First off I want to say I've been an Alanon member for about 3 years. I'm staying at my single adult daughter's condo to take care of her pets because she has entered a 30 day rehab program for the 4th time. Since I live about 1500 miles away, i flew in here about 10 days ago. I helped her get into a treatment facility and helped her negotiate the leave with her employer so she didn't lose her job. I thought I would be able to stay the entire 30 days to help her and visit her in the treatment facility, but I now discover I need to return home for a few days for some important business.. I'm afraid if I tell here I'm leaving while she's still in rehab, she will say I don't need to come bacK. Coming back is probably more for me so I'm not sitting thousands of miles away from her worried to death. I want to be there for her when she's released. Like I said she's single and the thought if her coming home alone to an empty condo is really scary to me. She has only a handful of friends, who are supportive, but live over an hour away. Unfortunately she doesn't handle being alone well at all. She started drinking again after 2 and a half years of sobriety because of a bad breakup and being lonely. Since I can only see her on Wednesday and Sunday each week while she's in rehab, I'm contemplating not even telling her I'm leaving, and getting a pet sitter to watch her pets. I know honesty is the best policy, but I'm so torn about this. I've even enlisted a friend of hers to help me so she doesn't realize I'm gone. Also i've given so many stories and lies to my other daughter about where I am so she doesn't know her sister is in rehab again, that's it's not funny. The two girls don't even talk to each other anymore, and letting the cat out of the bag about another rehab just doesn't seem to be an option. I know this isn't an advice forum, but can anybody shed any light on this situation? I feel sick to my stomach and can't stop worrying. I know I need to work on myself and my own program, but I'm almost too far gone at this point to even do that. I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday here, and I felt even worse when I left.
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 11:05:09 AM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 12:18:57 PM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 01:51:36 PM
Iamhere said
May 22, 2017
(((Hugs))) - my best thoughts are do what you need to do for you. I would attend multiple meetings per day if you want to be of service to your daughter and her recovery. As a double winner, my mother (untreated) was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me when I came out of rehab many, many years ago. She meant well but her hovering and doing for me was more stressful than trying to work a recovery program.
If you daughter wants recovery, she will get it. If she wants to stay sober and be less lonely, she'll engage in fellowship. All communities have 4-5 times as many AA meetings as Al-Anon available, and most have social events every night/week-end. For an alcoholic, it's vital to be busy, stay busy and fellowship in/out of meetings is a huge element of success.
I can't speak to the non-disclosure - I know I grew up in a family where my mother desired to not disclose 'issues' and it made more stress than it should have often. I swore as a young child I would not live that way, so don't. This is a disease, not a moral dilemma. It's deadly if not treated. You are not too far gone to get recovery - never say never!
Keep coming back - try to focus on just one day at a time!
shrnp said
May 22, 2017
It sounds like your daughter is in a good place, and hopefully she will go to meetings when she gets out.
Aline said
May 22, 2017
I'm sorry you're going through this... When I'm stressed I say to myself the serenity prayer, multiple times if I need it, and I have found it does bring back at least some peace of mind, because it makes me think about what I can and what I can't do... I hope you will return to the meetings. I can only say about my own experience so far, but I have found, very recently in fact, that the more I reveal of myself, my thoughts, doubts, fears in a meeting, the more I "undress" there and reveal my various embarrassing thoughts or weaknesses of soul, or fears, the more I benefit and the bigger the relief afterwards. I'm relatively new to Alanon, and this is really weird for me, to be so honest about what I feel and think, I've been censoring myself for a long, long time, and now I've tried to take off my filters for once... Take what you like and leave the rest. (((Hugs)))
el-cee said
May 22, 2017
I understand how desperate this can feel. I had to read over and over again the leaflet on detachment. I had to let go and let God. I can't save my child nothing I do or don't do can cause it or cure it. It's way bigger than me. So I can pray. I can let him know I love him and am hereally for him if he wants help but other than that it belongs to him. Sometimes an overly helpful approach sends a negative message. The message can be I don't believe you can help yourself. I think you need me I know better. Of course we don't want to send this message we love them dearly but this is a situation that needs careful thought. I came to see that my helping was for my benefit and had little do with really helping my son. Fear based help is about me and relief for me. The hands off approach is usually the kindest and most loving but the absolute hardest thing I the world your not alone and you will work this out through your work in alanon x
Mattie said
May 22, 2017
I think we all know that desperate need to try to control the situation - which is really trying to control our own anxiety.
Rehab and the fellowship give people in recovery many options for community, which they can reach at almost any hour of the day or night. It's okay to let this burden fall from your shoulders.
I know it must be exhausting to be engaging in deception toward the one daughter, and contemplating deception towards the daughter in rehab.
Al-Anon advises us, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."
When I realized that I could just say my truth, in a kind way, it was so liberating.
You are afraid that if you go home, your daughter will tell you not to come back, and (if I understand you) you won't be able to endure the anxiety of being far away and not knowing whether your daughter is starting to drink again. And trying to stop it?
It is such a heavy burden to think that we stand between someone and alcoholism. Remember the first step: we are powerless. She has all the tools she needs to go where she wants to go. Where she wants to go is up to her, and even if you were glued to her like, well, like glue, you couldn't change her mind.
But also we tend to anticipate problems. Maybe she will not tell you to stay away. Maybe your honesty in the relationship between you will start a new era of authenticity.
I hope you can find a good meeting to think these things through. Take good care of yourself.
Buckeye Girl said
Jun 7, 2017
My posts are from a couple of weeks ago, and a lot has happened. My daughter entered rehab 3 weeks ago and we were getting along well. I visited her a couple times a week and attended family counseling sessions with her. I returned home last Sunday for a few days, and was planning on returning when she was discharged. Then all of a sudden, she told me not to come back when she gets out. Her ex boyfriend reappeared and inserted himself into the situation. He had been out of the picture for several weeks, then decided he missed her. This is the same guy who said he wanoted to be single and not be controlled by her. Up until this point, he had not offered her any support by calling her or visiting her. He told her I called all her friends long distanceall to go check on her when she was on a drinking binge and passed out. She had no knowledge I did this. This all happened well over a month ago. Why he decided to tell her about these calls after all this time, is beyond me. It has just caused so much tension between her and me. I was in the past and should have been left there. I live thousands of miles away from her. Nothing was to be gained by her knowing I was in a panic and reached out to her friends. Now I guess I have to sit and worry again while she tries to get her life back on track..
SerenityRUS said
Jun 7, 2017
Welcome back BG,
As I read your post I think what strikes me is what is and what is not my business what happens when I force my will into a situation.
I'm really glad your daughter sought out help. It is unfortunate that this boyfriend has chosen to behave the way he has bringing up the past, and this is a "me" thing as far as I believe in taking the bull by the horns .. if you did it .. you did it .. own it. I find owning my short comings and apologizing for my lack of judgment is a far better way for me to roll. It also takes away the power of the other person who is feeding the information to cause havoc .. not saying it will fix everything .. at least there is an acceptance of yes I am not perfect .. yes I love and care about you and you are right .. I was out of line.
If my mom did what you did regardless where she was coming from I would be not pleased .. and my mom has pushed a few envelopes recently .. one was a friend request to my bf .. umm NO. I have a complicated relationship with her .. my boundaries are .. I choose the time and place we interchange .. nothing more and nothing less.
I really encourage you to allow her to be where she is at and you go to your meetings .. are you working with a sponsor? If not .. you are not using the program to the fullest .. sponsorship is being able to take these situations and have someone who knows the specifics and work with you program talk and walk. While the past is in the past .. I know I am still responsible for the series of events I have set into play .. and I only have to deal with my part.
Sending prayers your direction .. S :)
Iamhere said
Jun 7, 2017
Good to see you again and so sorry for the pain and insanity this disease brings. I'd be gentle with you and trust the recovery process for you and she...it's so hard to be of service without overstepping....especially when it's your child. I know that feeling.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - one day at a time!
Buckeye Girl said
Jun 16, 2017
My daughter told me not to get a flight and return to support her after she got released from rehab, so I didn't. While she was in rehab, she continued to call to her ex-boyfriend. He told her about all the times I had called her friends to check on over the past few months. He continues to rub salt in the wound, by still talking about it, even though it was awhile ago. I'm not sure why they are talking at all, about me or anyone else. He was very non supportive and hateful to her about her decision to go to rehab. He drinks heavily and convinced her to drink again, after 2 and a half years of sobriety. She gave up listening to him nag her about it, and the cycle of alcoholism and mixing prescription meds started up again. I'm really concerned about her getting sucked in by this guy again. My daughter, who is once again sober and has been out of rehab for a week, is refusing to talk to me at all. I know I need to work my program and go to meetings, but this really hurts. I have been through several rehabs with her, and have been there to offer support, with calls and emails. This is a slap in the face to not even be able to converse with her at all. Family support is very important in recovery. I feel like this guy is just trying to cause more problems for our family.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 16, 2017
While family support can be extremely important it seems to me that your daughter has at this point made her feelings very clear that she is not interested for now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go and let God. Are you working with a sponsor? People skip sponsorship as part of program work and while I can attend meetings all day long if I'm not doing the extra step of having a sponsor for a different perspective I am not working my own program. It is extremely important and helps redirect the focus back to where it needs to be.
I hear that you want your daughter to succeed in sobriety and I get that, .. however I don't hear that you are listening to her. This is about her and her disease. Yes, being a parent cut out of a kids life "after all I have done" hurts the reality is she needs to heal and only SHE can do that .. you really do not play a part outside of being supportive .. if not speaking is being supportive then do that. It goes back to the whole I am powerless over (insert the noun here).
As far as the boyfriend she's going to have to figure that out, give her to her HP and let her sort her life lessons out .. telling her she's wrong or whatever is not going to help your situation and that's an opinion .. again .. I'm not an alcoholic .. my mom had behavior .. I do not have a good relationship with her all of the time and we go a long time without really speaking. It would seriously piss me off if she was trying to manage me from up close or a distance .. I will turn away in a heart beat if I feel that's going on. We do not have a healthy relationship all of the time .. we have glimmers and that's what as an adult I choose to focus on .. sometimes she's just to needy for me.
What I have learned is as a parent my children do not owe me anything .. they give freely it's not a requirement of love or acceptance. My mother believes that love is conditional based upon behavior .. if I am good .. if I do what she wants me to .. and then will follow that with you OWE me .. noooo .. I seriously do not OWE her. Any more than my kids OWE me. This is regardless of what I CHOOSE to do for them .. those are MY choices I am responsible for.
I go back to the beginning of the message which is .. focus on yourself and work your own program .. your daughter will reach out when she's ready if that's in HP's plan .. you do not get to control when she does or doesn't reach out and no .. she doesn't owe you because you went to rehab with her.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jun 16, 2017
I have 2 offspring who have been in more than 12 rehabs (combined). Currently, one is (I think - can not find him) sober and one is active. The insanity of this disease knows no calendar, stranger, etc. It is chronic, progressive and subtle as well as powerful, baffling and deadly.
They are adult age now and no matter how much it hurts or how much I worry, they have the power to ignore me, order me away, avoid me and detach from me (any way they want). While I truly wish it were different, it's not and the program tells me in Step One that I am powerless over alcohol (alcoholic) and my life has become unmanageable.
I had to learn in recovery that we don't have to like what's going on, but we do need to accept it. We don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior, but we can't change others - only ourselves. The single best thing I have ever done for me and my family was to embrace Al-Anon, dive in with both feet, take my energy, anxiety, fear and other to the program and work this program to the best of my ability one day at a time.
I am so sorry for the pain caused by the disease in your life. My hope is you lean into recovery and find your path to peace. We truly are powerless over other people, places and things but we can get healthy in mind, spirit and body in recovery. When things are very crazy, I am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer...
Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
Bo said
Jun 17, 2017
Buckeye Girl wrote:
My daughter told me not to get a flight and return to support her after she got released from rehab, so I didn't. While she was in rehab, she continued to call to her ex-boyfriend. He told her about all the times I had called her friends to check on over the past few months. He continues to rub salt in the wound, by still talking about it, even though it was awhile ago. I'm not sure why they are talking at all, about me or anyone else. He was very non supportive and hateful to her about her decision to go to rehab. He drinks heavily and convinced her to drink again, after 2 and a half years of sobriety. She gave up listening to him nag her about it, and the cycle of alcoholism and mixing prescription meds started up again. I'm really concerned about her getting sucked in by this guy again. My daughter, who is once again sober and has been out of rehab for a week, is refusing to talk to me at all. I know I need to work my program and go to meetings, but this really hurts. I have been through several rehabs with her, and have been there to offer support, with calls and emails. This is a slap in the face to not even be able to converse with her at all. Family support is very important in recovery. I feel like this guy is just trying to cause more problems for our family.
You are very focused on your daughter -- and while I am sure everyone understands that, why, etc., and it appears and feels completely normal to you -- you should speak to your sponsor as to whether or not this is the healthy way and healthy thing for you to do. You are just so focused on her, and have determined what is important, best, appropriate, etc., for her. Not you. She has been through several rehabs -- not we -- she. Her sickness is her sickness and her recovery is her recovery. It is not "we" or "us" -- and your sickness is yours. Start dealing with your sickness and start your recovery.
You are right -- you need to work your program. Do the work. If you do, with focus and clarity, you will get better....she may not...but you will. See, the two are independent of each other. You may not see that or feel that, but they are. You are "messed up" because she is. Detach. Really detach -- emotionally, not just physically. Work with your sponsor. Every day. Do the work, every day. Focus on you. Laser precision focus. Acceptance. Powerlessness. That's where you start with your sponsor.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 17th of June 2017 06:41:00 AM
Buckeye Girl said
Aug 6, 2017
First thank you to all who replied to me earlier. I have a somewhat different situation now to discuss. I did not return to LA a couple of months ago as I wanted when my daughter was released from rehab because she told me not to. She found out from her ex boyfriend while she was in rehab that I was communicating with her friends about her. Unfortunately the stuff he told her was not exactly the truth, and she believed him and not me. I told her what I thought about him, and that was a mistake. She was FURIOUS! We have barely communicated in the 2 months since she was released. She has since reunited with the boyfriend, who is a borderline alcoholic himself, which makes the situation between her and me much worse. Not a great place for my daughter who has been an alcoholic for over 15 years. Anyway, I'm trying to take better care if myself, and to a certain extent it's worked. I've been attending 4-5 Alanon meetings a week, as well as reading Alanon approved literature everyday. I feel a little better after most meetings, but then the old fears start creeping back in as the day wears on. I'll hear something, see something, or go to somewhere that reminds me of the ugly times with her. If I can get through a day without crying it's a miracle!! Some days are better than others. I find that my particular situation is somewhat different than most Alanon members in the meetings that I attend, as my alcoholic/addict is my adult daughter who has been to rehab 4 times and detox 3 times. My current situation is that even though we aren't talking, I'm seeing my daughter on social media reaching out to people from her past who I know are addicts and previous drinking buddies. She asks to go to visit them in faraway cities and even Canada! I know this really shouldn't be my problem and if she relapses again, it's her, not me, but she is still my child and I love her. I feel like I need to do something since she seems to be going down this path again. Her last relapse was really bad. I was with her before she went to rehab about 3 months ago, and I know that she is lucky to be alive. I don't know if she can make it through another. This scenario has put me in panic mode again! As a sober person, I know my daughter would not be reaching out like this to these people. I'm trying to come to terms with her possibly relapsing again, but I don't know if I can. I know this forum has members far and wide, who have surely been in this situation with their adult children. I would welcome and appreciate any thoughts that might help me. This constant worrying about things I have no control over, is ruining my life. I know what the Alanon books say, but I would appreciate any guidance from someone who has actually been through this nightmare. It was suggested at one of my meetings, that I go to some open AA meetings to help understand what the alcoholic goes through. Has anyone else ever done that?
hotrod said
Aug 6, 2017
Hi Attending open AA meetings might. help however I believe that working the Steps helped me to gain the freedom from the worry that i walked around with for years.
Accepting that i was powerless over my son and others and that there was a power greater than myself in charge(first and 2nd step) helped me to stop interfering in his life by calling, and watching his posting on social media etc. He was an adult and I set him free. and started to focus on MY life . Learning to accept life on life's terms and not my own was a miracle.
Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Aug 6, 2017
Hey Buckeyegirl - Yes....I do believe the open meetings would help. I agree with Betty though - getting a sponsor and having phone numbers of trusted Al-Anon members really helped me deal with the fear/worry that came as the day unfolded. Both of my sons are adults and each has been to at least 5 treatment centers. I do understand where you are and how you feel and also how it can destroy your day/week/more...
I tried just about anything and everything and success for me and my patterns surrounding how they live/lived their lives only came through my best efforts in working this program completely. Please keep coming back - knowing I was not alone was very, very helpful too.
(((Hugs)))
Buckeye Girl said
Aug 6, 2017
Thank you. I fell like no one else has had as many problems with their adult child as me. She is single and lives about 1500 miles away. I'm so concerned about something bad happeNing when there is no one around.
Buckeye Girl said
Aug 7, 2017
I got firm confirmation yesterday that my daughter has indeed relapsed after getting out of rehab less than 2 months ago. If you have read my previous messages, you know that I leave about 1500 miles away from her. In the past, she has blacked out and not answered calls or texts for days at a time. I have always called her friends to go and check on her, which has caused terrible problems in our relationship. Since she is in trouble again, it was suggested that I call a local AA office to have a recovering alcoholic go to her house to do a wellness check. Has anyone on this forum ever done this? Or had the local police go to do a wellness check?
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2017
I have called the police for wellness checks.
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2017
I too have called the police for wellness checks. i have also called AA intergroup to ask that an AA member visit my son and review AA's principles .
The call to the police was more effccive as they called an ambulance and had him admitted to hospital from which he could not walk away as he was a danger to himself .
Sending positive thoughts your way.
el-cee said
Aug 7, 2017
Im sorry, it does sound like she never really gained sobriety after rehab and I can understand that, I believe the person has got to be ready, reach their own personal bottom and all we can do is get out the way and let it happen.
I understand your fears and how powerful they can be. They ruled me and destroyed my relationship with everyone really and I had to learn about allowing the other person, another human, child or not, doesn't belong to me, allowing them their own choices, path, mistakes, achievements etc the whole lot without judgement from me.
My son is a problem drinker, cant call him alcoholic as I'm not sure he does. I learned through this program that I don't know how to live this life perfectly or correctly, no one does so it leaves me in no position to judge anyone including an alcoholic. If I stop judging their choices as right or wrong, or any other label and I truly practice Live and Let Live then I allow everyone in my life the dignity to live as they see fit, rightly or wrongly and not by my standards or fearful insanity.
Bad things happen in life to everyone and when people are living risky lifestyles then chances are more bad things will happen. That's life for all of us. Your driven to intervene and rescue and fix another human being because you believe your perspective or your decisions etc are better than hers. Its quite an arrogant point of view and one I sat in for a very long time. She is an adult, that means she is free to drink or not, free to have friends you don't approve of, free to destroy her life or build it up just as you are. See her as an equal and she might have a chance, let her go. You don't have the answers for her, she's telling you and showing you she wants to be left to live as she sees fit, so what's stopping you? Most likely the exact same thing that stopped me for a very long time with my own son. FEAR
My imagination ran riot, I lived in the what ifs. My fear was consuming me, couldn't concentrate on anything or anyone else, I neglected every single part of my life including other children who needed me. My life was truly unmanageable in every single part and it was all because I truly believed I could control this but I just needed to work out how so round and round I went doing the same thing over and over again expecting the drinking to stop. Insanity. My thinking was irrational, fear driven, manipulative, egotistical, and controlling.
I learned in alanon that whenever I acted to save, help, rescue, any of that, I learned I was committing the ultimate selfish act and calling it love for my child. I was really taking action to ease my fear. Nothing else, I wanted him to live differently because I was uncomfortable living in fear. It was all me, me, me. I began letting go and I believe I now love my son unconditionally as best as I can. I stopped being the saviour and chipping away at his self esteem through my worry and fear. I let him go, trusting that whatever will happen, even death then I didn't cause it and I could never cure it. The miracle happened, or lots of them, he began taking responsibility for his own life, he met someone, he works, he has his family relationships. He still drinks, its still a problem, I can see the unhappiness in him and bad things still happen but less and less just for today.
Anyway, I suggest you examine your motives, not in a guilt ridden kind of way, just an honest look at the drivers within you, this is where your problem lies not in your daughter, its got nothing to do with her.
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2017
I have also done both- police wellness check and local AA service office.
I also set boundaries up when they were running wild with the disease...examples include are starting to text messages in a certain amount of time.
Living with the disease in one we love is very difficult at times but Al-Anon has helped tremendously.
Keep coming back....one day at a time.
Buckeye Girl said
Aug 7, 2017
These comments are just what I needed today from all of you! Thank you! For those of you who have called the police for a wellness check, does the alcoholic find out who called the police or is that information confidential? And what happens if there is no problem found, do the police just leave or is there some sort of report filed? I may need to do this, and I just want to have all the information on hand in case.. I think calling the police in my case might be more effective. I'm not sure if my daughter is attending AA meetings any longer, even though she did while she was in rehab.
el-cee said
Aug 7, 2017
Isnt a wellness check just another message to the drinker that they are helpless and can't take care of themselves? Isnt it just another way of us acting on our own fears that belong to us but we then impose on the drinker? Is it just another enabling, prolonging tool that we tell ourselves is the right thing to do to justify our need of relief from fear? Whats the point of a wellness check? Is it really us back at step 1 - cos, what do we really hope to achieve from this, oh maybe this will be the time they get sobriety, one last time? Isnt us still trying to save, fix, control?
This may be me being cynical, quite probably, but I do wish to understand how these fit with our program?
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2017
EC .. when I look at the health and welfare of another human being I put it under how do I want to be treated. Can I live with myself if the person died? I am not doing for someone that they can do for themselves .. they can't call. I checked my motives every time I made those calls. My mom left the dang phone off the hook one time and I was 2100 miles away so I did do a wellness check and she didn't know the phone was off the hook .. LOL .. she did laugh because I guess the cops were cute. LOL. Sometimes that's the only way and being she's a single elderly woman it was appropriate. When I called on my XAH .. it was because my children were terrified he was going to kill himself because that's what he told them he was going to do after a visitation. And of course he was drunk because that was his MO. In either situation I would have felt horrible if something had happened and I didn't make a 5 min call to have someone check. Now one time I did it when I was a kid and it was to make a point .. LOL .. my jackass drunk s/dad would leave the phone so I couldn't call my mom and tell her where I was so I would get in trouble .. this was before cell phones .. I'm going to tell you that jack wagon never left the phone off the hook again. LOL. Ohhh goodness he was mad .. however it was worth it!!
BG, .. I think you could probably talk to the police and ask them not to disclose you called. HOWEVER .. what does your sponsor say about all of this? Are you attending meetings and one 2 months ago doesn't count. I understand your fear, you have no control over if your daughter relapses, or anything else.
Hugs S :)
mamalioness said
Aug 7, 2017
I'm sure when you go to the meetings and find a sponsor, You can get a healthier perspective
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 7th of August 2017 09:26:16 PM
tiredtonite said
Aug 7, 2017
You've gotten so much great Alanon experience, strength and hope concerning your first post. I'd like to address the second one about your dau exbf who is back in the picture. In Alanon we say "sometimes hp does for us what we cannot do for ourselves." You now can concentrate on your recovery, your own home life. You may not like him but she is an adult and it's her choice. It's also said in the Alanon program "we're as sick as our secrets." If you haven't heard this before, in part it means that when we hide the truth and are not comfortable about doing it begins to take a toll on our physical and mental well-being. Again... you may not like that the bf told your dau you called her friends but it does afford the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your higher power. You can offer loving support at a distance to your dau. Our hp is always there to guide us to good choices when we reach out and ask to do hp's will rather than ours.
I wish you and your dau continued success on your recovery journeys. ((hugs)) TT
Buckeye Girl said
Aug 7, 2017
Thanks for the additional comments everyone. I appreciate the time you took to reply. I agree about most of what was said, except the part about not doing a wellness check. That was actually suggested at one of my ftf meetings. I live 1500 mikes away, and that is a way I can make sure something bad hasn't happened, without contacting her friends and without being physically involved myself. I would never forgive myself if she had a fatal seizure and I didn't make that 5 minute call.
milkwood said
Aug 7, 2017
Sending ((((hugs)))) Buckeye Girl and sorry you are going through so much worry.
When I started to see that I couldn't run someone's life for them I decided to live my life in the most inspiring enjoyable ways possible in the hope that they would decide to join me on my path. It was the best thing I could do at the time and it worked much better than my fixing/managing ever did!! Plus I managed to go to bed with some nicer memories in my head.
It sounds as if you are also learning some new ways to cope.
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2017
What I love about Al-Anon is we can 'take what we like, and leave the rest'. When we each share our own personal experience, strength and hope, it is for that intent only - sharing what we did, where we were and what it's like now....each member gets to work this program at their own pace, realize they own journey, and move forward as it fits best with their scenario.
It is really, really hard to not worry when it's a loved one, esp. when they are a child. There are no hard/fast rules in Al-Anon and what remains constant is just our desire to be/do/learn different and find our own joy/journey.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))) and healing prayers.
el-cee said
Aug 7, 2017
What I love about alanon is there is no one authority but a loving God so all esh could be considered worthy and valuable. No judgement required. No rules to enforce here. This is my esh.
First off I want to say I've been an Alanon member for about 3 years. I'm staying at my single adult daughter's condo to take care of her pets because she has entered a 30 day rehab program for the 4th time. Since I live about 1500 miles away, i flew in here about 10 days ago. I helped her get into a treatment facility and helped her negotiate the leave with her employer so she didn't lose her job. I thought I would be able to stay the entire 30 days to help her and visit her in the treatment facility, but I now discover I need to return home for a few days for some important business.. I'm afraid if I tell here I'm leaving while she's still in rehab, she will say I don't need to come bacK. Coming back is probably more for me so I'm not sitting thousands of miles away from her worried to death. I want to be there for her when she's released. Like I said she's single and the thought if her coming home alone to an empty condo is really scary to me. She has only a handful of friends, who are supportive, but live over an hour away. Unfortunately she doesn't handle being alone well at all. She started drinking again after 2 and a half years of sobriety because of a bad breakup and being lonely. Since I can only see her on Wednesday and Sunday each week while she's in rehab, I'm contemplating not even telling her I'm leaving, and getting a pet sitter to watch her pets. I know honesty is the best policy, but I'm so torn about this. I've even enlisted a friend of hers to help me so she doesn't realize I'm gone. Also i've given so many stories and lies to my other daughter about where I am so she doesn't know her sister is in rehab again, that's it's not funny. The two girls don't even talk to each other anymore, and letting the cat out of the bag about another rehab just doesn't seem to be an option. I know this isn't an advice forum, but can anybody shed any light on this situation? I feel sick to my stomach and can't stop worrying. I know I need to work on myself and my own program, but I'm almost too far gone at this point to even do that. I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday here, and I felt even worse when I left.
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 11:05:09 AM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 12:18:57 PM
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 01:51:36 PM
If you daughter wants recovery, she will get it. If she wants to stay sober and be less lonely, she'll engage in fellowship. All communities have 4-5 times as many AA meetings as Al-Anon available, and most have social events every night/week-end. For an alcoholic, it's vital to be busy, stay busy and fellowship in/out of meetings is a huge element of success.
I can't speak to the non-disclosure - I know I grew up in a family where my mother desired to not disclose 'issues' and it made more stress than it should have often. I swore as a young child I would not live that way, so don't. This is a disease, not a moral dilemma. It's deadly if not treated. You are not too far gone to get recovery - never say never!
Keep coming back - try to focus on just one day at a time!
I think we all know that desperate need to try to control the situation - which is really trying to control our own anxiety.
Rehab and the fellowship give people in recovery many options for community, which they can reach at almost any hour of the day or night. It's okay to let this burden fall from your shoulders.
I know it must be exhausting to be engaging in deception toward the one daughter, and contemplating deception towards the daughter in rehab.
Al-Anon advises us, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."
When I realized that I could just say my truth, in a kind way, it was so liberating.
You are afraid that if you go home, your daughter will tell you not to come back, and (if I understand you) you won't be able to endure the anxiety of being far away and not knowing whether your daughter is starting to drink again. And trying to stop it?
It is such a heavy burden to think that we stand between someone and alcoholism. Remember the first step: we are powerless. She has all the tools she needs to go where she wants to go. Where she wants to go is up to her, and even if you were glued to her like, well, like glue, you couldn't change her mind.
But also we tend to anticipate problems. Maybe she will not tell you to stay away. Maybe your honesty in the relationship between you will start a new era of authenticity.
I hope you can find a good meeting to think these things through. Take good care of yourself.
My posts are from a couple of weeks ago, and a lot has happened. My daughter entered rehab 3 weeks ago and we were getting along well. I visited her a couple times a week and attended family counseling sessions with her. I returned home last Sunday for a few days, and was planning on returning when she was discharged. Then all of a sudden, she told me not to come back when she gets out. Her ex boyfriend reappeared and inserted himself into the situation. He had been out of the picture for several weeks, then decided he missed her. This is the same guy who said he wanoted to be single and not be controlled by her. Up until this point, he had not offered her any support by calling her or visiting her. He told her I called all her friends long distanceall to go check on her when she was on a drinking binge and passed out. She had no knowledge I did this. This all happened well over a month ago. Why he decided to tell her about these calls after all this time, is beyond me. It has just caused so much tension between her and me. I was in the past and should have been left there. I live thousands of miles away from her. Nothing was to be gained by her knowing I was in a panic and reached out to her friends. Now I guess I have to sit and worry again while she tries to get her life back on track..
As I read your post I think what strikes me is what is and what is not my business what happens when I force my will into a situation.
I'm really glad your daughter sought out help. It is unfortunate that this boyfriend has chosen to behave the way he has bringing up the past, and this is a "me" thing as far as I believe in taking the bull by the horns .. if you did it .. you did it .. own it. I find owning my short comings and apologizing for my lack of judgment is a far better way for me to roll. It also takes away the power of the other person who is feeding the information to cause havoc .. not saying it will fix everything .. at least there is an acceptance of yes I am not perfect .. yes I love and care about you and you are right .. I was out of line.
If my mom did what you did regardless where she was coming from I would be not pleased .. and my mom has pushed a few envelopes recently .. one was a friend request to my bf .. umm NO. I have a complicated relationship with her .. my boundaries are .. I choose the time and place we interchange .. nothing more and nothing less.
I really encourage you to allow her to be where she is at and you go to your meetings .. are you working with a sponsor? If not .. you are not using the program to the fullest .. sponsorship is being able to take these situations and have someone who knows the specifics and work with you program talk and walk. While the past is in the past .. I know I am still responsible for the series of events I have set into play .. and I only have to deal with my part.
Sending prayers your direction .. S :)
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - one day at a time!
My daughter told me not to get a flight and return to support her after she got released from rehab, so I didn't. While she was in rehab, she continued to call to her ex-boyfriend. He told her about all the times I had called her friends to check on over the past few months. He continues to rub salt in the wound, by still talking about it, even though it was awhile ago. I'm not sure why they are talking at all, about me or anyone else. He was very non supportive and hateful to her about her decision to go to rehab. He drinks heavily and convinced her to drink again, after 2 and a half years of sobriety. She gave up listening to him nag her about it, and the cycle of alcoholism and mixing prescription meds started up again. I'm really concerned about her getting sucked in by this guy again. My daughter, who is once again sober and has been out of rehab for a week, is refusing to talk to me at all. I know I need to work my program and go to meetings, but this really hurts. I have been through several rehabs with her, and have been there to offer support, with calls and emails. This is a slap in the face to not even be able to converse with her at all. Family support is very important in recovery. I feel like this guy is just trying to cause more problems for our family.
I hear that you want your daughter to succeed in sobriety and I get that, .. however I don't hear that you are listening to her. This is about her and her disease. Yes, being a parent cut out of a kids life "after all I have done" hurts the reality is she needs to heal and only SHE can do that .. you really do not play a part outside of being supportive .. if not speaking is being supportive then do that. It goes back to the whole I am powerless over (insert the noun here).
As far as the boyfriend she's going to have to figure that out, give her to her HP and let her sort her life lessons out .. telling her she's wrong or whatever is not going to help your situation and that's an opinion .. again .. I'm not an alcoholic .. my mom had behavior .. I do not have a good relationship with her all of the time and we go a long time without really speaking. It would seriously piss me off if she was trying to manage me from up close or a distance .. I will turn away in a heart beat if I feel that's going on. We do not have a healthy relationship all of the time .. we have glimmers and that's what as an adult I choose to focus on .. sometimes she's just to needy for me.
What I have learned is as a parent my children do not owe me anything .. they give freely it's not a requirement of love or acceptance. My mother believes that love is conditional based upon behavior .. if I am good .. if I do what she wants me to .. and then will follow that with you OWE me .. noooo .. I seriously do not OWE her. Any more than my kids OWE me. This is regardless of what I CHOOSE to do for them .. those are MY choices I am responsible for.
I go back to the beginning of the message which is .. focus on yourself and work your own program .. your daughter will reach out when she's ready if that's in HP's plan .. you do not get to control when she does or doesn't reach out and no .. she doesn't owe you because you went to rehab with her.
Hugs S :)
They are adult age now and no matter how much it hurts or how much I worry, they have the power to ignore me, order me away, avoid me and detach from me (any way they want). While I truly wish it were different, it's not and the program tells me in Step One that I am powerless over alcohol (alcoholic) and my life has become unmanageable.
I had to learn in recovery that we don't have to like what's going on, but we do need to accept it. We don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior, but we can't change others - only ourselves. The single best thing I have ever done for me and my family was to embrace Al-Anon, dive in with both feet, take my energy, anxiety, fear and other to the program and work this program to the best of my ability one day at a time.
I am so sorry for the pain caused by the disease in your life. My hope is you lean into recovery and find your path to peace. We truly are powerless over other people, places and things but we can get healthy in mind, spirit and body in recovery. When things are very crazy, I am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer...
Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
You are very focused on your daughter -- and while I am sure everyone understands that, why, etc., and it appears and feels completely normal to you -- you should speak to your sponsor as to whether or not this is the healthy way and healthy thing for you to do. You are just so focused on her, and have determined what is important, best, appropriate, etc., for her. Not you. She has been through several rehabs -- not we -- she. Her sickness is her sickness and her recovery is her recovery. It is not "we" or "us" -- and your sickness is yours. Start dealing with your sickness and start your recovery.
You are right -- you need to work your program. Do the work. If you do, with focus and clarity, you will get better....she may not...but you will. See, the two are independent of each other. You may not see that or feel that, but they are. You are "messed up" because she is. Detach. Really detach -- emotionally, not just physically. Work with your sponsor. Every day. Do the work, every day. Focus on you. Laser precision focus. Acceptance. Powerlessness. That's where you start with your sponsor.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 17th of June 2017 06:41:00 AM
First thank you to all who replied to me earlier. I have a somewhat different situation now to discuss. I did not return to LA a couple of months ago as I wanted when my daughter was released from rehab because she told me not to. She found out from her ex boyfriend while she was in rehab that I was communicating with her friends about her. Unfortunately the stuff he told her was not exactly the truth, and she believed him and not me. I told her what I thought about him, and that was a mistake. She was FURIOUS! We have barely communicated in the 2 months since she was released. She has since reunited with the boyfriend, who is a borderline alcoholic himself, which makes the situation between her and me much worse. Not a great place for my daughter who has been an alcoholic for over 15 years. Anyway, I'm trying to take better care if myself, and to a certain extent it's worked. I've been attending 4-5 Alanon meetings a week, as well as reading Alanon approved literature everyday. I feel a little better after most meetings, but then the old fears start creeping back in as the day wears on. I'll hear something, see something, or go to somewhere that reminds me of the ugly times with her. If I can get through a day without crying it's a miracle!! Some days are better than others. I find that my particular situation is somewhat different than most Alanon members in the meetings that I attend, as my alcoholic/addict is my adult daughter who has been to rehab 4 times and detox 3 times. My current situation is that even though we aren't talking, I'm seeing my daughter on social media reaching out to people from her past who I know are addicts and previous drinking buddies. She asks to go to visit them in faraway cities and even Canada! I know this really shouldn't be my problem and if she relapses again, it's her, not me, but she is still my child and I love her. I feel like I need to do something since she seems to be going down this path again. Her last relapse was really bad. I was with her before she went to rehab about 3 months ago, and I know that she is lucky to be alive. I don't know if she can make it through another. This scenario has put me in panic mode again! As a sober person, I know my daughter would not be reaching out like this to these people. I'm trying to come to terms with her possibly relapsing again, but I don't know if I can. I know this forum has members far and wide, who have surely been in this situation with their adult children. I would welcome and appreciate any thoughts that might help me. This constant worrying about things I have no control over, is ruining my life. I know what the Alanon books say, but I would appreciate any guidance from someone who has actually been through this nightmare. It was suggested at one of my meetings, that I go to some open AA meetings to help understand what the alcoholic goes through. Has anyone else ever done that?
Accepting that i was powerless over my son and others and that there was a power greater than myself in charge(first and 2nd step) helped me to stop interfering in his life by calling, and watching his posting on social media etc. He was an adult and I set him free. and started to focus on MY life . Learning to accept life on life's terms and not my own was a miracle.
Keep coming back
I tried just about anything and everything and success for me and my patterns surrounding how they live/lived their lives only came through my best efforts in working this program completely. Please keep coming back - knowing I was not alone was very, very helpful too.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you. I fell like no one else has had as many problems with their adult child as me. She is single and lives about 1500 miles away. I'm so concerned about something bad happeNing when there is no one around.
I got firm confirmation yesterday that my daughter has indeed relapsed after getting out of rehab less than 2 months ago. If you have read my previous messages, you know that I leave about 1500 miles away from her. In the past, she has blacked out and not answered calls or texts for days at a time. I have always called her friends to go and check on her, which has caused terrible problems in our relationship. Since she is in trouble again, it was suggested that I call a local AA office to have a recovering alcoholic go to her house to do a wellness check. Has anyone on this forum ever done this? Or had the local police go to do a wellness check?
The call to the police was more effccive as they called an ambulance and had him admitted to hospital from which he could not walk away as he was a danger to himself .
Sending positive thoughts your way.
I understand your fears and how powerful they can be. They ruled me and destroyed my relationship with everyone really and I had to learn about allowing the other person, another human, child or not, doesn't belong to me, allowing them their own choices, path, mistakes, achievements etc the whole lot without judgement from me.
My son is a problem drinker, cant call him alcoholic as I'm not sure he does. I learned through this program that I don't know how to live this life perfectly or correctly, no one does so it leaves me in no position to judge anyone including an alcoholic. If I stop judging their choices as right or wrong, or any other label and I truly practice Live and Let Live then I allow everyone in my life the dignity to live as they see fit, rightly or wrongly and not by my standards or fearful insanity.
Bad things happen in life to everyone and when people are living risky lifestyles then chances are more bad things will happen. That's life for all of us. Your driven to intervene and rescue and fix another human being because you believe your perspective or your decisions etc are better than hers. Its quite an arrogant point of view and one I sat in for a very long time. She is an adult, that means she is free to drink or not, free to have friends you don't approve of, free to destroy her life or build it up just as you are. See her as an equal and she might have a chance, let her go. You don't have the answers for her, she's telling you and showing you she wants to be left to live as she sees fit, so what's stopping you? Most likely the exact same thing that stopped me for a very long time with my own son. FEAR
My imagination ran riot, I lived in the what ifs. My fear was consuming me, couldn't concentrate on anything or anyone else, I neglected every single part of my life including other children who needed me. My life was truly unmanageable in every single part and it was all because I truly believed I could control this but I just needed to work out how so round and round I went doing the same thing over and over again expecting the drinking to stop. Insanity. My thinking was irrational, fear driven, manipulative, egotistical, and controlling.
I learned in alanon that whenever I acted to save, help, rescue, any of that, I learned I was committing the ultimate selfish act and calling it love for my child. I was really taking action to ease my fear. Nothing else, I wanted him to live differently because I was uncomfortable living in fear. It was all me, me, me. I began letting go and I believe I now love my son unconditionally as best as I can. I stopped being the saviour and chipping away at his self esteem through my worry and fear. I let him go, trusting that whatever will happen, even death then I didn't cause it and I could never cure it. The miracle happened, or lots of them, he began taking responsibility for his own life, he met someone, he works, he has his family relationships. He still drinks, its still a problem, I can see the unhappiness in him and bad things still happen but less and less just for today.
Anyway, I suggest you examine your motives, not in a guilt ridden kind of way, just an honest look at the drivers within you, this is where your problem lies not in your daughter, its got nothing to do with her.
These comments are just what I needed today from all of you! Thank you! For those of you who have called the police for a wellness check, does the alcoholic find out who called the police or is that information confidential? And what happens if there is no problem found, do the police just leave or is there some sort of report filed? I may need to do this, and I just want to have all the information on hand in case.. I think calling the police in my case might be more effective. I'm not sure if my daughter is attending AA meetings any longer, even though she did while she was in rehab.
This may be me being cynical, quite probably, but I do wish to understand how these fit with our program?
BG, .. I think you could probably talk to the police and ask them not to disclose you called. HOWEVER .. what does your sponsor say about all of this? Are you attending meetings and one 2 months ago doesn't count. I understand your fear, you have no control over if your daughter relapses, or anything else.
Hugs S :)
I'm sure when you go to the meetings and find a sponsor, You can get a healthier perspective
-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 7th of August 2017 09:26:16 PM
You've gotten so much great Alanon experience, strength and hope concerning your first post. I'd like to address the second one about your dau exbf who is back in the picture. In Alanon we say "sometimes hp does for us what we cannot do for ourselves." You now can concentrate on your recovery, your own home life. You may not like him but she is an adult and it's her choice. It's also said in the Alanon program "we're as sick as our secrets." If you haven't heard this before, in part it means that when we hide the truth and are not comfortable about doing it begins to take a toll on our physical and mental well-being. Again... you may not like that the bf told your dau you called her friends but it does afford the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your higher power. You can offer loving support at a distance to your dau. Our hp is always there to guide us to good choices when we reach out and ask to do hp's will rather than ours.
I wish you and your dau continued success on your recovery journeys. ((hugs)) TT
Thanks for the additional comments everyone. I appreciate the time you took to reply. I agree about most of what was said, except the part about not doing a wellness check. That was actually suggested at one of my ftf meetings. I live 1500 mikes away, and that is a way I can make sure something bad hasn't happened, without contacting her friends and without being physically involved myself. I would never forgive myself if she had a fatal seizure and I didn't make that 5 minute call.
When I started to see that I couldn't run someone's life for them I decided to live my life in the most inspiring enjoyable ways possible in the hope that they would decide to join me on my path. It was the best thing I could do at the time and it worked much better than my fixing/managing ever did!! Plus I managed to go to bed with some nicer memories in my head.
It sounds as if you are also learning some new ways to cope.
It is really, really hard to not worry when it's a loved one, esp. when they are a child. There are no hard/fast rules in Al-Anon and what remains constant is just our desire to be/do/learn different and find our own joy/journey.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))) and healing prayers.