For those of you who have seen my previous posts, I am the one about to have a baby (2 days) and my ABF went through a horrible relapse (yelling, anger, verbal abuse, slamming things around). Well, now he is coming out of it and last night it was really bothering me because I feel like he thinks that everything will be ok and I won't leave him. I had finally come home after staying at his mom's house for a week. Well, last night I reminded him that I am moving out unless he has any plans real soon to get REAL PROFESSIONAL HELP. He has only been to one therapist for a short period of time, and the therapist was a joke. The therapist actually introduced him and I (blind date)- that is another story (he should be dis-barred). Other than that, no sold aftercare basically... ever.
He white knuckled it and got sober for 1 full year, the year I got pregnant. Me not having extensive knowledge in addiction, when things were good again you feel like all is right with the world and you don't think about that ugly demon coming back into your life. I'm trying not to get taken away in the dream this time, where he is "ok" now and all is right with the world. I am having to remind myself to stay true to this very hard boundary of "aftercare treatment or I leave". Before that, his longest time sober was 4 months. He had a couple other 2 monthers, and maybe another 4 monther since I have been with him. My hope was so naive, that I thought that ol' mighty he, would have that rare ability to stay sober without getting special help. This last relapse though was a doozy though, and was a game-changer with our baby about to come into the world. The relapses are awful with his extreme temper/anger (has not gotten physical with me as of yet). I'm doing my best to stick with my boundary, and not get swept away with the nice sweet other man I fell in love with and feel nothing could go wrong. It's terrible.
Please share your experience that you may have with a dry drunk, or if you knew of someone. What did you learn about that person? Any feedback appreciated. Thanks!!
PosiesandPuppies said
May 19, 2017
(((LoveNHope))))
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope that you keep you and your unborn baby safe.
My experience with my AH was that with both meth and alcohol addiction, he would say ANYTHING to keep the status quo. He lied to his therapist over and over, and of course he lied to me. More times than I care to admit. But, in the inbetween times, you see a hint of the person you loved, so you keep hanging in there, hoping things will change. Things will never change unless HE WANTS THEM TO CHANGE. My AH is very cranky and downright mean when he is "dry." And in all our 26 years of marriage, he has never normally had a mean bone in his body!
I don't believe there is any "half-way" of doing recovery, and if your qualifier says "I don't like going to meetings b/c I am not like those losers," or "Meetings make me think of the times when I was using, and I just want to forget that even happened" (my AH's two favorite quotes), then they are not ready for recovery and will just tell you what you want to hear.
I know he is the father of your child, but you are not married... so make decisions that are the best for YOU AND YOUR BABY. No one else. Children in alcoholic families are always affected in some way - usually not good. When he has more than a year of sobriety, and stays rooted in recovery (no thinking he doesn't have to stay vigilant), then perhaps you will be open to a relationship with him.
All I know is what I have experienced. In hindsight, if not marrying my AH would've spared me this trauma, I would've walked away. No, I would've run!!
Stay safe.
Aline said
May 19, 2017
Hugs, (((LoveNHope))). I have no experience to speak of regarding dealing with a dry drunk, but my thoughts are with you as well. Alcoholism must be one of the craziest diseases there is, but you are not alone. Keep coming back
Mattie said
May 19, 2017
My experience is the same as PosiesandPuppies's experience.
However, from what you say, I don't think you have a dry drunk. I think you have a drunk drunk.
My ex-AH was a binge drinker. He can go a number of months without drinking. But when he does drink, it's complete chaos, lying, trouble, compulsiveness, and horror. For an unpredictable amount of time, days or weeks or months. Then for a while he doesn't drink. Then the whole cycle starts up again. Over and over and over. I wouldn't say he's ever "dry." He's just a binge drinker. They like to claim they're not alcoholics because they don't drink every day. Like the complete chaos when they do drink is not even worth mentioning.
But it doesn't even sound like your guy is between binges.
Unfortunately one truth about alcoholism is that unless arrested by a formal program of recovery or by death, it doesn't get better on its own, it just gets worse. Please take good care of yourself.
Hello,
For those of you who have seen my previous posts, I am the one about to have a baby (2 days) and my ABF went through a horrible relapse (yelling, anger, verbal abuse, slamming things around). Well, now he is coming out of it and last night it was really bothering me because I feel like he thinks that everything will be ok and I won't leave him. I had finally come home after staying at his mom's house for a week. Well, last night I reminded him that I am moving out unless he has any plans real soon to get REAL PROFESSIONAL HELP. He has only been to one therapist for a short period of time, and the therapist was a joke. The therapist actually introduced him and I (blind date)- that is another story (he should be dis-barred). Other than that, no sold aftercare basically... ever.
He white knuckled it and got sober for 1 full year, the year I got pregnant. Me not having extensive knowledge in addiction, when things were good again you feel like all is right with the world and you don't think about that ugly demon coming back into your life. I'm trying not to get taken away in the dream this time, where he is "ok" now and all is right with the world. I am having to remind myself to stay true to this very hard boundary of "aftercare treatment or I leave". Before that, his longest time sober was 4 months. He had a couple other 2 monthers, and maybe another 4 monther since I have been with him. My hope was so naive, that I thought that ol' mighty he, would have that rare ability to stay sober without getting special help. This last relapse though was a doozy though, and was a game-changer with our baby about to come into the world. The relapses are awful with his extreme temper/anger (has not gotten physical with me as of yet). I'm doing my best to stick with my boundary, and not get swept away with the nice sweet other man I fell in love with and feel nothing could go wrong. It's terrible.
Please share your experience that you may have with a dry drunk, or if you knew of someone. What did you learn about that person? Any feedback appreciated. Thanks!!
(((LoveNHope))))
I am sorry you are going through this. I hope that you keep you and your unborn baby safe.
My experience with my AH was that with both meth and alcohol addiction, he would say ANYTHING to keep the status quo. He lied to his therapist over and over, and of course he lied to me. More times than I care to admit. But, in the inbetween times, you see a hint of the person you loved, so you keep hanging in there, hoping things will change. Things will never change unless HE WANTS THEM TO CHANGE. My AH is very cranky and downright mean when he is "dry." And in all our 26 years of marriage, he has never normally had a mean bone in his body!
I don't believe there is any "half-way" of doing recovery, and if your qualifier says "I don't like going to meetings b/c I am not like those losers," or "Meetings make me think of the times when I was using, and I just want to forget that even happened" (my AH's two favorite quotes), then they are not ready for recovery and will just tell you what you want to hear.
I know he is the father of your child, but you are not married... so make decisions that are the best for YOU AND YOUR BABY. No one else. Children in alcoholic families are always affected in some way - usually not good. When he has more than a year of sobriety, and stays rooted in recovery (no thinking he doesn't have to stay vigilant), then perhaps you will be open to a relationship with him.
All I know is what I have experienced. In hindsight, if not marrying my AH would've spared me this trauma, I would've walked away. No, I would've run!!
Stay safe.
My experience is the same as PosiesandPuppies's experience.
However, from what you say, I don't think you have a dry drunk. I think you have a drunk drunk.
My ex-AH was a binge drinker. He can go a number of months without drinking. But when he does drink, it's complete chaos, lying, trouble, compulsiveness, and horror. For an unpredictable amount of time, days or weeks or months. Then for a while he doesn't drink. Then the whole cycle starts up again. Over and over and over. I wouldn't say he's ever "dry." He's just a binge drinker. They like to claim they're not alcoholics because they don't drink every day. Like the complete chaos when they do drink is not even worth mentioning.
But it doesn't even sound like your guy is between binges.
Unfortunately one truth about alcoholism is that unless arrested by a formal program of recovery or by death, it doesn't get better on its own, it just gets worse. Please take good care of yourself.