Dealing with Deep Loneliness from childhood as an ACOA Adult
Charlotte22 said
May 15, 2017
Hi Everyone, I want to break my shame around this but i am in my 50s and separated approx 1.5 years ago and having SUCh a hard time separating from my ex who still wants to be with me. He will not go to counselling and had addictive behaviour and i just do NOT want to go back but I feel extremely lonely and all of my friends are married and very busy. I have a 14 year old son and I am just trying to start up a business so I have way too much free time on my hands = years ago i would have loved this.
I am in therapy now and the therapist says that this feeling of Extreme loneliness and isolation is because my father was an alcoholic and my mother could not meet my emotional needs as a child. I have read about this and it is VERY extreme and when I have no one around on the weekends i feel that I may just disappear. I was a lone a lot in my 30s and for some reason did better with it. It is ike a layer of the ONION is peeled off and my higher power wants me to feel this but it is extremely hard. We only have 2 meetings for Al anon in my small city and there is cross talk so I use the phone bridge. I DO try to make plans with friends on weekends when I can but they rarely can get together. I am reaching out to try to make new friends.
I am praying to HEAL this inner "hole" and hope that eventually I can stay on my own for a day without feeling like i will die or disappear. If my son is busy I usually try to do yoga, take a walk, and watch a movie. I wish I could just ENJOY this time. I am trying to find other things to do.
Does anyone else have this kind of deep loneliness and does it ever heal? She says that it does but I CANNOT hang out with my ex and then ask that it heal.
I have prayed about this alot
any experience strength and hope?
Thank you!! xx
Mattie said
May 15, 2017
Hi, Charlotte - I imagine many of us know very much how you feel. I think that feeling of invisibility is common to those of us who weren't "seen" as children.
My experience is that addicts can never "see" us either - they leave us craving more even if they are around us every minute. Sometimes the chaos and turmoil distracts from our loneliness, but not in any kind of healing way.
Do you have a meeting? A wonderful place to find people who "get" us is in the rooms where we can be ourselves. Not that everyone there is in a good place to be a close friend just at this moment - but people who are working on their emotional health are the kind we want! And the kind who will truly see us.
Hugs. Take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.
a4l said
May 15, 2017
Loneliness I feel most when I an also feeling disconnected. A powerful exercise I received many years ago was the question, who am I? What is it about me that makes me, me?
Today there are three sources of identity which give me a sense of connectedness. One is my heritage of Polynesian ancestry, two is my lived experience as a woman in the world, third is my recovery. Each of these things are collectives of which I both belong to that also belong to me. So where ever and how ever I may give to these collectives is also how I come to receive. Knowing who I am means I have confidence simply in being, not necessarily in doing. Life and connections open up therein. New conversations with old people and old conversations with new people arise. Also, each of my collectives may be found in books and in the written word, that I may spend time in good company when ever I desire to do so. I have found great peace in discovering my own creative talents and embracing them, particularly writing as an expression of thought. Get to know you during this time, it is an amazing process. You are not alone my friend, keep coming back! ( I am also an acoa).
hotrod said
May 15, 2017
Hello Charlotte I was told years ago that this was a "God Hole" and that HP would fill it. I did experience this once i worked the Steps.
Iamhere said
May 15, 2017
(((Charlotte))) - so very sorry that you're struggling ... I do hear you and am sending you some positive thoughts and prayers. The only way that I know how to deal with 'left-over' pain from the past is by working the steps. For me, counseling, therapy, support groups (non recovery) didn't advance my healing. They did help me identify what might be the source of my pain/anxiety, and then I would kind of get stuck again.
For me, there has been a ton of healing in relating to others in recovery who truly understand. Even without any advice or words, knowing that I am heard and I am loved helps me to process. My sponsor has been a gift like no other and led me graciously through the steps of recovery.
I now know that I was one who often looked for love, acceptance and value in all the wrong places. Recovery has taught me that no human power can relieve me of my insanity. This includes those I love dearly, alcoholic or not as well as those who try to. I am now a firm believer that with aided recovery, I learned to value myself. When I value me as much as I value others, my attitudes and outlooks changed. I could accept me and others exactly as they and I are/am - imperfect doing what I can to live one day at a time in an imperfect world.
Recovery is a wonderful gift and it's available to everyone. One key thing that kept me returning to meetings was the hope I found in others who came before me. When they shared their ESH with me, I could relate at times and not always yet - the changed attitudes and outlooks I saw were enough to give me the hope that I too could deal/heal from the wreckage of my past.
For me, as with you, not all that pained me originated with the disease in my AH. What the steps helped me see is I had some insanity well before I was ever introduced to the disease. Nature, nurture, too much, too little - hard to say absolutely, but I was primed to pick an alcoholic and then be a slave to this disease for as long as I can remember.
In addition to meetings, I often listed to speakers online. I also attended online meetings as often as I could when I was really raw/hurting/trying to get through a day. I started taking long walks, and then began jogging. I did join a gym and I also went to open AA meetings. I've always enjoyed music and got some good earbuds and began listening to music often/again. I also read a ton of literature, and other - I enjoy reading. I did anything I could to busy myself and my mind so that I would stop obsessing about all that was broken in and around me. I also starting cooking and baking more and slowly realized that I was putting me, my wants and my needs first....it was a slow transition but it does work when we work it.
I was often reminded by others that this too shall pass. It does, one day at a time! Be gentle with you and know that change takes time but it's worth it. Keep coming back!
shrnp said
May 15, 2017
Charlotte,
I have experienced this loneliness and it does get better. I use to try to occupy myself and would get distracted because I was still depressed and had a hard time concentrating. I remember going to dinners with my family and not feeling as if I was a part of what was going on. I would wonder why I felt so disconnected. I knew that breaking up with my A was the best thing that could happen but that did not make it easy. Relying on my Hp has been the biggest help of all.
Hi Everyone, I want to break my shame around this but i am in my 50s and separated approx 1.5 years ago and having SUCh a hard time separating from my ex who still wants to be with me. He will not go to counselling and had addictive behaviour and i just do NOT want to go back but I feel extremely lonely and all of my friends are married and very busy. I have a 14 year old son and I am just trying to start up a business so I have way too much free time on my hands = years ago i would have loved this.
I am in therapy now and the therapist says that this feeling of Extreme loneliness and isolation is because my father was an alcoholic and my mother could not meet my emotional needs as a child. I have read about this and it is VERY extreme and when I have no one around on the weekends i feel that I may just disappear. I was a lone a lot in my 30s and for some reason did better with it. It is ike a layer of the ONION is peeled off and my higher power wants me to feel this but it is extremely hard. We only have 2 meetings for Al anon in my small city and there is cross talk so I use the phone bridge. I DO try to make plans with friends on weekends when I can but they rarely can get together. I am reaching out to try to make new friends.
I am praying to HEAL this inner "hole" and hope that eventually I can stay on my own for a day without feeling like i will die or disappear. If my son is busy I usually try to do yoga, take a walk, and watch a movie. I wish I could just ENJOY this time. I am trying to find other things to do.
Does anyone else have this kind of deep loneliness and does it ever heal? She says that it does but I CANNOT hang out with my ex and then ask that it heal.
I have prayed about this alot
any experience strength and hope?
Thank you!! xx
Hi, Charlotte - I imagine many of us know very much how you feel. I think that feeling of invisibility is common to those of us who weren't "seen" as children.
My experience is that addicts can never "see" us either - they leave us craving more even if they are around us every minute. Sometimes the chaos and turmoil distracts from our loneliness, but not in any kind of healing way.
Do you have a meeting? A wonderful place to find people who "get" us is in the rooms where we can be ourselves. Not that everyone there is in a good place to be a close friend just at this moment - but people who are working on their emotional health are the kind we want! And the kind who will truly see us.
Hugs. Take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Hello Charlotte I was told years ago that this was a "God Hole" and that HP would fill it. I did experience this once i worked the Steps.
For me, there has been a ton of healing in relating to others in recovery who truly understand. Even without any advice or words, knowing that I am heard and I am loved helps me to process. My sponsor has been a gift like no other and led me graciously through the steps of recovery.
I now know that I was one who often looked for love, acceptance and value in all the wrong places. Recovery has taught me that no human power can relieve me of my insanity. This includes those I love dearly, alcoholic or not as well as those who try to. I am now a firm believer that with aided recovery, I learned to value myself. When I value me as much as I value others, my attitudes and outlooks changed. I could accept me and others exactly as they and I are/am - imperfect doing what I can to live one day at a time in an imperfect world.
Recovery is a wonderful gift and it's available to everyone. One key thing that kept me returning to meetings was the hope I found in others who came before me. When they shared their ESH with me, I could relate at times and not always yet - the changed attitudes and outlooks I saw were enough to give me the hope that I too could deal/heal from the wreckage of my past.
For me, as with you, not all that pained me originated with the disease in my AH. What the steps helped me see is I had some insanity well before I was ever introduced to the disease. Nature, nurture, too much, too little - hard to say absolutely, but I was primed to pick an alcoholic and then be a slave to this disease for as long as I can remember.
In addition to meetings, I often listed to speakers online. I also attended online meetings as often as I could when I was really raw/hurting/trying to get through a day. I started taking long walks, and then began jogging. I did join a gym and I also went to open AA meetings. I've always enjoyed music and got some good earbuds and began listening to music often/again. I also read a ton of literature, and other - I enjoy reading. I did anything I could to busy myself and my mind so that I would stop obsessing about all that was broken in and around me. I also starting cooking and baking more and slowly realized that I was putting me, my wants and my needs first....it was a slow transition but it does work when we work it.
I was often reminded by others that this too shall pass. It does, one day at a time! Be gentle with you and know that change takes time but it's worth it. Keep coming back!
I have experienced this loneliness and it does get better. I use to try to occupy myself and would get distracted because I was still depressed and had a hard time concentrating. I remember going to dinners with my family and not feeling as if I was a part of what was going on. I would wonder why I felt so disconnected. I knew that breaking up with my A was the best thing that could happen but that did not make it easy. Relying on my Hp has been the biggest help of all.