Alcoholism is a family disease, and this past weekend, I had the opportunity to see how it had impacted my parents and sister. My grandfather was an alcoholic, although I didn't know him until he was active in AA and moved back to town to make amends to his sons and family.
Last Friday, my wife and our three 50+ pound dogs traveled north to visit my family and help out with some spring chores. (The chores didn't get done, because we were dealing with a sick pup, but that is another story.) We usually stay in the hunting shack my grandfather built, but since the water pump wasn't in for the season and it was too rainy to get to (sand road), ended up staying with my parents on their living room sofa.
I hadn't stayed with them with my wife ever, and had never stayed with them alone for more than one or two nights. I didn't expect that I would have so many opportunities to set and enforce my boundaries this weekend!
The major issue of ongoing focus and drama was my sister's acceptance into a school program that is online, but has an orientation week near me. Both parents and sister seemed determined that we would "iron out" arrangements for her to stay with us and since she will not be driving herself, how my wife and I will get her to and from events each day, etc. I said I was not going to deal with any planning until we had more information from the school. (Details such as daily schedule, which days the orientation is taking place, attendance expectations, etc.) And I had the opportunity to restate that often. Many times a day, for several days. Fascinating thing was, once they realized they were making no planning headway with me, they started in on my wife. Parents trying to get her to agree to things while I was out of the room, sister calling her, etc.
Somehow, the fact that we do not even know which days the orientation is taking place and therefore have no general idea about whether or not we will even be home is not something that should prevent extensive worry and planning about her stay now. I was able to see the all-consuming stress and worry, manipulation and strategies in place in both parents and sister to try to control how something is going to go on yet-to-be-determined days several months in the future.
I am thankful to my program because with AlAnon, I know that there is no need to stress and worry about something that may happen in the future. I was able to stay in the present moment with the present worry (sick pup) and focus on enjoying the time I had with my family. And, I had the tools I needed to set and enforce boundaries that ensured that I was able to stay focused on today.
Mike B said
May 30, 2017
Nicely done Skorpi! Nice boundaries, consistency and good feelings about doing the right thing. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful family disease. Somehow to them it seems normal to pass all the responsibility over to you and be free of any responsibility. I call this Monkey business. Great that you didn't take their Monkey. It's their Monkey and they can sort through dealing with how to handle it.
Iamhere said
May 30, 2017
Good for you Skorpi! Family always tends to be 'harder' to enforce boundaries - I am always reminded how I too didn't listen to what was said before recovery....It's just a FOO thing - and I love how well you stayed present and maintained your boundaries! Way to Go!
Skorpi said
May 31, 2017
Thanks.
Sister is still texting and messaging AW about this, but I haven't heard a peep. The communication wouldn't be so surprising if she had sought contact with my wife more than once before in ten years...
Iamhere said
May 31, 2017
I know my boys are far more likely to 'push' on my AH than me - simply because he doesn't have boundaries and can be very enabling....he's sloooooowy changing......and they are too! How cool that you were heard!!!
Alcoholism is a family disease, and this past weekend, I had the opportunity to see how it had impacted my parents and sister. My grandfather was an alcoholic, although I didn't know him until he was active in AA and moved back to town to make amends to his sons and family.
Last Friday, my wife and our three 50+ pound dogs traveled north to visit my family and help out with some spring chores. (The chores didn't get done, because we were dealing with a sick pup, but that is another story.) We usually stay in the hunting shack my grandfather built, but since the water pump wasn't in for the season and it was too rainy to get to (sand road), ended up staying with my parents on their living room sofa.
I hadn't stayed with them with my wife ever, and had never stayed with them alone for more than one or two nights. I didn't expect that I would have so many opportunities to set and enforce my boundaries this weekend!
The major issue of ongoing focus and drama was my sister's acceptance into a school program that is online, but has an orientation week near me. Both parents and sister seemed determined that we would "iron out" arrangements for her to stay with us and since she will not be driving herself, how my wife and I will get her to and from events each day, etc. I said I was not going to deal with any planning until we had more information from the school. (Details such as daily schedule, which days the orientation is taking place, attendance expectations, etc.) And I had the opportunity to restate that often. Many times a day, for several days. Fascinating thing was, once they realized they were making no planning headway with me, they started in on my wife. Parents trying to get her to agree to things while I was out of the room, sister calling her, etc.
Somehow, the fact that we do not even know which days the orientation is taking place and therefore have no general idea about whether or not we will even be home is not something that should prevent extensive worry and planning about her stay now. I was able to see the all-consuming stress and worry, manipulation and strategies in place in both parents and sister to try to control how something is going to go on yet-to-be-determined days several months in the future.
I am thankful to my program because with AlAnon, I know that there is no need to stress and worry about something that may happen in the future. I was able to stay in the present moment with the present worry (sick pup) and focus on enjoying the time I had with my family. And, I had the tools I needed to set and enforce boundaries that ensured that I was able to stay focused on today.
Nicely done Skorpi! Nice boundaries, consistency and good feelings about doing the right thing. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful family disease. Somehow to them it seems normal to pass all the responsibility over to you and be free of any responsibility. I call this Monkey business. Great that you didn't take their Monkey. It's their Monkey and they can sort through dealing with how to handle it.
Sister is still texting and messaging AW about this, but I haven't heard a peep. The communication wouldn't be so surprising if she had sought contact with my wife more than once before in ten years...