Something my daughter and I have been working on and it's bleeding over into other parts of my relationships is that issue of being able to identify "what I need and what I can give .. who do I go to knowing those needs will or won't be met".
I'm learning how to just listen and wait for someone to ask a direct question .. my daughter is learning to state what she needs instead of the frustration of expecting me to read her mind. So some of our dialog might go along this lines ..
Her: Mom, I just need you to listen to me without offering input. Is that something you can do for me?
Me: Ok. What's up?
Her: Verbal stuff .. yada yada yada.
Me: (learning to shut my mouth .. LOL)
Her: I think I just need a hug after all that.
Me: (Give hug .. LOL .. mouth still shut .. )
This has opened a whole new dialog of communication for us which is awesome. It makes a HUGE difference AND it takes some responsibility off of both of us .. in terms of why I constantly feel like I speaking Chinese as my first language and I am not fluent in Chinese. I'm happy to be fluent and articulate in English 75% of the time .. LOL.
It has made me wonder on whole other levels how I have asked for my needs to be met .. have I expected others to meet them when I have not been clear with what I wanted or needed because I honestly don't know .. I know I have expected others to read my mind and fulfill these wants/needs and then been angry that they have not.
Did I clearly state to my XAH what I needed from him and give him the opportunity to respond? Sometimes yes and he just couldn't however other times I wonder how unfair I had been to him by expecting that he should know when he did not have the skills to do so. Yes, alcoholism/addiction def makes it a situation where it is harder to communicate effectively. However .. how many times was I really clear about those needs. Did I ask directly or did I ask indirectly. I wonder how many times I actually set him up to fail knowing he couldn't meet those needs. NOW .. let me be VERY clear .. LOL .. I am NOT saying he's off the hook I am only referring to my behavior within the confines of the relationship.
I have noticed this in my own co-dependency issue of beating around the bush to walk a straight line. Or maybe my version of a straight line happens to have hills in it as well as zig zags .. LOL. I have also noticed this in dealing with my XMIL and my current XAH's wife .. that has been entertainment to say the least.
My XMIL reached out to me last night over something extremely trivial and instead of being direct took that passive aggressive deal that was just odd to me. It absolutely irritated me to no end .. if I have an emotional need then I get it .. however this was a direct question that could have been asked and would have irritated me less. I have similar dealings with my X's current wife, where instead of taking a direct approach it's this weird dance which actually winds up ticking me off .. LOL. It's like ok .. WTH is wrong with you that you can't just say what you mean. Then I remember .. LOL .. ohhhh .. yup .. get it. Hard to ask for something when you don't know what it is you actually want or need. It's easier to wait to see if someone will guess what it is .. and I am learning not to do that work for the other person.
This is bleeding into my current relationship which is kind of awesome and I meant the healthy communication .. I find that it's easier to take an emotional risk .. it's easier to let my guard down because I know I can ask for what I need and I am trying to return the favor. It has opened a different level of communication for us.
Anyway .. it has been an interesting week and I can only hope that things workout the way they are suppose to.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
May 24, 2017
Good on you and your daughter for working on communication - wants/needs. I love W-A-I-T - wait a/k/a - WHY AM I TALKING? This was a slogan I learned in recovery that helps me be a better listener. I did not listen well/good before recovery. As part of my BR (Before Recovery) journey, I felt it was my job to ensure others were happy, fed, clean, etc. I 'over-mothered' well beyond normal and was reasonably controlling - with good intentions.
Yet - controlling is controlling and the intentions or motives do not matter.....I learned this in recovery too. We often 'know all the ways our A manipulated when we arrive' yet struggle to see how we were equal in this and many actions.
I am a super simple, direct soul. I feel all I need is the basics - food, water, shelter. All the rest are wants - friends, lover, partner, money. When my needs are met and I focus on being of service to others, I get all that I want - it always work out how it's supposed to in spite of me and what I believe it should be.
My sponsor has been really helpful for me in my relationships and my communication. Good job teaching your daughter how to say what she needs too!!!
SerenityRUS said
May 24, 2017
It's the emotional stuff that is the hardest for me to identify .. I know I joke about having one emotion .. however seriously .. that's a true story .. LOL.
The funniest conversation yesterday we have been able to spend one day a week because her therapy is at my work so therefore she comes in with me and I drive her back to school .. sucks on a good day for me in terms of paid time .. I love those conversations with her .. those are the conversations that we really connect.
This has helped me a great deal in not speaking emotional Chinese .. again great if you have two people speaking the same language .. lol .. not when one is and one isn't .. LOL.
After all of the therapy and my daughter is far wiser than I was at her age .. more aware of her anxiety than I was .. LOL .. oi .. I thought I had a high emotional IQ .. and yes I did in terms of other people I would anticipate their needs and be angry when it wasn't returned .. LOL. She is using her therapy the way an aware person does .. I have only just started learning how to do that .. LOL.
My basic needs are simple .. my emotional needs those are more complex.
Anyways, .. all good .. just crazy stuff at times.
LinSC said
May 24, 2017
Good Post.
I did not know how to ask for what I wanted when I was married, and I didnt know myself, so I really didnt know what to ask for. This was the main reason I divorced, I did not know how or what I needed. My whole life would have been very different. I'm not dead yet, but I don't have a lot of time to figure out who I am and what I want and how to ask for it.
Someone famous said "Know Thyself". As far as I am concerned that is the #1 rule in life.
Something my daughter and I have been working on and it's bleeding over into other parts of my relationships is that issue of being able to identify "what I need and what I can give .. who do I go to knowing those needs will or won't be met".
I'm learning how to just listen and wait for someone to ask a direct question .. my daughter is learning to state what she needs instead of the frustration of expecting me to read her mind. So some of our dialog might go along this lines ..
Her: Mom, I just need you to listen to me without offering input. Is that something you can do for me?
Me: Ok. What's up?
Her: Verbal stuff .. yada yada yada.
Me: (learning to shut my mouth .. LOL)
Her: I think I just need a hug after all that.
Me: (Give hug .. LOL .. mouth still shut .. )
This has opened a whole new dialog of communication for us which is awesome. It makes a HUGE difference AND it takes some responsibility off of both of us .. in terms of why I constantly feel like I speaking Chinese as my first language and I am not fluent in Chinese. I'm happy to be fluent and articulate in English 75% of the time .. LOL.
It has made me wonder on whole other levels how I have asked for my needs to be met .. have I expected others to meet them when I have not been clear with what I wanted or needed because I honestly don't know .. I know I have expected others to read my mind and fulfill these wants/needs and then been angry that they have not.
Did I clearly state to my XAH what I needed from him and give him the opportunity to respond? Sometimes yes and he just couldn't however other times I wonder how unfair I had been to him by expecting that he should know when he did not have the skills to do so. Yes, alcoholism/addiction def makes it a situation where it is harder to communicate effectively. However .. how many times was I really clear about those needs. Did I ask directly or did I ask indirectly. I wonder how many times I actually set him up to fail knowing he couldn't meet those needs. NOW .. let me be VERY clear .. LOL .. I am NOT saying he's off the hook I am only referring to my behavior within the confines of the relationship.
I have noticed this in my own co-dependency issue of beating around the bush to walk a straight line. Or maybe my version of a straight line happens to have hills in it as well as zig zags .. LOL. I have also noticed this in dealing with my XMIL and my current XAH's wife .. that has been entertainment to say the least.
My XMIL reached out to me last night over something extremely trivial and instead of being direct took that passive aggressive deal that was just odd to me. It absolutely irritated me to no end .. if I have an emotional need then I get it .. however this was a direct question that could have been asked and would have irritated me less. I have similar dealings with my X's current wife, where instead of taking a direct approach it's this weird dance which actually winds up ticking me off .. LOL. It's like ok .. WTH is wrong with you that you can't just say what you mean. Then I remember .. LOL .. ohhhh .. yup .. get it. Hard to ask for something when you don't know what it is you actually want or need. It's easier to wait to see if someone will guess what it is .. and I am learning not to do that work for the other person.
This is bleeding into my current relationship which is kind of awesome and I meant the healthy communication .. I find that it's easier to take an emotional risk .. it's easier to let my guard down because I know I can ask for what I need and I am trying to return the favor. It has opened a different level of communication for us.
Anyway .. it has been an interesting week and I can only hope that things workout the way they are suppose to.
Hugs S :)
Yet - controlling is controlling and the intentions or motives do not matter.....I learned this in recovery too. We often 'know all the ways our A manipulated when we arrive' yet struggle to see how we were equal in this and many actions.
I am a super simple, direct soul. I feel all I need is the basics - food, water, shelter. All the rest are wants - friends, lover, partner, money. When my needs are met and I focus on being of service to others, I get all that I want - it always work out how it's supposed to in spite of me and what I believe it should be.
My sponsor has been really helpful for me in my relationships and my communication. Good job teaching your daughter how to say what she needs too!!!
The funniest conversation yesterday we have been able to spend one day a week because her therapy is at my work so therefore she comes in with me and I drive her back to school .. sucks on a good day for me in terms of paid time .. I love those conversations with her .. those are the conversations that we really connect.
This has helped me a great deal in not speaking emotional Chinese .. again great if you have two people speaking the same language .. lol .. not when one is and one isn't .. LOL.
After all of the therapy and my daughter is far wiser than I was at her age .. more aware of her anxiety than I was .. LOL .. oi .. I thought I had a high emotional IQ .. and yes I did in terms of other people I would anticipate their needs and be angry when it wasn't returned .. LOL. She is using her therapy the way an aware person does .. I have only just started learning how to do that .. LOL.
My basic needs are simple .. my emotional needs those are more complex.
Anyways, .. all good .. just crazy stuff at times.
Good Post.
I did not know how to ask for what I wanted when I was married, and I didnt know myself, so I really didnt know what to ask for. This was the main reason I divorced, I did not know how or what I needed. My whole life would have been very different. I'm not dead yet, but I don't have a lot of time to figure out who I am and what I want and how to ask for it.
Someone famous said "Know Thyself". As far as I am concerned that is the #1 rule in life.