A constant source of pain for me is that since my A offended my son and dtr-in-law on XMas eve, they have not seen her nor spoken to her. My son is also very angry at me for not leaving her. He does not understand Alanon and how I am detached with like/love, and how I will figure out my future in my time. I suggested he try program but of course he wasn't open to the idea. They may turn down a wonderful free summer vacation at the ocean which they love, because they are holding out for I'm not sure what. I have been trying to detach with love from my son, which is a huge challenge. And we have a granddaughter who has seen my spouse about twice since Dec. I admit a am least successful using my tools with my son. Any feedback will be appreciated. I am going to visit them today but my spouse is not welcome. I never expected anything like this to happen. And I know I can only control myself. Lyne
Iamhere said
May 21, 2017
Lyne - so very sorry ... I have 2 sons and there have been some extremely strained moments in our family relationship. My oldest has 2 children and they have been held hostage to me (my words) at times when there has been conflict. My sponsor just kept asking me what I could do differently. Over and over and over again. What we finally found that I could do was to be me (not us), speak for me (not us) and be of service without being controlling or enabling.
I am allowed to say things such as, "I am sorry that that happened." "I understand why you're angry/upset/sad/etc." "I would change the past if I could."
Loving, simple statements that did not place blame, suggest a cure and/or pick a side. I offered to baby-sit so they could have a date night. I offered to bring over dinner to see the kids. Small, simple things that were helpful for them and I left my ego, hurt and expectations at my own home, in the closet in a locked box.
The relationships are still strained most days. Both of mine typically call only when they need or want something. I am hopeful always that this is a by-product of age/stage/maturity. I retain my rights always to say what I mean, mean what I say but I don't JADE for the past, my AH or their thoughts/feelings. I practice a ton of locked lips around my sons as I tend to step in it if I'm not careful. It is what it is.
Taking God with me and staying in just that moment help me too. Family relationships are very, very hard and in mine, we tend to really take things personally. Bless Them, Change Me is on the tip of my tongue often/always when we're planning a get-together.
HTH - have a great time and sending you tons of thoughts and prayers!
Mattie said
May 21, 2017
I think the sad truth is that alcoholism has consequences, and these are some of the consequences. It is reasonable for everyone to set their own boundaries, and it sounds as if your son and daughter-in-law have set those boundaries for themselves. Whatever the degree of your own detachment from your A, if you are still with your A and wouldn't socialize alone, that will mean that your son and daughter-in-law will not be seeing you either. I think it is great that you are open to seeing them separately. It sounds to me as if they are putting healthy boundaries in place and that's what we all want for ourselves and our loved ones. There's no getting around the fact that alcoholism does leave pain in its wake. Take care of yourself.
A constant source of pain for me is that since my A offended my son and dtr-in-law on XMas eve, they have not seen her nor spoken to her. My son is also very angry at me for not leaving her. He does not understand Alanon and how I am detached with like/love, and how I will figure out my future in my time. I suggested he try program but of course he wasn't open to the idea. They may turn down a wonderful free summer vacation at the ocean which they love, because they are holding out for I'm not sure what. I have been trying to detach with love from my son, which is a huge challenge. And we have a granddaughter who has seen my spouse about twice since Dec. I admit a am least successful using my tools with my son. Any feedback will be appreciated. I am going to visit them today but my spouse is not welcome. I never expected anything like this to happen. And I know I can only control myself. Lyne
I am allowed to say things such as, "I am sorry that that happened." "I understand why you're angry/upset/sad/etc." "I would change the past if I could."
Loving, simple statements that did not place blame, suggest a cure and/or pick a side. I offered to baby-sit so they could have a date night. I offered to bring over dinner to see the kids. Small, simple things that were helpful for them and I left my ego, hurt and expectations at my own home, in the closet in a locked box.
The relationships are still strained most days. Both of mine typically call only when they need or want something. I am hopeful always that this is a by-product of age/stage/maturity. I retain my rights always to say what I mean, mean what I say but I don't JADE for the past, my AH or their thoughts/feelings. I practice a ton of locked lips around my sons as I tend to step in it if I'm not careful. It is what it is.
Taking God with me and staying in just that moment help me too. Family relationships are very, very hard and in mine, we tend to really take things personally. Bless Them, Change Me is on the tip of my tongue often/always when we're planning a get-together.
HTH - have a great time and sending you tons of thoughts and prayers!
I think the sad truth is that alcoholism has consequences, and these are some of the consequences. It is reasonable for everyone to set their own boundaries, and it sounds as if your son and daughter-in-law have set those boundaries for themselves. Whatever the degree of your own detachment from your A, if you are still with your A and wouldn't socialize alone, that will mean that your son and daughter-in-law will not be seeing you either. I think it is great that you are open to seeing them separately. It sounds to me as if they are putting healthy boundaries in place and that's what we all want for ourselves and our loved ones. There's no getting around the fact that alcoholism does leave pain in its wake. Take care of yourself.