I'm the alternate group rep for my local meeting. I've been a member of this home group for about 3 years.
I'm having an issue I am not quite sure how to deal with. Its about business meetings and group conscience.
Our GR has been in Alanon since December. Our treasurer has been a member for over 20 years. Our group wanted to have a business meeting; and we asked the treasurer for a report. This is the third time in 3 months we have asked for a report. It has not happened. She told me the amount of money she THINKS we have, and asked me to help her. I sent a copy of the district financial report, and a sample budget. We have some meetings on the horizon, and generally we pay for the GR to attend. Rent, materials (books et al); an amount for the district, state, and WSO. I told her to change it in any way she felt she'd like and the group conscience would guide the final to her suggestions.
Nothing. Nada. OK. Bring it to the NEXT business meeting.
Our GR then started fighting about the agenda. (I'll back up a bit) The start time was scheduled for 7:30. It was on the calendar that was passed around for weeks. The GR insisted we not start until 7:45.
Back to the agenda. She was ranting that each group is autonomous and they don't have to follow the suggested guidelines. Ok. So lets set them. Nope. She pitched a fit (in front of 3 new-comers) and we got not one thing accomplished. She ranted that she talked to someone who "knows" and we can do it any way we want, but when asking her for her input, we got none. Then she holds up the service manual (that she will not share with ANYONE- she takes it home) and asked if we knew what it was. (It was the question from our district). Of course, I do. So did some others, but some had no idea. She quipped "I'll tell them NO". I quietly said " I know what it is and so do several others. A better answer might be YES AND NO"
Today is our district meeting. I plan on attending and trying to talk to the GR before the meeting. I don't have any idea what I did to her that upset her apple cart, but I am going to ask. I'm also thinking of asking the DR to come to our next business meeting (that our GR demands be in 6 months, instead of letting the group make the call).
Thoughts?
tiredtonite said
May 28, 2017
Hi Kitty,
It sounds like you've made reasonable requests. It never hurts to invite the district rep to sit in at a meeting and offer some suggestions. There is some sort of disconnect going on. It's difficult to say why you can't seem to get a financial report from this member who has offered service. Alanon district reps can be of help in mediating such situations. Your group has a right to that information. Incidently, the Alanon Service Manual is available online. The physical book is the property of your group. It's meant to be available for reference for any group member attending a meeting. To my understanding, it's not meant for the exclusive use of any one member who volunteers to do Alanon service. Some groups allow members to borrow such materials with the condition that they will return same within a reasonable timeframe.
My experience from Alanon groups I attend is that no one person is group treasurer. If something happens to that person, the group's hands are tied. Two people sign off on checks and have banking access. This allow information to reported to the group if one or the other is ill or has some other issue going on in their life. I will say what possibly your post implies but you may be too polite to say. Some Alanons' motivation for doing service is rooted in non resolved control issues. They are often the first to volunteer for service, last to relinquish service unless forced to do so and many times not open to suggestions of others in the group. It sometimes takes the whole group to wrangle the service position away from these individuals. Other in Alanon who have lived with active alcoholics who have possibly talked at them rather to them, hesitate to confront strong willed Alanon members who are dominating service.
Our meetings places are meant to be safe havens that are welcoming and where the principles of recovery are practiced. Everyone comes with their own issues and of course we should have compassion for others as we would hope for the same from them concerning our imperfections. I am always grateful to those who have willingness to give service to my groups but when one's issue impedes the group as a whole, in my humble opinion it's time to involve someone on the district level. Groups have been known to disband due to controversy and discord. I'm many years in recovery and have this to be rare because most Alanons really want their meeting to continue but it does happen on occassion. It's especially tough for those who live in rural areas with very few meetings. You also bring up a good point concerning the 3 newcomers who were in attendance at the meeting. We want to be mindful to be good representative of recovery in action. Newcomers are already in the midst of insanity and chaos and are desperately looking for recovery.
I hope these issues get resolved peaceably at your Alanon group. I also hope you share any updates of how these issues are being resolved in your group. It would be a great service in itself for helping others who are have similar issues in an Alanon group. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 28th of May 2017 01:10:38 PM
DavidG said
May 28, 2017
Hi, Kitty...
I come from a small town group, in a small faraway country.
I always said we kept our finances in a pickle jar [where everyone could see it] and our papers in a chocolate box.
All in our group were so badly wrecked, including me. It was all we could do, especially in the early years.
Our only conscience meeting: we were meeting in a school staff room. There was a no-smoking rule. The group held a conscience meeting to go and meet where members could smoke. And the smokers won- we went back to the AA rooms.
That was a while ago, of course... not a really good way to run a conscience meeting. We do need to consider the wishes and needs of minorities and individuals. After all- this is what an actual conscience is all about.
You kin tell this is not an agony aunt sort of group here... we are all left to form our own conclusions... and find our own solutions...
old-timers and newcomers- gals and pals... I also call Alanon my refuge... laughter and tears... thanks for my chance to share, Bless you... ...
DavidG said
May 28, 2017
Ps... I found the other posting here- on a meeting issue- to be really helpful too... ...
Hello Kitty said
May 28, 2017
Thank you. In all, I think God had a plan. Went to a district meeting and one of the two people (our GR) was there that fought every topic at the meeting. It turns out that the district meeting was on the very topics we tried to discuss. I didn't need to do or say a thing. Group finance, treasurers reports, donating to the district, state, and WSO, conventions, rent, group conscience in making decisions- everything.
It was "Perfect". As usual, just what was needed happened at a meeting. I should have known, lol. That said, if, at our next meeting she doesn't bring it up, I will bring in the meeting minutes, a copy for everyone. The ball is in her court for now- we'll hope she scores a three pointer. :) Growth is important.
After the meeting, I joined for lunch and was very cordial towards her.
Thank you both.
-- Edited by Hello Kitty on Sunday 28th of May 2017 08:51:50 PM
tiredtonite said
May 28, 2017
That's wonderful! Hp was present. Here's hoping your group will be better because of it. Thanks for sharing :) TT
mydogisreallycute said
May 29, 2017
Hi! Glad to hear you had a cordial fellowship experience. I read your post last night and deleted my comments because I was totally over-reacting. I'm still shocked as I've never ever been involved with a meeting that had a group rep with only six months in al-anon. Is that a thing?! I was still crying and setting up chairs at 6 months. Well not at the same time. But you know what I mean.
I have a copy of the service manual, and a groups at work booklet, it's all downloadable as mentioned before. All of the groups I've been to have a group copy that's loaned out.
I've found every meeting has conflict and resolutions. Periods of time will pass where nothing happens then the energy changes. In my experience things escalate when someone is afraid of losing control of the group and someone else is afraid of confrontation. (I've been both, so happy to have a lovely helpful sponsor.) Suddenly there is the potential for cliques, victims, desire to punish etc. etc. It's just the disease reminding me that I have more work to do on detachment with a lot of love.
I've found monthly business meetings and a mutually agreed to printed group conscience to be helpful aids in healing and teaching the principles. Also, sponsoring incoming service members helps them understand the group conscience and the need for a service manual. In my experience all this healing takes time.
So, the Treasurer! The group deserves to know every single thing about the money. That pickle jar reference has me giggling. The treasurer deserves to be trusted to do the job she's volunteered for. So where is the gray area there? Let us know how it goes with your plan. Im hoping for the best possible outcome. I'm guessing she's overwhelmed? I wonder if she is afraid to ask for help? I'm just reframing it with some compassion. Often I assume someone is ignoring the group etc. but really, they're afraid of something and aren't showing vulnerability so I'm left in the dark. (I don't like the dark. I have night lights all over my house.) Since I wait to be asked for help now, I've had to learn to wait patiently. I'm learning, I really don't have this one well practiced -laughing as I type here. Still working on that spiritual perfection HA!! I like your ideas of asking etc.
Congrats on the HP meeting topic! THAT'S SO COOL!! :)
Hello Kitty said
May 29, 2017
I have a very strong personality. As a former United States Marine, and an officer in many organizations through the years, I have to say that meeting was a challenge for my temperament.
The old me would have flipped out at the meeting and at her. The "new" Al-anon me was able to keep a fairly level head, but the steam was coming out of my "Leather neck" (a term for Marines).
I'm glad to see my personal growth, and I'm looking forward to watching hers as well.
As to the question of time in and service, I agree it would be better to have someone in that role with more experience; however; I do appreciate her service. I had to many things on my plate to make a commitment at the time the old GR resigned, and so did others. I was hopeful that it would build her confidence and allow her some personal growth. I'm the alternate GR; and my aim was to assist her in this process. I can only offer my ESH to her. The ball again is in her court.
New elections for all groups is a few months away. Maybe by then some things will have resolved. As to the treasurer; it was covered in the district meeting that TWO people from the group be on the checking account. Hopefully someone will step up and perhaps be better grounded in presenting a report? My higher power has been working this. I'm going to let him.
Hello all,
I'm the alternate group rep for my local meeting. I've been a member of this home group for about 3 years.
I'm having an issue I am not quite sure how to deal with. Its about business meetings and group conscience.
Our GR has been in Alanon since December. Our treasurer has been a member for over 20 years. Our group wanted to have a business meeting; and we asked the treasurer for a report. This is the third time in 3 months we have asked for a report. It has not happened. She told me the amount of money she THINKS we have, and asked me to help her. I sent a copy of the district financial report, and a sample budget. We have some meetings on the horizon, and generally we pay for the GR to attend. Rent, materials (books et al); an amount for the district, state, and WSO. I told her to change it in any way she felt she'd like and the group conscience would guide the final to her suggestions.
Nothing. Nada. OK. Bring it to the NEXT business meeting.
Our GR then started fighting about the agenda. (I'll back up a bit) The start time was scheduled for 7:30. It was on the calendar that was passed around for weeks. The GR insisted we not start until 7:45.
Back to the agenda. She was ranting that each group is autonomous and they don't have to follow the suggested guidelines. Ok. So lets set them. Nope. She pitched a fit (in front of 3 new-comers) and we got not one thing accomplished. She ranted that she talked to someone who "knows" and we can do it any way we want, but when asking her for her input, we got none. Then she holds up the service manual (that she will not share with ANYONE- she takes it home) and asked if we knew what it was. (It was the question from our district). Of course, I do. So did some others, but some had no idea. She quipped "I'll tell them NO". I quietly said " I know what it is and so do several others. A better answer might be YES AND NO"
Today is our district meeting. I plan on attending and trying to talk to the GR before the meeting. I don't have any idea what I did to her that upset her apple cart, but I am going to ask. I'm also thinking of asking the DR to come to our next business meeting (that our GR demands be in 6 months, instead of letting the group make the call).
Thoughts?
Hi Kitty,
It sounds like you've made reasonable requests. It never hurts to invite the district rep to sit in at a meeting and offer some suggestions. There is some sort of disconnect going on. It's difficult to say why you can't seem to get a financial report from this member who has offered service. Alanon district reps can be of help in mediating such situations. Your group has a right to that information. Incidently, the Alanon Service Manual is available online. The physical book is the property of your group. It's meant to be available for reference for any group member attending a meeting. To my understanding, it's not meant for the exclusive use of any one member who volunteers to do Alanon service. Some groups allow members to borrow such materials with the condition that they will return same within a reasonable timeframe.
My experience from Alanon groups I attend is that no one person is group treasurer. If something happens to that person, the group's hands are tied. Two people sign off on checks and have banking access. This allow information to reported to the group if one or the other is ill or has some other issue going on in their life. I will say what possibly your post implies but you may be too polite to say. Some Alanons' motivation for doing service is rooted in non resolved control issues. They are often the first to volunteer for service, last to relinquish service unless forced to do so and many times not open to suggestions of others in the group. It sometimes takes the whole group to wrangle the service position away from these individuals. Other in Alanon who have lived with active alcoholics who have possibly talked at them rather to them, hesitate to confront strong willed Alanon members who are dominating service.
Our meetings places are meant to be safe havens that are welcoming and where the principles of recovery are practiced. Everyone comes with their own issues and of course we should have compassion for others as we would hope for the same from them concerning our imperfections. I am always grateful to those who have willingness to give service to my groups but when one's issue impedes the group as a whole, in my humble opinion it's time to involve someone on the district level. Groups have been known to disband due to controversy and discord. I'm many years in recovery and have this to be rare because most Alanons really want their meeting to continue but it does happen on occassion. It's especially tough for those who live in rural areas with very few meetings. You also bring up a good point concerning the 3 newcomers who were in attendance at the meeting. We want to be mindful to be good representative of recovery in action. Newcomers are already in the midst of insanity and chaos and are desperately looking for recovery.
I hope these issues get resolved peaceably at your Alanon group. I also hope you share any updates of how these issues are being resolved in your group. It would be a great service in itself for helping others who are have similar issues in an Alanon group. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 28th of May 2017 01:10:38 PM
Hi, Kitty...
I come from a small town group, in a small faraway country.
I always said we kept our finances in a pickle jar [where everyone could see it] and our papers in a chocolate box.
All in our group were so badly wrecked, including me. It was all we could do, especially in the early years.
Our only conscience meeting: we were meeting in a school staff room. There was a no-smoking rule. The group held a conscience meeting to go and meet where members could smoke. And the smokers won- we went back to the AA rooms.
That was a while ago, of course... not a really good way to run a conscience meeting. We do need to consider the wishes and needs of minorities and individuals. After all- this is what an actual conscience is all about.
You kin tell this is not an agony aunt sort of group here... we are all left to form our own conclusions... and find our own solutions...
old-timers and newcomers- gals and pals... I also call Alanon my refuge... laughter and tears... thanks for my chance to share, Bless you...
...
Ps... I found the other posting here- on a meeting issue- to be really helpful too...
...
Thank you. In all, I think God had a plan. Went to a district meeting and one of the two people (our GR) was there that fought every topic at the meeting. It turns out that the district meeting was on the very topics we tried to discuss. I didn't need to do or say a thing. Group finance, treasurers reports, donating to the district, state, and WSO, conventions, rent, group conscience in making decisions- everything.
It was "Perfect". As usual, just what was needed happened at a meeting. I should have known, lol. That said, if, at our next meeting she doesn't bring it up, I will bring in the meeting minutes, a copy for everyone. The ball is in her court for now- we'll hope she scores a three pointer. :) Growth is important.
After the meeting, I joined for lunch and was very cordial towards her.
Thank you both.
-- Edited by Hello Kitty on Sunday 28th of May 2017 08:51:50 PM
That's wonderful! Hp was present. Here's hoping your group will be better because of it. Thanks for sharing :) TT
The old me would have flipped out at the meeting and at her. The "new" Al-anon me was able to keep a fairly level head, but the steam was coming out of my "Leather neck" (a term for Marines).
I'm glad to see my personal growth, and I'm looking forward to watching hers as well.
As to the question of time in and service, I agree it would be better to have someone in that role with more experience; however; I do appreciate her service. I had to many things on my plate to make a commitment at the time the old GR resigned, and so did others. I was hopeful that it would build her confidence and allow her some personal growth. I'm the alternate GR; and my aim was to assist her in this process. I can only offer my ESH to her. The ball again is in her court.
New elections for all groups is a few months away. Maybe by then some things will have resolved. As to the treasurer; it was covered in the district meeting that TWO people from the group be on the checking account. Hopefully someone will step up and perhaps be better grounded in presenting a report? My higher power has been working this. I'm going to let him.