So I haven't posted in a while. I am working my program, my recovery, attending meetings, reaching out when those moments of anxiety hit. Things at home are calm. My A has been out of the house about 3 months. At first he struggled, then I struggled, and now we are in this place where it's starting to feel normal. When he comes around he is dry (not in recovery). His time spent with our children is now quality/present time. I went thru some health issues and he stepped up, helped with the boys (getting them home, etc), but always leaving at night. I don't ask about his recovery, but every once in a while he mentions it to me "I am drinking less" he says.... "seeing counselor and sponsor" he says... But still throws in "if I were home I would feel the need to go down the street to the bar, when I am at my moms I am not near the bar and don't want to drive drunk". All well and good, not sure how to take it. The fact is he is still lying, doesn't take a sleuth to figure that out. He is still deep in the disease. I chose to know he is lying, but realize that is his truth in the moment. Some days are easier than others. In no way to I believe he is living at his moms, he has a "side" woman I have known about for quite sometime--- denial of course. All I would have to do is ask his mom and she would tell me, but I am not his keeper. Wherever he is staying, all I know is he isn't bringing the disease in this house like he was when he was living here. I had surgery the other day and he showed up (usually isn't dependable of course) and not only that, but he was calm and supportive. Normally he is impatient, irritable, like I'm some big inconvenience to him, attention isn't on him, or he's so busy bc he's so important at his so important job (rme). I realize one day of compassion from him doesn't make up or change the past and it doesn't secure a future. In the moment tho I appreciated him and left it in the moment with no further expectation.
So on to the next phase... Last night he texted that he was "thinking" about moving back home. Says that the boys don't like him leaving and it is hard to explain to them the reason why he is leaving. All of this is true, it is hard. But I will tell you, they aren't "mad". I can see a change in how they react to him since he's been gone bc now (like I said) they're interactions are positive. I have moments where I am resentful that he gets to swoop in and get all the glory when I am at home day in and day out doing the hard work (oh I am a great martyr when I want to be! haha). Anyways, I responded simply that we can talk about it tomorrow. (Pretty sure he was drinking, who knows, but I wasn't about to engage in that conversation over text) And he was like "ok. I don't understand why we need to discuss it, it is either a yes or a no"... Immediately that sparked my anxiety. I said I am not having this conversation over text... and that when he said "thinking" it implies discussion. At that he said ok, whatever, good night.
At this point, I am not sure how I feel. We don't really communicate (right now) about deep important stuff. It is mostly superficial. So if he were to actually be serious about moving home, what does that mean to me? He is not in recovery, which it the boundary I set when this whole situation reached it's boiling point 3 months ago. We are lucky in that he does have a lot of family in the area, I own our house, everything is in mine name (which of course he hates btw) and I carry most of the financial burden. Part of me wants him home, with us, even if he isn't in full recovery bc I still have this image of us as a family. Part of me feels like I am not far enough in MY recovery to have him back if he is actively still drinking. Nothing is set in stone tho right? So he could come back and if the insanity resumes then that's his cue to leave? My fear is that if he is progressing towards recovery (maybe delusional) then if he moves home to we cycle right back to where we were 3 months ago?
He mentioned moving home a few weeks ago, that night I could tell he had been drinking based on the insanity of his texts and the next day neither one of us brought it up. So who knows what today brings. I feel us making progress and I would hate to lose that by moving to fast in any direction. It would be easy if I could just say, he's an ass I don't want to be with him, I'm done. But I am not there. Maybe that is what eventually will happen or maybe with my own recovery I can have a happy life with him and our boys regardless of his recovery.
eh, like I said, I am not sure how I feel... haha
Thanks for listening---
Iamhere said
May 20, 2017
Great share pumkin and great progress! As part of my boundaries, I've let my As know that if they pressure me to make a decision in a time frame I am uncomfortable with, the answer will always be no. I hold true to this. I do the best I can to speak my truth and if they hear something else, that's on them - not me. This has come about because when I've been pressured before recovery and in early recovery, I've caved and it's been a huge set-back for me and them on the journey...
So - consider your wants/needs. Speak your truth and then allow him to be who he is and how he is. You've come a long way and only you know what makes the best sense for your world/your family!
(((Hugs)))
LinSC said
May 20, 2017
I would read over your post and you can see you have some doubts and they are not small ones.
"The fact is he is still lying, doesn't take a sleuth to figure that out. He is still deep in the disease. I chose to know he is lying, but realize that is his truth in the moment. Some days are easier than others. In no way to I believe he is living at his moms, he has a "side" woman I have known about for quite sometime--- "
SerenityRUS said
May 20, 2017
To thy own self be true my friend .. I really stand by that statement .. you know what works and doesn't for you .. it's just not about him .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. you take care of you and the kiddos .. you are right where you are suppose to be in recovery.
BIG Hugs :)
pumkin26 said
May 20, 2017
Thanks Iamhere--- I do believe it would be a set back for both of us... appreciate your share. ((hugs))
LinSC--- yes. I think I needed to write it down to see my thoughts. His personality is so strong which definitely kept me in denial for a long time. Along with all the other manipulating behaviors. So I guess I worry when he says things like that if I will be strong enough to hold true to my boundaries as I need them to be for my sanity. I have surprised myself to make it this far into recovery, honestly that first week I just figured I would cave in, but I didn't. thank you! :)
LinSC said
May 20, 2017
You are doing the right thing, its only been 3 months, they say it should be a year to be sure and if the person is in a program. I don't think he thinks you mean it and that he can come back whether he is faking his sobriety or not. Like you said he has a strong personality, well if thats the case he can get sober and stay sober. Bouncing back and forth with living situations is not healthy for the children. He will show his true colors with time. I raised 3 boys....be strong for the boys they are watching every move Mom and Dad make.
pumkin26 said
May 20, 2017
(((Hugs))) Serenity, thanks friend!
Thanks LinSC! I've always felt no matter what our decisions as parents are there are consequences and it's about choosing the best scenario knowing it may not be perfect. My a showed his true colors today- as the day progressed- the insanity bubbled out. As is usually the case, my HP shows me my answers. As I'm headed to bed, I am thankful for the program- for everyone here and my friends in Al-Anon to turn to when the anxiety creeps in, old habits surface, and the insanity escalates. :)
tiredtonite said
May 20, 2017
Pumkin,
"When in doubt, don't," we say in the program. You can continue to watch his words and actions to see if they match. You have time. You don't owe him an "instant" decision.
((hugs)) TT
a4l said
May 21, 2017
You sound awesome. On not going backwards, I've come to a simple conclusion for me where I'm at right now. I'm not in a rush to go backwards, I'm not in a rush to go forwards, I'm not in a rush, period! Anyone who wants to mess with that can go mess with themselves.... Alone! Lol. Keep on keeping on.
shrnp said
May 21, 2017
pumkin,
It sound like you are doing very well with your situation. I agree with everyone else. I used to really miss the good times with my A, but it would not take long for the same old stuff to resurface.
So I haven't posted in a while. I am working my program, my recovery, attending meetings, reaching out when those moments of anxiety hit. Things at home are calm. My A has been out of the house about 3 months. At first he struggled, then I struggled, and now we are in this place where it's starting to feel normal. When he comes around he is dry (not in recovery). His time spent with our children is now quality/present time. I went thru some health issues and he stepped up, helped with the boys (getting them home, etc), but always leaving at night. I don't ask about his recovery, but every once in a while he mentions it to me "I am drinking less" he says.... "seeing counselor and sponsor" he says... But still throws in "if I were home I would feel the need to go down the street to the bar, when I am at my moms I am not near the bar and don't want to drive drunk". All well and good, not sure how to take it. The fact is he is still lying, doesn't take a sleuth to figure that out. He is still deep in the disease. I chose to know he is lying, but realize that is his truth in the moment. Some days are easier than others. In no way to I believe he is living at his moms, he has a "side" woman I have known about for quite sometime--- denial of course. All I would have to do is ask his mom and she would tell me, but I am not his keeper. Wherever he is staying, all I know is he isn't bringing the disease in this house like he was when he was living here. I had surgery the other day and he showed up (usually isn't dependable of course) and not only that, but he was calm and supportive. Normally he is impatient, irritable, like I'm some big inconvenience to him, attention isn't on him, or he's so busy bc he's so important at his so important job (rme). I realize one day of compassion from him doesn't make up or change the past and it doesn't secure a future. In the moment tho I appreciated him and left it in the moment with no further expectation.
So on to the next phase... Last night he texted that he was "thinking" about moving back home. Says that the boys don't like him leaving and it is hard to explain to them the reason why he is leaving. All of this is true, it is hard. But I will tell you, they aren't "mad". I can see a change in how they react to him since he's been gone bc now (like I said) they're interactions are positive. I have moments where I am resentful that he gets to swoop in and get all the glory when I am at home day in and day out doing the hard work (oh I am a great martyr when I want to be! haha). Anyways, I responded simply that we can talk about it tomorrow. (Pretty sure he was drinking, who knows, but I wasn't about to engage in that conversation over text) And he was like "ok. I don't understand why we need to discuss it, it is either a yes or a no"... Immediately that sparked my anxiety. I said I am not having this conversation over text... and that when he said "thinking" it implies discussion. At that he said ok, whatever, good night.
At this point, I am not sure how I feel. We don't really communicate (right now) about deep important stuff. It is mostly superficial. So if he were to actually be serious about moving home, what does that mean to me? He is not in recovery, which it the boundary I set when this whole situation reached it's boiling point 3 months ago. We are lucky in that he does have a lot of family in the area, I own our house, everything is in mine name (which of course he hates btw) and I carry most of the financial burden. Part of me wants him home, with us, even if he isn't in full recovery bc I still have this image of us as a family. Part of me feels like I am not far enough in MY recovery to have him back if he is actively still drinking. Nothing is set in stone tho right? So he could come back and if the insanity resumes then that's his cue to leave? My fear is that if he is progressing towards recovery (maybe delusional) then if he moves home to we cycle right back to where we were 3 months ago?
He mentioned moving home a few weeks ago, that night I could tell he had been drinking based on the insanity of his texts and the next day neither one of us brought it up. So who knows what today brings. I feel us making progress and I would hate to lose that by moving to fast in any direction. It would be easy if I could just say, he's an ass I don't want to be with him, I'm done. But I am not there. Maybe that is what eventually will happen or maybe with my own recovery I can have a happy life with him and our boys regardless of his recovery.
eh, like I said, I am not sure how I feel... haha
Thanks for listening---
So - consider your wants/needs. Speak your truth and then allow him to be who he is and how he is. You've come a long way and only you know what makes the best sense for your world/your family!
(((Hugs)))
I would read over your post and you can see you have some doubts and they are not small ones.
"The fact is he is still lying, doesn't take a sleuth to figure that out. He is still deep in the disease. I chose to know he is lying, but realize that is his truth in the moment. Some days are easier than others. In no way to I believe he is living at his moms, he has a "side" woman I have known about for quite sometime--- "
BIG Hugs :)
LinSC--- yes. I think I needed to write it down to see my thoughts. His personality is so strong which definitely kept me in denial for a long time. Along with all the other manipulating behaviors. So I guess I worry when he says things like that if I will be strong enough to hold true to my boundaries as I need them to be for my sanity. I have surprised myself to make it this far into recovery, honestly that first week I just figured I would cave in, but I didn't. thank you! :)
You are doing the right thing, its only been 3 months, they say it should be a year to be sure and if the person is in a program. I don't think he thinks you mean it and that he can come back whether he is faking his sobriety or not. Like you said he has a strong personality, well if thats the case he can get sober and stay sober. Bouncing back and forth with living situations is not healthy for the children. He will show his true colors with time. I raised 3 boys....be strong for the boys they are watching every move Mom and Dad make.
Thanks LinSC! I've always felt no matter what our decisions as parents are there are consequences and it's about choosing the best scenario knowing it may not be perfect. My a showed his true colors today- as the day progressed- the insanity bubbled out. As is usually the case, my HP shows me my answers. As I'm headed to bed, I am thankful for the program- for everyone here and my friends in Al-Anon to turn to when the anxiety creeps in, old habits surface, and the insanity escalates. :)
Pumkin,
"When in doubt, don't," we say in the program. You can continue to watch his words and actions to see if they match. You have time. You don't owe him an "instant" decision.
((hugs)) TT
It sound like you are doing very well with your situation. I agree with everyone else. I used to really miss the good times with my A, but it would not take long for the same old stuff to resurface.