I started Al Anon in January after a very turbulent holiday season and am so thankful for this board and my F2F group. My husband is a functioning/binge drinker. He drinks for hours at a time almost every single day. Yesterday for example, he drank for over 12 hours and then drove to the store for another 6 pack at 2 am. Unfortunately, I engaged after being woken up, which I immediately knew was a bad idea. It was a short-lived interaction but I got no sleep because my obsessive thinking spiraled out of control and I couldn't seem to be able to stop it.
What I am struggling with today is what to do after things come to a head like they did last night. Sometimes I say/do nothing, and other times I try to have a conversation with him once he is sober. I feel like neither approach accomplishes anything, and I am constantly reminded of Step 1 and recognizing all of the layers of insanity that this disease creates. My husband is deep in denial and blame, and I am very aware that my responses/reactions don't help our already tense dynamic. Any ESH on how to healthily interact with an alcoholic spouse after an alcohol-induced confrontation?
Bo said
May 30, 2017
Lissie wrote:
Hi everyone,
I started Al Anon in January after a very turbulent holiday season and am so thankful for this board and my F2F group. My husband is a functioning/binge drinker. He drinks for hours at a time almost every single day. Yesterday for example, he drank for over 12 hours and then drove to the store for another 6 pack at 2 am. Unfortunately, I engaged after being woken up, which I immediately knew was a bad idea. It was a short-lived interaction but I got no sleep because my obsessive thinking spiraled out of control and I couldn't seem to be able to stop it.
What I am struggling with today is what to do after things come to a head like they did last night. Sometimes I say/do nothing, and other times I try to have a conversation with him once he is sober. I feel like neither approach accomplishes anything, and I am constantly reminded of Step 1 and recognizing all of the layers of insanity that this disease creates. My husband is deep in denial and blame, and I am very aware that my responses/reactions don't help our already tense dynamic. Any ESH on how to healthily interact with an alcoholic spouse after an alcohol-induced confrontation?
Unfortunately, I engaged....well, at least you have awareness around this. This is about you and your actions, behavior, etc. You don't have to engage. You knew it was a bad idea. OK, so you did it. Don't beat yourself up and move on. However, regarding the obsessive thinking, spiraling out of control, etc. -- you can stop it. Work on it. Meet with your sponsor and do the work. Learn about focusing on you, doing the next right thing in front of you, the next right thing for you, for you to be healthy, for you to get better. You control your thoughts...your thoughts don't control you.
I hear what you are struggling about. You will hear -- many times, constantly -- here, in the rooms, etc., to not engage with the alcoholic when they have been drinking. OK. So be it. However, I personally believe there are times you shouldn't engage even when they are sober! It's not a function of time -- it's a function of topics. Just because my AW was sober, that didn't mean it was OK, safe, healthy, beneficial, etc., for me to have a conversation with her about certain topics. Here's an exercise for you...does it need to be said, does it need to be said now and does it need to be said by you? Here's another -- check your motives. You husband is in deep denial and blame...do you think that ends when he is sober? No way. Thus, there are certain topics and conversations you will not want to have with him even when he is sober. I did that for years. She's sober, so now I can "try and make my point" or now I can "explain myself" and now I can "be right" and so on.
If you are looking for a healthy way to interact with a spouse --after an incident -- and when they are sober, look at you. What is it you want to say or discuss? Check your motives. I always waited until she was sober and then used that opportunity simply to re-state my boundaries, or explain what she could expect from me next time, or what I was willing and not willing to do. I did not wait until she was sober just to tell her how angry, disappointed, upset, scared, etc., I was the night before when she was drunk. I didn't wait until she was sober to tell her what happened. I didn't wait to make a point, be right, prove her wrong, tell her all the horrible things she did, etc.
When she was sober -- I told her "from a place of I" -- that's it. I didn't blame, reference, talk about her, etc. I told her what I did, would do, my boundaries, what I would do, not do, and so on. This is about YOU.
Good luck.
Iamhere said
May 30, 2017
Hey Lissie - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. In my small piece of the world, I believe all I've ever wanted to say has been said and all that I want them to hear is irrelevant (for them). I am a double-winner so can say that unless/until he realizes he has a problem, he will always defend, argue, justify and explain away his behavior as well as blame you, the dog, the neighbor, etc.
The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. As you suggest, we are powerless over it but have power over ourselves. I now try to 'be heard' with my sponsor, trusted program friends and my shares at meetings. My I statements that I learned in recovery go well beyond my home - I use them elsewhere as my step work revealed that if others (any others) gave me 'an in', I would take over and control their lives as much as I tried to control my family in my home.
I had to take some steps backwards and realize I am intelligent but I don't know what others want or need. I had to accept that each journey is unique and there is no rapid recovery - we all work the program at our own pace. For me, when I am troubled, it's a good sign I need to be doing some step work or program work.
Now, when there is eruptions in my home, I can get angry, worried, frightened, sad, etc. - whatever it is I need to feel and then move immediately to 'me' - am I OK? Do I need a meeting? Do I need to call someone? Can I be of service in my home or beyond - service work for me helps me stop feeling like it's all about me or done to me....
If you are painstaking about your recovery, there will come a point in time where you come to 'see' that God is doing for you that which you couldn't do before. We don't get well because we got smarter - we get well because we cease fighting everything and everyone. We surrender and nurture self so we can be our best version of us for us one day at a time.
I do not confront. I have been known to say, "Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" after a wicked night when one says, "I don't feel very well today." I work really hard to just keep my mouth shut until I process with another first so that if I decide to speak up, it's not mean and it's about me and what really matters to me.
Keep coming back - as always, take what you like and leave the rest!
Lissie said
May 30, 2017
Thank you, Bo and Iamhere. I appreciate your responses so much. I don't have a sponsor yet but am hoping to ask someone from my F2F group this week. I am also looking into counseling. I am going to spend some time thinking about intentions, boundaries, and taking things one day at a time (or one hour at a time if needed).
My AH came home a bit ago after avoiding me all evening (which gave me time to go to a meeting) and sending some passive aggressive texts earlier. I was able to apologize for my actions last night sincerely and without expecting an apology in return. The tension has lifted and I am encouraged that by learning to focus on myself I can find peace and happiness.
Jerry F said
May 30, 2017
Lissie we learn over time and that is why "Keep coming back" is best suggestion. When I got into the program and finally got rid of my reluctance to participate I was led to doing 90/90...90 meetings in 90 days. I knew what that did because that is how we trained new clients and employees in business to create new habits of thinking and doing. I dug in and did 102 meetings in 90 days because we had so many available and then the miracles started to arrive. Listen to the slogans in your meetings and see how they are helping others to change also. Keep coming back here often also. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
May 31, 2017
(((Lissie))) - love that you were able to pull from the program and find peace. That's exactly how it works - keep coming back and good luck with your sponsor search!
Hi everyone,
I started Al Anon in January after a very turbulent holiday season and am so thankful for this board and my F2F group. My husband is a functioning/binge drinker. He drinks for hours at a time almost every single day. Yesterday for example, he drank for over 12 hours and then drove to the store for another 6 pack at 2 am. Unfortunately, I engaged after being woken up, which I immediately knew was a bad idea. It was a short-lived interaction but I got no sleep because my obsessive thinking spiraled out of control and I couldn't seem to be able to stop it.
What I am struggling with today is what to do after things come to a head like they did last night. Sometimes I say/do nothing, and other times I try to have a conversation with him once he is sober. I feel like neither approach accomplishes anything, and I am constantly reminded of Step 1 and recognizing all of the layers of insanity that this disease creates. My husband is deep in denial and blame, and I am very aware that my responses/reactions don't help our already tense dynamic. Any ESH on how to healthily interact with an alcoholic spouse after an alcohol-induced confrontation?
Unfortunately, I engaged....well, at least you have awareness around this. This is about you and your actions, behavior, etc. You don't have to engage. You knew it was a bad idea. OK, so you did it. Don't beat yourself up and move on. However, regarding the obsessive thinking, spiraling out of control, etc. -- you can stop it. Work on it. Meet with your sponsor and do the work. Learn about focusing on you, doing the next right thing in front of you, the next right thing for you, for you to be healthy, for you to get better. You control your thoughts...your thoughts don't control you.
I hear what you are struggling about. You will hear -- many times, constantly -- here, in the rooms, etc., to not engage with the alcoholic when they have been drinking. OK. So be it. However, I personally believe there are times you shouldn't engage even when they are sober! It's not a function of time -- it's a function of topics. Just because my AW was sober, that didn't mean it was OK, safe, healthy, beneficial, etc., for me to have a conversation with her about certain topics. Here's an exercise for you...does it need to be said, does it need to be said now and does it need to be said by you? Here's another -- check your motives. You husband is in deep denial and blame...do you think that ends when he is sober? No way. Thus, there are certain topics and conversations you will not want to have with him even when he is sober. I did that for years. She's sober, so now I can "try and make my point" or now I can "explain myself" and now I can "be right" and so on.
If you are looking for a healthy way to interact with a spouse --after an incident -- and when they are sober, look at you. What is it you want to say or discuss? Check your motives. I always waited until she was sober and then used that opportunity simply to re-state my boundaries, or explain what she could expect from me next time, or what I was willing and not willing to do. I did not wait until she was sober just to tell her how angry, disappointed, upset, scared, etc., I was the night before when she was drunk. I didn't wait until she was sober to tell her what happened. I didn't wait to make a point, be right, prove her wrong, tell her all the horrible things she did, etc.
When she was sober -- I told her "from a place of I" -- that's it. I didn't blame, reference, talk about her, etc. I told her what I did, would do, my boundaries, what I would do, not do, and so on. This is about YOU.
Good luck.
The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. As you suggest, we are powerless over it but have power over ourselves. I now try to 'be heard' with my sponsor, trusted program friends and my shares at meetings. My I statements that I learned in recovery go well beyond my home - I use them elsewhere as my step work revealed that if others (any others) gave me 'an in', I would take over and control their lives as much as I tried to control my family in my home.
I had to take some steps backwards and realize I am intelligent but I don't know what others want or need. I had to accept that each journey is unique and there is no rapid recovery - we all work the program at our own pace. For me, when I am troubled, it's a good sign I need to be doing some step work or program work.
Now, when there is eruptions in my home, I can get angry, worried, frightened, sad, etc. - whatever it is I need to feel and then move immediately to 'me' - am I OK? Do I need a meeting? Do I need to call someone? Can I be of service in my home or beyond - service work for me helps me stop feeling like it's all about me or done to me....
If you are painstaking about your recovery, there will come a point in time where you come to 'see' that God is doing for you that which you couldn't do before. We don't get well because we got smarter - we get well because we cease fighting everything and everyone. We surrender and nurture self so we can be our best version of us for us one day at a time.
I do not confront. I have been known to say, "Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" after a wicked night when one says, "I don't feel very well today." I work really hard to just keep my mouth shut until I process with another first so that if I decide to speak up, it's not mean and it's about me and what really matters to me.
Keep coming back - as always, take what you like and leave the rest!
Thank you, Bo and Iamhere. I appreciate your responses so much. I don't have a sponsor yet but am hoping to ask someone from my F2F group this week. I am also looking into counseling. I am going to spend some time thinking about intentions, boundaries, and taking things one day at a time (or one hour at a time if needed).
My AH came home a bit ago after avoiding me all evening (which gave me time to go to a meeting) and sending some passive aggressive texts earlier. I was able to apologize for my actions last night sincerely and without expecting an apology in return. The tension has lifted and I am encouraged that by learning to focus on myself I can find peace and happiness.
Lissie we learn over time and that is why "Keep coming back" is best suggestion. When I got into the program and finally got rid of my reluctance to participate I was led to doing 90/90...90 meetings in 90 days. I knew what that did because that is how we trained new clients and employees in business to create new habits of thinking and doing. I dug in and did 102 meetings in 90 days because we had so many available and then the miracles started to arrive. Listen to the slogans in your meetings and see how they are helping others to change also. Keep coming back here often also. ((((hugs))))