I've discussed in the past this problem of not being valued, especially on occasions. Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers days passed and my child, partner etc gave me nothing and I felt angry and resentful as I cooked for them, cleaned after them and planned to spoil them on their next occasion. And I fought back with passive-aggressive martyrism. Poor me. No-one cares. Boo-hoo. I try so hard for them and they don't care about me. It's so unfair!!!
Anyway, during my time on this board and in al-anon, I came upon the idea that it is OK for me to state that I expect to be treated as valuable by my child, partner etc if they expect me to continue to afford them the same courtesy. And it's taken a while for the catch-up to happen....last year, for my 40th birthday, my partner of 10 years gave me a gift on my birthday for the first time ever..and took me to dinner-...and had a cake made...wow. That was freaking lovely and unforgettable. Magic happens when you stand up and state that you have value (instead of pleading for it). At the same time, my teenager gifted me with a bag of candy that she knows I am allergic too and later asked if she could eat it. And a bottle of $3 wine her step-mother gave her to give to me. Lovely. There was clearly more work to do.
This year, pre-mothers day, daughter informed me that her father had asked if she would spend the weekend with him. She showed me the message..."since you missed my birthday, your mum can miss mothers day". Yuk? I'm not getting down into the mud to wrestle that out. I told her, it's important to me that we spend the day together. I'll be very happy to take you to your fathers the following weekend. (She missed his birthday weekend because we bought Green Day Tickets 6 months ago and the gig was last weekend. We told him months ago, so he was pre-warned and had agreed....he skips weekends for his own events all the time so no big deal right?) (ps OMG Green Day was awesome).
Anyway I have let her know, gently but pretty clearly, I'm done with being disregarded. I make a huge deal of her special occasions, and I also hand out money for her to buy gifts (birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day, just because) for her friends...she loves to give gifts.....just not to me. Since last birthday, I've let her know, I am utterly not cool with this. I feel I deserve some effort. I'm done with pretending I don't exist. I matter.
Anyway, today was lovely. She has heard the message.
I woke late and was greeted with coffee and the news that she had gotten up early and solved a computer problem for me. It must have taken her hours to sort out this issue I have been tearing my hair out over. Thanks kid. Laptop is running like a dream.
She then presented me with a bag of Sherbies. Sherbies are my favorite candy and they stopped selling them here a couple of years ago so it was awesome that she'd found a way to purchase them. Yum.
Then she gave me a painting she had done for me. I'll include a picture of it. A watercolour of 2 of my favourite things.....a bee...because my name means "honey-bee" and a sunflower (my fave flower).
She then walked the dog with me with a smile on her face, and then we went into town, had lunch....I insisted on a vegan restaurant and I stuck to my guns (even though she looked shitty) because what's the good of a mother's day lunch somewhere I don't want to eat? and then we shopped till we dropped. I'd saved up vouchers for department stores etc so we could have a shopping bonanza. We both have a lovely new pair of timberland shoes and I have a new coat (it's winter here) and we each have a Calvin Klein wallet on lay-buy. It was an absolutely lovely day and what matters is the fact that she kept a smile on all day and she clearly got the idea that today, it was important to be nice and gracious.
Pre-al-anon I just felt sad and let everyone ride rough-shod over me and complained later to anyone that would listen. Now I have learned to say, hey, I friggin matter and I am valuable too. And, funnily enough, the people I love seem to agree. Who knew, all it took was for me to decide I was worth some effort?
Anyway, it was a great day. Happy mothers day, mothers
Love to you all, and thank-you for sharing this journey with me.
Congratulations on Mother's day and on your progress! Thank you for the inspiring share.
tiredtonite said
May 14, 2017
Sounds like your daughter was really trying her best to give you a wonderful day. I love the watercolor painting! Happy Mothers Day (((Mel))) You deserve all of it. TT
MissM said
May 14, 2017
Yeah, she did good. I'm pretty happy
PosiesandPuppies said
May 14, 2017
MissM - Happy Mother's Day and what a fantastic share! Not only b/c you seemed to have gotten what you deserved and craved, but b/c you are helping others! You post about your past was ME? I did the same things... until last year. i just began to do for myself, b/c no one I loved would do for me on those special occasions. Now, b/c of you, I am going to demand I get some worth! Because I deserve it too!
Thank you!
hotrod said
May 14, 2017
Lovely Painting Ms.M. and I love how you and your daughter shared the day. I agree. all it takes is for us to have the self esteem (provided by working this program), for us to ask for what we want.
It is a pleasure sharing the journey.
AllyW said
May 14, 2017
thank you for sharing. I love the painting. It is very Beautiful. Really thank you for that.
serenity47 said
May 14, 2017
Sounds like you had a lovely day. The painting is marvelous and something to treasure for sure. Thank you for sharing .
I've discussed in the past this problem of not being valued, especially on occasions. Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers days passed and my child, partner etc gave me nothing and I felt angry and resentful as I cooked for them, cleaned after them and planned to spoil them on their next occasion. And I fought back with passive-aggressive martyrism. Poor me. No-one cares. Boo-hoo. I try so hard for them and they don't care about me. It's so unfair!!!
Anyway, during my time on this board and in al-anon, I came upon the idea that it is OK for me to state that I expect to be treated as valuable by my child, partner etc if they expect me to continue to afford them the same courtesy. And it's taken a while for the catch-up to happen....last year, for my 40th birthday, my partner of 10 years gave me a gift on my birthday for the first time ever..and took me to dinner-...and had a cake made...wow. That was freaking lovely and unforgettable. Magic happens when you stand up and state that you have value (instead of pleading for it). At the same time, my teenager gifted me with a bag of candy that she knows I am allergic too and later asked if she could eat it. And a bottle of $3 wine her step-mother gave her to give to me. Lovely. There was clearly more work to do.
This year, pre-mothers day, daughter informed me that her father had asked if she would spend the weekend with him. She showed me the message..."since you missed my birthday, your mum can miss mothers day". Yuk? I'm not getting down into the mud to wrestle that out. I told her, it's important to me that we spend the day together. I'll be very happy to take you to your fathers the following weekend. (She missed his birthday weekend because we bought Green Day Tickets 6 months ago and the gig was last weekend. We told him months ago, so he was pre-warned and had agreed....he skips weekends for his own events all the time so no big deal right?) (ps OMG Green Day was awesome).
Anyway I have let her know, gently but pretty clearly, I'm done with being disregarded. I make a huge deal of her special occasions, and I also hand out money for her to buy gifts (birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day, just because) for her friends...she loves to give gifts.....just not to me. Since last birthday, I've let her know, I am utterly not cool with this. I feel I deserve some effort. I'm done with pretending I don't exist. I matter.
Anyway, today was lovely. She has heard the message.
I woke late and was greeted with coffee and the news that she had gotten up early and solved a computer problem for me. It must have taken her hours to sort out this issue I have been tearing my hair out over. Thanks kid. Laptop is running like a dream.
She then presented me with a bag of Sherbies. Sherbies are my favorite candy and they stopped selling them here a couple of years ago so it was awesome that she'd found a way to purchase them. Yum.
Then she gave me a painting she had done for me. I'll include a picture of it. A watercolour of 2 of my favourite things.....a bee...because my name means "honey-bee" and a sunflower (my fave flower).
She then walked the dog with me with a smile on her face, and then we went into town, had lunch....I insisted on a vegan restaurant and I stuck to my guns (even though she looked shitty) because what's the good of a mother's day lunch somewhere I don't want to eat? and then we shopped till we dropped. I'd saved up vouchers for department stores etc so we could have a shopping bonanza. We both have a lovely new pair of timberland shoes and I have a new coat (it's winter here) and we each have a Calvin Klein wallet on lay-buy. It was an absolutely lovely day and what matters is the fact that she kept a smile on all day and she clearly got the idea that today, it was important to be nice and gracious.
Pre-al-anon I just felt sad and let everyone ride rough-shod over me and complained later to anyone that would listen. Now I have learned to say, hey, I friggin matter and I am valuable too. And, funnily enough, the people I love seem to agree. Who knew, all it took was for me to decide I was worth some effort?
Anyway, it was a great day. Happy mothers day, mothers
Love to you all, and thank-you for sharing this journey with me.
Sounds like your daughter was really trying her best to give you a wonderful day. I love the watercolor painting! Happy Mothers Day (((Mel))) You deserve all of it. TT
Thank you!
It is a pleasure sharing the journey.