We are incapable/unwilling to learn how to let go, and thus become consumed. As the disease is always present and waiting to return and take over, the inability to be completely honest with another person and HP can be life ending. We say often, "I'll show you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This is said 'in jest' as truly the only person we hurt when we can't let go of hurt, resentment, etc. is us.
I am a quality expert and process improvement person by trade. In theory, the best way to improve a process is to identify the root cause of the failure point. Well......before recovery, I often would 'analyze' and determine the root cause was 'them'...what recovery helped me with was to change this up - Yes, they are who they are and did what they did yet what is it about me that has me so wrapped up?
I found that fear was the root cause of so many 'isms' for me in both programs. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being alone, fear of being less than, etc. I was even afraid to forgive as I felt forgiveness was a 'get out of jail free card' for those who hurt me. I had a lot of work to do in program around fear and had to be taught that a fear-based life was a huge block to spiritual growth.
You're half way home to a new way of being/responding once you 'see' and are aware of the pattern. This has been true for me over and over again...Keep coming back!!
I love the post KT, and how you model our program, always sharing "when they did this... I do that." It takes a lot of courage.
applause, applause!!!
I do relate to "needing" from others, whether its an apology or whatever... relying upon others for my mental peace.
but today, apologies are kind of meaningless words to me. I had gotten so many where the words were not backed up by a change in behavior. So spare me the apology and just show me you mean it. I am powerless to direct that show, however.
And I relate to the passive aggressive thing where to someones face, I can be all nice and sweet but when I turn around and walk away, the habitual criticisms and negativities start building in my brain... and if I dont catch that and continue fanning that flame, I end up with a full blown resentment or a grudge.... just burning in my brain. It makes me a dishonest person in relationships because I don't take it to the person directly.
Why do I do it? I think its because my brain is conditioned for distrust and insincerity and disappointment in relationships. and that tape unconsciously keeps playing in my head despite all the "good" that may actually be happening today.
I agree that it comes from fear, fear for self-protection because my trust level has been affected by alcoholism. Unconsciously, my brain wants protection from more disappointment and pain because Ive been so wounded. My brain forgets that I am safe today because today.... I can tap into a power GREATER than alcoholism and all my fears and worries.
The beauty of this program is that I get to bring the focus back to me and how I am causing myself to suffer. Today I see and catch myself doing all of that and I've learned to snip that old storyline like a cartoonish balloon string attached to my brain... up and away it goes, that old fearful story. At any moment, I can begin my day all over again.
One of the greatest rewards of our program is that I have learned how to make amends.... I can offer a verbal apology or simply change my erring ways or I can do both. The main thing is for me is that it is much more between me and my Higher Power than anything, or anyone...
And so, when someone doesn't like my amends or rejects my olive branch... (I can think of one person who crossed her arms angrily waiting for me to say something more than I did...) I can remember that the forgiveness of others is NOT my ultimate goal (although it is wonderful, it's something I cannot control...) My goal is simply to make it right between me and God... be who I believe God wants me to be moving forward... and offering self-forgiveness and making peace in my head and just letting the experience change ME into a better person.
Anyway. I came in late ((my friend)) but wanted to offer you my ESH. way to work it!
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 02:20:25 PM
Hi KT
I've had some experience with this but there can be many reasons concerning your own personal behavior in these situations. Working the 4th and 5th steps were very helpful for understanding myself and why I do the thing I do. Here are a few things that were true for me concerning apologies when I was new to Alanon.
When I was living with someone who was actively drinking/drugging, trying to make someone work for my forgiveness was a desperate skewed way of seeking attention because I got very little attention from my addicted husband whose attention was on his habit. My hope was that while drinking and drugging, he might come back to me over and over due to my acts of brooding and tears and give me attention by begging for my forgiveness. Obviously, I didn't know a whole lot about the disease of alcoholism/addiction when I got to Alanon. I was trying to manipulate the situation with inappropriate behavior to control something I couldn't "alcoholism." I created a false feeling of self worth when in fact, I felt none. I was a brooding martyr who tried to get attention through tears, acting pitiful and believing I was a victim of another's behavior. Once I began surrounding myself with people in recovery and found a sponsor and worked the steps I found healthier, more adult ways to deal with where I was at emotionally and accept where others were at as well.
Also concerning apologies, I sometimes would immediately accept someone's apology no matter how it was presented because one of my defects was people pleasing. I also feared being abandoned by others and was fearful confronting other people. These issues caused me to not question the nature of the apology but rather just accept it as it was being offered in order to be liked by the other person, not lose the relationship or rock the boat with the apologizing person. Basically, I threw myself under the bus to maintain relationships with others. I was not being loving to myself, not being true to myself. If I felt I deserved more than what was being offered as an apology, I never asked for it.
Since working the steps, I have no problem asking questions these days when I receive an apology. Unlike back when I was new, I don't push my own feelings aside for the sake of other people's feelings. Sometimes a person will just say "I'm sorry." Sometimes that's enough. It's clearly evident in the moment what they are apologizing for. Other times, it may not be clear to me. If I am feeling that way, I might say that I appreciate the apology but it would be easier for me to make a decision concerning the apology if they tell me exactly what it is they are apologizing for. It might not be well received by the other person. They may say, "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want from me?" In Alanon, when we make amends to others in Step 9, we take ownership of our wrongs by stating them clearly to the person and to our higher power when asking for forgiveness. It's not easy but we do it just the same. My program has been a journey to finding courage to ask of others nothing less than I am willing to give them. This doesn't seem unreasonable to me. It can be hard sometimes to honor myself in this way even today but I continue to practice this by offering love, respectful words as well as a respectful tone of voice in this process. I try to love myself enough to find the courage to ask for what I deserve. Additionally, if the apologizing person expresses more clearly the reason for which they're apologizing; I don't feel obligated to instantly accept their apology just because they made the extra effort. I pay attention to my feelings unlike in the past when I just instantly accepted apologies without regard for my own feelings. That was the point at which I felt very angry and frankly that had everything to do with not being true to myself back then and nothing to do with the offending person. If I am comfortable with a person's amends today and want to accept their apology right then and there I do it. I say, "I accept your apology." If I am not sure about how I feel, I will say something like, "I appreciate your apology very much and would like some time to think about all that you've said. It's not mean't as a way to control the other person's manner of apologizing like when I was new to Alanon, it truly is because I may not know in that moment how I feel about it all and need time to process everything. Incidently, I can make a decision to accept someone's apology just as they present it, accept other's right to refuse my apology or request for time to think about it. This is progress for me because in the old days, these things would trigger fear of abandonment. I no longer experience this thanks to Alanon and a loving higher power guiding my life. Working Alanon is an ongoing process. We are all individuals with our own histories and issues. This is just my experience. I hope something I shared helpsyou on your recovery journey in some way. Thanks for your share. It's helped me. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 3rd of June 2017 04:33:14 PM