I am posting to not only vent, but mostly to show how Al-Anon has helped me today. 

So last night was a jazz night at a local eatery to raise money for my son's high school marching band program. I have been planing this for months, so my AH was well aware. In the past I would have underlying anxiety wondering if he was going to go, not going to go (thus disappointing son), or it he chooses to go, would he be sober? Because of the tools, I let go of my preconceived notions of what my AH "should" or "should not" do. I am at a point that I just don't care anymore. I mean, I care for him as a person, but our marriage is over as far as I am concerned. I am truly embracing detachment as a means to find some serenity.

The funny thing is, we came home from a great night, and my son and I were moving about the house talking about the performance, the food etc., and my AH (who was getting ready for bed) said something. But because I don't listen to his quacking anymore, and b/c I was in mid-sentence with my son, I didn't hear what he said. All of sudden I hear a just loud enough, "WHATEVER!" Now, I could tell my AH was pissed at something, but the old me would either let it stew, or would get mad instantly. The new me walked into the bedroom and asked politely, "Is everything OK, you sound like you are mad at something, b/c you said, "Whatever." His reply was that he was trying to tell me he hadn't had a drink in 5 days, but I wasn't listening. He said it was the longest he had ever gone without a drink in a long time. Now, the old me would have pointed out that just a couple weeks ago he was telling me I was crazy for thinking I smelled alcohol on him, even though he was stumbling drunk. The new me just told him that I was talking with our son and thus didn't hear him, and that I was happy for HIM. 

Earlier today I was thinking about what he said, and remembering that not 4 days ago he was smelling of alcohol. So his insistence of 5 days wasn't quite accurate. Not only that, but I knew that he was probably white knuckling it. The old me would obsess over this all day! The new me accepted the fact that he would probably relapse and moved on with my day. I didn't give it another thought!

So I came home from work, and I walked into the house to the smell of fresh coffee. Odd, I thought. But as I got further in, I also got a hint of that alcohol smell - we all know the smell. All I said to my AH was, Yum! It smells so good in here, like coffee! He was lying on the bed with the coffee cup and gave me this weird grin and said "I just really felt like some." But his speech was slow and deliberate. So right there I knew he had broken his sober streak, and the coffee was meant to sober him up and perhaps even to hide the odor in the house. Did I question? Did I rant and rave? No. I told myself that it is what it is, and went about my post-work routine at home. When I happened to walk into the room again, he was bawling his eyes out. "Oh! Why are you crying? What happened?" I said. He waved me off, obviously unable to talk about it. So I told him I was sorry he felt bad and left the room. The new me no longer allows me to be sucked in to his depressive chaos. But it is my suspicion that he felt guilty for drinking. F or all those in new relationships with qualifiers, please note... This never changes! Because he isn't working on his sobriety with dead seriousness, it just a merry-go-round that is OH SO NOT MERRY! So please beware! If my AH was my ABF, I would run for the hills and never look back with regret... E.V.E.R!

Currently, I want to separate. He knows it. That is why I think he was trying so hard to be "good," because he knows that once he is out, I am not letting him come back. Unfortunately, his last dance with addiction took all of our savings, and I had to rely on my credit cards for my then 11 year old and I to survive. Once "recovered," he still didn't have a job (for a year), so the debt just kept piling up. We are still paying on medical debt from last year (trying to find out what was wrong with AH). Now we get a notice that our insurance won't cover his hospital stay because he "Didn't have a PE, did not have a heart attack, and could've been monitored in the acute care in the ER. It is my opinion that they think it was alcohol related - when my AH was discharged, all he got were a bunch of papers about alcohol abuse and treatment options/centers, nothing about acute back pain - hmmm, what do you think? So far I haven't brought this to the attention of my AH. I just asked him to call his doctor's office and see if they can talk with the insurance company... I am putting this in his hands... the old me would've swooped in to handle it all. That is causing me a little bit of anxiety, but really, we are so far in debt that what is one more huge bill? But I have to fight the urge to be angry about it, b/c I feel it is keeping me strapped into a marriage I no longer believe in. But I am trying to Let Go, and Let God... or at least my understanding of a God... which is tenuous at best.

I feel better for letting this out. Thank you for being a sounding board.