So interesting is I have found myself shifting my focus on my A, instead of myself. It's tricky like that, I think I am focused on me, but am I?
Everywhere I turned today "humility" popped up. So today I am focusing on how that applies to me, right now in this moment.
I went to my normal F2F Wednesday morning meeting today, and one of the members was set to speak. He always had such sound shares during meetings and I was excited to hear him talk. His topic: humility. He started by saying that he didn't pull any readings, didn't write anything down and that it might come out a muddled mess. But it was something he was struggling with (in Alanon 6 years, double winner) and wanted to verbalize his thoughts and then open the floor for share ESH.
I have to admit, I thought hmmm Humility, that is a tough word. I know I struggle with that, not sure how but I am guessing this word is an issue for me. haha So as he started to share (he liked humble better than humility) these are the thoughts that stood out and I connected with:
To be humble- is doing God's will, not my will. So there is this thought that if I am caring for someone, it is to care for them... but the bottom line is my caring for someone isn't about their comfort but it's for mine. WOW. Letting that sink in. I think that goes hand in hand with seeking love of myself from everyone but me. To put that pressure on my A, my children, my friends and family instead of loving myself without anyone "giving" me that feeling. This will take a lot of work. A lifetime has brought me to this spot.
In the same vein, I don't feel comfortable saying "I need ____________ ". I already am learning this about myself. Had a small surgical procedure recently and help was offered, oh my that makes me so uncomfortable, but I said yes. That is new for me, it is uncharted territory. Bc if I "need" help then I am "less than" I am "incapable" I am "not strong" I am "weak".
So that leads me to two very very uncomfortable words for the day: criticism and incompetence. Ouch.
If someone criticizes me, good or bad, small or big... I BLOW IT UP. It's a huge deal, how dare someone criticize me? I am perfect. I want everyone to think I am perfect. This is with my A, this is with my job, it's every where. So if someone criticizes me then it must mean I am incompetent. So what do I do? Manipulating/Protecting myself from feeling this way. Utter lack of humility. If I lack humility then I am defensive. I must work on this. I am constantly defending, always. Whether I am right or wrong I am always RIGHT. I will lie, (yikes) justify, shift the blame, find a way to make it right before someone notices, you name it. Ouch. Hard pill to swallow. I have a lot of work to do...
Someone read the Humility Prayer and it really touched and spoke to everything today:
Perpetual quietness of heart
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed
irritable, or sore;
to wonder at nothing
that is done against me.
It is to be at rest
when no one praises me,
and when I am blamed or despised,
it is to have a blessed home in myself
where I can go and shut the door
and kneel to my Father in secret
and be at peace,
as in a deep sea of calmness
when all around and about
is seeming trouble.
Thanks for letting me share...
shrnp said
May 24, 2017
Pumkin,
I am glad you shared this, humility is key to recovery. It was in AA anyhow, when your at the bottom and you have no way but up. That up meant admitting your faults and doing a lot of self discovery. It is not easy to really examine ourselves. The 12 steps are meant for that. Step 4 is to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. " Thanks for the share.
SerenityRUS said
May 24, 2017
Great awareness .. There is a huge difference in humility and humiliation. Big hugs!
Iamhere said
May 24, 2017
Great share pumkin!! I can so relate to what you write about ---- I too struggled with feedback (I prefer to call critiquing this). Even when a boss would say, You are doing an excellent job yet we would love to see you improve ....... - I heard, You are not doing a good job - you really have to get it together or else!
I believe humility is the key to both programs. I heard early on that to be humble means to be teachable and open. Overtime, more was added to the definition and includes unconditional love and acceptance of self and all that is around me. If I am to be teachable, I have to be open to lessons from all folks - even those I can't understand or who differ from me greatly.
I did not like the concept or the word at first. I confused being humble with the word humiliating. I've changed that around in my mind - being humble is awesome and necessary for a spiritual journey. Being humiliated is a choice. Others may try, but I have to power to pick up what they're saying/doing or not.
There are some really good readings in the daily readers on Humility. It's a great topic at meetings too! (((Hugs)))
pumkin26 said
May 28, 2017
Thanks everyone. I am definitely discovering a lot about myself. Nice to take the focus off of him and place it on me. With an active A it is a struggle to keep my focus on me... I do feel better when I do tho. I was thankful for my meeting. I know it gets said a lot, but to hear the message you NEED to hear is so amazing.
So interesting is I have found myself shifting my focus on my A, instead of myself. It's tricky like that, I think I am focused on me, but am I?
Everywhere I turned today "humility" popped up. So today I am focusing on how that applies to me, right now in this moment.
I went to my normal F2F Wednesday morning meeting today, and one of the members was set to speak. He always had such sound shares during meetings and I was excited to hear him talk. His topic: humility. He started by saying that he didn't pull any readings, didn't write anything down and that it might come out a muddled mess. But it was something he was struggling with (in Alanon 6 years, double winner) and wanted to verbalize his thoughts and then open the floor for share ESH.
I have to admit, I thought hmmm Humility, that is a tough word. I know I struggle with that, not sure how but I am guessing this word is an issue for me. haha So as he started to share (he liked humble better than humility) these are the thoughts that stood out and I connected with:
To be humble- is doing God's will, not my will. So there is this thought that if I am caring for someone, it is to care for them... but the bottom line is my caring for someone isn't about their comfort but it's for mine. WOW. Letting that sink in. I think that goes hand in hand with seeking love of myself from everyone but me. To put that pressure on my A, my children, my friends and family instead of loving myself without anyone "giving" me that feeling. This will take a lot of work. A lifetime has brought me to this spot.
In the same vein, I don't feel comfortable saying "I need ____________ ". I already am learning this about myself. Had a small surgical procedure recently and help was offered, oh my that makes me so uncomfortable, but I said yes. That is new for me, it is uncharted territory. Bc if I "need" help then I am "less than" I am "incapable" I am "not strong" I am "weak".
So that leads me to two very very uncomfortable words for the day: criticism and incompetence. Ouch.
If someone criticizes me, good or bad, small or big... I BLOW IT UP. It's a huge deal, how dare someone criticize me? I am perfect. I want everyone to think I am perfect. This is with my A, this is with my job, it's every where. So if someone criticizes me then it must mean I am incompetent. So what do I do? Manipulating/Protecting myself from feeling this way. Utter lack of humility. If I lack humility then I am defensive. I must work on this. I am constantly defending, always. Whether I am right or wrong I am always RIGHT. I will lie, (yikes) justify, shift the blame, find a way to make it right before someone notices, you name it. Ouch. Hard pill to swallow. I have a lot of work to do...
Someone read the Humility Prayer and it really touched and spoke to everything today:
Perpetual quietness of heart
It is to have no trouble.
It is never to be fretted or vexed
irritable, or sore;
to wonder at nothing
that is done against me.
It is to be at rest
when no one praises me,
and when I am blamed or despised,
it is to have a blessed home in myself
where I can go and shut the door
and kneel to my Father in secret
and be at peace,
as in a deep sea of calmness
when all around and about
is seeming trouble.
Thanks for letting me share...
I am glad you shared this, humility is key to recovery. It was in AA anyhow, when your at the bottom and you have no way but up. That up meant admitting your faults and doing a lot of self discovery. It is not easy to really examine ourselves. The 12 steps are meant for that. Step 4 is to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. " Thanks for the share.
I believe humility is the key to both programs. I heard early on that to be humble means to be teachable and open. Overtime, more was added to the definition and includes unconditional love and acceptance of self and all that is around me. If I am to be teachable, I have to be open to lessons from all folks - even those I can't understand or who differ from me greatly.
I did not like the concept or the word at first. I confused being humble with the word humiliating. I've changed that around in my mind - being humble is awesome and necessary for a spiritual journey. Being humiliated is a choice. Others may try, but I have to power to pick up what they're saying/doing or not.
There are some really good readings in the daily readers on Humility. It's a great topic at meetings too! (((Hugs)))