"I don't believe it's an accident that we choose the people we do based upon our dysfunctional comfort zone."

Someone asked me to share that statement as it was part of a conversation we were having off the boards. 

Sometimes people are picked in my life .. my parents and immediate family and sometimes I do the picking and we all know how my picker tends to lend itself to the defective side at times. 

It is no accident that I picked the men in my life I have .. I have tried something different this time around and it's interesting .. I'm having more conflict in terms of someone else who happens to have a strong opinion like me .. LOL .. this leads to lots of miscommunications and so on .. the difference is he actually TALKS about stuff .. LOL.  Sometimes I find out I'm wrong .. like New Mexico apparently boarders Texas (Do not ask why that is important however it was important enough to me to get my hackles up in arms and I was wrong .. LOL!!!)  There are times I find out I'm right and I'm learning some interesting stuff.  Actually there are a lot of times I'm right I am learning humility in that area.  Not everyone needs to know I'm RIGHT .. LOL :)

My first two X husbands (there will not be another X husband at least .. LOL) were both addicts, both had alcoholic mothers, both had very difficult upbringings, both struggled to find any kind of financial success .. my first X actually was going to be a trust fund baby, however I doubt that happened only because he couldn't stay out of trouble.  Both also had challenging relationships with their father's in terms of one learned manipulation like a pro the other just pretended nothing was ever really wrong.  Both were emotionally unavailable and I have discovered I am as well .. that is getting better.  I come from a background of divorced parents, alcoholism, drug addiction and not seeing a model of what a healthy relationship actually is to form any kind of healthy models at least.  I hope I am currently breaking that pattern for my kids. 

I did not pick these men by accident.  This was the level of my dysfunctional comfort at the time.  It is sad that is a direct reflection of where my self worth was ... I can sit and deny that I was aware that either had their issues .. I knew on the first date my first X did drugs .. I knew on the first date that my 2nd X had a drinking problem (he had a DUI at the time).  There were a LOT of red flags I took to be welcome mats or challenges .. lol .. plus it gave me the excuse to stay where I was at and not move forward emotionally.  I am much more aware now which is why now I give so much push back to my current guy. 

Anyway, .. just some thoughts ..

As far as family can't choose family .. you can choose how much contact and what kind of contact to have.

Hugs S :)

Serenity,
I see different post about why we get into or stay in relationships with alcoholics and I do not agree that everyone is the same. I think that is wrong of people to try and say that. I am sorry that you had two bad relationships with addicts/alcoholics that you speak of. I have had three relationships with alcoholics because I am an addict/alcoholic. The first two men, I have a lot of nice memories of, and I hold those men in high esteem. We did not stay together but that is life it had nothing to do with any dysfunctions. The last alcoholic man I was in a relationship with I believe has some kind of mental health problem besides his drinking and it was a crazy relationship. I think he is a true narcissists. I do come on this forum and say things that generalize men like this because drugs and alcohol cause brain cells to change and can in fact cause someone to act very bipolar. The only way to tell if they truly have a problem is to know them when they have stopped drinking or using. It is not uncommon at all for people with mental health conditions to self medicate and that would explain some of the crazy behavior. I think it is wrong to try to say we are all like this and that and it can hurt people feelings. I don't believe that we all are dysfunctional in a sense that we are damaged. Alanon is not a program people come to to beat themselves up. I think sometimes people go overboard with some of that. What other people think about what is the right approach and the wrong approach to the program seems to undermine a lot of what is so good about it. It seems like a contradiction to have to prove a point.

I hope you can agree to disagree with anything I said. I really do enjoy your post. I might have taken the things you have said the wrong way, but someone can totally relate to what you are saying and someone else has a entire different thing going on. 

I can relate and agree with everything you have shared here. I see this as the disease of alcoholism already in me before I began relationships with men because even if I look back on my close friendships through school as a child I always picked people I could be comfortable with in relation to my self esteem which really has been low for as long as I can remember back. So I was born into dysfunction and unhealthy thinking caused by the disease of alcoholism whether the drinkers or those effected by the drinking. I think it goes back generations on both sides of my family. So of course I would feel comfort in my comfort zone which is chaos, drama, excitement, never calm rational kind of behaviours or attitudes. Healthy people scared me because I felt they could see me and my fear and insecurity and also I never felt good enough. 

I think its so important for our recovery to look at ourselves right the way through and not to beat ourselves up but to help us understand where weve came from and this understanding is the foundation of recovery because if we dont understand then we cant reach the acceptance part and change cant begin.

Thank you for this.x

Was going to butt in here but think I will chose to mind my own business. Insanity= doing the same thing over again expecting different results. lol. 

I've come to realize that I made bad choices in relationships because of MY disease not their's. I have had four painful disastrous marriages, each worse than the one before. The only non-alcoholic was the first one and over the decades since that relationship ended I have built him up in my mind I think to be much better than he actually was. His life since our marriage ended has been very successful and he became a well-known public figure. But he was a philanderer of the worst sort and I just gave him a "pass" because he wasnt abusive or alcoholic.

Someone in the program told me that we choose partners just like us and I needed to look at myself to find the characteristic I shared with my partners. I'm not sure I believe that since I havent done to my partners what they did to me. Nevertheless I have looked deeply at my flaws and now recognize the parts of me that matched the dysfunction in my AHs. Hard to admit but important to keep me honest in my inventories. I just didnt act like them just shared their character defects.