Im trying to constantly look in at the hurts from my childhood of abandoment to understand why my husbands need to consistantly (for 20 plus years) of needing other women's attention, continue to feel so much hurt from this insesant need of his..
I do not believe he could stop even if he wanted to. He needs this outside female attention and I continue as well to be dependent on my need for his attention or lack thereof- not often knowing how to get this validation from god or a higher power. It feels like it creates a lot of pain inside of me of feeling rejected, unimportant, and very alone and afraid. He feels when we have discussed it in therapy that he would not be a man if he did not feel attracted to many women and enjoy their attention. He feels fully justified for the need/desire to seek this validation whether I am there or not.
not many would say he is unfaithful, it just lands for me as me feeling invisible, not cared for, and Not very important...
i would love any insight, words of wisdom in this codependent battle in being with someone who needs to find constant ways to fill the void- through drink, intense exercise, and the constant intrigue of a new woman in front of him- like another breast or nectar to get sustenance from... I get the need, but hurts to be the witness of this constant craving...and obsession- it is lonely to be with someone who can not be compassionate for the pain this can envoke, hence, I already feel he would trade me for a drink if at times he had to chose- unconscious or denial of this, for certain, but I think it true... : (
Thank you for your time & my apologies in advance if it takes me many moons to reply; I have a lot going on in my life at this time...
SerenityRUS said
May 25, 2017
Welcome back .. big hugs ..
He's going to do what he's going to do .. if you have told him what you need and how you feel, then my biggest suggestion is to take the focus off of him and work on yourself. You are not going to fill his God spot .. that empty hole that becomes an abyss in HIM .. you can however fill your own cup and accept this is who he is until he changes. I'll explain what I mean by that or you can set boundaries for yourself on what is and is not acceptable behavior.
If you are feeling insecure, jealous and so on that is a direct reflection of low self esteem. Now I may be projecting so let me rephrase .. lol .. when I feel those things then I have to do a self check .. what's going on with me. With my XAH I felt those things and as it turns out he was having affairs and seeking what I called his outside feel goods from other women, drinking as well as prescription drugs. He didn't want to deal with his stuff and that was his business.
It came down to what was I getting out of allowing the behavior in terms of I can't control him .. I sure can control me and where I choose to be how I choose to be treated and so on.
As I gained confidence, self esteem and so on, my obsession with what my sig other is or is not doing wanes. I'm with a man who works as a bouncer at a bar .. he actually doesn't drink however there are many attractive women, younger and older who get drunk and act out. He teases me he can't keep up with the one woman he has .. adding another would put him in the hospital :)
I can't follow him around making sure he's being faithful and is only with me .. I have to take that leap of faith and figure he's in it or he's not .. if he's not .. the door is to the left .. keep on keeping on. I am not interested and he's fully aware of that. He has not given me reason to believe that he's doing anything that I would consider morally/ethically wrong, he has a couple of female friends who I have met, one of his bosses at another job is a younger woman and again .. reality is .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. doing it in front of me is so not ok .. telling me we are exclusive and not following through is also a deal breaker for me. He also knows I'm not afraid to eat alone at my own emotional banquet. My X worked as a bouncer for a short time and OMGOSH I was a nightmare .. my X gave me plenty of reasons to know he wasn't being faithful and he wasn't trustworthy .. why in the world would marriage make him different. I was constantly playing detective .. and guess what .. I was right .. reality is this .. I caused my own pain even though he was not doing right .. I also had the face the consequences of making a decision to continue in the relationship knowing the full truth of the situation. My XAH was very cruel in his wording .. wonders why I am not so nice when we have dealings together .. LOL. DUH.
I guess my question to you is taking the focus off of your A .. what are YOU doing to address your feelings of inadequacy .. because he's showing you who he is and the only thing you will ever change in someone is their diapers if you are their nurse/mother or whatever .. you get my drift .. until I made clear what was and wasn't ok for me (I'm not talking about controlling him) I was a victim of the circumstances I set in motion through my own lack of self esteem.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
May 25, 2017
Hey there 1breathatatime - you've raised a tough, tough topic.....as with all things in recovery, I am powerless over other people, places and things. I always have to look at me and see what is it within me that causes me to act/react as I do or want what I can't have.
Trying many things over the years, the only solution that brought peace longer than a season was recovery. Putting myself first and seeking answers for just me, not 'us' or 'him' or 'her' or ................. began the process of dealing with me and what I could change. This all brought about healing which included the ability to separate me from them as well as me and them from the disease.
We all read or hear that this disease affects every aspect of a person - mind, body, brain and soul. I heard this over and over as well as read about it in countless sources. Yet, at some level in me, I struggled to accept it and really believe it. It's in recovery that I came to really understand this, accept it and realize how powerful it is and how powerless I am over it (and many other things).
You see your truth, which is great awareness. Your post and questions suggest to me that you're working on acceptance as well as action. Life pulls us in so many directions and we all are busy. For me, I had to schedule time for me to work on me. When I pondered this, I again realized how insane some of my thinking was. Others wiser than me in recovery used to suggest I reread my posts as if a great friend had written it....this was a powerful lesson in how I prioritized everyone and every thing above me!
I encourage you to find some time for you. Use your time putting you first. Attend some meetings, participate here, read literature, take a walk - whatever - just practice putting you first and telling yourself you matter and you deserve joy. We can not ever think our way to right action but we can act our way to better thinking.
You are not alone and there is hope/help in recovery! Keep coming back!
andromeda said
May 25, 2017
Serenity's last paragraph pretty much summed up what I was going to say.
I learned in program, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." And, then I had to start figuring out who I was. Who was I showing others? How did I want to live that was true to me?
Jill said
May 25, 2017
In line with putting the focus on myself, I found it helpful to set a time each day to make a gratitude list. My goal was to find 3 things I could be thankful for. Some days took longer than others to find 3.
To that, I later added a list of my own assets. It was easier to praise the outside of me (what other people saw), and for real peace I had to drill down to the core. What inside of me did I like?
I made a commitment to myself to do these. It was an investment in my peace, not time for indulging (at first).
As most exercise, benefits were gradual and completely worth the effort.
I'm not giving up my 2 list-making habits. They got me out of my rut of focusing on the why of someone else's behavior.
Face to face meetings are so beneficial. It is there I saw the truth of step one. We are as powerless over other people's behavior as we are over the weather. I keep returning to step one when I begin to spiral into the old rut. That old trench however uncomfortable was familiar. Ugh that's not good enough any more. This is better.
You deserve better.
shrnp said
May 25, 2017
1breathatatime,
There are men like this and it really does not matter what you do to stop it, they will continue to be like that. It is not any reflection of who you are at all. Some people will say that you had a problem with self-esteem or some other self destructive behavior to begin with. That is possible, but being in a relationship with a man like this can really change someone's self worth. The question is what do you want to do now? There is really not a way to learn to live with the flirting, making it acceptable. Is the flirting a part of the alcoholism, or does he do this when he is not drinking too? You can learn to live with the alcoholism. Some people chose to detach and find ways to fill their lives with other things. Alanon can give you the support and fellowship of other people. One reason I broke up with my A boyfriend was because of his constant need for female attention. He is sober now, but seems to continue to troll the Internet the way he use to. They just always need that attention. It does hurt because even when you try to be a certain way for them they are still not happy. I hope you find a meeting and some encouragement that you can change your life.
Mattie said
May 25, 2017
What I've discovered is that when I'm in a relationship with someone who has compulsive behavior, and I stay in it (as I often have, till the pain got too bad), looking at his behavior has been a good way of getting an outside perspective on my own behavior. For instance, he keeps drinking, despite the fact that it isn't healthy for him. And I keep staying with him, even thought it isn't healthy for me. (Substitute whatever behavior is problematic: for instance, he flirts outrageously, even though he's not actually arriving at happiness that way; and you unfortunately are with a man who's a compulsive flirter, even though you're unfortunately not arriving at happiness that way.) When I used to think, "Why the heck doesn't he just stop that unhelpful behavior?" I had to ask myself that question too. Eventually I did stop it. He did not. So I definitely came out ahead on that one.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
1breathatatime said
Jun 4, 2017
Wow- I am so appreciate of all your reply posts; I need the support right now. Thank you!!!
All your thoughtful replies are helpful in different ways.
I have had some family (mother & children demands) that have been very consuming the past few weeks- Medical and circumstantial), yet I hope to at some point reply in depth to your aware replies, when I have time & a computer in front of me.
Thank you again for your insights, support, and time....they help and touch me deeply...
hotrod said
Jun 4, 2017
I found that connecting in meetings with a supportive network of people, who truly understood and writing daily asset and gratitude lists, helped to rebuild my tattered self esteem and self worth . Once this was achieved I was then able to look at life and my part differently and make healthy decision for myself
Keep coming back
Bo said
Jun 4, 2017
1breathatatime wrote:
Im trying to constantly look in at the hurts from my childhood of abandoment to understand why my husbands need to consistantly (for 20 plus years) of needing other women's attention, continue to feel so much hurt from this insesant need of his..
I do not believe he could stop even if he wanted to. He needs this outside female attention and I continue as well to be dependent on my need for his attention or lack thereof- not often knowing how to get this validation from god or a higher power. It feels like it creates a lot of pain inside of me of feeling rejected, unimportant, and very alone and afraid. He feels when we have discussed it in therapy that he would not be a man if he did not feel attracted to many women and enjoy their attention. He feels fully justified for the need/desire to seek this validation whether I am there or not.
not many would say he is unfaithful, it just lands for me as me feeling invisible, not cared for, and Not very important...
i would love any insight, words of wisdom in this codependent battle in being with someone who needs to find constant ways to fill the void- through drink, intense exercise, and the constant intrigue of a new woman in front of him- like another breast or nectar to get sustenance from... I get the need, but hurts to be the witness of this constant craving...and obsession- it is lonely to be with someone who can not be compassionate for the pain this can envoke, hence, I already feel he would trade me for a drink if at times he had to chose- unconscious or denial of this, for certain, but I think it true... : (
Thank you for your time & my apologies in advance if it takes me many moons to reply; I have a lot going on in my life at this time...
Why constantly try and look? I understand the "reasoning" that if we understand why it makes it easier to stop. I get that and all the other reasons. But what about you? I feel your pain -- why not run to the solution rather than understand the why/why of the problem? Just my perspective. This is not healthy, normal -- it is unacceptable -- whether his addiction is a sickness or not. Why should you have to live your life this way?
Focus on YOU. Not him. If you begin to do the work on YOU...then YOU will get better. All the best.
Bo said
Jun 4, 2017
shrnp wrote:
1breathatatime,
There are men like this and it really does not matter what you do to stop it, they will continue to be like that. It is not any reflection of who you are at all. Some people will say that you had a problem with self-esteem or some other self destructive behavior to begin with. That is possible, but being in a relationship with a man like this can really change someone's self worth. The question is what do you want to do now?There is really not a way to learn to live with the flirting, making it acceptable. Is the flirting a part of the alcoholism, or does he do this when he is not drinking too? You can learn to live with the alcoholism. Some people chose to detach and find ways to fill their lives with other things. Alanon can give you the support and fellowship of other people. One reason I broke up with my A boyfriend was because of his constant need for female attention. He is sober now, but seems to continue to troll the Internet the way he use to. They just always need that attention. It does hurt because even when you try to be a certain way for them they are still not happy. I hope you find a meeting and some encouragement that you can change your life.
I agree -- and thank you for posting this. A person shouldn't "have" to live with anything. I never believed that living was making the unacceptable acceptable or making the intolerable tolerable. That's not living -- not if you are unhappy.
Thank you again.
WestMan said
Jun 5, 2017
I've not had to deal with this behavior but I can imagine that it would be quite hurtful and annoying. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Im trying to constantly look in at the hurts from my childhood of abandoment to understand why my husbands need to consistantly (for 20 plus years) of needing other women's attention, continue to feel so much hurt from this insesant need of his..
I do not believe he could stop even if he wanted to. He needs this outside female attention and I continue as well to be dependent on my need for his attention or lack thereof- not often knowing how to get this validation from god or a higher power. It feels like it creates a lot of pain inside of me of feeling rejected, unimportant, and very alone and afraid. He feels when we have discussed it in therapy that he would not be a man if he did not feel attracted to many women and enjoy their attention. He feels fully justified for the need/desire to seek this validation whether I am there or not.
not many would say he is unfaithful, it just lands for me as me feeling invisible, not cared for, and Not very important...
i would love any insight, words of wisdom in this codependent battle in being with someone who needs to find constant ways to fill the void- through drink, intense exercise, and the constant intrigue of a new woman in front of him- like another breast or nectar to get sustenance from... I get the need, but hurts to be the witness of this constant craving...and obsession- it is lonely to be with someone who can not be compassionate for the pain this can envoke, hence, I already feel he would trade me for a drink if at times he had to chose- unconscious or denial of this, for certain, but I think it true... : (
Thank you for your time & my apologies in advance if it takes me many moons to reply; I have a lot going on in my life at this time...
He's going to do what he's going to do .. if you have told him what you need and how you feel, then my biggest suggestion is to take the focus off of him and work on yourself. You are not going to fill his God spot .. that empty hole that becomes an abyss in HIM .. you can however fill your own cup and accept this is who he is until he changes. I'll explain what I mean by that or you can set boundaries for yourself on what is and is not acceptable behavior.
If you are feeling insecure, jealous and so on that is a direct reflection of low self esteem. Now I may be projecting so let me rephrase .. lol .. when I feel those things then I have to do a self check .. what's going on with me. With my XAH I felt those things and as it turns out he was having affairs and seeking what I called his outside feel goods from other women, drinking as well as prescription drugs. He didn't want to deal with his stuff and that was his business.
It came down to what was I getting out of allowing the behavior in terms of I can't control him .. I sure can control me and where I choose to be how I choose to be treated and so on.
As I gained confidence, self esteem and so on, my obsession with what my sig other is or is not doing wanes. I'm with a man who works as a bouncer at a bar .. he actually doesn't drink however there are many attractive women, younger and older who get drunk and act out. He teases me he can't keep up with the one woman he has .. adding another would put him in the hospital :)
I can't follow him around making sure he's being faithful and is only with me .. I have to take that leap of faith and figure he's in it or he's not .. if he's not .. the door is to the left .. keep on keeping on. I am not interested and he's fully aware of that. He has not given me reason to believe that he's doing anything that I would consider morally/ethically wrong, he has a couple of female friends who I have met, one of his bosses at another job is a younger woman and again .. reality is .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. doing it in front of me is so not ok .. telling me we are exclusive and not following through is also a deal breaker for me. He also knows I'm not afraid to eat alone at my own emotional banquet. My X worked as a bouncer for a short time and OMGOSH I was a nightmare .. my X gave me plenty of reasons to know he wasn't being faithful and he wasn't trustworthy .. why in the world would marriage make him different. I was constantly playing detective .. and guess what .. I was right .. reality is this .. I caused my own pain even though he was not doing right .. I also had the face the consequences of making a decision to continue in the relationship knowing the full truth of the situation. My XAH was very cruel in his wording .. wonders why I am not so nice when we have dealings together .. LOL. DUH.
I guess my question to you is taking the focus off of your A .. what are YOU doing to address your feelings of inadequacy .. because he's showing you who he is and the only thing you will ever change in someone is their diapers if you are their nurse/mother or whatever .. you get my drift .. until I made clear what was and wasn't ok for me (I'm not talking about controlling him) I was a victim of the circumstances I set in motion through my own lack of self esteem.
Hugs S :)
Trying many things over the years, the only solution that brought peace longer than a season was recovery. Putting myself first and seeking answers for just me, not 'us' or 'him' or 'her' or ................. began the process of dealing with me and what I could change. This all brought about healing which included the ability to separate me from them as well as me and them from the disease.
We all read or hear that this disease affects every aspect of a person - mind, body, brain and soul. I heard this over and over as well as read about it in countless sources. Yet, at some level in me, I struggled to accept it and really believe it. It's in recovery that I came to really understand this, accept it and realize how powerful it is and how powerless I am over it (and many other things).
You see your truth, which is great awareness. Your post and questions suggest to me that you're working on acceptance as well as action. Life pulls us in so many directions and we all are busy. For me, I had to schedule time for me to work on me. When I pondered this, I again realized how insane some of my thinking was. Others wiser than me in recovery used to suggest I reread my posts as if a great friend had written it....this was a powerful lesson in how I prioritized everyone and every thing above me!
I encourage you to find some time for you. Use your time putting you first. Attend some meetings, participate here, read literature, take a walk - whatever - just practice putting you first and telling yourself you matter and you deserve joy. We can not ever think our way to right action but we can act our way to better thinking.
You are not alone and there is hope/help in recovery! Keep coming back!
I learned in program, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." And, then I had to start figuring out who I was. Who was I showing others? How did I want to live that was true to me?
To that, I later added a list of my own assets. It was easier to praise the outside of me (what other people saw), and for real peace I had to drill down to the core. What inside of me did I like?
I made a commitment to myself to do these. It was an investment in my peace, not time for indulging (at first).
As most exercise, benefits were gradual and completely worth the effort.
I'm not giving up my 2 list-making habits. They got me out of my rut of focusing on the why of someone else's behavior.
Face to face meetings are so beneficial. It is there I saw the truth of step one. We are as powerless over other people's behavior as we are over the weather. I keep returning to step one when I begin to spiral into the old rut. That old trench however uncomfortable was familiar. Ugh that's not good enough any more. This is better.
You deserve better.
There are men like this and it really does not matter what you do to stop it, they will continue to be like that. It is not any reflection of who you are at all. Some people will say that you had a problem with self-esteem or some other self destructive behavior to begin with. That is possible, but being in a relationship with a man like this can really change someone's self worth. The question is what do you want to do now? There is really not a way to learn to live with the flirting, making it acceptable. Is the flirting a part of the alcoholism, or does he do this when he is not drinking too? You can learn to live with the alcoholism. Some people chose to detach and find ways to fill their lives with other things. Alanon can give you the support and fellowship of other people. One reason I broke up with my A boyfriend was because of his constant need for female attention. He is sober now, but seems to continue to troll the Internet the way he use to. They just always need that attention. It does hurt because even when you try to be a certain way for them they are still not happy. I hope you find a meeting and some encouragement that you can change your life.
What I've discovered is that when I'm in a relationship with someone who has compulsive behavior, and I stay in it (as I often have, till the pain got too bad), looking at his behavior has been a good way of getting an outside perspective on my own behavior. For instance, he keeps drinking, despite the fact that it isn't healthy for him. And I keep staying with him, even thought it isn't healthy for me. (Substitute whatever behavior is problematic: for instance, he flirts outrageously, even though he's not actually arriving at happiness that way; and you unfortunately are with a man who's a compulsive flirter, even though you're unfortunately not arriving at happiness that way.) When I used to think, "Why the heck doesn't he just stop that unhelpful behavior?" I had to ask myself that question too. Eventually I did stop it. He did not. So I definitely came out ahead on that one.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Keep coming back
Why constantly try and look? I understand the "reasoning" that if we understand why it makes it easier to stop. I get that and all the other reasons. But what about you? I feel your pain -- why not run to the solution rather than understand the why/why of the problem? Just my perspective. This is not healthy, normal -- it is unacceptable -- whether his addiction is a sickness or not. Why should you have to live your life this way?
Focus on YOU. Not him. If you begin to do the work on YOU...then YOU will get better. All the best.
I agree -- and thank you for posting this. A person shouldn't "have" to live with anything. I never believed that living was making the unacceptable acceptable or making the intolerable tolerable. That's not living -- not if you are unhappy.
Thank you again.