Living with alcoholism means we are living with or have lived with a person who drinks or were effected themselves by a drinker but as far as I've learned the disease doesn't end there. Its within us, living with a drinker or not. So, we talk over and over about the drinker, desperately trying to understand the behaviour the thinking the motives of the drinker because FALSELY we believe the answer lies in the drinker. Our life will improve if the drinker behaves, gets sober, gets help, etc. So we are not the problem according to our faulty thought processes.

This is the merrygoround as far as I can see. We keep searching for the answer to get this drinker to behave because its this drinker that is ruining our life. WRONG!!! Our lives are crap because we can't see reality. The freedom comes when we can look in, with the help of Alanon meetings, steps, sponsor and we can see that the change we want can only come from us and within us. We have to root out our motives, however painful it seems. I found it amazing and liberating at first with a hint of pain. 

Why do we continue in the chaos and misery?, we come up with all sorts of excuses and justifications, its finances, its love, etc, its lack of choices. What if you looked in and saw that the reason you are in chaos is not because of the drinkers addiction but our own addiction. We are addicts just the same, addicted to them, addicted to the excitement and drama, the adrenalin pumping through our bodies with each and every crisis and the anticipation of the next crisis, we get withdrawals in the calm, we cant handle the calm and then we complain about how crap this all is. We crave it. So Alanon is vital for us, we begin to get clean as we learn to separate ourselves from the other person, not physically necessarily, become an individual again, a person in our own rights seperate from every other human being.

We can see how we have taken part all along, been a big player in it, never the innocent victim filled with self pity and hopelessness that I remember believing this of myself for years. The power for change is not in the hands of a desperately sick alcoholic but in us sick just the same but when we get the courage to open our minds to the truth and take responsibility for our own lives we begin to grow up.

I remember being angry at myself when I began to see my part in creating my reality. I had no tolerance for my own errors.

They assured me that denial has its place and it comes BEFORE awakening to such honesty. It protects me from what I am not yet ready to deal with. I accept today that I am still in denial over things I expect I'll eventually wake up to some day. I am recovering, not recovered. I expect more shall be revealed as I continue to persevere. I expect others may be looking at me and wondering, "when will she ever get it?!!"

when I do.

In working with others, Ive had to exercise caution in pulling the comfort rug out from under my fellows. some of us have deep emotional wounds and are very badly damaged. I happen to know many in Al-Anon who refuse to work a "fearless and thorough" inventory with a sponsor, even after coming for over a decade. And some think they do the steps "a few times" believing they are "done" and go on to  "service" 

Everyone gets to decide how far they are willing to take recovery. Al-anon suggests that we keep the focus on ourselves.. for our own spiritual benefit. Some people never hear that, but it is not my place to direct the show.

The ever-patient Higher Power unconditionally loves us all, even my erring alcoholic loved ones. How grateful I am Higher Power so patiently waits for me, and welcomes me with open arms when the "awakenings" come.

That is what I read in your post, that we are more alike than different, its' a great reminder... all of us walking around in innocent ignorance, seeking outside methods for lasting happiness and peace rather than from the One who can provide it.

I like this page from Al-Anon Groups at Work manual p. 27 because it emphasizes the process.

"We who have turned to Al-Anon have often done so in despair, unable to believe in the possibility of change and unable to go on as we have before. We feel cheated out of a loving companion, over-burdened with responsibilities, unwanted, unloved, and alone. There are even those of us who are arrogant, smug, self-righteous, and dominating. We come to Al-Anon, however, because we want and need help.

While we may have been driven to Al-Anon by the effects of someone elses drinking, we soon come to know that our own thinking has to change before we can make a new and successful approach to living.

It is in Al-Anon that we learn to deal with our obsession, our anxiety, our anger, our denial, and our feelinsgs of guilt. It is through the fellowship that we ease our emotional burdens by sharing our ESH with others.

Little by little, we come to realize at our meetings that much of our discomfort comes from our attitudes. We begin to change these attitudes and learn about our responsibilities to ourselves. We discover feelings of self-worth and love, and we grow spiritually.

The emphasis begins to be lifted from the alcoholic

and placed where we do have some power -  over our own lives."


thanks el-cee!!

Thanks for all the comments. They have given me something to think about.x

PosiesandPuppies, I love that you spoke your opinion too and hope you hold your opinion in equal esteem as everyone elses because we are a fellowship of equals. that is awesome recovery right there, Applause! Applause!!

I have a friend who sometimes says, "Opinions are a lot like (noses,) everyones got one. "

So have no fear, you are right on track with your recovery. Do not worry yourself by anyones personal share because I find it terribly self-sabotaging when I compare my insides to anothers outsides.

I can vividly recall my own experience that I will share... everyone, please take what you like and leave the rest.

I began my recovery here on the internet. Gratefully, they kept encouraging me to get to real F2F meetings. And eventually I did. when I was ready.

I found a sponsor and she quickly told me to get off the internet. She said I was getting mixed messages from strangers who didnt really know me and harming me.   As a double winner, she also believed the internet was addictive and not a healthy way to feel good about myself. She wanted me to "seek" elsewhere.

I followed her suggestion and substituted the internet with 3-4 meetings per week. Even in inclement weather, I'd get myself to a meeting so I could experience and witness the true effects of our program with my own two eyes... this is how I was "inspired" ...by seeing it for real. This was also how I expressed my decision in step 3. Firmly. I am delighted to share that I went on to make the best friends a girl could ever want in my face to face meetings. There, I could actually see and hear and feel the emotions behind all the words being shared at a meeting, where technology often fails.

A few years later, after a major move and transitioning, I had another double-winner sponsor who said internet is about feeding ego. She always told me, "isn't it great that you can get away with saying to someone what you might NEVER ordinarily say to them face to face?!! And isn't it great you can write whatever you want people to BELIEVE about you whether it is true or not, you still get to log off with the feeling of being right? Ego loves that,"  she would say. She believed the internet is a very subtle way of building ego rather than building spirit consciousness and Presence in the present moment because of the constant story-making, the constant re-living and re-feeling... more and more "thought" which is troublesome for someone like me who has a thinking problem.

Al-anon service manual suggests using internet ONLY as a supplement to F2F meetings and i love how MIP does well in pointing this out. and still, it is only a suggestion, one we can use or not, we each get to decide.

If you care to read any further (((big hugs))) it seems to me that el-cee's post has made you uncomfortable...?

Today, thanks to recovery, we have choices and the choice you have today... whenever you feel uncomfortable... by whatever means... you just notice it... you notice your feelings... you notice any fireworks going off in your head... just be present with yourself, observing your reactions. You can tell yourself, This is uncomfortable or I don't like this or Life is now feeling unmanageable... my stomach is in knots... my chest feels heavy... I'm getting a headache... All of this is about getting honest with yourself.

Then proceed to give yourself what you need to feel peaceful again, whatever that looks like. Be for yourself (but not against others. we don't have the right to pin our needs on others) Develop the ability to respond on your own behalf (responsibility,) and move in the direction of nurturing self-care.

If you are doing that, you are indeed working recovery and doing awesome!!! you don't need to worry yourself about any of the themes in this thread such as denial or ego or anything you don't yet understand or makes you uncomfortable. these ideas come much later. you are not there yet, my friend, today is not the day.

A sponsor who knew me and loved me was my god-send... an answer to my prayers...   because I simply could not make heads or tails of this program on my own. Perhaps when you are ready, you will try it.  Just for today, EASY DOES IT ((hugs))

Not everyone will agree with what you posted. But I do, I think thats the backbone of the program, get yourself together, straighten out your own life your own thoughts, your own financial situation.

Although no one ever said its easy and its not. Amen 

My hero is Helen Keller, the things she accomplished even with having such disabilities is amazing.