MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO METH..IN NEED OF ADVICE AND HELP
Emily-803 said
May 23, 2017
My husband and I have been married now for 9 months. Combined, we have 3 children, 2 of whom are from my previous relationship and live at home and one who his mother has custody over. When I met my husband, I knew he had a previous meth problem. He had been in recovery for quite sometime and I was confident that we could have a happy life together. But our life has been a nightmare. He no longer lives at home and is staying with his mother. He has stolen from me, hurt me, been verbally abusive and have caused scenes (cursing and yelling) around my children. This has all steamed from his drug use with meth.
My husband is an amazing man, and though all the things I previously mentioned, I know his heart. He has been using now for majority of our marriage, with one/two weeks being the longest he can stay sober. When he is sober, I feel like I have my husband back and he is the man that I fell in love with. But we have come to a breaking point to where I believe we may get a divorce. I cannot take the name calling and aggressive mood changes any longer. But this is my husband... One more than one occasion, he has cried in my arms asking me to help him stop using.. Telling me he does not want this and that this is a battle for him. I know he is fighting some major demons and I want to do all I can to help him before I sign divorce papers. It is breaking my heart that I am losing my husband to this terrible drug. I cannot trust my wallet, keys or purse around him. He hasnt been able to hold a job for over a year now and to be honest.. I dont think he will be okay with going to inpatient. So what are my options? What can I do? How do I support him and hold him accountable? I am willing to put all my finances and time to find something that may help.
I was thinking about counseling. But should we do marriage counseling or should he just do recovery counseling? I go to NA meetings with him but on days we are busy, he kind of throws the idea of going to one away on the excuse of being "too busy". I tell him I will handle everything and then he thinks I am power tripping. I just want the wonderful, incredible man of God that I love to come home. I want to fight for him.. But how do I make him fight for himself? Church, counseling, NA Meetings, Celebrate Recovery.. Any other ideas?
My husband has told me that the new life of being married, paying bills on time, pretty much being an adult has had him stressed. He has expressed to me that he has never been use to so much responsibility of being a step dad and doing things the right way. I have been the most structure he has had in forever. I dont want to give up on him. I just dont know what the best approach is. My children love him, I love him, he is a great step dad/person. The drug though changes him like any substance changes people. If anyone has any advice, I would truly appreciate it. Thanks all.
-- Edited by Emily-803 on Tuesday 23rd of May 2017 12:50:59 AM
Iamhere said
May 23, 2017
Welcome to MIP Emily - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction, as with alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured, only treated. It's baffling, powerful and very destructive as you can see. AA or NA is for the person who's addicted and Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is for family and friends who are affected by the disease.
We do not give advice in Al-Anon - instead we share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other to deal with the disease and diseased and to heal accordingly. You are welcome to attend meetings whether he is in recovery or not. Meetings will provide you local support and a safe place to share honestly without fear of judgment.
No human power can manage or cure addiction in anyone. The pull of the substance is greater than the personal will power to do the next right thing. For most of us, we work to find peace and joy in our lives and restore our sanity so we can manage decisions necessary and take care of ourselves and children.
My best suggestion is to attend some meetings, and read around here to get a feel for what we (friends and family) experience due to another's addiction/alcoholism. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
shrnp said
May 23, 2017
Welcome to MIP Emily,
I am sorry you are going through this, especially when children are involved. Alanon teaches people to concentrate on themselves and that can be hard to understand for some people because they want to helped their loved one. I admire that you are willing to go with your husband to NA meetings. He won't stop using until he is ready especially if people are enabling him. If you can find a Narconon meeting that would be helpful. Good luck!
WestMan said
May 23, 2017
I'm new at this but just wanted to welcome you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 24, 2017
This is an area I do have experience with. This is my ESH.
Once I found out my husband was using meth, I contacted his family and told them. Because this drug made him crazy - manic one moment, then almost comatose for 4 days (yes, he lost his job) I was scared for myself and my son. So I planned to leave while my father and his family had an intervention. It was the only way for him to go to rehab. Because his DOC was meth, the rehab facility wouldn't even consider anything under 90 days. One of the things I was told was to start going to their NA meetings for families and I was forbidden to contact him for 30 days! They would not allow him to call me, or for me to call him. They said it was because the spouse is "usually the biggest enabler." That was very eye-opening for me, as I thought I was the "perfect" wife. But in NA I learned that I had my part in this circus. But it was also important to know that I didn't Cause it, I couldn't Control it, and I could't Cure it (The three C's).
Only you can know if you can live with his meth use. But believe me, you cannot control it. Sadly, no amount of love will keep him from using this drug. It is everything to them.
I am sorry that your family is living this nightmare. Make sure you and the children are safe.
Bo said
May 24, 2017
Emily-803 wrote:
My husband and I have been married now for 9 months. Combined, we have 3 children, 2 of whom are from my previous relationship and live at home and one who his mother has custody over. When I met my husband, I knew he had a previous meth problem. He had been in recovery for quite sometime and I was confident that we could have a happy life together. But our life has been a nightmare. He no longer lives at home and is staying with his mother. He has stolen from me, hurt me, been verbally abusive and have caused scenes (cursing and yelling) around my children. This has all steamed from his drug use with meth.
My husband is an amazing man, and though all the things I previously mentioned, I know his heart. He has been using now for majority of our marriage, with one/two weeks being the longest he can stay sober. When he is sober, I feel like I have my husband back and he is the man that I fell in love with. But we have come to a breaking point to where I believe we may get a divorce. I cannot take the name calling and aggressive mood changes any longer. But this is my husband... One more than one occasion, he has cried in my arms asking me to help him stop using.. Telling me he does not want this and that this is a battle for him. I know he is fighting some major demons and I want to do all I can to help him before I sign divorce papers. It is breaking my heart that I am losing my husband to this terrible drug. I cannot trust my wallet, keys or purse around him. He hasnt been able to hold a job for over a year now and to be honest.. I dont think he will be okay with going to inpatient. So what are my options? What can I do? How do I support him and hold him accountable? I am willing to put all my finances and time to find something that may help.
I was thinking about counseling. But should we do marriage counseling or should he just do recovery counseling? I go to NA meetings with him but on days we are busy, he kind of throws the idea of going to one away on the excuse of being "too busy". I tell him I will handle everything and then he thinks I am power tripping. I just want the wonderful, incredible man of God that I love to come home. I want to fight for him.. But how do I make him fight for himself? Church, counseling, NA Meetings, Celebrate Recovery.. Any other ideas?
My husband has told me that the new life of being married, paying bills on time, pretty much being an adult has had him stressed. He has expressed to me that he has never been use to so much responsibility of being a step dad and doing things the right way. I have been the most structure he has had in forever. I dont want to give up on him. I just dont know what the best approach is. My children love him, I love him, he is a great step dad/person. The drug though changes him like any substance changes people. If anyone has any advice, I would truly appreciate it. Thanks all.
-- Edited by Emily-803 on Tuesday 23rd of May 2017 12:50:59 AM
You know, on one hand, I want to say "What are you doing?" -- and on the other I want to say "You are so far "in it" that you have no idea if you are coming or going, and where you are coming and going to and from." There are also other things, but there is just so much going on here. First, you need to focus on you. YOU. Not him. You are so focused on him, his status, what he's doing, feeling, wanting to stop, being stressed, etc. -- for you, from you, your thinking, everything is all about him. Stop. Focus on YOU. Second, get to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Period. Not NA, not AA, Al-Anon. YOU go for YOU. Not him. Let him to go to NA...he's an addict...so let him go...if he wants to. YOU do not hold him accountable. There is nothing you can do about this. Period. He will not stop UNLESS and UNTIL HE wants to, and there is nothing you can do to cause that day to come about, or come about sooner, or come about at all.
I feel bad/sad about your situation. I know what you are feeling. However, you just need to stop the insanity and get help. YOU. Not him. Let him go get the help he needs if he wants to. Stop trying to fix this, him, get him to stop, etc. -- even if he asks you. Send him to a meeting and see if he goes. He has to decide and want to get better and you cannot do it with or for him.
Go find a sponsor and start getting better -- YOU start getting better -- the time is now.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 26, 2017
I do want to add that eventually, I had to stop going to the NA version of al-anon because I literally heard no hope there. Every person in the two meeting-sites I tried to be a part of had very long-term marriages with spouses that were in and out of rehab or active addiction over and over. I found that I left the meetings feeling worse than when i went in! So I followed someone's advice and tried an Al-Anon meeting. Best thing I ever did! it allowed me to find the confidence in myself to concentrate on ME. That was the key to getting my sanity back. So Bo has some good advice.
My husband and I have been married now for 9 months. Combined, we have 3 children, 2 of whom are from my previous relationship and live at home and one who his mother has custody over. When I met my husband, I knew he had a previous meth problem. He had been in recovery for quite sometime and I was confident that we could have a happy life together. But our life has been a nightmare. He no longer lives at home and is staying with his mother. He has stolen from me, hurt me, been verbally abusive and have caused scenes (cursing and yelling) around my children. This has all steamed from his drug use with meth.
My husband is an amazing man, and though all the things I previously mentioned, I know his heart. He has been using now for majority of our marriage, with one/two weeks being the longest he can stay sober. When he is sober, I feel like I have my husband back and he is the man that I fell in love with. But we have come to a breaking point to where I believe we may get a divorce. I cannot take the name calling and aggressive mood changes any longer. But this is my husband... One more than one occasion, he has cried in my arms asking me to help him stop using.. Telling me he does not want this and that this is a battle for him. I know he is fighting some major demons and I want to do all I can to help him before I sign divorce papers. It is breaking my heart that I am losing my husband to this terrible drug. I cannot trust my wallet, keys or purse around him. He hasnt been able to hold a job for over a year now and to be honest.. I dont think he will be okay with going to inpatient. So what are my options? What can I do? How do I support him and hold him accountable? I am willing to put all my finances and time to find something that may help.
I was thinking about counseling. But should we do marriage counseling or should he just do recovery counseling? I go to NA meetings with him but on days we are busy, he kind of throws the idea of going to one away on the excuse of being "too busy". I tell him I will handle everything and then he thinks I am power tripping. I just want the wonderful, incredible man of God that I love to come home. I want to fight for him.. But how do I make him fight for himself? Church, counseling, NA Meetings, Celebrate Recovery.. Any other ideas?
My husband has told me that the new life of being married, paying bills on time, pretty much being an adult has had him stressed. He has expressed to me that he has never been use to so much responsibility of being a step dad and doing things the right way. I have been the most structure he has had in forever. I dont want to give up on him. I just dont know what the best approach is. My children love him, I love him, he is a great step dad/person. The drug though changes him like any substance changes people. If anyone has any advice, I would truly appreciate it. Thanks all.
-- Edited by Emily-803 on Tuesday 23rd of May 2017 12:50:59 AM
We do not give advice in Al-Anon - instead we share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other to deal with the disease and diseased and to heal accordingly. You are welcome to attend meetings whether he is in recovery or not. Meetings will provide you local support and a safe place to share honestly without fear of judgment.
No human power can manage or cure addiction in anyone. The pull of the substance is greater than the personal will power to do the next right thing. For most of us, we work to find peace and joy in our lives and restore our sanity so we can manage decisions necessary and take care of ourselves and children.
My best suggestion is to attend some meetings, and read around here to get a feel for what we (friends and family) experience due to another's addiction/alcoholism. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
I am sorry you are going through this, especially when children are involved. Alanon teaches people to concentrate on themselves and that can be hard to understand for some people because they want to helped their loved one. I admire that you are willing to go with your husband to NA meetings. He won't stop using until he is ready especially if people are enabling him. If you can find a Narconon meeting that would be helpful. Good luck!
Once I found out my husband was using meth, I contacted his family and told them. Because this drug made him crazy - manic one moment, then almost comatose for 4 days (yes, he lost his job) I was scared for myself and my son. So I planned to leave while my father and his family had an intervention. It was the only way for him to go to rehab. Because his DOC was meth, the rehab facility wouldn't even consider anything under 90 days. One of the things I was told was to start going to their NA meetings for families and I was forbidden to contact him for 30 days! They would not allow him to call me, or for me to call him. They said it was because the spouse is "usually the biggest enabler." That was very eye-opening for me, as I thought I was the "perfect" wife. But in NA I learned that I had my part in this circus. But it was also important to know that I didn't Cause it, I couldn't Control it, and I could't Cure it (The three C's).
Only you can know if you can live with his meth use. But believe me, you cannot control it. Sadly, no amount of love will keep him from using this drug. It is everything to them.
I am sorry that your family is living this nightmare. Make sure you and the children are safe.
You know, on one hand, I want to say "What are you doing?" -- and on the other I want to say "You are so far "in it" that you have no idea if you are coming or going, and where you are coming and going to and from." There are also other things, but there is just so much going on here. First, you need to focus on you. YOU. Not him. You are so focused on him, his status, what he's doing, feeling, wanting to stop, being stressed, etc. -- for you, from you, your thinking, everything is all about him. Stop. Focus on YOU. Second, get to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Period. Not NA, not AA, Al-Anon. YOU go for YOU. Not him. Let him to go to NA...he's an addict...so let him go...if he wants to. YOU do not hold him accountable. There is nothing you can do about this. Period. He will not stop UNLESS and UNTIL HE wants to, and there is nothing you can do to cause that day to come about, or come about sooner, or come about at all.
I feel bad/sad about your situation. I know what you are feeling. However, you just need to stop the insanity and get help. YOU. Not him. Let him go get the help he needs if he wants to. Stop trying to fix this, him, get him to stop, etc. -- even if he asks you. Send him to a meeting and see if he goes. He has to decide and want to get better and you cannot do it with or for him.
Go find a sponsor and start getting better -- YOU start getting better -- the time is now.