I have been trying something different in regards to my mom. Ironically I would consider her my qualifier even though she doesn't drink or at least like she used to and I totally get it.
One thing I have been trying to really do is I do control the amount of time I engage with her and how I choose to engage. This year I decided to try something different .. there was one experience (and I am TOTALLY this stubborn) I was 10/11 and she went on and on about something I had gotten her for mother's day and I really tried .. lol .. it's not like I had a job at the time. That was the last time I actually did anything for her for mother's day .. after that it was whatever and even cards for birthday's are hard for me because Hallmark doesn't make a sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted .. LOL .. I looked and thought maybe I'd get the sorry you aren't the parent I asked for either .. no luck .. LOL.
Becoming a single parent of 2 really did open my eyes to a lot of what my mother has been through, some of the fear, loneliness, frustration, lack of patience and so on. BTW .. my mother had it worse according to her .. LOL .. at one point during communication while I was moving here to TX I had to stop communication with her because she got that out of control. She makes things up as she goes it has made me question her mental make up.
She would randomly reach out I did not engage with her at that point because once again it was all about her .. nothing changes .. nothing changes. So we went through a while where I had nothing to say back. I would choose to do so again because for me it was better than telling her what I really thought. It was the kind thing to do.
Anyway, this year I decided that there are things I need to put to bed in my relationship with her. The reality is I'm never going to be the daughter she wanted and she's never going to be the parent I deserved .. I accept that part of the deal. Hallmark still doesn't make a card BTW .. lol. She has done a lot for the kids and I, for me it was the right thing to do so starting this past Easter I started sending flowers at the holidays. She's very much a flower person and no one has sent her flowers for years. I am talking to her over instant message as well as email. She's dropped hints about coming out for my daughter's graduation and honestly I am stressed enough I really don't want to deal with her as well.
My other issue is recently she tried to friend my BF who she's never spoken to or met on FB and I have a HUGE problem with that because while I have never blocked her she no longer has access to my page. She can see pictures I post in terms of profile kinds of pictures .. outside of that nothing else. I don't want her opinion ... because it's never positive. I don't want to share things with her because it's always a negative response. I'm working on letting that all go .. granted .. I will probably still choose not to share much because she's so harsh with people. He came to me asked who is so and so and I was like OMGOSH THAT is MY MOTHER!? LOL .. I told him please don't friend her and don't engage at this point .. she knows about him .. she knows what I want her to know and nothing else. She actually went through my daughter's page to find him .. I have her locked out of my friends window as well. So that SERIOUSLY made me not pleased.
So I don't have any oh wow this is going to fix everything expectation .. LOL .. I know my mom .. I also am working to let go of the damn it .. why can't you just be someone else expectation as well. That's a hard one. I want her to be who I think she should be and that's actually very limiting on my part .. she's not all bad. She's actually very funny. I wish she didn't hurt emotionally so much she would be easier to embrace.
Anyway .. just have a lot going on at the moment so I'm very reflective.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
May 15, 2017
Boy I can feel your consternation and only have my own experience with it including a departure scene between mom and me when I was leaving for active duty Navy. She go perturbed that I didn't fulfill the expectation of letting them take me to the departure station and in anxiety told me "you're not too old to get a slap". My mom was a physical abuser and at 18 I was done with it so I remarked, "Yeah I bet you would wouldn't you"? I took the dare on that and didn't get the slap. I left the next day with a self resentment feeling and still was okay most. It took years to level the relationship with mom which happened not long before she passed. My HP convinced me that since I was a therapist with others I could be therapist (within guidelines) with my parents during one of their frequent loud nasty squabbles and so I did with protocol I insisted on and gave them a 30 to 45 minute session with an agreement that they do not do anything but listen and then I left their home. The next night at the hospital as she waited for a surgery schedule for her broken hip...they called me back into the room and voiced their new awareness and appreciation. Just a part of my awareness was that she had been raised and married into the disease of alcoholism also and to my knowledge never had dealt with the miracle of compassion and empathy. Keep coming back...
(((hugs)))
hotrod said
May 15, 2017
(((Serenity)) Recovery looks great on you Love your reflections.
I have been trying something different in regards to my mom. Ironically I would consider her my qualifier even though she doesn't drink or at least like she used to and I totally get it.
One thing I have been trying to really do is I do control the amount of time I engage with her and how I choose to engage. This year I decided to try something different .. there was one experience (and I am TOTALLY this stubborn) I was 10/11 and she went on and on about something I had gotten her for mother's day and I really tried .. lol .. it's not like I had a job at the time. That was the last time I actually did anything for her for mother's day .. after that it was whatever and even cards for birthday's are hard for me because Hallmark doesn't make a sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted .. LOL .. I looked and thought maybe I'd get the sorry you aren't the parent I asked for either .. no luck .. LOL.
Becoming a single parent of 2 really did open my eyes to a lot of what my mother has been through, some of the fear, loneliness, frustration, lack of patience and so on. BTW .. my mother had it worse according to her .. LOL .. at one point during communication while I was moving here to TX I had to stop communication with her because she got that out of control. She makes things up as she goes it has made me question her mental make up.
She would randomly reach out I did not engage with her at that point because once again it was all about her .. nothing changes .. nothing changes. So we went through a while where I had nothing to say back. I would choose to do so again because for me it was better than telling her what I really thought. It was the kind thing to do.
Anyway, this year I decided that there are things I need to put to bed in my relationship with her. The reality is I'm never going to be the daughter she wanted and she's never going to be the parent I deserved .. I accept that part of the deal. Hallmark still doesn't make a card BTW .. lol. She has done a lot for the kids and I, for me it was the right thing to do so starting this past Easter I started sending flowers at the holidays. She's very much a flower person and no one has sent her flowers for years. I am talking to her over instant message as well as email. She's dropped hints about coming out for my daughter's graduation and honestly I am stressed enough I really don't want to deal with her as well.
My other issue is recently she tried to friend my BF who she's never spoken to or met on FB and I have a HUGE problem with that because while I have never blocked her she no longer has access to my page. She can see pictures I post in terms of profile kinds of pictures .. outside of that nothing else. I don't want her opinion ... because it's never positive. I don't want to share things with her because it's always a negative response. I'm working on letting that all go .. granted .. I will probably still choose not to share much because she's so harsh with people. He came to me asked who is so and so and I was like OMGOSH THAT is MY MOTHER!? LOL .. I told him please don't friend her and don't engage at this point .. she knows about him .. she knows what I want her to know and nothing else. She actually went through my daughter's page to find him .. I have her locked out of my friends window as well. So that SERIOUSLY made me not pleased.
So I don't have any oh wow this is going to fix everything expectation .. LOL .. I know my mom .. I also am working to let go of the damn it .. why can't you just be someone else expectation as well. That's a hard one. I want her to be who I think she should be and that's actually very limiting on my part .. she's not all bad. She's actually very funny. I wish she didn't hurt emotionally so much she would be easier to embrace.
Anyway .. just have a lot going on at the moment so I'm very reflective.
Hugs S :)
Boy I can feel your consternation and only have my own experience with it including a departure scene between mom and me when I was leaving for active duty Navy. She go perturbed that I didn't fulfill the expectation of letting them take me to the departure station and in anxiety told me "you're not too old to get a slap". My mom was a physical abuser and at 18 I was done with it so I remarked, "Yeah I bet you would wouldn't you"? I took the dare on that and didn't get the slap. I left the next day with a self resentment feeling and still was okay most. It took years to level the relationship with mom which happened not long before she passed. My HP convinced me that since I was a therapist with others I could be therapist (within guidelines) with my parents during one of their frequent loud nasty squabbles and so I did with protocol I insisted on and gave them a 30 to 45 minute session with an agreement that they do not do anything but listen and then I left their home. The next night at the hospital as she waited for a surgery schedule for her broken hip...they called me back into the room and voiced their new awareness and appreciation. Just a part of my awareness was that she had been raised and married into the disease of alcoholism also and to my knowledge never had dealt with the miracle of compassion and empathy. Keep coming back...
(((hugs)))