I've suspected my husband has a drinking problem for several years now - but he always drank at night after I'd gone to bed and hid the amount. In the last few months he's started drinking earlier and even sometimes going out twice a night to the store. Was a six pack a night now I suspect twice that or more - every single night. He doesn't work - has been 'self employed' for a few years now but really doesn't do much and I've begged and begged for him to get a job. Finally got one - managed to keep for a couple of months before he got fired for calling in sick ALL THE TIME. The sad thing is that he is usually nicer when he is drinking - at least for the first couple of hours. I've about hit my limit - I do 90% of the things around the house and pay 100% of the bills. He does a few odd jobs here and there - just enough to afford to drink. I've asked him to get help asked him to go to meetings etc. and he has no interest. Says it is none of my business. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. From what I've read on alcoholism this is just going to continue to go down hill unless he wants to stop.
DavidG said
May 16, 2017
Hi heyou...
its not often I greet a newcomer these days... likely as not you will get replies here... in the bad old days we used to say- 10% of women leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of husbands stay with their alcoholic wives.
An indictment of the times... and thankfully things have changed. Alanon offer support, and sometimes hope... but we all make the decisions ourselves. We have all been down this road, one way or another... none of us are strangers to the trials and difficulties ahead...
...i hope this does sound like a kind word. But more than that... inside of the rooms we do share just so much... I discovered hope- and this set me on a journey... so glad i took the first step.
Take care my friend...
...
shrnp said
May 16, 2017
Heyou, Welcome to MIP. Alanon is a great program for families of alcoholic to learn how to navigate their behavior and not let it effect you. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse in time. You can talk to people that have been in the same situation as you, and that makes us feel not so out of place. Glad you are here.
hotrod said
May 17, 2017
Welcome Heyou, You are not alone . Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities will offer you new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to learn from. It is suggested that you attend meetings for at least 6 months before deciding about actions to take. Living one day at a time, focused on my self helped me to see what new actions I could take to improve my life. Keep coming back. There is hope
heyou said
May 17, 2017
Thank you all - I will look to see about meetings in my area. I appreciate the replies - this has been going on for about 5 years now - but gotten worse in the last 6-8 months. I try to stay positive and not let it affect me - but when I'm the one financially responsible for everything it makes it very hard.
Thanks again!!!
Iamhere said
May 17, 2017
I to send warm welcomes to you. Keep coming back and no you are not alone. There is tons of help at home in recovery.
Bo said
May 17, 2017
heyou wrote:
I've suspected my husband has a drinking problem for several years now - but he always drank at night after I'd gone to bed and hid the amount. In the last few months he's started drinking earlier and even sometimes going out twice a night to the store. Was a six pack a night now I suspect twice that or more - every single night. He doesn't work - has been 'self employed' for a few years now but really doesn't do much and I've begged and begged for him to get a job. Finally got one - managed to keep for a couple of months before he got fired for calling in sick ALL THE TIME. The sad thing is that he is usually nicer when he is drinking - at least for the first couple of hours. I've about hit my limit - I do 90% of the things around the house and pay 100% of the bills. He does a few odd jobs here and there - just enough to afford to drink. I've asked him to get help asked him to go to meetings etc. and he has no interest. Says it is none of my business. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. From what I've read on alcoholism this is just going to continue to go down hill unless he wants to stop.
Welcome. I took the liberty of underlining a few key things you said. You are exactly right! Period. You've hit your limit and arrived at the point where you've said ENOUGH. No more. You no longer want to live your life like this. You can't imagine living the rest of your life life this. You said. He as no interest in getting help. All he wants to do is drink. That is what his life has become -- his entire life is about drinking. Yes, this will continue to get worse -- it is a progressive, insidious, and debilitating disease, for the alcoholic and the alcoholic's family, friends, loved ones, etc.
So, why is this happening? Because he is an alcoholic. He is sick. He will not quit, he will not get better -- unless and until he wants to. Period. There is nothing you can do about that...but there is plenty you can do for you.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor and start learning, focusing on you, and you will get better. Then, when you are healthy, in a better place in your own head, then you can made some decisions. Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
May 17, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
I to send warm welcomes to you. Keep coming back and no you are not alone. There is tons of help at home in recovery.
I used voice-texting while driving - well - it kind of works.....ROFL - let me correct this a bit!
I too send warm welcomes to you. Know you are not alone. There is tons of help and hope in recovery.
This disease is progressive and powerful. It affects those who are around it too, and we often develop distorted ways of thinking and reacting. Al-Anon is for friends and family and can help you learn more about the disease and the diseased. It gives us tools to help correct the affects of the disease on us and extensive support from others who are also affected.
We do not offer advice or give orders, but instead share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to help you see how others have dealt with situations and the disease.
We do encourage folks to try some Al-Anon meetings and go as often as you can. If you want to recover, there are steps we suggest and having a sponsor gives you direct access to one-on-one support.
Please keep coming back and know you aren't alone. Each of us here has been affected by the disease so can relate!
Jerry F said
May 17, 2017
Aloha Hey you and welcome to the board and MIP family. We who come here have been and at times still are where you are at right now. Alcoholism is not only progressive and often is fatal for the alcoholic and others touched by this incurable disease. Some of us like myself were born and raised in it and the ones we marry means we are doing the same things over and over again expecting different results...often called insanity. We who participate in the Al-Anon Family Groups have come to understand too that we played a part in the ism of alcoholism. While we do the best we can to and for the alcoholic most of the time that results in the disease getting worse because we enable the drinking to get worse and worse while we are try to make things better. One of my tactics was drinking with my alcoholic/addict wife(s) so they could learn how to do it right...none got it right not even me. My last wife finally found sobriety thru rehabilitation and AA. It saved her life and mine and while we are no longer married (usual outcome) she was alive and well the last time I held her in my arms.
The suggestion to find and attend face to face meetings in your area is a "best" suggestion and then keep coming here to give away what you learn works so others can also get their lives back. Everyone who has responded to you here is a hero of mine...they help to keep me happy and alive. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Skorpi said
May 18, 2017
Welcome, Heyou,
I hear in your share a lot of what I felt before coming to AlAnon. The weight of the responsibility for bills, keeping thing going at home, etc. weighed on me. Attending AlAnon meetings, focusing on myself and defining what my boundaries were helped me immensely. I hope you are able to visit a face-to-face meeting in your area, and I hope you keep coming back here. (((hugs)))
KT2015 said
May 18, 2017
Hi and welcome to the board.
I can relate to your post too. I reached a point where I was fed up. And now I am so glad I did because reaching that level of frustration and pain drove me to seek support I never would have sought before. I walked into Al Anon a mess but ready for help and I got it. I too have learned to keep the focus on me. One of my program friends early on would listen to me talk all about my AH and how much he drank etc. and she would keep saying to me "the Alcoholic is going to drink.....what are you are going to do?" It really helped me in the beginning to stop focusing so much on him and to focus more on myself. I continue to grow and become more and more healthy. I am grateful for that!
Face to face meetings are what I would recommend as well.
Take care,
Stan1 said
May 18, 2017
Welcome heyou to MIP. Those who have given their ESH before me pretty much said it all. Sometimes the pain of reaching 'Enough ' is exactly what is needed to move forward. You reached the door of Al-anon, please keep coming back. Going to F2F meetings, working the steps and reading the literature adds bonus to your program. Thank you for your share.
I've suspected my husband has a drinking problem for several years now - but he always drank at night after I'd gone to bed and hid the amount. In the last few months he's started drinking earlier and even sometimes going out twice a night to the store. Was a six pack a night now I suspect twice that or more - every single night. He doesn't work - has been 'self employed' for a few years now but really doesn't do much and I've begged and begged for him to get a job. Finally got one - managed to keep for a couple of months before he got fired for calling in sick ALL THE TIME. The sad thing is that he is usually nicer when he is drinking - at least for the first couple of hours. I've about hit my limit - I do 90% of the things around the house and pay 100% of the bills. He does a few odd jobs here and there - just enough to afford to drink. I've asked him to get help asked him to go to meetings etc. and he has no interest. Says it is none of my business. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. From what I've read on alcoholism this is just going to continue to go down hill unless he wants to stop.
Hi heyou...
its not often I greet a newcomer these days... likely as not you will get replies here... in the bad old days we used to say- 10% of women leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of husbands stay with their alcoholic wives.
An indictment of the times... and thankfully things have changed. Alanon offer support, and sometimes hope... but we all make the decisions ourselves. We have all been down this road, one way or another... none of us are strangers to the trials and difficulties ahead...
...i hope this does sound like a kind word. But more than that... inside of the rooms we do share just so much... I discovered hope- and this set me on a journey... so glad i took the first step.
Take care my friend...
Heyou,
Welcome to MIP. Alanon is a great program for families of alcoholic to learn how to navigate their behavior and not let it effect you. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse in time. You can talk to people that have been in the same situation as you, and that makes us feel not so out of place. Glad you are here.
Welcome Heyou, You are not alone . Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities will offer you new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to learn from. It is suggested that you attend meetings for at least 6 months before deciding about actions to take. Living one day at a time, focused on my self helped me to see what new actions I could take to improve my life.
Keep coming back. There is hope
Thanks again!!!
Welcome. I took the liberty of underlining a few key things you said. You are exactly right! Period. You've hit your limit and arrived at the point where you've said ENOUGH. No more. You no longer want to live your life like this. You can't imagine living the rest of your life life this. You said. He as no interest in getting help. All he wants to do is drink. That is what his life has become -- his entire life is about drinking. Yes, this will continue to get worse -- it is a progressive, insidious, and debilitating disease, for the alcoholic and the alcoholic's family, friends, loved ones, etc.
So, why is this happening? Because he is an alcoholic. He is sick. He will not quit, he will not get better -- unless and until he wants to. Period. There is nothing you can do about that...but there is plenty you can do for you.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor and start learning, focusing on you, and you will get better. Then, when you are healthy, in a better place in your own head, then you can made some decisions. Keep coming back.
I used voice-texting while driving - well - it kind of works.....ROFL - let me correct this a bit!
I too send warm welcomes to you. Know you are not alone. There is tons of help and hope in recovery.
This disease is progressive and powerful. It affects those who are around it too, and we often develop distorted ways of thinking and reacting. Al-Anon is for friends and family and can help you learn more about the disease and the diseased. It gives us tools to help correct the affects of the disease on us and extensive support from others who are also affected.
We do not offer advice or give orders, but instead share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to help you see how others have dealt with situations and the disease.
We do encourage folks to try some Al-Anon meetings and go as often as you can. If you want to recover, there are steps we suggest and having a sponsor gives you direct access to one-on-one support.
Please keep coming back and know you aren't alone. Each of us here has been affected by the disease so can relate!
Aloha Hey you and welcome to the board and MIP family. We who come here have been and at times still are where you are at right now. Alcoholism is not only progressive and often is fatal for the alcoholic and others touched by this incurable disease. Some of us like myself were born and raised in it and the ones we marry means we are doing the same things over and over again expecting different results...often called insanity. We who participate in the Al-Anon Family Groups have come to understand too that we played a part in the ism of alcoholism. While we do the best we can to and for the alcoholic most of the time that results in the disease getting worse because we enable the drinking to get worse and worse while we are try to make things better. One of my tactics was drinking with my alcoholic/addict wife(s) so they could learn how to do it right...none got it right not even me. My last wife finally found sobriety thru rehabilitation and AA. It saved her life and mine and while we are no longer married (usual outcome) she was alive and well the last time I held her in my arms.
The suggestion to find and attend face to face meetings in your area is a "best" suggestion and then keep coming here to give away what you learn works so others can also get their lives back. Everyone who has responded to you here is a hero of mine...they help to keep me happy and alive. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I hear in your share a lot of what I felt before coming to AlAnon. The weight of the responsibility for bills, keeping thing going at home, etc. weighed on me. Attending AlAnon meetings, focusing on myself and defining what my boundaries were helped me immensely. I hope you are able to visit a face-to-face meeting in your area, and I hope you keep coming back here. (((hugs)))
I can relate to your post too. I reached a point where I was fed up. And now I am so glad I did because reaching that level of frustration and pain drove me to seek support I never would have sought before. I walked into Al Anon a mess but ready for help and I got it. I too have learned to keep the focus on me. One of my program friends early on would listen to me talk all about my AH and how much he drank etc. and she would keep saying to me "the Alcoholic is going to drink.....what are you are going to do?" It really helped me in the beginning to stop focusing so much on him and to focus more on myself. I continue to grow and become more and more healthy. I am grateful for that!
Face to face meetings are what I would recommend as well.
Take care,