Hi everyone. You welcomed me warmly around six months ago - thank you for that. I had explained that my younger sister died from cancer last summer. She has three children aged 20 (she has just finished 2nd year in university), 15 (he is doing state exams currently) and a two year old toddler. Her husband and father of all three works away two days of the week and there have been a variety of caring arrangements put in place and I provide a lot of back up as I live close by. I would love your wisdom/advice on dealing with my brother-in-law. Since my sister and he met, over twenty years ago, he has always been disorganised, unreliable, undependable, late for everything etc. He is a creative writer and, to be honest, they both led this chaotic artsy lifestyle, were loved by all and were known to be a bit all over the place. I was always able to keep a healthy distance from my brother-in-law as I could always make babysitting arrangements through my sister etc. But now that she is gone I have to deal with him directly. And it has just dawned on me that I do not really know what I'm dealing with.
My niece was unwell yesterday morning and she was supposed to care for the toddler. My brother-in-law rang me from his work to ask if I could check in on her. The upshot was that I collected the toddler to give her some space and his Dad was to collect him from me at 9pm last night. He arrived at my house just after 11pm after I had completely lost it with my own two children and the toddler. I was actually hyerventilating against the wall and I recognised that dealing with my brother-in-law's vagueness (again) led to this meltdown. So I am determined to address my issues with him. I am starting to realise that he is lying about certain arrangements 'Oh, I sent you that text - did you not get it', and 'such and such said they would collect the baby, did they not tell you' (I would find out that this was not correct). I'm not comfortable dealing with him face to face. I have recently started to notice that when you meet him everything is cordial and friendly. He will launch into a rosy monologue of how he is on top of everything but then I will slowly find out that this is not the case.
For example, one day he sat down and said that he was addressing his daughters eye problem and 'we brought her to the optician'. I started to laugh and told him that it was actually me who brought his daughter to the optician! He seems to talk up everything e.g. he will explain how he has organised for his son to get extra maths lessons then the next week he will ring me and ask me if I know of anyone who can give maths lessons. Until now I have never really challenged him on any of this. But I'm starting to get the real picture I think. For years my sister dealt with him and now I have to deal with him. To be frank, he is full of talk and is an expert on distracting you (my partner last night said 'there's a lot bs going on'. He seems to lunge from one problematic situation to another and I can now see my 20-year-old niece starting to mimic his actions and words. Finally, his unreliability and deceptive behavior has led me to lash out at my own children and his toddler. That can't happen again.
I do not like to deal with him face-to-face. If I point out any of this stuff he will gently slip in a new piece of information to throw me off the scent. He has even talked to me in a sarcastic manner when I try to clear things up. So now it has finally dawned on me that he shares many of the personality traits of an alcoholic (his dad has been a total irresponsible bar fly all his life). My brother in law has done very well in his life compared to where he came from. He now has a good job in a tv station and everyone thinks he's fantastic and coping brilliantly etc. I am very happy to support him and my niece and nephews.
I feel I need a clearer handle on what I'm dealing with. He is not an alcoholic, he seems to give too much to work but I don't know if he's a 'workaholic'. He gets through life patching one problem up after another and then adding white lies whenever he is trying to make everything seem ok from the outside. If you have read this far thank you very much. I continue to go to Friday morning meetings which is very good for me. One of the other ladies there knows my brother in law - I feel she herself is a bit dysfunctional so I am not comfortable to share exactly this issue there even though I know steps and traditions etc. I want to address him face-to-face but feel I will get quickly outwitted!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 09:47:32 PM
Enigmatic said
May 31, 2017
Hi Falling, welcome back! Sounds like you have your hands full with an ongoing, challenging situation.
AlAnon discourages offering specific advice on other's situations as none of us can know all of the facts and what is best under the circumstances...that is something only you and your higher power can come to terms with.
What I can share is my experience, which was that my peace and serenity came only when I stopped my efforts to control and diagnose those around me and directed my efforts to my own areas of needed improvement and adjustment.
I went to as many different meetings as I could find, but also read the AlAnon literature every day, using the topic index for guidance with areas of particular difficulty. I then spent time in daily meditation to consider what I read and how I could use the tools and principles in my particular situation.
Hang in there, keep using the program, and listen to your higher power
a4l said
May 31, 2017
Sounds hard. Maybe lovingly, gently, firmly; we need to talk about the toddler baby. I had a wishy washy sil, once. And flat out told her: your the kids mother not her babysitter, act like it. I regret that harshness now. Though she did truly not have a domestic clue and at that time, I did not have a kindness clue. Some one needs to bring a bit of reality to the door. If I had my sil now, I'd probably try relating to her from a parent place, an esh place. Its not cool that your bil disorganization affects you. You say you've got kids. Well, we know how important organisation is. It also sounds like he's struggling.maybe you could just lovingly call him out on that, that you see he is struggling, make suggestions, ie the importance of organisation and communication, and if he's not able to follow through with some basics, then pull back a bit with the help, but keep the communication lines open, remembering comms is a two way street of exchange not just one persons dialogue to hide the elephant. Betty has a signature that says, the highest form of wisdom is kindness. I am learning we can be honest and kind at the same time. Good luck!
Bo said
May 31, 2017
Faintly Falling wrote:
Hi everyone. You welcomed me warmly around six months ago - thank you for that. I had explained that my younger sister died from cancer last summer. She has three children aged 20 (she has just finished 2nd year in university), 15 (he is doing state exams currently) and a two year old toddler. Her husband and father of all three works away two days of the week and there have been a variety of caring arrangements put in place and I provide a lot of back up as I live close by. I would love your wisdom/advice on dealing with my brother-in-law. Since my sister and he met, over twenty years ago, he has always been disorganised, unreliable, undependable, late for everything etc. He is a creative writer and, to be honest, they both led this chaotic artsy lifestyle, were loved by all and were known to be a bit all over the place. I was always able to keep a healthy distance from my brother-in-law as I could always make babysitting arrangements through my sister etc. But now that she is gone I have to deal with him directly. And it has just dawned on me that I do not really know what I'm dealing with.
My niece was unwell yesterday morning and she was supposed to care for the toddler. My brother-in-law rang me from his work to ask if I could check in on her. The upshot was that I collected the toddler to give her some space and his Dad was to collect him from me at 9pm last night. He arrived at my house just after 11pm after I had completely lost it with my own two children and the toddler. I was actually hyerventilating against the wall and I recognised that dealing with my brother-in-law's vagueness (again) led to this meltdown. So I am determined to address my issues with him. I am starting to realise that he is lying about certain arrangements 'Oh, I sent you that text - did you not get it', and 'such and such said they would collect the baby, did they not tell you' (I would find out that this was not correct). I'm not comfortable dealing with him face to face. I have recently started to notice that when you meet him everything is cordial and friendly. He will launch into a rosy monologue of how he is on top of everything but then I will slowly find out that this is not the case.
For example, one day he sat down and said that he was addressing his daughters eye problem and 'we brought her to the optician'. I started to laugh and told him that it was actually me who brought his daughter to the optician! He seems to talk up everything e.g. he will explain how he has organised for his son to get extra maths lessons then the next week he will ring me and ask me if I know of anyone who can give maths lessons. Until now I have never really challenged him on any of this. But I'm starting to get the real picture I think. For years my sister dealt with him and now I have to deal with him. To be frank, he is full of talk and is an expert on distracting you (my partner last night said 'there's a lot bullshit going on'. He seems to lunge from one poblematic situation to another and I can now see my 20-year-old niece starting to mimick his actions and words. Finally, his unreliability and deceptive behaviour has led me to lash out at my own children and his toddler. That can't happen again.
I do not like to deal with him face-to-face. If I point out any of this stuff he will gently slip in a new piece of information to throw me off the scent. He has even talked to me in a sarcastic manner when I try to clear things up. So now it has finally dawned on me that he shares many of the personality traits of an alcoholic (his dad has been a total irresponsible bar fly all his life). My brother in law has done very well in his life compared to where he came from. He now has a good job in a tv station and everyone thinks he's fantastic and coping brilliantly etc. I am very happy to support him and my niece and nephews.
I feel I need a clearer handle on what I'm dealing with. He is not an alcoholic, he seems to give too much to work but I don't know if he's a 'workaholic'. He gets through life patching one problem up after another and then adding white lies whenever he is trying to make everything seem ok from the outside. If you have read this far thank you very much. I continue to go to Friday morning meetings which is very good for me. One of the other ladies there knows my brother in law - I feel she herself is a bit dysfunctional so I am not comfortable to share exactly this issue there even though I know steps and traditions etc. I want to address him face-to-face but feel I will get quickly outwitted!
Got it. Sounds easy to me. Some people are just simply "unhealthy" -- for others to deal with -- simply because of: who they are, how they live their life, their decision making, their way of dealing with life, their demeanor, their attributes, irresponsibility, lack of maturity, and so many other things. It could be one or all of these types of things. I sponsor a young man who has this with his dad. How his dad lives his life, deals with his son, behaves, etc. -- has a very negative, unhealthy impact on his son. I don't know why the dad is like this, neither does the son -- and neither of us care. It is not our job to analyze and figure out why. That's part of our problem -- the analysis addiction. The more you try and figure this out, the more you will drive yourself crazy. His dad and how he lives his life creates anxiety for my friend. His dad just stops by his house unannounced, stays overnight without being invited, leaves things/stores things over his house, shows up without any notice and wants to have lunch or dinner, wants my friend to help him with work, and so on. It creates stress and anxiety for my friend, and more. So it's unhealthy. I also have this with the mother of my daughter. Simply the way she lives her life, interacts with her other children, makes decisions, does things, etc. -- is very unhealthy for me. She creates a great deal of drama, makes poor parenting and life decisions, poor decisions in relationships with men, and while that is none of my business, when my daughter was growing up, that could have had a major impact on her. Regardless, the mother of my daughter is simple an unhealthy person. She is not an alcoholic. She is just an unhealthy person -- and is unhealthy for me, LOL. So it becomes my job to focus on me and how I had to deal with her -- and that ended up being at a minimum (little co-parenting). So, I focused on me and the solutions came.
Anyway, that said, dealing with him is a problem, it is unhealthy for you. It has a negative impact on you. So, it's a problem, it's unhealthy for you and has a negative impact on you...if you let it. Focus on you. Apply this to the steps. Step one -- you are powerless. There is nothing you can do about him and what he does. Surrender to it. Stop trying to fix it. Acceptance. Then, step two, realize that something, someone, other than you, can help you and make you better. Then, step three, let it go, to that something or someone else. I don't mean to oversimplify this, but that's the beginning.
Also, the "fix" for you -- for YOU -- is to set boundaries. That is an intense, in-depth topic in and of itself, and many people think they get it but really don't, so learn the proper, healthy way, to establish, set, implement and enforce boundaries. Remember, you want to get better -- then focus on you, make changes with and in you. If you are not the solution...then there is no problem. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 07:44:37 AM
Faintly Falling said
May 31, 2017
Thank you Enigmatic, a4l and Bo. I'm so grateful for your replies. I feel very heard and supported. I would like to reply further when I'm back on the laptop. Two things I'd like to share - you might be able to offer further insights. The first is that I am agnostic. My higher power, as such, lies within the voices and stories of alanon members. I am working to find a way of making sense of this but am very happy to listen and read and take strength and wisdom from you alll. Secondly, Bo - so how did you deal with watching your daughter growing up with her mum? Is it a case of just lead by your best example or did you ever actually say that 'mum may not have the healthiest of approaches sometimes'.
Bo said
May 31, 2017
Faintly Falling wrote:
Thank you Enigmatic, a4l and Bo. I'm so grateful for your replies. I feel very heard and supported. I would like to reply further when I'm back on the laptop. Two things I'd like to share - you might be able to offer further insights. The first is that I am agnostic. My higher power, as such, lies within the voices and stories of alanon members. I am working to find a way of making sense of this but am very happy to listen and read and take strength and wisdom from you alll. Secondly, Bo - so how did you deal with watching your daughter growing up with her mum? Is it a case of just lead by your best example or did you ever actually say that 'mum may not have the healthiest of approaches sometimes'.
Thanks for the reply and the questions. As far as being agnostic -- no problem. This does not have to be a higher power, vis a vis God. You may hear people say "my higher power, who I choose to call God" or something along those lines. That is optional. I suggest you view your higher power as something or someone other than YOU. For a period of time, I viewed my higher power as the group, the meeting, the people in the rooms of the meetings I went to. I was receiving and benefiting from a great deal of experience, wisdom, advice, guidance, and more. Some people view the program as their higher power. You can eliminate the religious aspect and element of the program and recovery. This is not a religious program...it is a spiritual one.
As far as my daughter and watching her grow up with her mother -- in that house, amongst all the drama, chaos, turmoil, a sick, unhealthy mother, who made poor parenting decisions, poor decisions regarding men, had men come and go, move in and live with them, was overall simply not a healthy mother, role model, etc., and a brother who suffers from some mental issues, anxiety, OCD, potential Asperger's, but is a very nice young man, and lastly another brother who is a heroin addict, in and out of jail, runs with unhealthy, criminal people, steals from his entire family, is completely dysfunctional, and is just very unhealthy to be around -- so with all that, jump ahead to today. My daughter is now 21 years old. She just graduated from a premier university in NYC. She graduated summa cum laude with a 4.0, has been accepted to a premier graduate school, and is an absolutely incredible, amazing young woman. So, that being said, I will answer your pointed questions in detail as soon as I get out of my next meeting, but this is also a discussion for another time/thread. However, I will say this -- how she turned out the way she did, with that upbringing, that house, etc. -- is nothing short of a miracle, but also very much her doing. It speaks to who she is as a person. And, I say this with elimination of all ego, vanity and anything of the like, I am not bragging, but I did a great deal of work, I committed a portion of my lifetime to getting better, getting healthy, recovering from where I was, at my rock bottom, ready to give up, and so on...and I did it all for her, and me...and if you don't think I didn't have a hand in how things played out, you couldn't be more wrong -- and, I couldn't be more proud of myself, and even more her. More to follow.
Faintly Falling said
Jun 1, 2017
Wow, I will look forward to hearing about that. I am heartened by how well things have turned out - and all by not trying to 'fix' the dysfunctional environment/people in her life? But focussing on yourself? I appreciate that it is not actually that simple and obviously there has been much turmoil along the road. But nonetheless I'm getting a general message here that, no matter how unhelpful it seems to the situation, we should start with ourselves. Thank you everyone for now. I will be away until next week at a family wedding (lots of similar problems coming along here but I can keep a good distance thankfully).
WestMan said
Jun 1, 2017
I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. You really have a lot on your plate. I'm sure all of you are still in mourning which only adds to your BIL and possibly now nieces poor coping strategies. While he should be reliable and show up when he's supposed to maybe you can plan around the fact that he's reliably unreliable.
Iamhere said
Jun 2, 2017
Hey there Faintly Falling - good to see you back! So sorry for the circumstances that bring you here....sending prayers of healing for your loss - I am sure that is still difficult.
Your BIL sounds like my oldest and his baby momma. They are not artsy folks per se, but they live life spontaneously with 2 small kids under the age of 4. They have daycare one day a week and then count on family, friends, etc. for the other 6 days. It's insanity to me and while life brings many unplanned events, I don't fully understand how they live 'on the fly' like this.
What helped me was to set very specific boundaries - such as, I am not available XXX, XXX, XXX, XXX. I have more flexibility on xxx, xxx, xxx. They know that I do not sit around with nothing to do - I fill my time as best I can. So - what's happened is the lack of planning on their part and me saying I can't enough times has them doing things a bit different.
I tried to suggest that I need more notice, or I would have helped if you found me sooner and .................................... This never worked as instead of looking at what they could change, they would actually suggest I was just being difficult. My son used to actually call me and say, "I need you to watch the kids ......" instead of, "Can you watch the kids?" That's changed too - I don't respond well to others directing my life and stopped trying to direct theirs instead.
My kids know me that I am anal, organized, a planner and detail matters to me. They are not 'there' yet in their maturity. But, they are slowly learning that good relationships are based on mutual respect, good communication and consideration for others. So - my best suggestion is to clarify as best you can how and when you are willing to be of service, and then stick to it and let it go.
As far as God, HP, etc., our program suggests YOU get to decide what is a power great than you. Some use the program, some use faith-based, some use nature - it's your choice. My concept has changed over the years and that's OK too! The program is designed to allow each person to just find and believe in any power that's greater than SELF....(((Hugs)))
Keep coming back!
Faintly Falling said
Jun 8, 2017
Hi Iamhere. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I have had some space from my brother in law and some time to think and calm down. Moving forward I would like to work on boundaries as suggested by some friends here. I need to give this some consideration and have not yet done any reading up. But I've given some thought as to what I want (to not have a toddler after 9pm) and how to set those boundaries (I think I just need to state that fact clearly). I may have to have a general chat with him but each time I think of that I shirk away from the idea. There are times when he is most reasonable and understanding then there are other times when he goes all passive-agressive so I guess the unpredictability of that is something I do not like. I should be getting back to a meeting in the morning having been away for a few weeks so I am looking forward to that. In the meantime, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have worked hard at keeping things on the level in your own life with regard to your family. I take much comfort from your words so thank you again. X
Faintly Falling said
Jun 8, 2017
Thank you WestMan. Yes, sometimes I forget to make allowances for the fact that my brother in law and niece are trying to cope with life in new ways and without the person who kept them all on the straight and narrow. I am coming to realise that there was more dysfunction going on in their lives that I had realised and that, unfortunately, my sister herself had a fair few unhealthy traits. My relationship with her was a bit strained in the last four or five years and I never really knew why. She was hard to talk to but I always felt responsible for this tension even though I didn't know what it was about! While I'm sorry that I didn't return to AlAnon sooner I accept that we are all doing the best we can at any one time. The online forum really is a fantastic use of technology. It is great to be able to turn here and share and be listened. So thank you everyone.
Iamhere said
Jun 8, 2017
Hey Faintly Falling - good to see you again! My sanity is only 'here' because of those who came before me in recovery. I love that you're planning to return to meetings....it is 'there' that I found my safe place to share! Keep coming back!
Hi everyone. You welcomed me warmly around six months ago - thank you for that. I had explained that my younger sister died from cancer last summer. She has three children aged 20 (she has just finished 2nd year in university), 15 (he is doing state exams currently) and a two year old toddler. Her husband and father of all three works away two days of the week and there have been a variety of caring arrangements put in place and I provide a lot of back up as I live close by. I would love your wisdom/advice on dealing with my brother-in-law. Since my sister and he met, over twenty years ago, he has always been disorganised, unreliable, undependable, late for everything etc. He is a creative writer and, to be honest, they both led this chaotic artsy lifestyle, were loved by all and were known to be a bit all over the place. I was always able to keep a healthy distance from my brother-in-law as I could always make babysitting arrangements through my sister etc. But now that she is gone I have to deal with him directly. And it has just dawned on me that I do not really know what I'm dealing with.
My niece was unwell yesterday morning and she was supposed to care for the toddler. My brother-in-law rang me from his work to ask if I could check in on her. The upshot was that I collected the toddler to give her some space and his Dad was to collect him from me at 9pm last night. He arrived at my house just after 11pm after I had completely lost it with my own two children and the toddler. I was actually hyerventilating against the wall and I recognised that dealing with my brother-in-law's vagueness (again) led to this meltdown. So I am determined to address my issues with him. I am starting to realise that he is lying about certain arrangements 'Oh, I sent you that text - did you not get it', and 'such and such said they would collect the baby, did they not tell you' (I would find out that this was not correct). I'm not comfortable dealing with him face to face. I have recently started to notice that when you meet him everything is cordial and friendly. He will launch into a rosy monologue of how he is on top of everything but then I will slowly find out that this is not the case.
For example, one day he sat down and said that he was addressing his daughters eye problem and 'we brought her to the optician'. I started to laugh and told him that it was actually me who brought his daughter to the optician! He seems to talk up everything e.g. he will explain how he has organised for his son to get extra maths lessons then the next week he will ring me and ask me if I know of anyone who can give maths lessons. Until now I have never really challenged him on any of this. But I'm starting to get the real picture I think. For years my sister dealt with him and now I have to deal with him. To be frank, he is full of talk and is an expert on distracting you (my partner last night said 'there's a lot bs going on'. He seems to lunge from one problematic situation to another and I can now see my 20-year-old niece starting to mimic his actions and words. Finally, his unreliability and deceptive behavior has led me to lash out at my own children and his toddler. That can't happen again.
I do not like to deal with him face-to-face. If I point out any of this stuff he will gently slip in a new piece of information to throw me off the scent. He has even talked to me in a sarcastic manner when I try to clear things up. So now it has finally dawned on me that he shares many of the personality traits of an alcoholic (his dad has been a total irresponsible bar fly all his life). My brother in law has done very well in his life compared to where he came from. He now has a good job in a tv station and everyone thinks he's fantastic and coping brilliantly etc. I am very happy to support him and my niece and nephews.
I feel I need a clearer handle on what I'm dealing with. He is not an alcoholic, he seems to give too much to work but I don't know if he's a 'workaholic'. He gets through life patching one problem up after another and then adding white lies whenever he is trying to make everything seem ok from the outside. If you have read this far thank you very much. I continue to go to Friday morning meetings which is very good for me. One of the other ladies there knows my brother in law - I feel she herself is a bit dysfunctional so I am not comfortable to share exactly this issue there even though I know steps and traditions etc. I want to address him face-to-face but feel I will get quickly outwitted!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 09:47:32 PM
AlAnon discourages offering specific advice on other's situations as none of us can know all of the facts and what is best under the circumstances...that is something only you and your higher power can come to terms with.
What I can share is my experience, which was that my peace and serenity came only when I stopped my efforts to control and diagnose those around me and directed my efforts to my own areas of needed improvement and adjustment.
I went to as many different meetings as I could find, but also read the AlAnon literature every day, using the topic index for guidance with areas of particular difficulty. I then spent time in daily meditation to consider what I read and how I could use the tools and principles in my particular situation.
Hang in there, keep using the program, and listen to your higher power
Got it. Sounds easy to me. Some people are just simply "unhealthy" -- for others to deal with -- simply because of: who they are, how they live their life, their decision making, their way of dealing with life, their demeanor, their attributes, irresponsibility, lack of maturity, and so many other things. It could be one or all of these types of things. I sponsor a young man who has this with his dad. How his dad lives his life, deals with his son, behaves, etc. -- has a very negative, unhealthy impact on his son. I don't know why the dad is like this, neither does the son -- and neither of us care. It is not our job to analyze and figure out why. That's part of our problem -- the analysis addiction. The more you try and figure this out, the more you will drive yourself crazy. His dad and how he lives his life creates anxiety for my friend. His dad just stops by his house unannounced, stays overnight without being invited, leaves things/stores things over his house, shows up without any notice and wants to have lunch or dinner, wants my friend to help him with work, and so on. It creates stress and anxiety for my friend, and more. So it's unhealthy. I also have this with the mother of my daughter. Simply the way she lives her life, interacts with her other children, makes decisions, does things, etc. -- is very unhealthy for me. She creates a great deal of drama, makes poor parenting and life decisions, poor decisions in relationships with men, and while that is none of my business, when my daughter was growing up, that could have had a major impact on her. Regardless, the mother of my daughter is simple an unhealthy person. She is not an alcoholic. She is just an unhealthy person -- and is unhealthy for me, LOL. So it becomes my job to focus on me and how I had to deal with her -- and that ended up being at a minimum (little co-parenting). So, I focused on me and the solutions came.
Anyway, that said, dealing with him is a problem, it is unhealthy for you. It has a negative impact on you. So, it's a problem, it's unhealthy for you and has a negative impact on you...if you let it. Focus on you. Apply this to the steps. Step one -- you are powerless. There is nothing you can do about him and what he does. Surrender to it. Stop trying to fix it. Acceptance. Then, step two, realize that something, someone, other than you, can help you and make you better. Then, step three, let it go, to that something or someone else. I don't mean to oversimplify this, but that's the beginning.
Also, the "fix" for you -- for YOU -- is to set boundaries. That is an intense, in-depth topic in and of itself, and many people think they get it but really don't, so learn the proper, healthy way, to establish, set, implement and enforce boundaries. Remember, you want to get better -- then focus on you, make changes with and in you. If you are not the solution...then there is no problem. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 31st of May 2017 07:44:37 AM
Thanks for the reply and the questions. As far as being agnostic -- no problem. This does not have to be a higher power, vis a vis God. You may hear people say "my higher power, who I choose to call God" or something along those lines. That is optional. I suggest you view your higher power as something or someone other than YOU. For a period of time, I viewed my higher power as the group, the meeting, the people in the rooms of the meetings I went to. I was receiving and benefiting from a great deal of experience, wisdom, advice, guidance, and more. Some people view the program as their higher power. You can eliminate the religious aspect and element of the program and recovery. This is not a religious program...it is a spiritual one.
As far as my daughter and watching her grow up with her mother -- in that house, amongst all the drama, chaos, turmoil, a sick, unhealthy mother, who made poor parenting decisions, poor decisions regarding men, had men come and go, move in and live with them, was overall simply not a healthy mother, role model, etc., and a brother who suffers from some mental issues, anxiety, OCD, potential Asperger's, but is a very nice young man, and lastly another brother who is a heroin addict, in and out of jail, runs with unhealthy, criminal people, steals from his entire family, is completely dysfunctional, and is just very unhealthy to be around -- so with all that, jump ahead to today. My daughter is now 21 years old. She just graduated from a premier university in NYC. She graduated summa cum laude with a 4.0, has been accepted to a premier graduate school, and is an absolutely incredible, amazing young woman. So, that being said, I will answer your pointed questions in detail as soon as I get out of my next meeting, but this is also a discussion for another time/thread. However, I will say this -- how she turned out the way she did, with that upbringing, that house, etc. -- is nothing short of a miracle, but also very much her doing. It speaks to who she is as a person. And, I say this with elimination of all ego, vanity and anything of the like, I am not bragging, but I did a great deal of work, I committed a portion of my lifetime to getting better, getting healthy, recovering from where I was, at my rock bottom, ready to give up, and so on...and I did it all for her, and me...and if you don't think I didn't have a hand in how things played out, you couldn't be more wrong
-- and, I couldn't be more proud of myself, and even more her. More to follow.
Your BIL sounds like my oldest and his baby momma. They are not artsy folks per se, but they live life spontaneously with 2 small kids under the age of 4. They have daycare one day a week and then count on family, friends, etc. for the other 6 days. It's insanity to me and while life brings many unplanned events, I don't fully understand how they live 'on the fly' like this.
What helped me was to set very specific boundaries - such as, I am not available XXX, XXX, XXX, XXX. I have more flexibility on xxx, xxx, xxx. They know that I do not sit around with nothing to do - I fill my time as best I can. So - what's happened is the lack of planning on their part and me saying I can't enough times has them doing things a bit different.
I tried to suggest that I need more notice, or I would have helped if you found me sooner and .................................... This never worked as instead of looking at what they could change, they would actually suggest I was just being difficult. My son used to actually call me and say, "I need you to watch the kids ......" instead of, "Can you watch the kids?" That's changed too - I don't respond well to others directing my life and stopped trying to direct theirs instead.
My kids know me that I am anal, organized, a planner and detail matters to me. They are not 'there' yet in their maturity. But, they are slowly learning that good relationships are based on mutual respect, good communication and consideration for others. So - my best suggestion is to clarify as best you can how and when you are willing to be of service, and then stick to it and let it go.
As far as God, HP, etc., our program suggests YOU get to decide what is a power great than you. Some use the program, some use faith-based, some use nature - it's your choice. My concept has changed over the years and that's OK too! The program is designed to allow each person to just find and believe in any power that's greater than SELF....(((Hugs)))
Keep coming back!
Hi Iamhere. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I have had some space from my brother in law and some time to think and calm down. Moving forward I would like to work on boundaries as suggested by some friends here. I need to give this some consideration and have not yet done any reading up. But I've given some thought as to what I want (to not have a toddler after 9pm) and how to set those boundaries (I think I just need to state that fact clearly). I may have to have a general chat with him but each time I think of that I shirk away from the idea. There are times when he is most reasonable and understanding then there are other times when he goes all passive-agressive so I guess the unpredictability of that is something I do not like. I should be getting back to a meeting in the morning having been away for a few weeks so I am looking forward to that. In the meantime, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have worked hard at keeping things on the level in your own life with regard to your family. I take much comfort from your words so thank you again. X
Thank you WestMan. Yes, sometimes I forget to make allowances for the fact that my brother in law and niece are trying to cope with life in new ways and without the person who kept them all on the straight and narrow. I am coming to realise that there was more dysfunction going on in their lives that I had realised and that, unfortunately, my sister herself had a fair few unhealthy traits. My relationship with her was a bit strained in the last four or five years and I never really knew why. She was hard to talk to but I always felt responsible for this tension even though I didn't know what it was about! While I'm sorry that I didn't return to AlAnon sooner I accept that we are all doing the best we can at any one time. The online forum really is a fantastic use of technology. It is great to be able to turn here and share and be listened. So thank you everyone.