Just working through some feelings after attending my bf daughter's graduation yesterday. He was told in advance that she had plans for lunch with her mother and family and would be spending time afterwards with friends. It was an awkward situation when we met up with her after the graduation to take a few pictures. His ex was somewhere else but bf's former in laws were there. They greet him but seem to have a problem greeting me every time I run into them at these events. I have nothing to do with the break up of their daughter's marriage, she does, she ended it. Always feels so weird with them. I greeted them. 

After a couple of hours in the car and only an hour at the graduation, we got 15 minutes outside with the graduating daughter. His other kids were there, other ex wife's family members as well. Then graduating daughter thanked us as if we were the neighbors down the street "We were AWESOME for coming!" You know .. like this wasn't her dad and all. Bf responded that he wouldn't have missed it for the world but was hurt by her over the top response to our attendance at her graduation. He's tried very hard to keep reaching out to her and his other children but there really hasn't been much progress in creating a feeling of family with them for us. There's their mother and her family and her new husband and his family which by the way they refer to as their "new family," and then well.... there's us. So I thought maybe she would give us an hour or two this evening after spending time with all of them yesterday and the day with her mother today. She said she would be in touch with her dad about it early today. She got left a message late afternoon today saying she was going to stay longer with her mother and then go home to her new home 3-4 hours away from where we live. So this is how it is and I guess we need to quit asking and let her decide when and for what she wants to show up. Last year she blew off father's day. Bf was really hurt about that.

So I thought I did pretty well through the day but unfortunately the floodgates opened early last night and broke down in tears which resulted in him telling me he was sorry. Meanwhile I feel sorry for him for us for the sadness we feel because the phone calls don't get returned and their good news is always heard secondhand from extended family members. 

Sadder yet is to be reminded with Alanon slogans and tools by the recovering alcoholic in my life. Telling me have no control over what others think of us and acceptance along with his personal pride in his sobriety and having to accept that maybe people are never going to see him as the person he is today.  So the more he said the more I cried because I would have given anything to have had all these extra sober years with my own dad. 

Maybe someday huh.. Maybe someday they'll join us in recovery.  Just have to let go and accept what is for now.  Thanks for letting me share.  TT

Hugs TT,

Blended families are so hard, it doesn't matter how they are addiction based, recovery, or not, suiting up and showing up is everything, being consistent.

The other issue I am aware of in my situation is that I know what my XAH has put me through and the kids know .. my XAH pretends everything is fine and there is nothing to see here anymore so there is no need to discuss the past. Well sometimes it's best to deal with the past and get everything on the table and say this is what's going on .. that's me and how I prefer to deal with messy emotional situations. I just don't believe in calling a duck a goose if it's a damn duck .. let's deal with the duck. He lacks the maturity to do so.

My daughter said it best when she expressed herself by saying mom, it's hard to have a relationship with someone when I know we are both just going to pretend everything is fine and in my mind I'm screaming everything is NOT fine. In that regard I think my kids are very much like me. Let's talk about it and move forward .. don't pretend it's all good when no .. it's not. Most of all be honest .. accept responsibility .. don't finger point and apologize for specifics.

I'm watching my BF go through something similar and I encourage him to just show up. It's sad because he often gets his feelings hurt because he hears from his daughter when she wants something .. usually money. His son only texts him and I'm not sure how to describe their relationship .. they seem to be angry with each other and I know some back history it's complicated to say the least. It's not an easy relationship, I do get it.

My BF has a relationship with my kids that their bio dad should have and struggles with his own kids. I just really think suiting up and showing up is key. Kids do see the truth eventually and they come to their own conclusions as they grown up or are grown.

Honestly .. if my XAH showed up to my daughter's graduation she would probably puke out of the anxiety of it all .. she would be scared to death that he would act out in some way. I have always promised my daughter I would be an adult .. if I HAVE to .. lol .. with him you can't tell and it would not be a feel good for her and I think her comfort is far more important. It's HER day. He's just never shown up for other stuff so in her mind why would this be different. There is a history there that his current wife doesn't understand .. she doesn't understand what he didn't show up for such as basic visitation. Making sure the kids had money for food and so on .. texting on a weekly basis .. basic things that feed relationships.

That communication is so important to fostering a relationship .. and I am insistent that my BF at least texts his daughter and son if nothing else to say yes .. I'm still listening. After what he's seen my kids go through he's much more open to it .. I constantly have to say .. not about you .. it's about them at this point .. no he doesn't have to lend money unless he's doing so because he wants to.

Now his XW is nuts although I'm sure my XAH's wife thinks I'm crazy .. she honestly doesn't know crazy .. 100 texts and phone calls in an hour period .. horrible vile things sent .. in her mind it's my fault the relationship ended so she has lovely things to say about me to him .. he gets credit for correcting her and cutting off contact at that point. I can't imagine the stories she takes back to her adult children .. lol a couple of times she's gotten caught in out and out lies. I tell him all the time .. stay out of that drama .. she's going to do what she's going to do .. boundaries are key. I get sick to my stomach thinking about the first "family" event we will attend together .. which I'm in no hurry .. this will be for the grandkids. In my X's case I stick to the facts in communicating which can make me sound very droll and I tend to troll in terms of I know things she doesn't or she does and doesn't want to admit it .. lol. I know my X and nothing has changed.

Stay in the moment and realize there is always possibility for more healing to take place and it will happen when it is suppose to, leave whatever expectations at the door and there is more to the story.

Hugs S :)

Thanks for the response and support (((everyone)))))

Thanks shrnp, I'm sorry you were hurt by your step daughter. Maybe the day will come when you can have a heart to heart with her about it. I can see that this is what is happening to us as well. Bf dau has allegiance to her mother. It's difficult to know what is said about her father in their home. Also, when the daughter was high school age, her mother kept information about the daughter from my bf as if he had no rights as her parent to know about her. This included a hospitalization which we'd learned about through another person. He was sober then and has been for quite some time. It was retaliation, plain and simple. These types of decisions send a message that dad has no rights, deserves no respect and well.. is just that loser we tolerate from a distance. It's sad that the mother's attitude towards dad places guilt on the kids and influences them to choose between parents.  Bf has never said one negative thing about their mother to them in all the time I've known him. Interesting... we say the alcoholic is immature?

Thank you a4l for you unconditional love and support. Those of us who have experienced someone disappearing into their disease, are often filled with gratitude for the memories of sober times. I think this is easier for those of us who have found recovery and truly understand that alcoholism is an illness and that the alcoholic is not drinking at us.

Thanks hotrod. Yes, it's too bad that they choose not to attend Alanon. My bf told me his ex had gone to one meeting and left. She'd felt her problems were due to his alcoholism. Divorce was the cure. She now married to a second active alcoholic. I'm not sure she can admit that to herself but having been in his presence at a few events, it was pretty evident to my abf to me. I did introduce two of my bf's kids to my Alanon homegroup. I gave literature to one of them. My bf and I don't suggest they attend. It's there if they want it. They could benefit from it. It's easy to see many non recovery behaviors in them. I recognize them because I had them too, hotrod. It's especially difficult to see them hurt by the unhealthy and abusive relationships they get themselves into. I hope someday they'll reconsider recovery.

Thank you serenityrus for sharing about the dynamics in families whose lives have been touched by alcoholism. Just like your bf only seems to hear from his kids when they want something, we've come to the conclusion that we don't hear from them because we don't have anything much to give them but our company. Bf told me that even during his marriage, his ex in laws threw big get togethers, lots of booze, gifts etc. and his own parents couldn't match that. His ex always wanted to go by her own parents. There is no booze at our house nor do we allow it to be brought in. I know this is a big sticking point with his kids. They want to go where the alcohol is or where there is something else in it for them. Also, their mother is carrying forward her own mother's behavior of expecting them to be with her before anyone else. I just keep my side of the street clean when I'm in their company. The slightest slip on my part gets escalated into more reasons to not like me. I just let their father handle the details with them. I'm grateful he isn't in denial about their behavior or making excuses for it. He done what he can concerning his past behavior and them but he can't get inside their heads to know if there is any resentment they are harboring. We have both met them with honesty, openness and willingness. If that isn't enough, well.. it's all we've got.

Thanks iamhere for the wonderful compliment. It's funny that you said the very thing my bf said about the graduation day. He said that he was glad that he was sober and able to see her graduate and that that was enough. I know he's hurt but as a parent he's still very grateful she's happy and doing well.  

TT

I so relate to your experience, the loved ones I cannot get close to, for whatever reason... we just can't be a united family (just for today.)

I love your share about BF's response... it reminds me of the time I was asked to define the word "recovery." when I keep my focus on that definition, things go much more smoothly. to me, your boyfriend has his "recovery" definition and understanding firmly in place... I got goosebumps from reading it!!!   ever-grateful for, and loving ONLY what Higher Power "is" bringing today.... and letting go of what we don't have...  it's perfect. 

In trying to understand my loved ones who have fallen away (just for today....) I can look at their "defects" as the way they believe they must protect themselves. I understand and forgive that because... this is what my shortcomings are usually all about too.

I am grateful (((big hugs)))

Serenityrus, you've made a good point about your kids and their dad. I know it's a little different for you because you're their mom and that personalizes it. In my case, I can't really know what occurred between my recovering abf and his kids before I met him. The lines of communication are open and more will be revealed over time. In my own experience as a child of an alcoholic, I made a conscious choice to forgive and move on to healthier relationship with my father. My father was sober and remorseful. There were no apologies but there clearly was changed behavior. Trust is a big issue after injury and every child/alcoholic relationship is unique even within families. My bro relationship was very different than mine with our father. As far as your kids acceptance of their dad, cautious optimism might be a very reasonable avenue and very good self care as a child of an alcoholic. And you are so right about my own situation about leaving a door open and that hp has a plan for all of us, thank you! I hope you were able to get time with your bf to celebrate his b'day and enjoyed it.

Thanks for your response elcee. Yep, we definitely feel joy at these happy occassions. We bring ourselves not charicature of ourselves to these events. There is nothing forced or changed in our personalities because of the audience in attendance. We enjoy ourselves and if we feel hurt, don't outwardly show it - no creating drama. We're powerless over others but not powerless over working our programs. With that said, there is no exhibiting attention seeking behavior by making someone's celebration about us and our feelings. I think the Just for Today bookmark addresses this well. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself. Our relationships with his children will continue to evolve. They're young adults and still growing through new life experiences every day as are we as older adults with the benefit of AA and Alanon.

Thanks 2HP. Yes, staying present and not getting stuck in the mire. We can pray and stay hopeful for improved family relationships but let go of expectations. Yep, I so agree about defects - "If you can spot it, you've got it." I know I can see my defects in my family members too - ones I've worked on and others I'm still working on. Thanks too, for your comment about abf's recovery. It was a good reminder for me that he comes from a different perspective as an alcoholic. By his own admission, allowing the actions of others to become his hp can compromise his sobriety. Sometimes I forget that because he seems more of an Alanon than an alcoholic these days. LOL well I guess it's very good he's conscious of being an alcoholic.  I'm so pleased he received and accepted a job offer this week in his own profession. He's tried so hard to get hired after firings and been doing manual labor for more than a few years. Finally, someone is giving him a chance. His salary will now double and he'll have work he loves. His future supervisor is an ACOA. He told my abf at the interview that he comes from a family of alcoholics and does not drink. Bf was surprised by his candor and did mention that he also doesn't drink but is planning on keeping his anonymity. I told bf that I guess hp sent him to the manual labor workplace for lessons and now he is ready for something new. Bf has worked with a lot of active alcoholics and addicts and been learning lessons of compassion, tolerance and detachment. I joke with him that it's pay back for his past. He has a sense of humor - another gift of recovery :)

((((everyone)))) TT