New to the forum & alanon. Dealing with anger & mourning.
new said
May 20, 2017
Quick summary: Started dating a sober man who was dealing with depression. Fell in love with him in part based on how honest he was about his battle with depression.
We moved to another state together. He was prescribed a new medication by his new physician. My ex was very happy with this new medication because he was no longer depressed, but I could see he was manic and acting different. Within a few months he was drinking again and very heavily (whole bottles of liquor a night) and then he started doing cocaine as well. And soon he was doing cocaine from 9am till 3am. He lied. He made it my fault. He told his family and friends that I was the problem and they bullied me relentlessly. He cheated. He said horrible things. He ruined career opportunities for me. He made my life a living hell.
I'm sure this is not a new story for the forum. But this is my first time telling it in an Alanon related environment.
At first, I was very sad and worried about breaking up and leaving him. But his family and friends made our home so hostile that I had to leave.
He flossed his teeth while he watched me pack up my things and leave. He is/was a monster.
I can't believe I tried to help him for 16 months. I put my whole life on hold basically to try and get help for him.
I feel like I made it out before he ruined my whole life. But he got pretty darn close to ruining many things for me.
And the reason I sought out this forum today is because I hate him. I know that's not PC to say. But I do. And his friends. And his family.
I've worked a lot on forgiving him and made some huge strides but for some reason this weekend I'm back to hate.
I'm sad that I keep winding up here -in the mad place. I want to let this go. I want to forgive him but I'm furious. Any suggestions for dealing with this anger? I definitely am not enjoying feeling it.
I am exercising, meditating, journaling and still the hate comes over me like a wave, out of nowhere, I'll remember something and I'm angry again.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 20, 2017
Hugs, new.
I am sorry that you are experiencing hatred due to HIS addiction issue. But I have felt that the anger needs to be felt so that you can move through and heal. I am sure others will chime in that have way more Al-Anon experience than I. I do know for myself, that the more I work this program, and concentrate on ME, the more my hatred subsides. Interesting.
Blessings and peace to you.
Iamhere said
May 21, 2017
Hello new - welcome to MIP! I'm so glad you found us and glad you shared. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease and it reaches beyond the user to those who love or live with them. Al-Anon is for the family and friends who've been affected by the disease. What we discover is that we too are affected and have become powerless over the person, the substance and/or the circumstance. We work the 12 Steps for ourselves, our recovery and our sanity.
For many, myself included, as the disease circles, we try to fight it and hope to cure or control. We end up with distorted thinking, raw emotions and a sense of despair. I landed in Al-Anon very broken, desperate, angry and more. I took everything personally and felt lonely, isolated and like a failure.
What I learned as I began attending meetings and studying the literature is I was affected by this disease. I could not cure it or control it and I did not cause it. No matter the words spoken at me, to me or about me, I could deal with how the disease affected me and heal myself. However, I was totally powerless over other people, places and things.
I can relate to the anger and how it ebbed and flowed. I would feel as if I had processed it and other emotions, only to find small things triggering it to return. I believe it is what it is and what I had to feel to heal. I've always felt that feelings are real yet they are not facts. The 12 Steps of this program, attending meetings and a good sponsor helped me to find different ways of thinking and processing where I could get through to the other side.
I am sorry for how the disease has affected you. I am hopeful you'll try to find some meetings and attend. We try to focus on one day at a time in recovery, using the past to learn from and allowing the future to unfold. We work to keep our focus on ourselves and to let go of the diseased and dreams.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
new said
May 21, 2017
Thank you so much. I thought about what you said all night and it was helpful.
I think to focus on myself when I'm feeling like I am spinning towards dark thoughts is a great suggestion.
I was speaking to a friend about it last night and I decided that when I feel myself on the edge of anger or ruminating I may make myself do some sit ups, push ups-or something like that. That is if I am not in public. It sounds a bit weird to do that, but for me releasing emotions through physical activity offers relief very quickly. And the results of enforced sit ups etc...will benefit me in the long run.
-- Edited by new on Sunday 21st of May 2017 10:55:45 AM
new said
May 21, 2017
I honestly (and this shows how green I am in regards to Alanon) never thought of approaching it with 12 steps on my own.
Thank you for educating me. That helped adjust my thinking.
During the dark days of my relationship, someone said to me (who had experience with addictions) that I was just as sick as my boyfriend. That I needed to realize that I was in an addiction pattern too. I really didn't want to hear that then. But I am open to hearing that now.
And seeing it as something that I need to recover from as well is a great way of seeing it.
This isn't an average break-up where I can move on somewhat seamlessly. This break-up and the addiction cycle leading up to the break-up were deeply damaging and I need to repair before I can move on.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I will try and find a meeting near me this week.
Iamhere said
May 21, 2017
New - we all share our ESH - the beauty of recovery is it works because those who recover are willing to share with others, and so on and so forth! Not all meetings are created equal, so if you find one that doesn't feel right, don't quit on you.....find another and another and you'll find a good 'home'. I also did not have an open mind when I first went, and looked for how my life/situation was unique! I had to be taught to keep an open mind and look for similarities!
While we all come with a different back story, we have common emotions and a common cause - the disease of alcoholism. Let us know how it goes - my hope is you find hope and help as I did!
(((Hugs)))
shrnp said
May 21, 2017
Welcome to the forum new,
It sounds like you are identifying with your feelings. I felt hatred often during my relationship with my A ex-bf. It does take time to start over and these relationships will change who we are, but it does get better. A big step is just realizing the problem and not letting it take over your life. I did move in with my A after he told me he had this great job. I moved to another state also, and when I got there he did not have any job at all. I was not able to move back to where I came from and it took me over three years to get out of the relationship. One thing great about Alanon is that you are not alone, I am glad you found us.
Quick summary: Started dating a sober man who was dealing with depression. Fell in love with him in part based on how honest he was about his battle with depression.
We moved to another state together. He was prescribed a new medication by his new physician. My ex was very happy with this new medication because he was no longer depressed, but I could see he was manic and acting different. Within a few months he was drinking again and very heavily (whole bottles of liquor a night) and then he started doing cocaine as well. And soon he was doing cocaine from 9am till 3am. He lied. He made it my fault. He told his family and friends that I was the problem and they bullied me relentlessly. He cheated. He said horrible things. He ruined career opportunities for me. He made my life a living hell.
I'm sure this is not a new story for the forum. But this is my first time telling it in an Alanon related environment.
At first, I was very sad and worried about breaking up and leaving him. But his family and friends made our home so hostile that I had to leave.
He flossed his teeth while he watched me pack up my things and leave. He is/was a monster.
I can't believe I tried to help him for 16 months. I put my whole life on hold basically to try and get help for him.
I feel like I made it out before he ruined my whole life. But he got pretty darn close to ruining many things for me.
And the reason I sought out this forum today is because I hate him. I know that's not PC to say. But I do. And his friends. And his family.
I've worked a lot on forgiving him and made some huge strides but for some reason this weekend I'm back to hate.
I'm sad that I keep winding up here -in the mad place. I want to let this go. I want to forgive him but I'm furious. Any suggestions for dealing with this anger? I definitely am not enjoying feeling it.
I am exercising, meditating, journaling and still the hate comes over me like a wave, out of nowhere, I'll remember something and I'm angry again.
I am sorry that you are experiencing hatred due to HIS addiction issue. But I have felt that the anger needs to be felt so that you can move through and heal. I am sure others will chime in that have way more Al-Anon experience than I. I do know for myself, that the more I work this program, and concentrate on ME, the more my hatred subsides. Interesting.
Blessings and peace to you.
For many, myself included, as the disease circles, we try to fight it and hope to cure or control. We end up with distorted thinking, raw emotions and a sense of despair. I landed in Al-Anon very broken, desperate, angry and more. I took everything personally and felt lonely, isolated and like a failure.
What I learned as I began attending meetings and studying the literature is I was affected by this disease. I could not cure it or control it and I did not cause it. No matter the words spoken at me, to me or about me, I could deal with how the disease affected me and heal myself. However, I was totally powerless over other people, places and things.
I can relate to the anger and how it ebbed and flowed. I would feel as if I had processed it and other emotions, only to find small things triggering it to return. I believe it is what it is and what I had to feel to heal. I've always felt that feelings are real yet they are not facts. The 12 Steps of this program, attending meetings and a good sponsor helped me to find different ways of thinking and processing where I could get through to the other side.
I am sorry for how the disease has affected you. I am hopeful you'll try to find some meetings and attend. We try to focus on one day at a time in recovery, using the past to learn from and allowing the future to unfold. We work to keep our focus on ourselves and to let go of the diseased and dreams.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Thank you so much. I thought about what you said all night and it was helpful.
I think to focus on myself when I'm feeling like I am spinning towards dark thoughts is a great suggestion.
I was speaking to a friend about it last night and I decided that when I feel myself on the edge of anger or ruminating I may make myself do some sit ups, push ups-or something like that. That is if I am not in public. It sounds a bit weird to do that, but for me releasing emotions through physical activity offers relief very quickly. And the results of enforced sit ups etc...will benefit me in the long run.
-- Edited by new on Sunday 21st of May 2017 10:55:45 AM
I honestly (and this shows how green I am in regards to Alanon) never thought of approaching it with 12 steps on my own.
Thank you for educating me. That helped adjust my thinking.
During the dark days of my relationship, someone said to me (who had experience with addictions) that I was just as sick as my boyfriend. That I needed to realize that I was in an addiction pattern too. I really didn't want to hear that then. But I am open to hearing that now.
And seeing it as something that I need to recover from as well is a great way of seeing it.
This isn't an average break-up where I can move on somewhat seamlessly. This break-up and the addiction cycle leading up to the break-up were deeply damaging and I need to repair before I can move on.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I will try and find a meeting near me this week.
While we all come with a different back story, we have common emotions and a common cause - the disease of alcoholism. Let us know how it goes - my hope is you find hope and help as I did!
(((Hugs)))
It sounds like you are identifying with your feelings. I felt hatred often during my relationship with my A ex-bf. It does take time to start over and these relationships will change who we are, but it does get better. A big step is just realizing the problem and not letting it take over your life. I did move in with my A after he told me he had this great job. I moved to another state also, and when I got there he did not have any job at all. I was not able to move back to where I came from and it took me over three years to get out of the relationship. One thing great about Alanon is that you are not alone, I am glad you found us.