Martyrdom, Mothering, managing and manipulation. Tick tick tick tick. Yep this was me. Fear driven because I was terrified of the drinking and chaos and crisis and thought I could prevent them if I tried hard enough was pretty enough was nice enough was cooking enough having sex with him enough. Arrogant because I thought I was needed and it was only me that could take care of folk and sort out their crap. I done so much for my family a human sacrifice and then I would get nothing in return. Poor me. I was a master manipulator because I wanted people to behave the way I wanted them to. I wanted life to look like I wanted it too my idea of life was the right one and so I conived conspired planned all sorts to get my way. I sacrificed myself for my way. My way was a strange land a mix of Disney films and little house on the prairie. It could have been beautiful lol.
Iamhere said
May 22, 2017
Great topic el-cee - I remember seeing these and I thought, whatever - just some words that apply to 'everyone'. As my sanity started returning and my powerlessness became more obvious, I began to see me in each of these. I'd spent many years thinking this was 'normal'. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the word 'normal' is so overrated!
I prefer to consider my actions as healthy vs. unhealthy. It's healthy to be of service, it's unhealthy to manipulate or manage every situation with my ego. A good parent loves their child, and has motherly tendencies; an unhealthy parent/mom can smother another as a 'mother'. And of course, for a long while in my life, everyone else was at fault and I was so giving, so self-less, so ..... and why would they do me like that - total martyr naturally after years of practicing the role.
I'm grateful that Al-Anon allows me to see unhealthy responses and make a choice to improve, change or continue. For me, as a stubborn soul, I usually 'see' a need for change when there is enough pain. I am giving chances each day to practice kindness, self-care, trust, unconditional love and more. I do better some days than others.
I think the 4 M(s) take time to assess - my ego and denial were too large when I arrived to see me in them. Not so much any longer - I can not deny that I played a part in much of the chaos, drama and insanity in my circumstances.
Thanks for bringing this here!
Lyne said
May 22, 2017
Yes I thank you too because I have never heard of the 4 M's. I know the 3 A's, and the 3 C's. I plan to think about these in light of myself and my behaviors. I currently have serious problems in my family causing me pain. Let me look harder at myself, Lyne
el-cee said
May 22, 2017
Thanks, I was surprised when I came across these too Lyne. Iamhere, I like what you say about how the 4 ms are almost like healthy behaviours that have gotten a bit extreme due to the disease of alcoholism. Ive heard AA speakers talk about their behaviours that may have begun with healthy motives but have become distorted due to the disease. So its like the recovery programmes are just trying to pull is into the healthy zone again, its all about balance.
Iamhere said
May 22, 2017
(((Lyne))) - so sorry that you are troubled with family matters. It is these relationships that tend to cause me the most 'reflection'. These are, after all, the people I am connected to by blood and care about very, very deeply. I am at my parents, and just took a long walk. They live in a beautiful area (AZ) with mountains on most sides. Lovely sunshine and just a beautiful day.
I never know why things pop into my brain, so in the best effort of KIS (Keep it Simple) and my spiritual program, I just believe it's for a reason. As I was headed back to their home, I considered where we are and must admit....felt that God is very proud of me! This is a first - I know he loves me but proud of me was a new feeling.
I am the youngest and the only girl. I was beyond rebellious and entered recovery (AA) as a total mess - alienated from all family, disowned completely, broken, broke and very, very sick. 30 years later, me, the black sheep am the most helpful to my parents, and have a relationship with all in my family except one - my brother closest in age. We are cordial but he's never forgiven me. I'm OK with that - it is what it is and I'm grateful to have the other 30-40 members in my circle.
So - I share just because not a single person who 'knew me then' ever thought I'd be here now....including me. I truly expected to be dead well before 50, and rightfully so. Yet, the gift of desperation brought me to recovery and here I am. The road has been long and winding with many breakdowns (i.e. my sober husband relapsed never to return, both of my sons have the disease, my mom is now a full-fledged daily drinker who wants to die, etc.) - the disease is all around me, in 3 generations and it no longer hurts or angers me - just makes me sad.
I have to emulate that which I strive for. I can't say I am working a spiritual program, and then keep trying to manage things that aren't mine to manage. I can't say I forgive others and then throw into their face all they did wrong. I can only change 'me' - one day at a time.
I would not recommend this for everyone but will share that if you have enough recovery to mentally replace the word alcohol with the term alcoholic, both the Big Book and the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions are yet another resource to help with 'deep-dive program effort'. Not everyone can do this, especially if they are still resenting the disease and the diseased, but it's just more literature to help AND it's the original which Al-Anon literature was structured from.....just a thought - both of these are available online as are most of the daily meditations for the other side of the program.
el-cee - Since I came to recovery with such black/white thinking, my sponsor has worked really hard to have me see 'shades of gray' wherever possible. My thinking for as long as I can remember has been like that - right/wrong, good/bad - so adding in some shades of gray helps me be more gentle with me when I'm working the program and steps. I believe all our defects are actually assets that we just 'abuse'....
For me, as a double winner, I fall into the category of 'more'. I always wanted more - booze, drugs, food, money, love, acceptance, respect. Working the program is the only remedy where I am enough and I have enough and I will be OK...grateful for recovery and a lovely awesome sponsor!!
Aline said
May 22, 2017
Thank you for this reminder, el-cee... I'd half-forgotten about the 4 Ms... Wrote them down now in my go-to note when I'm feeling down.
Martyrdom, Mothering, managing and manipulation. Tick tick tick tick. Yep this was me. Fear driven because I was terrified of the drinking and chaos and crisis and thought I could prevent them if I tried hard enough was pretty enough was nice enough was cooking enough having sex with him enough. Arrogant because I thought I was needed and it was only me that could take care of folk and sort out their crap. I done so much for my family a human sacrifice and then I would get nothing in return. Poor me. I was a master manipulator because I wanted people to behave the way I wanted them to. I wanted life to look like I wanted it too my idea of life was the right one and so I conived conspired planned all sorts to get my way. I sacrificed myself for my way. My way was a strange land a mix of Disney films and little house on the prairie. It could have been beautiful lol.
I prefer to consider my actions as healthy vs. unhealthy. It's healthy to be of service, it's unhealthy to manipulate or manage every situation with my ego. A good parent loves their child, and has motherly tendencies; an unhealthy parent/mom can smother another as a 'mother'. And of course, for a long while in my life, everyone else was at fault and I was so giving, so self-less, so ..... and why would they do me like that - total martyr naturally after years of practicing the role.
I'm grateful that Al-Anon allows me to see unhealthy responses and make a choice to improve, change or continue. For me, as a stubborn soul, I usually 'see' a need for change when there is enough pain. I am giving chances each day to practice kindness, self-care, trust, unconditional love and more. I do better some days than others.
I think the 4 M(s) take time to assess - my ego and denial were too large when I arrived to see me in them. Not so much any longer - I can not deny that I played a part in much of the chaos, drama and insanity in my circumstances.
Thanks for bringing this here!
I never know why things pop into my brain, so in the best effort of KIS (Keep it Simple) and my spiritual program, I just believe it's for a reason. As I was headed back to their home, I considered where we are and must admit....felt that God is very proud of me! This is a first - I know he loves me but proud of me was a new feeling.
I am the youngest and the only girl. I was beyond rebellious and entered recovery (AA) as a total mess - alienated from all family, disowned completely, broken, broke and very, very sick. 30 years later, me, the black sheep am the most helpful to my parents, and have a relationship with all in my family except one - my brother closest in age. We are cordial but he's never forgiven me. I'm OK with that - it is what it is and I'm grateful to have the other 30-40 members in my circle.
So - I share just because not a single person who 'knew me then' ever thought I'd be here now....including me. I truly expected to be dead well before 50, and rightfully so. Yet, the gift of desperation brought me to recovery and here I am. The road has been long and winding with many breakdowns (i.e. my sober husband relapsed never to return, both of my sons have the disease, my mom is now a full-fledged daily drinker who wants to die, etc.) - the disease is all around me, in 3 generations and it no longer hurts or angers me - just makes me sad.
I have to emulate that which I strive for. I can't say I am working a spiritual program, and then keep trying to manage things that aren't mine to manage. I can't say I forgive others and then throw into their face all they did wrong. I can only change 'me' - one day at a time.
I would not recommend this for everyone but will share that if you have enough recovery to mentally replace the word alcohol with the term alcoholic, both the Big Book and the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions are yet another resource to help with 'deep-dive program effort'. Not everyone can do this, especially if they are still resenting the disease and the diseased, but it's just more literature to help AND it's the original which Al-Anon literature was structured from.....just a thought - both of these are available online as are most of the daily meditations for the other side of the program.
el-cee - Since I came to recovery with such black/white thinking, my sponsor has worked really hard to have me see 'shades of gray' wherever possible. My thinking for as long as I can remember has been like that - right/wrong, good/bad - so adding in some shades of gray helps me be more gentle with me when I'm working the program and steps. I believe all our defects are actually assets that we just 'abuse'....
For me, as a double winner, I fall into the category of 'more'. I always wanted more - booze, drugs, food, money, love, acceptance, respect. Working the program is the only remedy where I am enough and I have enough and I will be OK...grateful for recovery and a lovely awesome sponsor!!