Hi everyone, as some of you read, my husband crossed the line last Friday and was physically aggressive with me. It started over him bothering me for money for pot and despite my efforts to disengage and not escalate things he jumped on me in bed literally being quiet, I was beside my daughter and he acted scary and frightened us both. I ended up with a bruise on my chest and I bit him on the hand when he was holding me down trying to break free. I called he police and then redacted when they called back. The whole thing was horrible. After he tried to say we both acted badly and that he expected me to apologize to him and promise "we" would never do that again. Since coming to al anon our day to day life has been better but he is more angry when he is drunk. He feels me withdrawing and he is lashing out. I met with a lawyer today, she was really helpful, and she was pretty grim about my situation. Basically "when do you think you want to separate" - and she is concerned about our daughter obviously. It just feels so overwhelming to me. I don't want to blind side him with a legal separation, but I also think he is volatile and unpredictable. I don't feel ready but I am scared that moment isn't going to come. How much do I have to go through and/or expose our daughter to, I feel completely lost. I am heartbroken but I feel like the past few months denial is falling away and whenever I speak the truth about our life I see how unmanage it is when I look at the facts. The problem is my husband has a job, and sometimes he is still the nice person I fell in love with. I guess I am waiting for it to be 100% terrible so walking away will be easy. I know that isn't possible or if it is I would pay greatly getting there. Any advice?
SerenityRUS said
May 25, 2017
Hugs .. ,
I think you know when you know .. my thing is this .. if you make a decision before you are actually ready then there will be a lot of back peddling. So I just encourage you to pray and breathe, you have done the footwork and I believe HP will do the rest. I know I kept asking for a sign with my first one .. LOL .. oh I got a brick wall and thought ok .. I heard you this time .. LOL. I laugh now .. however it was a large wall and it didn't feel good at all.
With my first XH it was the only time he laid hands on me I immediately knew I was done .. I did not have children to consider at that point and time .. I guess my personality being what it is that would have been enough to push me over the edge to leave. The question that ran through my mind with my 2nd XAH was if my daughter came to me in confidence and told me what she was going through .. what would I say knowing how she was being treated .. how did I teach her to be treated by men .. ditto for my son .. how did I teach my son to treat women. Now that came when I was deciding to file I had met with attorney's at that point and I was still waffling back and forth for a bit. My XAH threatened not to pay me and that's when all hell broke loose on my end .. I thought ok .. he's left me no choice.
I hope that your attorney has already put in to place him being removed from the home after he's served .. this is not a situation you want to be walking into blind .. my X was out of the house and OMGOSH he was FURIOUS without question. HE was the one adamant about the divorce. I was doing what he wanted .. I can't imagine if he hadn't wanted it .. ugh. So I just encourage you to have a couple safe guards in place based upon what has already happened.
The abuse is concerning .. the abuse is not ok .. and it is the abuse that needs to be addressed in terms of it's not safe at this point. Have you considered going to some DV counseling in the area? I suggest this because they will offer free counseling for folks in these situations to help with the next right thing to do. The biggest thing is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. HE has issues to deal with and while he has a disease .. he is still responsible for his actions and consequences.
big hugs, this too shall pass.
Aline said
May 25, 2017
Hugs, (((Vicki))). I can really relate to what you have shared. I will share some of my recent experience, take what you want, and leave the rest.
I completely can relate to not being ready to leave, somehow waiting until things will get bad enough to be able to walk away easily, without guilt, without being the "bad dumper" and the one to blame afterwards. Just last week I was thinking all these things, but in a painful realization during one super crazy evening not unlike the situation you shared I finally became aware of a major reason I was "waiting for things to get bad enough", and the reason was fear / lack of courage. I had denied it to myself for I don't know how long, telling myself I'm staying because I love him and because I have Alanon now and I can live with him drinking and also be OK myself. These things are true, but the fear of being the one to make that crucial, life-changing step was equally true, I just hadn't let myself be aware of that before, because I was ashamed of this cowardice in me - so I denied it even existed...
So what really helped me see the next right move was - being totally honest with myself about my motives for staying with my qualifier and my motives for waiting for things to get bad enough.
Take care, stay safe, warm thoughts to you and your daughter...
Jill said
May 25, 2017
Consider what will your reaction be if a stranger your husband's size assaulted her the same way?
You deserve protection just as much.
Can you trust him not to behave like that with her?
The safety of you and your daughter is urgent, whatever form that takes. From a safe position, you can work on the other details that need to be addressed.
shrnp said
May 25, 2017
VickiR,
You have to be careful what you become accustom to. I would have a plan in place because if he acted like this already, he probably will do it again.
Mattie said
May 25, 2017
Just to say that 100% terrible could get you killed. I hope you won't wait until then.
One thing to think about is that your daughter is learning what is normal in a relationship. Even though she's too young to put it into words, she is picking up on everything that happens and how you react. If she were grown up and her partner were holding her down and not letting her up and bruising her and she had to bite him to get free, would you want her to think that this is how relationships work and she should just deal with it, or what would you advise her to do?
Treating us well and being "their old selves" sometimes is the way alcoholics convince us to stay despite chaos and turmoil. But alcoholism is progressive and those times get fewer and fewer - and if there is violence, the chances are huge that it will get worse and worse. I know many women feel that it's bearable if it's "just" aimed at them and not at their child, but children later report that it's terrifying seeing their parent harmed.
I hope you will get lots of support and take good care of yourself.
VickiR said
May 25, 2017
Thanks for the responses everyone. Seriously it helps to have a place to be totally honest.
And Aline I really relate about it coming down to fear and cowardice. I am afraid to break away and throw everything away, go through the uncomfortable flames and have my life so completely blown apart. I want to know I made the right choice, because he will make me feel like I threw out family away for nothing. I also find that realization very unsettling and I wish I was stronger.
I hate how things swing so ferociously from insane to normal. Tonight my husband came home after work, played with our daughter while I made dinner and has been super nice - it all feels like a bad dream and I think, why can't this happen every day?! I know why, but it's so sad.
I know the answer is to leave. I just need to get my heart to catch up to my head a little more. I know that in a matter of days things will be the same miserable existence again.
My family is aware of the situation (except the assault) and I am prepared to leave/call the police if anything happens again. I have a plan now which feels good.
Alcoholism is so miserable. I wish I had paid greater attention to the red flags before we were married. They were so clear and I thought it would be ok.
Bo said
May 26, 2017
VickiR wrote:
Thanks for the responses everyone. Seriously it helps to have a place to be totally honest. And Aline I really relate about it coming down to fear and cowardice. I am afraid to break away and throw everything away, go through the uncomfortable flames and have my life so completely blown apart. I want to know I made the right choice, because he will make me feel like I threw out family away for nothing. I also find that realization very unsettling and I wish I was stronger. I hate how things swing so ferociously from insane to normal. Tonight my husband came home after work, played with our daughter while I made dinner and has been super nice - it all feels like a bad dream and I think, why can't this happen every day?! I know why, but it's so sad. I know the answer is to leave. I just need to get my heart to catch up to my head a little more. I know that in a matter of days things will be the same miserable existence again. My family is aware of the situation (except the assault) and I am prepared to leave/call the police if anything happens again. I have a plan now which feels good. Alcoholism is so miserable. I wish I had paid greater attention to the red flags before we were married. They were so clear and I thought it would be ok.
First, the first thing I bolded -- he can't make you feel anything. You may allow him to, but he can't make you feel anything. Focus on you and you won't buy into anything he tries to make you feel. Once you get better, healthier, etc. -- you will then realize he can't make you feel anything.
Second, great -- commit to it. If anything happens. Call. Don't change your mind once they call back. You call. You take action.
Third, don't beat yourself up. Go gentle and be gentle with yourself now. Hold yourself and have a sponsor hold you accountable -- but don't keep beating yourself up.
Keep coming back.
andromeda said
May 26, 2017
I left when the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving. That was on my own timetable even though I should have left years earlier.
I read all that you wrote and it sounds so much like me. My feelings were his responsibility.....NOPE, they are my responsibility and I have the power to change that.
I hear guilt coming from you, I get it............NOPE.....his problem is his problem and it's your responsibility to set boundaries for yourself.
As for the red flags.........well sometimes we don't know what we don't know. We fall into patterns that fit us, that let us be comfortable and we truly just don't see. Other times, it's just because the other person changes or reveals things about themselves that they hadn't before. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's the past. What is your future going to look like.
Close your eyes for a minute. Picture yourself 2 years from now. What do you want that to look like? Will it look like your life currently or do you see yourself on your own, supporting yourself and your child, living peacefully in a small apartment? Honestly, I thought I'd be living out of my car but when I was ready to leave, I was ready to leave. A friend of mine in program once said to me, "You'll know because you'll have perfect peace." Well, I can't say that it was a lightbulb moment but it definitely was a moment where I realized I was ready......like a slow progression towards making that decisions.
My XAH never abused me, though, so I felt a bit safer staying. I'm not sure I would stay through physical abuse but maybe I would have at a certain point. My son was currently abused by my XAH last week. But, yet, my son keeps going back to his dad's house. I can't stop him. He's 18. He has to learn to set boundaries and decide what is acceptable for him at this point. Only you can decide what is enough for you. Hugs, I know it's hard. Gather up strength from within. And, turn it all over to your Higher Power.
Bo said
May 26, 2017
VickiR wrote:
Hi everyone, as some of you read, my husband crossed the line last Friday and was physically aggressive with me. It started over him bothering me for money for pot and despite my efforts to disengage and not escalate things he jumped on me in bed literally being quiet, I was beside my daughter and he acted scary and frightened us both. I ended up with a bruise on my chest and I bit him on the hand when he was holding me down trying to break free. I called he police and then redacted when they called back. The whole thing was horrible. After he tried to say we both acted badly and that he expected me to apologize to him and promise "we" would never do that again. Since coming to al anon our day to day life has been better but he is more angry when he is drunk. He feels me withdrawing and he is lashing out. I met with a lawyer today, she was really helpful, and she was pretty grim about my situation. Basically "when do you think you want to separate" - and she is concerned about our daughter obviously. It just feels so overwhelming to me. I don't want to blind side him with a legal separation, but I also think he is volatile and unpredictable. I don't feel ready but I am scared that moment isn't going to come. How much do I have to go through and/or expose our daughter to, I feel completely lost. I am heartbroken but I feel like the past few months denial is falling away and whenever I speak the truth about our life I see how unmanage it is when I look at the facts. The problem is my husband has a job, and sometimes he is still the nice person I fell in love with. I guess I am waiting for it to be 100% terrible so walking away will be easy. I know that isn't possible or if it is I would pay greatly getting there. Any advice?
When is it time to leave? Well, the first line in your post stated -- he crossed the line. Is that irrevocable with you? The scene you described does not sound like a one-time, one-off, etc., kind of thing. It sounds like a very unhealthy, unhappy, and unsafe environment. I've been going to meetings for over 20 years and I hear many people vacillate and rationalize and justify "staying" -- and I get it. If that is how you want to live your life, that's fine. It is your decision. If not, yes, it can be overwhelming. So is getting hit. Or beaten. You had to apologize to him? That is bizarre and very unhealthy. I understand how you feel. I felt that too.
At some point, when you are ready, you will decide how you want to live your life. I have a friend in the rooms and she has lived for 30 years with her husband. He drinks, excessively, in her own words "far too often" and "often, life is very hard, difficult, and it can be unbearable" -- and these are her words. Yet she decided not to leave. It was OK for her to live her life this way. Her decision. I have another friend who couldn't live a fraction of this way. Her husband drank a couple times a week and was an alcoholic. She decided to leave. She said she didn't want a part-time marriage, couldn't live with "most days" having a sober husband who still had a drinking problem, and she decided to leave. Which one was right? Both of them. Each was right for themselves...not the other.
Keep coming back.
VickiR said
May 26, 2017
Thanks everyone. So helpful to hear what everyone else has been through. I agree about not wanting to have a part time marriage, that has been my biggest grievance until now. That is a huge motivator for me wanting to leave and finding the courage for that. We have been married for 8 years and he hasn't been violent with me before. He has been intimidating and scary on very rare occasion, but most of the time he is absent when he drinks and I'm usually left alone. I think I was so shocked by it happening it's taking me a while to take it in honestly. I think his general absence with drinking actually makes things bearable for me on a day to day level, setting his more recent escalation aside. That still comes down to my self worth and saying I want more out of my life.
VickiR said
May 26, 2017
8 years of marriage, we had a lot of years that were really wonderful. It's the last two that have changed so dramatically and that makes it hard to walk away. Telling myself it's been long enough and it won't go back to the way it was. :(
I think you know when you know .. my thing is this .. if you make a decision before you are actually ready then there will be a lot of back peddling. So I just encourage you to pray and breathe, you have done the footwork and I believe HP will do the rest. I know I kept asking for a sign with my first one .. LOL .. oh I got a brick wall and thought ok .. I heard you this time .. LOL. I laugh now .. however it was a large wall and it didn't feel good at all.
With my first XH it was the only time he laid hands on me I immediately knew I was done .. I did not have children to consider at that point and time .. I guess my personality being what it is that would have been enough to push me over the edge to leave. The question that ran through my mind with my 2nd XAH was if my daughter came to me in confidence and told me what she was going through .. what would I say knowing how she was being treated .. how did I teach her to be treated by men .. ditto for my son .. how did I teach my son to treat women. Now that came when I was deciding to file I had met with attorney's at that point and I was still waffling back and forth for a bit. My XAH threatened not to pay me and that's when all hell broke loose on my end .. I thought ok .. he's left me no choice.
I hope that your attorney has already put in to place him being removed from the home after he's served .. this is not a situation you want to be walking into blind .. my X was out of the house and OMGOSH he was FURIOUS without question. HE was the one adamant about the divorce. I was doing what he wanted .. I can't imagine if he hadn't wanted it .. ugh. So I just encourage you to have a couple safe guards in place based upon what has already happened.
The abuse is concerning .. the abuse is not ok .. and it is the abuse that needs to be addressed in terms of it's not safe at this point. Have you considered going to some DV counseling in the area? I suggest this because they will offer free counseling for folks in these situations to help with the next right thing to do. The biggest thing is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. HE has issues to deal with and while he has a disease .. he is still responsible for his actions and consequences.
big hugs, this too shall pass.
Hugs, (((Vicki))). I can really relate to what you have shared. I will share some of my recent experience, take what you want, and leave the rest.
I completely can relate to not being ready to leave, somehow waiting until things will get bad enough to be able to walk away easily, without guilt, without being the "bad dumper" and the one to blame afterwards. Just last week I was thinking all these things, but in a painful realization during one super crazy evening not unlike the situation you shared I finally became aware of a major reason I was "waiting for things to get bad enough", and the reason was fear / lack of courage. I had denied it to myself for I don't know how long, telling myself I'm staying because I love him and because I have Alanon now and I can live with him drinking and also be OK myself. These things are true, but the fear of being the one to make that crucial, life-changing step was equally true, I just hadn't let myself be aware of that before, because I was ashamed of this cowardice in me - so I denied it even existed...
So what really helped me see the next right move was - being totally honest with myself about my motives for staying with my qualifier and my motives for waiting for things to get bad enough.
Take care, stay safe, warm thoughts to you and your daughter...
You deserve protection just as much.
Can you trust him not to behave like that with her?
The safety of you and your daughter is urgent, whatever form that takes. From a safe position, you can work on the other details that need to be addressed.
You have to be careful what you become accustom to. I would have a plan in place because if he acted like this already, he probably will do it again.
Just to say that 100% terrible could get you killed. I hope you won't wait until then.
One thing to think about is that your daughter is learning what is normal in a relationship. Even though she's too young to put it into words, she is picking up on everything that happens and how you react. If she were grown up and her partner were holding her down and not letting her up and bruising her and she had to bite him to get free, would you want her to think that this is how relationships work and she should just deal with it, or what would you advise her to do?
Treating us well and being "their old selves" sometimes is the way alcoholics convince us to stay despite chaos and turmoil. But alcoholism is progressive and those times get fewer and fewer - and if there is violence, the chances are huge that it will get worse and worse. I know many women feel that it's bearable if it's "just" aimed at them and not at their child, but children later report that it's terrifying seeing their parent harmed.
I hope you will get lots of support and take good care of yourself.
First, the first thing I bolded -- he can't make you feel anything. You may allow him to, but he can't make you feel anything. Focus on you and you won't buy into anything he tries to make you feel. Once you get better, healthier, etc. -- you will then realize he can't make you feel anything.
Second, great -- commit to it. If anything happens. Call. Don't change your mind once they call back. You call. You take action.
Third, don't beat yourself up. Go gentle and be gentle with yourself now. Hold yourself and have a sponsor hold you accountable -- but don't keep beating yourself up.
Keep coming back.
I read all that you wrote and it sounds so much like me. My feelings were his responsibility.....NOPE, they are my responsibility and I have the power to change that.
I hear guilt coming from you, I get it............NOPE.....his problem is his problem and it's your responsibility to set boundaries for yourself.
As for the red flags.........well sometimes we don't know what we don't know. We fall into patterns that fit us, that let us be comfortable and we truly just don't see. Other times, it's just because the other person changes or reveals things about themselves that they hadn't before. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's the past. What is your future going to look like.
Close your eyes for a minute. Picture yourself 2 years from now. What do you want that to look like? Will it look like your life currently or do you see yourself on your own, supporting yourself and your child, living peacefully in a small apartment? Honestly, I thought I'd be living out of my car but when I was ready to leave, I was ready to leave. A friend of mine in program once said to me, "You'll know because you'll have perfect peace." Well, I can't say that it was a lightbulb moment but it definitely was a moment where I realized I was ready......like a slow progression towards making that decisions.
My XAH never abused me, though, so I felt a bit safer staying. I'm not sure I would stay through physical abuse but maybe I would have at a certain point. My son was currently abused by my XAH last week. But, yet, my son keeps going back to his dad's house. I can't stop him. He's 18. He has to learn to set boundaries and decide what is acceptable for him at this point. Only you can decide what is enough for you. Hugs, I know it's hard. Gather up strength from within. And, turn it all over to your Higher Power.
When is it time to leave? Well, the first line in your post stated -- he crossed the line. Is that irrevocable with you? The scene you described does not sound like a one-time, one-off, etc., kind of thing. It sounds like a very unhealthy, unhappy, and unsafe environment. I've been going to meetings for over 20 years and I hear many people vacillate and rationalize and justify "staying" -- and I get it. If that is how you want to live your life, that's fine. It is your decision. If not, yes, it can be overwhelming. So is getting hit. Or beaten. You had to apologize to him? That is bizarre and very unhealthy. I understand how you feel. I felt that too.
At some point, when you are ready, you will decide how you want to live your life. I have a friend in the rooms and she has lived for 30 years with her husband. He drinks, excessively, in her own words "far too often" and "often, life is very hard, difficult, and it can be unbearable" -- and these are her words. Yet she decided not to leave. It was OK for her to live her life this way. Her decision. I have another friend who couldn't live a fraction of this way. Her husband drank a couple times a week and was an alcoholic. She decided to leave. She said she didn't want a part-time marriage, couldn't live with "most days" having a sober husband who still had a drinking problem, and she decided to leave. Which one was right? Both of them. Each was right for themselves...not the other.
Keep coming back.