My Friday night is starting out like a lot do, no sign of my husband after work. That is no big deal, I really enjoy my time alone at this point and have moved on being caught up in his actions. This weekend is different because it's the long weekend and we have plans to head up to my family's cottage in the morning. We are going to leave at 8:30 am to beat the crazy traffic and also coordinated with my brother and his family leaving at the same time (we have to meet for a boat ride) - he has happily agreed to all of this many times - there is a good chance he will stay out late or just stay up really late getting drunk. In which case he chances of him getting up are slim. A - he won't wake up at all, or B he will start yelling at me about leaving later, why does it always have to be about my family and my family's timeline, etc. Can I leave without him? I am really looking forward to this. This has been planned. I don't want him to ruin this weekend for me. The traffic will be terrible if we leave later and I don't want to sit in a car for more hours with a 2 year old than I have to. And it forces my family to come out by boat again to get us, which is rude. I have trouble with boundaries obviously and standing up for myself. I just find it hard, as I have mentioned about the "normal marriage stuff" vs "alcoholic marriage". Normal marriage tells me "don't leave your husband behind because he can't get up, I would be upset if someone left without me" but alcoholic marriage me is like "yep he does this all the time, I am tired of bending everything around him and he makes no effort" Thoughts? Thanks for any advice.

I'd honestly leave without him and plan to do so mentally now. I mean, its tomorrow and he's out getting trashed the night before. Who wants to deal with that if they don't have to? If it were possible, I'd pack up and leave tonight, get a good jump on the weekend. My thoughts. Enjoy the time away!

Oh and on normal marriage, perhaps also there's a dialogue says, this holiday is important to my s/o and good for our family. Therefore I will commit by being on time and maybe help with packing. Obligation is a two way street.

(((Hugs)))

I think setting the boundary of leaving as planned is totally acceptable. I'm in a similar state with my active A- well he isn't living at home, but active and still in the picture. I have learned that either -1 I don't set any expectation, helps ease my anxiety or -2 if there is a time frame that is important then when it's time to go I state I'm leaving, I'll meet you there. Easier said than done when still wrapped up and not detached. Looking back we missed many of his family important events due to his binge drinking the night before. It's appalling.

I agree with a4l set your mind tonight. If you're set to leave early then leave early. If you decide to wait (that is ok too) then set your mind to that and let go and let god.

I feel like this is when my choices and my part in things come I'm to play. I know that he's getting drunk, I know he won't wake up... so what is my choice? See it all play out as it always has and then be resentful? Ruin my day? Pout about it? Or change the story for me?

I don't mean this as advice. It is what I did in a similar situation.
We planned to drive 6 hours to meet my family. He stayed up late drinking, and he was in deep, noisy sleep when it was time to leave.

I decided to go without him. When I was about an hour from my destination, he called. Where are you? (accusing tone) I told him.
When I arrived without him, they asked about it. I just said oh he wasn't ready when the bus left. (They could see my car.) I didn't JADE.
The next day he called to see where all of us could meet. I told him our plans, and he joined us. It turned out to be a good way for me to handle it.

Much appreciated everyone. Things took a worse turn - he came home angry and a few hours late - being very aggressive and cornering me in the kitchen and generally being angry that I wasn't happy to see him. Our daughter woke up later and he told me that he wants money for weed. I said no, he gets more and more aggressive, he kept bothering me and I said yes to keep the peace because I could tell he was getting very agitated. Then he escalated asking for more money. I went upstairs to lie down with my daughter in my room and he came up bothering me about money. He was getting more and more aggressive, slapping me on the back and gripping my hand tightly. I tried to be quiet and ignore him and he just went crazy and jumped on me and grabbed my glasses. He didn't punch me or injure me seriously, but he was acting totally crazy and yelling in my ear and grabbing for my phone. I bit him on the hand when he was on top of me and now he is telling me it's my fault and that I injured him. He came up to make me promise we would never fight in front of our daughter like this again - totally trying to suck me in. He assaulted me, I was lying down being silent. I know this isn't ok at all. I am totally at a loss of what to do. I am definitely going to try and leave tomorrow morning without him being aware at all. I am horrified this happened. I could tell he was itching to fight since he got home.

My heart goes out to you, (((Vicki))). I have had very similar encounters with my abf, where he was not quite managing to toe the line of physical violence, I guess... I know how this feels and it is terrible, and you don't deserve this. Calling cops is an option. I'm currently away from my abf after an episode like this. I'm leaving him, and I told him I could only think about getting back together if he started serious recovery, with the help of AA or narcologist, whatever. There's no way I can stay if he's drinking, too much aggression from him, and he often doesn't let me a have a good night's sleep, waking me up repeatedly etc. It's no use telling him this affects my health and well-being, I tried, more than once. Take care of yourself and your little one.

Thanks everyone. I woke up this morning with a bruise on my chest. He is pushing for the "we both made mistakes, if you had talked to me WE could have avoided things escalating" story. So not buying it. Not sure what more I could do besides lie there and try not to engage. After our fight he pinned me against the wall downstairs promising him "we would never do this infront of our daughter again" - and that I am so stubborn it's my own fault. I just feel like he is so far off course and unable to see anything clearly. In an obvious moment of planning he didn't drink a lot more last night and went to bed early ruining my chances to leave without him noticing. I said we could use a few days apart and he said "leave our daughter then" - no chance I will do that and I wasn't going to put her in the middle of a dramatic scene. So we are here at the cottage with my family: pretending things are ok. I already have an appointment with a lawyer Thursday (which I was feeling guilty about). I will speak to her and see what she has to say. I took a photo of the bruise and I actually have the whole thing recorded because I could feel that he was going to do something crazy last night. I am so upset and just so unsure of what to do with my feelings. The fact that he can't even accept full responsibly shows how bad things have become. Thanks for the responses. It's nice to have some small place where I can be honest about what's happened.

Vicki, I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I can relate that it is scary to be around an aggressive drunk. My bf has toed the line before, never leaving a bruise or mark but definitely intimidating, scaring, and verbally and emotionally abusing me. I always buy into the apology bc I can't imagine someone would truly want to be that way. It's different for you, since you have a child to think about too. Please be strong and go with your gut.

(((Vicki))) - I know it's very hard to do but try to enjoy today - just today. You made the drive, you're with other folks - if at all possible, stay in the moment and work on relaxing. We often tell people to breathe - and it's not just because of the anxiety - it's a cleansing/meditating opportunity too. Deep breathing helps me to slow down just a bit in mind, body and soul.

You have a plan for Thursday and that's a good thing. You're doing what you can today for you/daughter to normalize in an unfathomable situation. Nothing that happened was your fault and you are not responsible for his choices, actions, behaviors, etc. Hang in there - you are not alone - and I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers!