About 6 months ago, I posted about the loss of friends who were drinking acquaintances.
It was a murder suicide.
It still plays on my mind, sometimes pops up in dreams, as I think about life as a soul journey we undertake with others.
On the surface, the event was written off as domestic violence. But it was more than that.
Alcoholism and addiction to drugs and relationships were key factors too. Not knowing what one doesn't know or not wanting to. Distorted minds as a result of substance use and of seeking comfort in all the wrong places.
And I think its a place every eligible person for either of these programmes can slip to.
Its pretty sobering. Not just us and the alcoholics mind, but I can see really clearly the distortion of alcoholism and its potentially deadly.
They were both good people underneath it. Things just progressed and unfolded and were never arrested: it's between they and HP now. Sad for the ones left though.
For myself, I've played with fire like a child with a toy, both sides of the fence. As I get deeper into programme, I'm questioning my relationship to power, as I start reclaiming my own. I've always been attracted to possessive partners, and not in a media portrayed, cowering in the corner kind of way either. No, its like a challenge. Its fun until it isn't anymore. Really, I think its about being fearful of asserting my own. So I'm adding that to my check motivations list. I wanted to share it.
lookingup said
May 25, 2017
Thank you a41 for this lovely ,inspiring share,
And your wisdom of this great and wonderful work to better ourselves each and everyday,
I can so relate to this,
I to have always been attracted to possessive partners in all my relationships,it is fun ,only temporary fun ,then the drama ,crises begins in my situations and experiences with being attracted to that type ,all challenges.
Hard for me to get out of in the end,cause it never lasted,
Today I've decided to go solo,for that reason plus more,
I'm learning lots about myself,so staying single is becoming easier all the time,
I sure wouldn't want to bring any of my controlling ways or be controlled in any way into another relationship,
I can also write that down on my motivations list...............sending out hugs to you ,,,lu,,,,,this is an eye opener ,thanks again for sharing.
el-cee said
May 25, 2017
Its an amazing self searching journey we are on and the goal is freedom. I think its so important for us to observe ourselves and whats really going on inside us. My distorted thinking meant I was very black and white, good and bad, right or wrong and this meant the world was a very frustrating place for me and I battled with everything taking everything personally having this powerful desire to be right because if I can be right then I dont have to take any responsibility for my mistakes. I was very self righteous and can go there over and over. I am blessed to have this program that gives me a structured way to address this one day at a time.
No its all shades of grey and its humbling because we are all human, we all have more similarities than differences, drinkers, non drinkers, those in recovery and those not. Its a sad disease and it still terrifies me at times and its this that gels me to Alanon, to this spiritual road, its the only solution, its the medicine. I was constantly seeking out the short term relief to life food, people, excitement, alcohol, studying anything to distract or relieve me of the pain inside and the pain was my own distorted way of looking at the world. Thanks for sharing your journey, it helps me.
Iamhere said
May 25, 2017
(((a4l))) - love your processing on the tragic loss of others most likely caused by this disease. I remember when I first arrived at AA and those wiser than me kept suggesting that there are 4 endings for an alcoholic - recovery, mental institution, jail or dead - I thought it was a bit melodramatic. As time has passed, it's so, so true. I was taught early on that the moment of silence is to pray for those in recovery and those still suffering from this disease. I can do that today with meaning, and while I don't understand the loss, I can better accept the insanity which may have contributed.
I too was a very black/white, right/wrong, good/bad processor. I had no shades of gray in my process and unrealistic expectations combined with faulty thinking. It was so very exhausting and so very unhealthy. I agree - everything has shades of gray....while recovery gave me back my truth, my values and my reality, I can't ever assume, pretend or expect it to align with another....we each have our own journey and when I can live with this fact, my life/days/mind have much more peace.
I am so grateful that today, I can see myself and all others as peers.....I always felt less than, which equated to putting others on a pedestal or in a ditch. I had no parity in my processing, which was damaging to me and all those around me. I was always comparing and competing, and had to be taught that we are not in a competition!
Grateful to have my eyes open today and to realize I am but a small piece of the pie. I can try to understand instead of be understood and try to bring joy instead of judgment, consternation and chaos. I try to take the high road in my interactions with others, and am 100% at peace with that. I choose today to be happy instead of to be right!
(((Hugs))) to all - enjoy the journey, just for today!
SerenityRUS said
May 25, 2017
Hugs so sorry for your loss ... love your program attitude :)
And your wisdom of this great and wonderful work to better ourselves each and everyday,
I can so relate to this,
I to have always been attracted to possessive partners in all my relationships,it is fun ,only temporary fun ,then the drama ,crises begins in my situations and experiences with being attracted to that type ,all challenges.
Hard for me to get out of in the end,cause it never lasted,
Today I've decided to go solo,for that reason plus more,
I'm learning lots about myself,so staying single is becoming easier all the time,
I sure wouldn't want to bring any of my controlling ways or be controlled in any way into another relationship,
I can also write that down on my motivations list...............sending out hugs to you ,,,lu,,,,,this is an eye opener ,thanks again for sharing.
Its an amazing self searching journey we are on and the goal is freedom. I think its so important for us to observe ourselves and whats really going on inside us. My distorted thinking meant I was very black and white, good and bad, right or wrong and this meant the world was a very frustrating place for me and I battled with everything taking everything personally having this powerful desire to be right because if I can be right then I dont have to take any responsibility for my mistakes. I was very self righteous and can go there over and over. I am blessed to have this program that gives me a structured way to address this one day at a time.
No its all shades of grey and its humbling because we are all human, we all have more similarities than differences, drinkers, non drinkers, those in recovery and those not. Its a sad disease and it still terrifies me at times and its this that gels me to Alanon, to this spiritual road, its the only solution, its the medicine. I was constantly seeking out the short term relief to life food, people, excitement, alcohol, studying anything to distract or relieve me of the pain inside and the pain was my own distorted way of looking at the world. Thanks for sharing your journey, it helps me.
I too was a very black/white, right/wrong, good/bad processor. I had no shades of gray in my process and unrealistic expectations combined with faulty thinking. It was so very exhausting and so very unhealthy. I agree - everything has shades of gray....while recovery gave me back my truth, my values and my reality, I can't ever assume, pretend or expect it to align with another....we each have our own journey and when I can live with this fact, my life/days/mind have much more peace.
I am so grateful that today, I can see myself and all others as peers.....I always felt less than, which equated to putting others on a pedestal or in a ditch. I had no parity in my processing, which was damaging to me and all those around me. I was always comparing and competing, and had to be taught that we are not in a competition!
Grateful to have my eyes open today and to realize I am but a small piece of the pie. I can try to understand instead of be understood and try to bring joy instead of judgment, consternation and chaos. I try to take the high road in my interactions with others, and am 100% at peace with that. I choose today to be happy instead of to be right!
(((Hugs))) to all - enjoy the journey, just for today!