How do I support him but keep our heads above water?
Dinner said
May 12, 2017
hello first time at alanon. My husband has been an AH since 2008. He has barely worked in that time only my income. He has spent so much on alcohol and he has a spending problem in general. I have worked so hard all these years to move up in my job to make more money to support everyone. I have three teenagers now. He has finally decided he needs to quit and went to detox centre for 7 days. He has been sober for 18 days today and he is going back to detox centre for the weekend for extra support. He is angry now because since coming home 12 days ago he has spent 300 dollars on special foods lots of soda and just a bunch of other things. We are short 600 each month to pay bills. I am drowning in bills. He is saying he needs money to spend on a hobby as that is part of his recovery and I'm not being supportive of his recovery. I am afraid to get into discussion about it in case he yells and gets mad and goes for a drink. I do not know if I am being selfish because my reflex is to harp about money or if I have a valid point in not spending even more money on him. I do not know what to do or how to handle this.
hotrod said
May 12, 2017
Welcome Deanna I'm glad you had the courage to reach out and share with such clarity and honesty. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. I am glad that your husband is seeking help for his addiction and urge you to look in the white pages for a listing of the Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. Al-Anon is a recovery program for families of alcoholics . We too need a Recovery Program because in attempting to cope with the insanity of the disease, we develop negative coping tools from which we need to recover. Focusing on ourselves, living one day at a time, sharing with others all help to restore our damaged self esteem so we can make healthy constructive choices for our lives.
I can understand your concerns and I assure you that there is hope and help. Please seek recovery for yourself and keep coming back here
Jaeger said
May 12, 2017
Welcome Deanna! I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I am of the mindset that we shouldn't do for other adults what they should/can do for their self. Al-Anon face to face meetings would be great for you! A couple of weeks ago, in my home group, we talked about this topic. I think the January 8th daily reading from Courage to Change might help you. Here it is:
I once emphatically told my family that their bickering was making our newly-sober loved one nervous and this might cause her to start drinking again. I was shocked when I was told, just as emphatically, "Well, let her!" I realized that I was still trying to make everything smooth and easy for the alcoholic, because I hadn't accepted that I was just as powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as I had been during the active years.
It was then that I truly discovered how beautiful letting go and letting God can work. When I fully understood how powerless I was over the situation, I was able to trust that the alcoholic has her own Higher Power and that, together, they can work out her future. I felt like a new person because I was free of the constant need to watch over her, free to live my own life.
I care about the alcoholic in my life more than I can say. I wish her health, happiness, and sobriety, but I cannot hand these things to her. She and her Higher Power are in charge of that. I can only love her, and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.
Today's Reminder
Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.
"If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power."
Dinner said
May 12, 2017
Thank you for your words. I would love to go to a local meeting but I work in human services and my worry is who will see me there as many of my clients may be there and there are no other local areas I can get to for a meeting. I am trying to find online as a solution to that issue.
Iamhere said
May 12, 2017
Deanna - welcome to MIP.....a huge element of recovery is anonymity - who you see here, what you hear here - let it stay here, when you leave here ... is spoken at all recovery meetings.
I am sorry for the way the disease is affecting you - you are not alone. I have to also suggest you hook up with any local Al-Anon meetings - that's where I learned how to set boundaries that were loving and logical and to detach with love from the disease and the diseased.
I understand your fear - I was there too - but am grateful I found the courage to attend and work on my recovery. There are meetings here too twice daily - see the upper left for the link and the times.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
el-cee said
May 13, 2017
Welcome, so glad your going to Alanon meetings. You remind me so much of myself when I was right in the middle of the disease and I couldn't see whether I was coming or going. I had truly lost touch reality and had no rational thoughts. I was sick, I was effected by alcoholism and I my thought processes were seriously distorted. There is hope and I can see much clearer now. I'm working on my faulty thought processes every day and I have such a different life today. When I read your post it took me right back.
I'm so glad your working the program. For me, it took me towards self awareness, I began to see myself much more clearly and how I put my needs right at the bottom and I became a really good martyr. I also became really confused in the chaos and my alcoholic was a great manipulator and could justify each and every one of his behaviours and often I took the blame. Then I learned that I was enabling the chaos, I was taking an active role in the mess and unhappiness. I had to learn the tools of detachment and I did. It set me free. I really wish you well and I hope that you have had enough of the insanity and you get yourself some healing and recovery soon.
Dinner said
May 13, 2017
Just reading each and every reply has made me feel stronger. Thank you for taking the time to message me!
Enigmatic said
May 13, 2017
Hello Dinner, welcome and glad you're here...
When I first heard about AlAnon, I was at my wits end after trying to figure out how to deal with the complications of the disease and the insanity I felt my life was coming to. The AlAnon program came to me highly recommended, but I had great reservation about walking into a room of people I didn't know (or even worse, did know), about something that was incredibly personal.
I realized my choice was: continue going on as things had been, with no support, no understanding of why things seemed so crazy, and no idea whether my should cease or increase my efforts, or face a little uncertainty and fear and try something that many said helped them tremendously.
I am so very glad I chose to go to a meeting, it was the beginning of an understanding about the situation, what things I could do immediately to ease some of the craziness and desperation I was feeling, and eventually answers to the questions about what was best for the long term.
I do hope you give it a try, so glad you reached out to the group...hang in there
Mattie said
May 13, 2017
Of course you know what's right for you. But I just wanted to mention that I used to have a wonderful therapist who attended local Codependents Anonymous meetings to keep her own recovery strong. She sometimes met some of her clients in the meetings. She said that she hoped that her presence showed them that it's okay to acknowledge your own need for continuing support, no matter who you are. I was really impressed by her example - in fact it inspired me even though I never went to a CoDA meeting. So that's something to consider as you think about your options. Take good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Saturday 13th of May 2017 08:33:38 PM
hello first time at alanon. My husband has been an AH since 2008. He has barely worked in that time only my income. He has spent so much on alcohol and he has a spending problem in general. I have worked so hard all these years to move up in my job to make more money to support everyone. I have three teenagers now. He has finally decided he needs to quit and went to detox centre for 7 days. He has been sober for 18 days today and he is going back to detox centre for the weekend for extra support. He is angry now because since coming home 12 days ago he has spent 300 dollars on special foods lots of soda and just a bunch of other things. We are short 600 each month to pay bills. I am drowning in bills. He is saying he needs money to spend on a hobby as that is part of his recovery and I'm not being supportive of his recovery. I am afraid to get into discussion about it in case he yells and gets mad and goes for a drink. I do not know if I am being selfish because my reflex is to harp about money or if I have a valid point in not spending even more money on him. I do not know what to do or how to handle this.
Welcome Deanna I'm glad you had the courage to reach out and share with such clarity and honesty. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. I am glad that your husband is seeking help for his addiction and urge you to look in the white pages for a listing of the Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. Al-Anon is a recovery program for families of alcoholics . We too need a Recovery Program because in attempting to cope with the insanity of the disease, we develop negative coping tools from which we need to recover. Focusing on ourselves, living one day at a time, sharing with others all help to restore our damaged self esteem so we can make healthy constructive choices for our lives.
I can understand your concerns and I assure you that there is hope and help. Please seek recovery for yourself and keep coming back here
I once emphatically told my family that their bickering was making our newly-sober loved one nervous and this might cause her to start drinking again. I was shocked when I was told, just as emphatically, "Well, let her!" I realized that I was still trying to make everything smooth and easy for the alcoholic, because I hadn't accepted that I was just as powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as I had been during the active years.
It was then that I truly discovered how beautiful letting go and letting God can work. When I fully understood how powerless I was over the situation, I was able to trust that the alcoholic has her own Higher Power and that, together, they can work out her future. I felt like a new person because I was free of the constant need to watch over her, free to live my own life.
I care about the alcoholic in my life more than I can say. I wish her health, happiness, and sobriety, but I cannot hand these things to her. She and her Higher Power are in charge of that. I can only love her, and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.
Today's Reminder
Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.
"If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power."
I am sorry for the way the disease is affecting you - you are not alone. I have to also suggest you hook up with any local Al-Anon meetings - that's where I learned how to set boundaries that were loving and logical and to detach with love from the disease and the diseased.
I understand your fear - I was there too - but am grateful I found the courage to attend and work on my recovery. There are meetings here too twice daily - see the upper left for the link and the times.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Welcome, so glad your going to Alanon meetings. You remind me so much of myself when I was right in the middle of the disease and I couldn't see whether I was coming or going. I had truly lost touch reality and had no rational thoughts. I was sick, I was effected by alcoholism and I my thought processes were seriously distorted. There is hope and I can see much clearer now. I'm working on my faulty thought processes every day and I have such a different life today. When I read your post it took me right back.
I'm so glad your working the program. For me, it took me towards self awareness, I began to see myself much more clearly and how I put my needs right at the bottom and I became a really good martyr. I also became really confused in the chaos and my alcoholic was a great manipulator and could justify each and every one of his behaviours and often I took the blame. Then I learned that I was enabling the chaos, I was taking an active role in the mess and unhappiness. I had to learn the tools of detachment and I did. It set me free. I really wish you well and I hope that you have had enough of the insanity and you get yourself some healing and recovery soon.
When I first heard about AlAnon, I was at my wits end after trying to figure out how to deal with the complications of the disease and the insanity I felt my life was coming to. The AlAnon program came to me highly recommended, but I had great reservation about walking into a room of people I didn't know (or even worse, did know), about something that was incredibly personal.
I realized my choice was: continue going on as things had been, with no support, no understanding of why things seemed so crazy, and no idea whether my should cease or increase my efforts, or face a little uncertainty and fear and try something that many said helped them tremendously.
I am so very glad I chose to go to a meeting, it was the beginning of an understanding about the situation, what things I could do immediately to ease some of the craziness and desperation I was feeling, and eventually answers to the questions about what was best for the long term.
I do hope you give it a try, so glad you reached out to the group...hang in there
Of course you know what's right for you. But I just wanted to mention that I used to have a wonderful therapist who attended local Codependents Anonymous meetings to keep her own recovery strong. She sometimes met some of her clients in the meetings. She said that she hoped that her presence showed them that it's okay to acknowledge your own need for continuing support, no matter who you are. I was really impressed by her example - in fact it inspired me even though I never went to a CoDA meeting. So that's something to consider as you think about your options. Take good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Saturday 13th of May 2017 08:33:38 PM