Feeling so all alone and afraid of my future with AH
wifeofalcoholic said
May 19, 2017
My AH is sleeping it off. I am all alone, shaking. Came home drunk. Lied and lied even though we have had counseling about trust and truth in a marriage. He has had sporadic drinking episodes, now it is escalating. He had been clean for many, many years at one time. There have been promises, asking me to forgive, asking for one more time. He goes to meetings. I take care of myself with a counselor. I found AlAnon meetings too upsetting. Stories of deaths, I couldn't cope. I read my literature, I come here. I am not a youngster. Starting over scares me. I have my own health issues - who will be with me? What will my financial future be? I am frightened and fearing loneliness. I made an appt. for couples counseling which we have done before. That was just yesterday and he agreed. I asked him what his plan is - he told me he doesn't have one. Life is so hard.
Iamhere said
May 20, 2017
So sorry for your pain WoA - I would suggest you keep trying to find meetings where you can relate and find support. This disease is powerful, progressive and baffling and for many, does result in death. While it's not a pleasant outcome, it's realistic.
I felt as you felt often before I settled into Al-Anon. I now have a tribe of people who can help me when I am in need and I'm so grateful for that. You are not alone - hope today is a better day for you and him both! (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
May 20, 2017
Hugs WOA ..
I agree finding face to face meetings helps a great deal.
As I healed I started to understand better what I needed and so on .. I know women who were able to ask for what they needed get it on paper so that they could put their own savings aside for them .. it came after working the steps finding what did and didn't work in their relationship .. it is scary to be with someone who is not in a reasonable rational state of mind 80% of the time and the other 20% they are sleeping. I just really encourage you to take care of your own mental state and that one thing right there makes things soooo much clearer. I realized I had options I didn't know I even had.
Hugs S :)
Enigmatic said
May 20, 2017
Hi Wife, glad you're here...
I found yesterday's ODAT reading really helpful, as it reminded me of the confusion and uncertainty that I felt before I found AlAnon as I was consumed with my qualifier's recovery...I was a stressed out, unhappy person!
As some have already mentioned, I too benefited from trying different meetings until I found one that was focused on recovery rather than the alcoholic. That having been said, I also realized that I needed to let it begin with me, that I needed to change my focus. I could attend the same meeting and it would affect me differently depending on whether I was focusing on ways I could improve, or ways I thought or hoped my qualifier would.
As I have 100% control of my thoughts and actions and 0% control of others, if 80% of my focus is on my qualifier, that leaves me only 20% of my energy to direct towards the things I can control. AlAnon helped me see that even if others did not change, I could greatly improve my peace and serenity my just shifting the focus back to me...I am so grateful.
Hang in there, please consider giving meetings another shot
tiredtonite said
May 20, 2017
Hi wifeofalcoholic,
I hope you're able to find an Alanon group where you feel comfortable. Your husband has known recovery for many years so maybe just maybe there is as much of a chance of him returning to recovery as not? There are no easy answers to the fears you have. So many of us have these kinds of fears who have alcoholism in our families. There really are no guarantees in life for any couple even those living without the disease of alcoholism. I think the most any of us can do is put our own affairs in order as best we can for the future and trust in our higher power to continue to be there for us. Many times our fearful projections don't happen but putting a plan in place can help give us peace of mind.
It's good that he has his meetings and is agreeing to get counseling support with you as well. It's honest of him to admit to you that he doesn't have a plan. He isn't setting himself up or you for disappointment. For now, it looks like his plan is willingness. Alanon is always telling us to keep the focus on ourselves and not the alcoholic and I know that is very hard for you right now because you feel so scared. You've asked him his plan, would it seem fair to have a plan for yourself too? As fearful as you feel right now, there is a loving higher power caring for you and for your husband too one day at a time.
I hope you'll keep coming back to share your recovery with us. It sounds like you and your husband are already using one very positive recovery tool - HOW honesty, openness and willingness. You will be in my prayers. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 20th of May 2017 10:12:20 PM
My AH is sleeping it off. I am all alone, shaking. Came home drunk. Lied and lied even though we have had counseling about trust and truth in a marriage. He has had sporadic drinking episodes, now it is escalating. He had been clean for many, many years at one time. There have been promises, asking me to forgive, asking for one more time. He goes to meetings. I take care of myself with a counselor. I found AlAnon meetings too upsetting. Stories of deaths, I couldn't cope. I read my literature, I come here. I am not a youngster. Starting over scares me. I have my own health issues - who will be with me? What will my financial future be? I am frightened and fearing loneliness. I made an appt. for couples counseling which we have done before. That was just yesterday and he agreed. I asked him what his plan is - he told me he doesn't have one. Life is so hard.
I felt as you felt often before I settled into Al-Anon. I now have a tribe of people who can help me when I am in need and I'm so grateful for that. You are not alone - hope today is a better day for you and him both! (((Hugs)))
I agree finding face to face meetings helps a great deal.
As I healed I started to understand better what I needed and so on .. I know women who were able to ask for what they needed get it on paper so that they could put their own savings aside for them .. it came after working the steps finding what did and didn't work in their relationship .. it is scary to be with someone who is not in a reasonable rational state of mind 80% of the time and the other 20% they are sleeping. I just really encourage you to take care of your own mental state and that one thing right there makes things soooo much clearer. I realized I had options I didn't know I even had.
Hugs S :)
I found yesterday's ODAT reading really helpful, as it reminded me of the confusion and uncertainty that I felt before I found AlAnon as I was consumed with my qualifier's recovery...I was a stressed out, unhappy person!
As some have already mentioned, I too benefited from trying different meetings until I found one that was focused on recovery rather than the alcoholic. That having been said, I also realized that I needed to let it begin with me, that I needed to change my focus. I could attend the same meeting and it would affect me differently depending on whether I was focusing on ways I could improve, or ways I thought or hoped my qualifier would.
As I have 100% control of my thoughts and actions and 0% control of others, if 80% of my focus is on my qualifier, that leaves me only 20% of my energy to direct towards the things I can control. AlAnon helped me see that even if others did not change, I could greatly improve my peace and serenity my just shifting the focus back to me...I am so grateful.
Hang in there, please consider giving meetings another shot
Hi wifeofalcoholic,
I hope you're able to find an Alanon group where you feel comfortable. Your husband has known recovery for many years so maybe just maybe there is as much of a chance of him returning to recovery as not? There are no easy answers to the fears you have. So many of us have these kinds of fears who have alcoholism in our families. There really are no guarantees in life for any couple even those living without the disease of alcoholism. I think the most any of us can do is put our own affairs in order as best we can for the future and trust in our higher power to continue to be there for us. Many times our fearful projections don't happen but putting a plan in place can help give us peace of mind.
It's good that he has his meetings and is agreeing to get counseling support with you as well. It's honest of him to admit to you that he doesn't have a plan. He isn't setting himself up or you for disappointment. For now, it looks like his plan is willingness. Alanon is always telling us to keep the focus on ourselves and not the alcoholic and I know that is very hard for you right now because you feel so scared. You've asked him his plan, would it seem fair to have a plan for yourself too? As fearful as you feel right now, there is a loving higher power caring for you and for your husband too one day at a time.
I hope you'll keep coming back to share your recovery with us. It sounds like you and your husband are already using one very positive recovery tool - HOW honesty, openness and willingness. You will be in my prayers. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 20th of May 2017 10:12:20 PM