My 30 year old single daughter has relapsed again and has entered rehab For the 4th time. She was sober for almost 3 years, but started drinking again when she started dating a guy who drinks moderately. She told him early on in the relationship that she was an alcoholic. Unfortunately he started excluding her her from social events with his friends because she didn't drink and felt they would feel like she was judging them. The boyfriend thought that if she drank only a little that she would be ok. She thought too she could probably handle one or two drinks to blend in. Obviously neither understood what a relapse again would mean to her. She also takes strong medication for panic attacks, which when mixed with alcohol, can be a deadly cocktail. Things turned ugly real fast, and after babysitting her for months, her dumped her. She promised him she would get sober again, if he would give their relationship another chance. She thought this guy was the one, and wanted to marry him. He offered no promises, little support, and told her she embarrassed him in front of his friends. She was a mess, and drank even more. She would pass out and miss work day after day. Her friends as well as me and my husband encouraged her to get help. She entered rehab last weekend, and has reached out to the ex boyfriend to talk and maybe visit her there, but he refuses to even answer her calls. I feel so bad for her! This guy is despicable! Why can't he at least offer her a few words of encouragement? What kind of person acts like that? They were together for a year and a half. I have his cell number, and have thought about either calling or texting him to give him a piece of my mind! Because she lives far away, I took a flight to where she lives to take care of her pets in her absence. My deepest fear is that she will go through the rehab process again, be ok for awhile, and then relapse when I leave. I'm trying to be positive about this whole situation, and I know she is the only one who can get get her sobriety back, but I'm still worried. I've been down this road before. . I feel like the ex boyfriend will still be a big issue in what will happen to her. This is really a life threatening situation.
hotrod said
May 16, 2017
((Helplesss Mom))) I have experienced a very similar situation with my son. Remembering that we are powerless over people places and things helped me not to call his GF and to continue to attend my alanon meetings. She is in the right place, trust the process and HP and practice the first 3 Steps. There are no guarantees but taking care of ourselves is extremely important.
el-cee said
May 16, 2017
Hi Helpless mom, I so understand how this feels, its so awful to watch your child spiral like this. Have you and your husband considered Alanon? Its a family disease and each member gets sick. I did and I enabled which is very dangerous for a drinker. The idea we have in our heads that we must 'help' and fix and sort it out is strong and it actually has the opposite effect and harms the drinker.
I understand your need to 'blame' someone, its human to try to find the cause of it all and if we find the cause we might find the solution. Im sorry but there is no cause that I found or a solution and i tried for years and years. Your daughters boyfriend sounds like a strong and healthy man who has enough self esteem to know he doesnt want alcoholism in his life. He never caused it in her and he cant cure it no matter what course of action he chose and in fact hes giving your daughter the proper consequences of her drinking which is the most likely to help her.
The problem alcoholics usually have that can end up killing them is a partner who has no or little boundaries and gives chance after chance, doesnt stick to their word etc, the disease thrives in this. Your daughter is most likely to recover under the current conditions, ie no boyfriend because he stuck to his word than a co dependent boyfriend who keeps playing the game and wont get off the merrygoround.
I understand the desire we Mothers have to see our alcoholic children with a partner that will look after them. To our distorted thinking it offers the best chance of a 'normal' life and gives us peace of mind in the short term. In realty, it usually just brings another person into the whole mess, another who gets hurt and sick and in need of recovery. Have a listen to alcoholics who finally got recovery, on Youtube, they only got it because they were finally allowed to fall, have the consequences, told no etc and were forced to face their own disease. They often say they are most thankful to those that said no and let them go.
SerenityRUS said
May 16, 2017
Welcome back HM,
I think I'm a little confused by your post because there are some inconsistencies based upon your share last year.
I hope that you are attending meetings as well as finding another sponsor. It all helps a great deal in finding out what it is that you need in your own healing.
Best of luck to you.
S :)
Iamhere said
May 16, 2017
I too welcome you back HM - sorry for the worry you have regarding your daughter's relapse. I too suggest getting aligned with Al-Anon as best you can - it will give you the healthiest tools available to best support your daughter and her recovery.
I seriously doubt the ex BF would take a call from you if he won't take a call from her. I suspect, based on my own experience, that all you've heard is from her POV. For the person trying to live with another with this disease, magnify it by at least 100 to better understand why he's removed himself from the picture - which is his right and his choice.
She will get the support, guidance and counseling necessary to return to a sober life while in treatment. She's in the best place possible. If you aren't already in recovery, it would serve you and she both to do so.
Please keep coming back here - you are not alone. It's very hard to watch those we gave birth to suffer with this disease. They do recover if they are willing to do the work required.
shrnp said
May 16, 2017
helpless mom,
I am sorry your daughter relapsed. She is in the best place right now and that should be a relief. I would concentrate on what is happening now, you can only take things one day at a time. You cannot blame her boyfriend, it is her disease, not his. Part of recovery is learning how to choose the best people to be around. Good luck.
My 30 year old single daughter has relapsed again and has entered rehab For the 4th time. She was sober for almost 3 years, but started drinking again when she started dating a guy who drinks moderately. She told him early on in the relationship that she was an alcoholic. Unfortunately he started excluding her her from social events with his friends because she didn't drink and felt they would feel like she was judging them. The boyfriend thought that if she drank only a little that she would be ok. She thought too she could probably handle one or two drinks to blend in. Obviously neither understood what a relapse again would mean to her. She also takes strong medication for panic attacks, which when mixed with alcohol, can be a deadly cocktail. Things turned ugly real fast, and after babysitting her for months, her dumped her. She promised him she would get sober again, if he would give their relationship another chance. She thought this guy was the one, and wanted to marry him. He offered no promises, little support, and told her she embarrassed him in front of his friends. She was a mess, and drank even more. She would pass out and miss work day after day. Her friends as well as me and my husband encouraged her to get help. She entered rehab last weekend, and has reached out to the ex boyfriend to talk and maybe visit her there, but he refuses to even answer her calls. I feel so bad for her! This guy is despicable! Why can't he at least offer her a few words of encouragement? What kind of person acts like that? They were together for a year and a half. I have his cell number, and have thought about either calling or texting him to give him a piece of my mind! Because she lives far away, I took a flight to where she lives to take care of her pets in her absence. My deepest fear is that she will go through the rehab process again, be ok for awhile, and then relapse when I leave. I'm trying to be positive about this whole situation, and I know she is the only one who can get get her sobriety back, but I'm still worried. I've been down this road before. . I feel like the ex boyfriend will still be a big issue in what will happen to her. This is really a life threatening situation.
((Helplesss Mom))) I have experienced a very similar situation with my son. Remembering that we are powerless over people places and things helped me not to call his GF and to continue to attend my alanon meetings. She is in the right place, trust the process and HP and practice the first 3 Steps. There are no guarantees but taking care of ourselves is extremely important.
I understand your need to 'blame' someone, its human to try to find the cause of it all and if we find the cause we might find the solution. Im sorry but there is no cause that I found or a solution and i tried for years and years. Your daughters boyfriend sounds like a strong and healthy man who has enough self esteem to know he doesnt want alcoholism in his life. He never caused it in her and he cant cure it no matter what course of action he chose and in fact hes giving your daughter the proper consequences of her drinking which is the most likely to help her.
The problem alcoholics usually have that can end up killing them is a partner who has no or little boundaries and gives chance after chance, doesnt stick to their word etc, the disease thrives in this. Your daughter is most likely to recover under the current conditions, ie no boyfriend because he stuck to his word than a co dependent boyfriend who keeps playing the game and wont get off the merrygoround.
I understand the desire we Mothers have to see our alcoholic children with a partner that will look after them. To our distorted thinking it offers the best chance of a 'normal' life and gives us peace of mind in the short term. In realty, it usually just brings another person into the whole mess, another who gets hurt and sick and in need of recovery. Have a listen to alcoholics who finally got recovery, on Youtube, they only got it because they were finally allowed to fall, have the consequences, told no etc and were forced to face their own disease. They often say they are most thankful to those that said no and let them go.
I think I'm a little confused by your post because there are some inconsistencies based upon your share last year.
I hope that you are attending meetings as well as finding another sponsor. It all helps a great deal in finding out what it is that you need in your own healing.
Best of luck to you.
S :)
I seriously doubt the ex BF would take a call from you if he won't take a call from her. I suspect, based on my own experience, that all you've heard is from her POV. For the person trying to live with another with this disease, magnify it by at least 100 to better understand why he's removed himself from the picture - which is his right and his choice.
She will get the support, guidance and counseling necessary to return to a sober life while in treatment. She's in the best place possible. If you aren't already in recovery, it would serve you and she both to do so.
Please keep coming back here - you are not alone. It's very hard to watch those we gave birth to suffer with this disease. They do recover if they are willing to do the work required.
I am sorry your daughter relapsed. She is in the best place right now and that should be a relief. I would concentrate on what is happening now, you can only take things one day at a time. You cannot blame her boyfriend, it is her disease, not his. Part of recovery is learning how to choose the best people to be around. Good luck.