Spent some time with a very drunk A today. I made a judgement call...daughter was away for the night and he turned up all hot and sexy, demanding, "you've got 10 minutes. Get dressed up and we are going out". I did. Shoot me, it's been a while. It was fun, for a short while. Watching him shoot pool...he's so good at it. It was fun being dressed up and feeling cute. I enjoyed it. Guys hit on me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Then he got drunk and weird and it stopped being fun....like I knew it would I guess....I know I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place but it's been so long. And I love him, you know? I so want to believe we can still go out and have fun.
When it was time to go home he got into a fight. Nothing new...that's how every night we have ever spent together has ended. He punching on with some other drunk guys. But he was weird when I got in the car. Weird and angry. When we got back to my place he was so weird and angry I refused to unlock my house. I sat down on my doorstep and told him, I'm not going inside with you. And I didn't. The guy next door is friggin huge so he can't force me to go inside...if I stay outside, I'm safe.
He left, after telling me a bunch of irrational crap about how I am seeing "some other guy"
And then he started calling. Over and over, screaming at me. "Mel, I %%$#@ love you, you B#@! why can't you see that".
It went on and on. I called the cops. I was just done.
last I heard, he was screaming at me because he had broken down by the side of the road and it was my fault because he loves me so much.
I called his brother also and last I heard, brochacho was on his way to pick him up.
And my heart hurts. They both know I called the cops. He screamed at me, in that last call, "this is it Mel. This is you ending us. I love you so %$^#ing muchYou $#%#ing Bitch. ".
He's still calling. My phone is ringing right now. Will it stop? probably not. His bro wont stop him from calling me.
This really, really hurts. In times past, no matter how drunk he was, I always cuddled and coddled. But $#% it, I'm done.
My heart hurts.
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 21st of May 2017 05:45:46 AM
SerenityRUS said
May 20, 2017
Hugs MM,
All I can say is you deserve so much more than to have names screamed at you . however until you see your own worth the pattern will continue. I am so sorry for your pain because it sucks to love someone who just can't love you back the way you deserve .. and you do not deserve this.
Hugs S :)
shrnp said
May 20, 2017
I am sorry this happened to you. My A ex-bf was fun at onetime and I do miss that. Eventually, he started drinking earlier in the day and making his drinks stronger. Then within an hour or two he was as drunk as he use to be at the end of the night. He was always confessing to me how much he loved me as if I owed him something. Like, "I love you so much, let me treat you like shit because I have no idea how to be a decent human being." I do miss the company of an adult of the opposite sex loving me and being supportive. I am not ready to find that though, I am still not very sure of regular friends never mind a man. Once again, I am sorry. I hope your day or night gets better.
el-cee said
May 20, 2017
Ach I'm sorry. They can't do normal there is no normal thoughts behaviour etc not while the disease is running the show. they're sick plain and simple. It's rubbish because we desperately want some kind of normal even if it's just to feel goddam safe. I understand your hurt. Your wisdom kicked in ie not going In the house and calling the police. You did really really well despite how you feel. Feelings pass the truth is always the truth and you responded based on that rather than feelings.
tiredtonite said
May 20, 2017
You can't stop the progress Mel of either his disease or your recovery. Whether consciously or unconsciously I see you inching closer and closer to shutting the door to him. Maybe I'm just projecting my own experience on you. If so, please take what you like and leave the rest. When I began to take actions like you took, when I began saying no to my exah and sticking up for myself, he eventually left me. You can stop changing if you'd like... refuse to grow, see his reflection when you look in the mirror instead of yours but I think it's too late for any of that. When you've know independence rather than dependance, self worth instead of self distruction and serenity rather than insanity.. well, it's kinda hard to give that up to give yourself up your whole being to someone. Others have abandoned us but what do we have when abandon ourselves.. choose to give ourself away to the disease of alcoholism - we have our own addiction in action as relapsing Alanons. You did the right thing to choose yourself and take care of yourself. So you wanted to go out, get noticed. I hear you (((mel))) So he's phoning, good for him. Keep safe and hope you surrender it all to hp who loves as we do unconditionally. TT
LinSC said
May 20, 2017
"Im done"!
Be good to yourself and keep that promise to the one you should be most faithful to, yourself!
You're a beautiful woman with an awesome literary talent, and humor that makes us all laugh! Wake up you deserve better.
Don't fall off that wagon anymore.
a4l said
May 20, 2017
That would terrify me. Even the thought of being around drinking ah terrifies me now. Though I do sometimes romanticize the fun we had in our drunken States, eventually the terror outweighed the fun. Recently, in conversation, there was a suggestion of a BBQ. Which was kinda cool at first. Then I stopped to feel about it and it was suddenly a dark hole. We drank water and ate meat. Then I went home.
Later we talked about the misnomer of bbqs.
I guess the thirst strikes and hides itself: in my case, I know, his drinking served to justify my own. He was so obviously les enfant terrible, that after a while, it was easy to take the focus of my own, at least surfacely. I could lapse into this side once we had kids, the beauty of which was accepting my own alcoholism once I learned what a dry drunk was! I'd read here and recognise myself! hiding behind wife of addict channeling all my codependent and alcohol deprived frustration into his obvious problem. Course I've just hijacked your thread to bleat on about me. I've a tendency to do that a lot. Back to your post. Glad you called the cops. What other logical thing to do at that point?
KennyFenderjazz said
May 20, 2017
"This is you ending us!". How many times have you ended it? He finally heard! Calling the cops maybe worked. Being done too. It's a process isn't it, going through it is exhausting I'm sure but you are making progress, believe it or not, willing to call the cops rather than tell yourself it was your fault.
Kenny
MissM said
May 21, 2017
Thanks folks. I appreciate your replies; I really was in quite a lot of pain after the events of last night and just had to get it out somehow. You guys make me feel loved even though my sadness was 100% my own doing. I mean really...what did I expect? But then, I knew what to expect and I did it anyway...because I miss him I guess. It had been about 6 weeks since I had seen him. I guess I decided I didn't care what happened and I got the predictable consequence of that decision.
It's so hard...in so many ways he tries so hard and I know he hates that he keeps screwing it up. And that really tests me because I want to believe that it is fixable. Especially since he has gone so, so long without an incident and things had been so good between us. Part of me wants to think that he has longer and longer gaps between blowouts so maybe that means he's getting better. (ridiculous thinking, I know that).
I had stated to him when he finally convinced me to get back together with him that if he was at my house drunk and frightening me at any time I would call the cops without hesitation. He agreed that was what I should do also so, that was me sticking to my boundary of putting my safety before my emotions or anyone else's. And i am really glad that I am able to do that now with a minimum of guilt or hesitation.
This morning I had a very nasty (and weird) text message from my grandmother which I have to admit I am feeling very raw and sad about. She had seen something (really innocuous) I had posted on facebook and sent me this nasty rant about how ashamed she is of me and how ashamed my daughter must be and blah blah blah. I'll be honest I think she's lost her mind; it was a bizarre response to something not very interesting. I won't be talking to her any time soon and I feel very sad about that too.
Daughter has just come home from her fathers and she's angry with me because she doesn't do tennis lessons??? (Um, what? Have you ever expressed and interest in tennis before? No? Then it might be a tad irrational to be angry with me because you don't do them?)
Just ugh. I am curled up in bed with a good book and some leftover pizza and plotting to make a hot chocolate Because again, what else can I do in this circumstance really?
Love to all and thanks for your care and support
(((everyone)))
Mattie said
May 21, 2017
I bet we have all been there in one way or another. It *****s.
This was the precise moment when I was beating myself up for getting in this situation and my therapist said calmly, "Well, sometimes we have to touch the stove to see if it's still hot."
I think sometimes our reaction is because we touched the stove again, and sometimes it is just the sheer pain and frustration that the darn thing is hot. Like, "WHY can't things just be easy??"
That's a whole nother ball of wax, but given that they're not easy, take care of yourself.
Bethany66 said
May 22, 2017
a4l - "Though I do sometimes romanticize the fun we had in our drunken States, eventually the terror outweighed the fun."
Boy the terror is quickly outweighing the fun. A progressive disease for sure.
WestMan said
May 22, 2017
I think you made the right choice at the end of the evening. He's being weird and you felt unsafe. Be safe.
Spent some time with a very drunk A today. I made a judgement call...daughter was away for the night and he turned up all hot and sexy, demanding, "you've got 10 minutes. Get dressed up and we are going out". I did. Shoot me, it's been a while. It was fun, for a short while. Watching him shoot pool...he's so good at it. It was fun being dressed up and feeling cute. I enjoyed it. Guys hit on me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Then he got drunk and weird and it stopped being fun....like I knew it would I guess....I know I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place but it's been so long. And I love him, you know? I so want to believe we can still go out and have fun.
When it was time to go home he got into a fight. Nothing new...that's how every night we have ever spent together has ended. He punching on with some other drunk guys. But he was weird when I got in the car. Weird and angry. When we got back to my place he was so weird and angry I refused to unlock my house. I sat down on my doorstep and told him, I'm not going inside with you. And I didn't. The guy next door is friggin huge so he can't force me to go inside...if I stay outside, I'm safe.
He left, after telling me a bunch of irrational crap about how I am seeing "some other guy"
And then he started calling. Over and over, screaming at me. "Mel, I %%$#@ love you, you B#@! why can't you see that".
It went on and on. I called the cops. I was just done.
last I heard, he was screaming at me because he had broken down by the side of the road and it was my fault because he loves me so much.
I called his brother also and last I heard, brochacho was on his way to pick him up.
And my heart hurts. They both know I called the cops. He screamed at me, in that last call, "this is it Mel. This is you ending us. I love you so %$^#ing muchYou $#%#ing Bitch. ".
He's still calling. My phone is ringing right now. Will it stop? probably not. His bro wont stop him from calling me.
This really, really hurts. In times past, no matter how drunk he was, I always cuddled and coddled. But $#% it, I'm done.
My heart hurts.
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 21st of May 2017 05:45:46 AM
All I can say is you deserve so much more than to have names screamed at you . however until you see your own worth the pattern will continue. I am so sorry for your pain because it sucks to love someone who just can't love you back the way you deserve .. and you do not deserve this.
Hugs S :)
You can't stop the progress Mel of either his disease or your recovery. Whether consciously or unconsciously I see you inching closer and closer to shutting the door to him. Maybe I'm just projecting my own experience on you. If so, please take what you like and leave the rest. When I began to take actions like you took, when I began saying no to my exah and sticking up for myself, he eventually left me. You can stop changing if you'd like... refuse to grow, see his reflection when you look in the mirror instead of yours but I think it's too late for any of that. When you've know independence rather than dependance, self worth instead of self distruction and serenity rather than insanity.. well, it's kinda hard to give that up to give yourself up your whole being to someone. Others have abandoned us but what do we have when abandon ourselves.. choose to give ourself away to the disease of alcoholism - we have our own addiction in action as relapsing Alanons. You did the right thing to choose yourself and take care of yourself. So you wanted to go out, get noticed. I hear you (((mel))) So he's phoning, good for him. Keep safe and hope you surrender it all to hp who loves as we do unconditionally. TT
"Im done"!
Be good to yourself and keep that promise to the one you should be most faithful to, yourself!
You're a beautiful woman with an awesome literary talent, and humor that makes us all laugh! Wake up you deserve better.
Don't fall off that wagon anymore.
Kenny
It's so hard...in so many ways he tries so hard and I know he hates that he keeps screwing it up. And that really tests me because I want to believe that it is fixable. Especially since he has gone so, so long without an incident and things had been so good between us. Part of me wants to think that he has longer and longer gaps between blowouts so maybe that means he's getting better. (ridiculous thinking, I know that).
I had stated to him when he finally convinced me to get back together with him that if he was at my house drunk and frightening me at any time I would call the cops without hesitation. He agreed that was what I should do also so, that was me sticking to my boundary of putting my safety before my emotions or anyone else's. And i am really glad that I am able to do that now with a minimum of guilt or hesitation.
This morning I had a very nasty (and weird) text message from my grandmother which I have to admit I am feeling very raw and sad about. She had seen something (really innocuous) I had posted on facebook and sent me this nasty rant about how ashamed she is of me and how ashamed my daughter must be and blah blah blah. I'll be honest I think she's lost her mind; it was a bizarre response to something not very interesting. I won't be talking to her any time soon and I feel very sad about that too.
Daughter has just come home from her fathers and she's angry with me because she doesn't do tennis lessons??? (Um, what? Have you ever expressed and interest in tennis before? No? Then it might be a tad irrational to be angry with me because you don't do them?)
Just ugh. I am curled up in bed with a good book and some leftover pizza and plotting to make a hot chocolate
Love to all and thanks for your care and support
(((everyone)))
I bet we have all been there in one way or another. It *****s.
This was the precise moment when I was beating myself up for getting in this situation and my therapist said calmly, "Well, sometimes we have to touch the stove to see if it's still hot."
I think sometimes our reaction is because we touched the stove again, and sometimes it is just the sheer pain and frustration that the darn thing is hot. Like, "WHY can't things just be easy??"
That's a whole nother ball of wax, but given that they're not easy, take care of yourself.
Boy the terror is quickly outweighing the fun. A progressive disease for sure.