I've been doing well in recovery as has AH. He's had a few slips. I've established a boundary of not being able to be in the relationship if he drinks. How do I draw the line? Slips I've read are a part of recovery. I know Alcoholism is unmanageable. It will get worse if the past is an indicator. Is this where I say "what if ( it doesn't)"? What is supportive/unsupportive/part of the problem? What about my boundary? What am I teaching my child by all of it? Then again, she's stuck with him being her father even if I am not his wife. What does she see in me as her roll model and framework for relationships if I keep dancing with this?
hotrod said
May 12, 2017
It is indeed That is why we are encouraged to focus on ourselves, examine our motives and make decisions in a constructive manner and and not react to the insanity. Once we regain our self esteem and begin to act with self worth the children sense it and will see our courage and wisdom . Remember that Self Esteem is built by doing esteemable actions ,
shrnp said
May 12, 2017
It is important for children of alcoholics to know that it is not the person but the disease. It sounds like you have a plan, do not be to hard on yourself. I have heard people say that having the boundary of leaving a relationship can sometimes be hard to follow as a first step. That maybe there should be some steps in between, unless there is a lot of fighting. That way you do not feel as if you have not stuck by your boundary if you do not leave the relationship right away.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 12th of May 2017 07:19:51 PM
SerenityRUS said
May 13, 2017
My belief is the A believes what I show him NOT what I say .. me on the other hand I go for the words and ignore the actions after all he SAID he would do XYZ and then I'm shocked when I realize none of it happened .. LOL.
So if you are unclear about your boundaries in terms of do not throw out ultimatums because it's no different than dealing with kids, friends and so on .. if ABC happens then this is what DEF will be .. if you don't plan on following through that's ok .. don't bother with saying ABC .. it's completely pointless because the A will just nod in agreement knowing that you really don't mean what you say.
One of my boundaries for myself is I will not engage until I am prepared to engage with toxic people in my life .. sometimes honestly .. that can be me as well .. that means I do self care, figure out what my HALT is and address my needs first before engaging. With my X .. I work on sticking to the facts regardless of the stupidity (ohhh yes it's stupidity .. LOL) that he puts out there via the new wife.
Guess what they have both figured out without me being nasty about it that nope .. you take your crap somewhere else .. it's either NOT my business OR it's not theirs .. LOL. That's my statement to them, I am sorry you feel that way in what way is this my business or in what way is this your business.
I'm always curious what does your sponsor say about all of this? If you are working your program/steps I hope you are doing so with a sponsor .. that is such a valuable asset in working the total program and it makes things so good.
Hugs S :)
Lyne said
May 13, 2017
My experience from almost 4 Yr's in Alanon is to set boundaries that I can follow. You have a child so leaving your A would not be simple. I think getting yourself into healing mode is what would be the best. I find the stronger and more sane I become, the better I can deal with my A. I'm getting fairly good at detachment, lowering expectations, and changing the things that I can change. That means accepting the things I cannot change. I have given myself time to grow in Alanon and my path will become clear in time. Lyne
It is indeed That is why we are encouraged to focus on ourselves, examine our motives and make decisions in a constructive manner and and not react to the insanity. Once we regain our self esteem and begin to act with self worth the children sense it and will see our courage and wisdom .
Remember that Self Esteem is built by doing esteemable actions ,
It is important for children of alcoholics to know that it is not the person but the disease. It sounds like you have a plan, do not be to hard on yourself. I have heard people say that having the boundary of leaving a relationship can sometimes be hard to follow as a first step. That maybe there should be some steps in between, unless there is a lot of fighting. That way you do not feel as if you have not stuck by your boundary if you do not leave the relationship right away.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 12th of May 2017 07:19:51 PM
So if you are unclear about your boundaries in terms of do not throw out ultimatums because it's no different than dealing with kids, friends and so on .. if ABC happens then this is what DEF will be .. if you don't plan on following through that's ok .. don't bother with saying ABC .. it's completely pointless because the A will just nod in agreement knowing that you really don't mean what you say.
One of my boundaries for myself is I will not engage until I am prepared to engage with toxic people in my life .. sometimes honestly .. that can be me as well .. that means I do self care, figure out what my HALT is and address my needs first before engaging. With my X .. I work on sticking to the facts regardless of the stupidity (ohhh yes it's stupidity .. LOL) that he puts out there via the new wife.
Guess what they have both figured out without me being nasty about it that nope .. you take your crap somewhere else .. it's either NOT my business OR it's not theirs .. LOL. That's my statement to them, I am sorry you feel that way in what way is this my business or in what way is this your business.
I'm always curious what does your sponsor say about all of this? If you are working your program/steps I hope you are doing so with a sponsor .. that is such a valuable asset in working the total program and it makes things so good.
Hugs S :)