I have a 26 year old son that is a drinker and a gambler, he asked If he could move back home and i don't want him to. He has a very manipulative nature and lives off of women, namely his girlfriend and I, how can I say no without the guilt. He also had 2 kids one of whom he's turned his back on. I'm scared of the insanity that comes with him. I'm also and ex drinker with 11 years of sobriety, please advise.
KennyFenderjazz said
May 30, 2017
Just remember "No" is a complete sentence. No need to justify yourself to him for any decision you make. I have found that a good way to cut off manipulation.
Kenny
Katiki67 said
May 30, 2017
Thank you Kenny
tiredtonite said
May 30, 2017
Lisa,
I've heard that an alcoholic's sobriety always comes first beyond any relationship with any person. I wouldn't think that is any different when the person wreaking havoc in your life is your child. It's a boundary issue concerning your own sobriety and sanity. The words in your post sound like they are coming from a fearful place within you. Alanon has a reading that states in an emergency situation you should put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting save others. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would talk this over with a loving sponsor and my higher power to make a determination of how you might be impacted by inviting an active alcoholic/gambler into your home. Please take care. (((hugs))) TT
a4l said
May 30, 2017
Kia ora, love the pic. Meetings face to face in alanon. There's also a awesome place in Christchurch called the familial trust who offer support to whanau, intense support. I echo no is a complete sentence, for myself I needed to get educated on alcoholic family systems. Keep coming back!
wp said
May 30, 2017
Kati I understand your feelings of fear as well I understand your feelings of loyalty, and of confusion. May I suggest you take yourself to your face to face alanon meeting asap. Alanon offers a huge collection of 'tools' and I sense that you need them now just as I did at one time.
Peace. wp
Jerry F said
May 30, 2017
Aloha Katik and welcome to the board; MIP Family. I suggest also that you go to your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area. The fellowship is world wide so chances are in your favor. I know what you are going thru having been there and done that myself until I learned in the program that guilt was an optional emotion and a choice. If I used or felt it, it was because I chose to. You don't have to use guilt...you can use grace and empathy or a ton of other emotions good and bad until you arrive at the ones that work for you. If he is manipulative it is in part because he is allowed to be manipulative for what ever reason...guilt being one. Keep coming back here and participating in our recoveries also. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
May 31, 2017
Katik - I too send warm welcomes to you. I also agree that attending some Al-Anon meetings, and seeing if it's for you would help tremendously. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease, and is also considered a family disease. It reaches well beyond the drinker, and affects most who live with or love them.
I tried everything I could think of before Al-Anon, and just spun my wheels. Today, I have hope and help anytime I take a moment and use the program tools provided to me.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
SerenityRUS said
Jun 2, 2017
Hugs and welcome ..
I agree with the above ESH and really nothing to add.
Although I will share a story.
Right now I'm watching a dear friend deal with her grown son and this has been a life long pattern of him holding the family hostage. She finally came to the point where he had to go and he did .. however not without a LOT of drama and trauma. No it's not easy and yes he did the whole you are dead to me .. I asked her does he think he's the God Father? I also reminded her that would change as soon as he wanted to try a different tactic. Which it did and 24 hours of you are dead to me .. turned into 25th hour of him asking to shower and get a couple things. Funny what real world living all of a sudden looks like when there is no one to hold hostage.
This came only after he punched the minor (the youngest boy teenager) in the face gave him a bloody nose and then threatened to call CPS on her (there are no valid reasons this is the terror he brought into the house ALWAYS been like this since a young age). I was dumbfounded as to why he even thought he had the right to call CPS with his behavior .. this is what the cycle has always been (this is the first time it went at the youngest and that was her line).
NO .. complete sentence and there is no need to JADE that statement. Obviously it's not in your best interest to invite that insanity into your home .. Alanon would be the best place for you to get support.
The good of one does not outweigh the good of many. I am part of the good of many.
Hugs S :)
Cathyinaz said
Jun 7, 2017
Just say NO.... I couldn't do it for so long but after I realized it was a complete sentence I felt better. The alcoholic will find a way to get what they want without our help. For us to enable them only gives them the ability to continue on with their disease.
Find the meeting to help you cope when you say " NO "
I have a 26 year old son that is a drinker and a gambler, he asked If he could move back home and i don't want him to. He has a very manipulative nature and lives off of women, namely his girlfriend and I, how can I say no without the guilt. He also had 2 kids one of whom he's turned his back on. I'm scared of the insanity that comes with him. I'm also and ex drinker with 11 years of sobriety, please advise.
Kenny
Lisa,
I've heard that an alcoholic's sobriety always comes first beyond any relationship with any person. I wouldn't think that is any different when the person wreaking havoc in your life is your child. It's a boundary issue concerning your own sobriety and sanity. The words in your post sound like they are coming from a fearful place within you. Alanon has a reading that states in an emergency situation you should put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting save others. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would talk this over with a loving sponsor and my higher power to make a determination of how you might be impacted by inviting an active alcoholic/gambler into your home. Please take care. (((hugs))) TT
Peace. wp
Aloha Katik and welcome to the board; MIP Family. I suggest also that you go to your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area. The fellowship is world wide so chances are in your favor. I know what you are going thru having been there and done that myself until I learned in the program that guilt was an optional emotion and a choice. If I used or felt it, it was because I chose to. You don't have to use guilt...you can use grace and empathy or a ton of other emotions good and bad until you arrive at the ones that work for you. If he is manipulative it is in part because he is allowed to be manipulative for what ever reason...guilt being one. Keep coming back here and participating in our recoveries also. ((((hugs))))
I tried everything I could think of before Al-Anon, and just spun my wheels. Today, I have hope and help anytime I take a moment and use the program tools provided to me.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
I agree with the above ESH and really nothing to add.
Although I will share a story.
Right now I'm watching a dear friend deal with her grown son and this has been a life long pattern of him holding the family hostage. She finally came to the point where he had to go and he did .. however not without a LOT of drama and trauma. No it's not easy and yes he did the whole you are dead to me .. I asked her does he think he's the God Father? I also reminded her that would change as soon as he wanted to try a different tactic. Which it did and 24 hours of you are dead to me .. turned into 25th hour of him asking to shower and get a couple things. Funny what real world living all of a sudden looks like when there is no one to hold hostage.
This came only after he punched the minor (the youngest boy teenager) in the face gave him a bloody nose and then threatened to call CPS on her (there are no valid reasons this is the terror he brought into the house ALWAYS been like this since a young age). I was dumbfounded as to why he even thought he had the right to call CPS with his behavior .. this is what the cycle has always been (this is the first time it went at the youngest and that was her line).
NO .. complete sentence and there is no need to JADE that statement. Obviously it's not in your best interest to invite that insanity into your home .. Alanon would be the best place for you to get support.
The good of one does not outweigh the good of many. I am part of the good of many.
Hugs S :)
Find the meeting to help you cope when you say " NO "
((( hugs )))