Yesterday I came home to my AH drunk. I did all my post-work stuff, and finally got a moment to put my feet up with a cool drink. When what do I hear, but my AH yelling from our bedroom. Now, we usually watch TV in different rooms b/c he is usually drinking (but hiding it) and he has to have the TV up so damn loud that I cannot stand it. It has gotten so bad, that I also have to close some doors in between the bedroom and the living room.
So my AH wasn't just yelling, but yelling my name! Since I just sat down and had my feet up, I didn't want to walk all the way to the bedroom to see what in the hell he wanted. So I just yelled back, "What do you want?"
"Come here!" he said. So, I get up, walk to the bedroom and he is sprawled out on the bed and says, "Here, look at this video," and tosses his phone to me. I take a deep breath and calmly tell him, "Why did you yell at me to come see this? I just sat down for Pete's sake!" "Why couldn't you come to me, if it was this important?" Yes, I was irritated b/c this was after a long day at work, and I knew he had come home at 10:30 am and sat on the couch drinking.
So he grabs the phone back and says, "Well, OK!" "I'll come to you!"
Another deep breath... "I am already here now, so what did you want me to see?" He gives me the phone, and it is a video of the homerun that was hit by the Dodgers during our wedding/reception in 1988. WTH? I couldn't figure out why he wanted me to see this, so I asked him, "Why?"
He just said, "It's the video of the homerun hit during our wedding."
I just can't figure out why this was so important to him!! So weird! But, I remembered that he was drinking, so you can't figure them out anyway. I am guessing that in some misguided notion, he was trying to get me to connect to the "good ol'times." LMAO!!! Why would he even think that I would have fond memories of that? That moment actually took away from our special day b/c everyone was glued to the TV that one of his moronic friends brought to the reception! At the time I was a good sport about it - b/c really, what could I have done about it? But why would anyone think that would bring me the "warm fuzzies?" The funny thing is, he got all pissy at me for not gushing on about the video.
Then, I picked up my teen from a get-together at his friend's house and he was slurring his words. I said, "Really, you've been drinking?" "Seriously?" But I didn't react by yelling or crying, my blood didn't boil, I didn't react from a place of fear (of him becoming like his dad). I just explained that he would not be allowed to go to that friend's house again (the parent was in the next room while they were all drinking!), and even though he had a band parade, an ortho appointment and then he had to work the U2 concert, he had to do all those things regardless of how hungover he was. Those were the consequences of his poor choices. And of course he had to clean up all the vomit in his bed! LOL!
Of course today I talked again to my son about the possibility of a genetic predisposition to addiction. It actually was a very long conversation with a lot of good feedback from my son. Hopefully, he will have "learned his lesson."
Then later in the day, my AH was walking around the house moaning and sighing... eventually he said, "Why is it that I haven't had a drink in 8 days and I feel even worse today?" Are you kidding me? Does he think I buy this? Just quacking, quacking, quacking! LOL! I just told him I had no idea why. But now I am beginning to wonder if he even remembers that he drank the day before? Most people would say yes, but he has serious memory issues (not just about drinking)... before I found out about his alcoholism, I was pushing him to get an evaluation for early onset Alzheimer's! Of course, now I don't push about anything
Anyway, it's been a challenging two days!
shrnp said
May 21, 2017
It sounds like your husband loves you very much even if he shows it in weird ways.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 22, 2017
shrnp, you know, i think he does... just not enough to put down the bottle.
MissM said
May 22, 2017
I can relate. My guy went through several hopeless patches where he lay on his bed all day every day watching garbage on youtube while I handled everything- and he would call me in to see the most pointless, stupid videos. It would drive me insane and yeah they were often things that seemed like they were meant to get under my skin, for example other girl's video-blogs about things I am into and how great they were. He saw this as showing an interest...I saw it as rubbing in my face the fact that I had no time or energy to do anything for myself much less get prettied up and make youtube videos. Gah.
Anyway the point is I did draw a boundary that said if you wish to speak to me, come and see me, don't summon me like a servant because I won't respond unless there is a very good reason you can't get up and come to me. And then I just stuck to it and he adjusted and instead would tell me about all of the great videos I missed out on that day because "I can't bring my whole computer to where you are". lol. I found that consequence acceptable and stuck to my boundary
Hugs and sorry for your rotten weekend.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 22, 2017
Thank you for your response, MissM. I am going to do exactly that from now on... "I just sat down, can you come to me?" Perfect!
Iamhere said
May 22, 2017
Hey PnP - great use of tools!! All 3 of the males at my home talk at me or scream for me from other rooms, sometimes on other floors. I found this to be annoying as can be and disrespectful - drove me nuts before recovery.
When I realized this was affecting my serenity, my sponsor suggested I look for my part. I could not 'see' my part. She then asked a simple question - What would happen if you did not answer? Her suggestion - Do Nothing. Say Nothing. I was confused as I thought this was rude and selfish. (My warped thinking)...
I did as suggested, and it took a while but now all 3 come to the room I am in if they want something or even to chat. So, my detaching from my own way of responding resulted in a good outcome. As I worked to process all this, I realized that I had appointed myself the queen of all things. In that role, I tried to be everything to everyone. As I worked the program to set aside this role, I realized I don't have to respond and reply to everything said to me, of me, around me, etc.
My 'Act as If' in this scenario was I had earplugs in or I didn't hear them. It is unhealthy for me when I am acting as if I am in a waiting state for when another wants/needs me. I created this scenario in the first place by being willing to always stop what I was doing and reacting/responding to 'them'. I thought it was basic courtesy and respect. This, for me, was not the case - instead I was discourteous to myself and disrespecting myself by allowing another to change the course of my self-care.
We talk in Al-Anon about teaching others how to treat us. Every scenario is different but I have found that when I can find a different way to respond, the outcomes change. (((Hugs)))
shrnp said
May 23, 2017
I like this that Iamhere said, " What would happen if you did not answer?" I have one adult male and a little five year male old yelling at me sometimes. It is so much easier just walking down the hall to see what they want, or just to do whatever they are asking about. I will have to try this, it might be funny because I know they are both capable of taking care of more than they do around the house.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 24, 2017
Iamhere & shrnp - I have actually done this very thing (mostly b/c I was pissed off that they were always yelling for me from other rooms). My son would just come get me, but my AH would actually get pissed at me and say something like, "Why aren't you answering me?" in his "best" pissy voice.
But I can really relate to Iamhere's post... I DO try to be everything to everyone... part of my perfectionism, I guess. I am currently trying to purposely not handle everything. This also creates anxiety for me, as there are still dirty dishes in the sink from last week! But, not my dishes... I wash those myself. Many household "chores" have gone undone...
KT2015 said
May 24, 2017
Hey PosiesandPuppies,
It sounds like a challenging weekend. When you said he loves you very much just not enough to put down the bottle I remember feeling that exact way. I used to think that if my husband loved me enough he would stop drinking. I caused myself a lot of pain and heartache with that one when the truth is no matter how much he loves me I am powerless over alcohol. The addiction over rides everything. When people compared alcoholism to a disease it made me mad but now I kind of get it. I don't think my AH wakes up in the morning and thinks "I'm going to drink my day away today and cause problems for my wife and child". I caused myself a lot of heartache by pitting myself against the booze and I lost every time. I doubted my husband's love for me and his daughter too because I felt he was choosing it over us. I actually heard this in a movie and probably at a meeting too but now I truly believe that my AH doesn't drink because he hates me he drinks because he hates himself and it is just very sad to see. As I started to put the focus on myself and take the focus off him his drinking bothered me less and less. I've come to the conclusion that my AH loves me the very best that he can but he has a disease and I need to keep myself at a safe emotional distance from that disease. I take my relationship one day at a time in regards to how much I can live with the disease. I love the person but I hate the disease. I know it's so hard to live with active alcoholism. You're doing great. Keep working your program!
Sot working my tools hard this weekend.
Yesterday I came home to my AH drunk. I did all my post-work stuff, and finally got a moment to put my feet up with a cool drink. When what do I hear, but my AH yelling from our bedroom. Now, we usually watch TV in different rooms b/c he is usually drinking (but hiding it) and he has to have the TV up so damn loud that I cannot stand it. It has gotten so bad, that I also have to close some doors in between the bedroom and the living room.
So my AH wasn't just yelling, but yelling my name! Since I just sat down and had my feet up, I didn't want to walk all the way to the bedroom to see what in the hell he wanted. So I just yelled back, "What do you want?"
"Come here!" he said. So, I get up, walk to the bedroom and he is sprawled out on the bed and says, "Here, look at this video," and tosses his phone to me. I take a deep breath and calmly tell him, "Why did you yell at me to come see this? I just sat down for Pete's sake!" "Why couldn't you come to me, if it was this important?" Yes, I was irritated b/c this was after a long day at work, and I knew he had come home at 10:30 am and sat on the couch drinking.
So he grabs the phone back and says, "Well, OK!" "I'll come to you!"
Another deep breath... "I am already here now, so what did you want me to see?" He gives me the phone, and it is a video of the homerun that was hit by the Dodgers during our wedding/reception in 1988. WTH? I couldn't figure out why he wanted me to see this, so I asked him, "Why?"
He just said, "It's the video of the homerun hit during our wedding."
I just can't figure out why this was so important to him!! So weird! But, I remembered that he was drinking, so you can't figure them out anyway. I am guessing that in some misguided notion, he was trying to get me to connect to the "good ol'times." LMAO!!! Why would he even think that I would have fond memories of that? That moment actually took away from our special day b/c everyone was glued to the TV that one of his moronic friends brought to the reception! At the time I was a good sport about it - b/c really, what could I have done about it? But why would anyone think that would bring me the "warm fuzzies?" The funny thing is, he got all pissy at me for not gushing on about the video.
Then, I picked up my teen from a get-together at his friend's house and he was slurring his words. I said, "Really, you've been drinking?" "Seriously?" But I didn't react by yelling or crying, my blood didn't boil, I didn't react from a place of fear (of him becoming like his dad). I just explained that he would not be allowed to go to that friend's house again (the parent was in the next room while they were all drinking!), and even though he had a band parade, an ortho appointment and then he had to work the U2 concert, he had to do all those things regardless of how hungover he was. Those were the consequences of his poor choices. And of course he had to clean up all the vomit in his bed! LOL!
Of course today I talked again to my son about the possibility of a genetic predisposition to addiction. It actually was a very long conversation with a lot of good feedback from my son. Hopefully, he will have "learned his lesson."
Then later in the day, my AH was walking around the house moaning and sighing... eventually he said, "Why is it that I haven't had a drink in 8 days and I feel even worse today?" Are you kidding me? Does he think I buy this? Just quacking, quacking, quacking! LOL! I just told him I had no idea why. But now I am beginning to wonder if he even remembers that he drank the day before? Most people would say yes, but he has serious memory issues (not just about drinking)... before I found out about his alcoholism, I was pushing him to get an evaluation for early onset Alzheimer's! Of course, now I don't push about anything
Anyway, it's been a challenging two days!
Anyway the point is I did draw a boundary that said if you wish to speak to me, come and see me, don't summon me like a servant because I won't respond unless there is a very good reason you can't get up and come to me. And then I just stuck to it and he adjusted and instead would tell me about all of the great videos I missed out on that day because "I can't bring my whole computer to where you are". lol. I found that consequence acceptable and stuck to my boundary
Hugs and sorry for your rotten weekend.
When I realized this was affecting my serenity, my sponsor suggested I look for my part. I could not 'see' my part. She then asked a simple question - What would happen if you did not answer? Her suggestion - Do Nothing. Say Nothing. I was confused as I thought this was rude and selfish. (My warped thinking)...
I did as suggested, and it took a while but now all 3 come to the room I am in if they want something or even to chat. So, my detaching from my own way of responding resulted in a good outcome. As I worked to process all this, I realized that I had appointed myself the queen of all things. In that role, I tried to be everything to everyone. As I worked the program to set aside this role, I realized I don't have to respond and reply to everything said to me, of me, around me, etc.
My 'Act as If' in this scenario was I had earplugs in or I didn't hear them. It is unhealthy for me when I am acting as if I am in a waiting state for when another wants/needs me. I created this scenario in the first place by being willing to always stop what I was doing and reacting/responding to 'them'. I thought it was basic courtesy and respect. This, for me, was not the case - instead I was discourteous to myself and disrespecting myself by allowing another to change the course of my self-care.
We talk in Al-Anon about teaching others how to treat us. Every scenario is different but I have found that when I can find a different way to respond, the outcomes change. (((Hugs)))
But I can really relate to Iamhere's post... I DO try to be everything to everyone... part of my perfectionism, I guess. I am currently trying to purposely not handle everything. This also creates anxiety for me, as there are still dirty dishes in the sink from last week! But, not my dishes... I wash those myself. Many household "chores" have gone undone...
It sounds like a challenging weekend. When you said he loves you very much just not enough to put down the bottle I remember feeling that exact way. I used to think that if my husband loved me enough he would stop drinking. I caused myself a lot of pain and heartache with that one when the truth is no matter how much he loves me I am powerless over alcohol. The addiction over rides everything. When people compared alcoholism to a disease it made me mad but now I kind of get it. I don't think my AH wakes up in the morning and thinks "I'm going to drink my day away today and cause problems for my wife and child". I caused myself a lot of heartache by pitting myself against the booze and I lost every time. I doubted my husband's love for me and his daughter too because I felt he was choosing it over us. I actually heard this in a movie and probably at a meeting too but now I truly believe that my AH doesn't drink because he hates me he drinks because he hates himself and it is just very sad to see. As I started to put the focus on myself and take the focus off him his drinking bothered me less and less. I've come to the conclusion that my AH loves me the very best that he can but he has a disease and I need to keep myself at a safe emotional distance from that disease. I take my relationship one day at a time in regards to how much I can live with the disease. I love the person but I hate the disease. I know it's so hard to live with active alcoholism. You're doing great. Keep working your program!