Not been here in awhile, felt like I was getting honesty in my marriage and that my AH was trying to work on his problems with alcohol. Turns out, no surprise really, that he's just gotten better at lying. He admits at least that his intake is much more than I think. In the end, after one lie too many, one more Tuesday night drinking episode, I finally told him he had to leave. He had to leave and not come back until he had sobriety or a program for sobriety in place - a real program...not promises of one. Ultimately I asked for inpatient rehab stay. So now he is out of the house for 3 nights, his brother (who is sober) is with him and trying to help him get into a rehab. My husband of 27 years is crushed - never thought I would do this....
As for me and our 3 children - we are calm. We are grateful. My older son is comforting my younger kids, telling them "this is a good thing, Dad will finally get some help..."
I feel numb. I am worried about him not getting a rehab stay and coming home to do outpatient program and if he is strong enough to commit to that.
I told him I would not discuss our marriage with him right now - that the only thing that matters is his getting healthy. I told him the kids and I want him to be here, to be alive for the future.
I am not going to face to face meetings now but have a very supportive therapist who I am seeing weekly.
Just looking, I guess, for ESH from people who have gone through this and come out the other side with a marriage and family intact. A lot of what I see and read are families that are torn apart by this disease. I know this is a long road but I do love him and want him to succeed - for himself and his children anyway. I don't know yet how I really feel as I've been living in a charade for so long....
Thanks for reading.
SerenityRUS said
May 29, 2017
Big hugs,
Sending support and positive thoughts your way.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
May 29, 2017
(((Kelly)))...I can and will respond only from my own ESH as a member of both programs and a alcohol and drug addiction therapist from the past. Asking and telling him what it is that you want him to do and expect him to follow thru with commitment isn't going to help you much if you will not attempt the same yourself. You are loosing to the disease...as we say at times; going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread. Its leaving the work all up to your HP without doing your part. I have been in recovery since 1979 and have seen most family destruction come as a result of partial commitment...one does/will and the other just makes demands. Usually that results in resentments which contain so much anger and fear on both parts.
I have as sponsee in Al-Anon who took up on the suggestions of meeting attendance with his children in the room with him and today his kids are pretty well held together and happy while is alcoholic/addict is in and out of the negative consequences of the disease. He does his part and his Higher Power does it's part.
In any case please keep coming back to MIP and participating if that is the best you can at this time. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
May 29, 2017
Numb is not a good place for me.....in my experience, when I am numb, I am not moving forward and I am not changing. Alcoholism is a family disease and all who are directly affected need treatment. I support any who seek outside help but for me, that did not provide me the actual support and blueprint for success that the Al-Anon recovery did.
I too am a double-winner, and when one spouse recovers and the other does not, there is continued insanity in the home/relationship. My best suggestion would be to find some meetings and attend them. I got more out of meetings/program that I ever did counseling and the price was right!
I am certain that his world is spinning and that's a good thing (for recovery). As a recovering alcoholic, I had to loose so, so much to hit my bottom but it was absolutely necessary for me to see how the substances were not a good fit for me EVER....
Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts - for the whole family! Keep coming back - hope and help are always available in recovery!
jitsuka said
May 29, 2017
Hope you are OK ((( )))
newleaf66 said
May 29, 2017
Thank you for your responses. What I am hearing is that I should get myself back to the rooms. I'm listening -
Jen61 said
May 29, 2017
I remember my first time going to Al-Anon. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was the best also.
Jerry F said
May 30, 2017
Oh sister you are listening and my memory reminds me also what it was like when I heard that message also. I didn't want to and made it hard on myself and my alcoholic/addict wife who was in the other room trying to get help and it was suggested then that I also get into the AA rooms which I didn't continue after a few meetings. I wasn't ready and my head and emotions were conflicted and so I left my wife in the room she chose and she got sober for a little while and then went back out and as it is predicted for this progressive disease things got WORSE MUCH WORSE and I left the relationship again. We were very sick and didn't know much about it or getting well.
Finally I was done and screamed UNCLE!! and went back to Al-Anon with the rest being the most miraculous adventure I have ever been on.
Give yourself 90 meetings without fighting the newness and keep and open mind...wide open. Take what you like and the rest leave for later and keep coming back here so you can give your miracle to others also...that is how we have survived and healed and will continue to do so.
Prayers and empathy going your way. ((((hugs))))
Jaeger said
May 30, 2017
I haven't been on this board long but will share my ESH. I was also numb for far too long in a long term marriage to an alcoholic. I finally sought Al-Anon which was a lifesaver to me. My husband continued drinking....A LOT. My house was as dysfunctional as they come. One day it all came crashing down. I had to flee my home along with my kids. I finally surrendered.
I had almost no contact with my AH during those early days. I talked to him once and begged him to go to rehab. He refused and came up with a million reasons why he couldn't. I had to get a protection from abuse order and he moved out of the house. I was done with the rinse and repeat of empty promises. Unbeknownst to me, my AH sought the rooms of AA. He is now getting close to his 2 yr sobriety birthday.
I had to let go of the outcome. He either would get sober or he wouldn't. It had nothing to do with me, how I felt, what I thought he needed to do nor where he lived. We just simply aren't that powerful. Today though, life is good.
Hugs to you and your kids!
Bo said
May 30, 2017
newleaf66 wrote:
Not been here in awhile, felt like I was getting honesty in my marriage and that my AH was trying to work on his problems with alcohol. Turns out, no surprise really, that he's just gotten better at lying. He admits at least that his intake is much more than I think. In the end, after one lie too many, one more Tuesday night drinking episode, I finally told him he had to leave. He had to leave and not come back until he had sobriety or a program for sobriety in place - a real program...not promises of one. Ultimately I asked for inpatient rehab stay. So now he is out of the house for 3 nights, his brother (who is sober) is with him and trying to help him get into a rehab. My husband of 27 years is crushed - never thought I would do this....
As for me and our 3 children - we are calm. We are grateful. My older son is comforting my younger kids, telling them "this is a good thing, Dad will finally get some help..."
I feel numb. I am worried about him not getting a rehab stay and coming home to do outpatient program and if he is strong enough to commit to that.
I told him I would not discuss our marriage with him right now - that the only thing that matters is his getting healthy. I told him the kids and I want him to be here, to be alive for the future.
I am not going to face to face meetings now but have a very supportive therapist who I am seeing weekly.
Just looking, I guess, for ESH from people who have gone through this and come out the other side with a marriage and family intact. A lot of what I see and read are families that are torn apart by this disease. I know this is a long road but I do love him and want him to succeed - for himself and his children anyway. I don't know yet how I really feel as I've been living in a charade for so long....
Thanks for reading.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. My personal experience and strength -- admitting is nice, however, it's what comes next that is important...now you admit it, what do you plan on doing about it. Yes, I have to stay on my side of the street, but for my well-being, I want to watch and see what my AW intends on doing and whether or not she actually does it. Actions speak...words do not. I don't sit in judgement, but I too "asked" for an inpatient rehab stay. I got it. Several times. It didn't work! Why? Because she went for the wrong reasons. She didn't really want to go. She was not at the point where SHE wanted to get better, get clean and sober -- and not only say that, but want it and take action to do it. She said she did. But she didn't.
You do need to focus on YOU. Not going to rehab and doing an IOP/outpatient...that's on him. It's about his recovery. Not you, not your want, desire, demand, etc. I feel numb. I am worried about him not getting a rehab stay and coming home to do outpatient program and if he is strong enough to commit to that. He is going to do what he's going to do...and you should do the same. Call it reactionary if you want, but don't make demands, give ultimatums, or even make suggestions. It is exclusively up to him. You can certain decide and verbalize what is unacceptable, that you won't live your life a certain way, etc.
This needs to be about YOU. Let him decide what he is going to decide...and then you do the same. All the best.
newleaf66 said
May 30, 2017
Hey everyone -
Thank you so much for your responses. The update is that he is going into rehab tomorrow - and I understand that is his journey - succeed or fail. I am hearing you - I will try the 90 as Jerry suggested. I am at my bottom now so why shouldn't I care for myself too?
It's hard for me, when I feel like I am "keeping strong" for myself and my children to admit that I need help, that I deserve care, that I also have so much work to do. Getting a therapist was a huge - I mean really huge step - and while it is a good step...I need the other piece of this puzzle...the meetings.
I am grateful that I came back here to seek your wisdom. I will find a meeting tomorrow...and the next day...
I don't know if our marriage will survive but I guess that's not really in my control anyway - the only thing I can truly control is self love and care.
Thank you xo
WestMan said
May 30, 2017
I can relate to feeling numb. This whole situation is just weird. I don't know what to think or feel most of the time.
newleaf66 said
May 30, 2017
It is bizarre - alternate reality. People who aren't living it can't possibly understand which, I guess, is the reason for the groups. I find that just when I think I have a grasp...that I've maybe reached him, this person I've known for 30 years who now feels a stranger...it slips out of my hands and I feel like I have nothing.
Hmmm...could be the definition of being powerless.
That is where I am...ready to admit I am powerless.
Not been here in awhile, felt like I was getting honesty in my marriage and that my AH was trying to work on his problems with alcohol. Turns out, no surprise really, that he's just gotten better at lying. He admits at least that his intake is much more than I think. In the end, after one lie too many, one more Tuesday night drinking episode, I finally told him he had to leave. He had to leave and not come back until he had sobriety or a program for sobriety in place - a real program...not promises of one. Ultimately I asked for inpatient rehab stay. So now he is out of the house for 3 nights, his brother (who is sober) is with him and trying to help him get into a rehab. My husband of 27 years is crushed - never thought I would do this....
As for me and our 3 children - we are calm. We are grateful. My older son is comforting my younger kids, telling them "this is a good thing, Dad will finally get some help..."
I feel numb. I am worried about him not getting a rehab stay and coming home to do outpatient program and if he is strong enough to commit to that.
I told him I would not discuss our marriage with him right now - that the only thing that matters is his getting healthy. I told him the kids and I want him to be here, to be alive for the future.
I am not going to face to face meetings now but have a very supportive therapist who I am seeing weekly.
Just looking, I guess, for ESH from people who have gone through this and come out the other side with a marriage and family intact. A lot of what I see and read are families that are torn apart by this disease. I know this is a long road but I do love him and want him to succeed - for himself and his children anyway. I don't know yet how I really feel as I've been living in a charade for so long....
Thanks for reading.
Sending support and positive thoughts your way.
Hugs S :)
(((Kelly)))...I can and will respond only from my own ESH as a member of both programs and a alcohol and drug addiction therapist from the past. Asking and telling him what it is that you want him to do and expect him to follow thru with commitment isn't going to help you much if you will not attempt the same yourself. You are loosing to the disease...as we say at times; going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread. Its leaving the work all up to your HP without doing your part. I have been in recovery since 1979 and have seen most family destruction come as a result of partial commitment...one does/will and the other just makes demands. Usually that results in resentments which contain so much anger and fear on both parts.
I have as sponsee in Al-Anon who took up on the suggestions of meeting attendance with his children in the room with him and today his kids are pretty well held together and happy while is alcoholic/addict is in and out of the negative consequences of the disease. He does his part and his Higher Power does it's part.
In any case please keep coming back to MIP and participating if that is the best you can at this time. ((((hugs))))
I too am a double-winner, and when one spouse recovers and the other does not, there is continued insanity in the home/relationship. My best suggestion would be to find some meetings and attend them. I got more out of meetings/program that I ever did counseling and the price was right!
I am certain that his world is spinning and that's a good thing (for recovery). As a recovering alcoholic, I had to loose so, so much to hit my bottom but it was absolutely necessary for me to see how the substances were not a good fit for me EVER....
Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts - for the whole family! Keep coming back - hope and help are always available in recovery!
Oh sister you are listening and my memory reminds me also what it was like when I heard that message also. I didn't want to and made it hard on myself and my alcoholic/addict wife who was in the other room trying to get help and it was suggested then that I also get into the AA rooms which I didn't continue after a few meetings. I wasn't ready and my head and emotions were conflicted and so I left my wife in the room she chose and she got sober for a little while and then went back out and as it is predicted for this progressive disease things got WORSE MUCH WORSE and I left the relationship again. We were very sick and didn't know much about it or getting well.
Finally I was done and screamed UNCLE!! and went back to Al-Anon with the rest being the most miraculous adventure I have ever been on.
Give yourself 90 meetings without fighting the newness and keep and open mind...wide open. Take what you like and the rest leave for later and keep coming back here so you can give your miracle to others also...that is how we have survived and healed and will continue to do so.
Prayers and empathy going your way. ((((hugs))))
I had almost no contact with my AH during those early days. I talked to him once and begged him to go to rehab. He refused and came up with a million reasons why he couldn't. I had to get a protection from abuse order and he moved out of the house. I was done with the rinse and repeat of empty promises. Unbeknownst to me, my AH sought the rooms of AA. He is now getting close to his 2 yr sobriety birthday.
I had to let go of the outcome. He either would get sober or he wouldn't. It had nothing to do with me, how I felt, what I thought he needed to do nor where he lived. We just simply aren't that powerful. Today though, life is good.
Hugs to you and your kids!
Nothing changes if nothing changes. My personal experience and strength -- admitting is nice, however, it's what comes next that is important...now you admit it, what do you plan on doing about it. Yes, I have to stay on my side of the street, but for my well-being, I want to watch and see what my AW intends on doing and whether or not she actually does it. Actions speak...words do not. I don't sit in judgement, but I too "asked" for an inpatient rehab stay. I got it. Several times. It didn't work! Why? Because she went for the wrong reasons. She didn't really want to go. She was not at the point where SHE wanted to get better, get clean and sober -- and not only say that, but want it and take action to do it. She said she did. But she didn't.
You do need to focus on YOU. Not going to rehab and doing an IOP/outpatient...that's on him. It's about his recovery. Not you, not your want, desire, demand, etc. I feel numb. I am worried about him not getting a rehab stay and coming home to do outpatient program and if he is strong enough to commit to that. He is going to do what he's going to do...and you should do the same. Call it reactionary if you want, but don't make demands, give ultimatums, or even make suggestions. It is exclusively up to him. You can certain decide and verbalize what is unacceptable, that you won't live your life a certain way, etc.
This needs to be about YOU. Let him decide what he is going to decide...and then you do the same. All the best.
Thank you so much for your responses. The update is that he is going into rehab tomorrow - and I understand that is his journey - succeed or fail. I am hearing you - I will try the 90 as Jerry suggested. I am at my bottom now so why shouldn't I care for myself too?
It's hard for me, when I feel like I am "keeping strong" for myself and my children to admit that I need help, that I deserve care, that I also have so much work to do. Getting a therapist was a huge - I mean really huge step - and while it is a good step...I need the other piece of this puzzle...the meetings.
I am grateful that I came back here to seek your wisdom. I will find a meeting tomorrow...and the next day...
I don't know if our marriage will survive but I guess that's not really in my control anyway - the only thing I can truly control is self love and care.
Thank you xo