Still trying to understand how working the Alanon steps helps your life with an alcoholic
LoveNHope said
May 12, 2017
I am still new to the Alanon thing, have gone to about 6 or so meetings. When people say "when I was working Alanon hard, and life got better/things improved/etc"... this is hard for me to understand.
How do things improve when you have an alcoholic partner going through a rage/tantrum and you have a little baby in the house? How does Alanon make that better? I'm just trying to figure this out. It almost seems like everyone knows this secret that I don't know about, that somehow Alanon will turn things around. Maybe things seem so painful for me right now that it is hard for me to envision.
If anyone can explain some specifics or examples this would be helpful!!!! Thanks!!
Bettertomorrow said
May 12, 2017
Hello LoveNHope,
I am so sorry to hear the situation you are in and can empathise that this must be an especially difficult time for you with your little baby just days away from being born. I have only been in alanon myself for just under 6 months, so I am still quite new, but my life has changed immeasurably. I am now a single mum of 4 children having separated from my AH just two days ago. Here is what alanon did for me - it may well be different for you, so please take and leave as you want:
1. I learned to stop focusing on my AH. This meant stopping actively looking for the hidden bottles; stopping screaming at him when he had passed out drunk on the floor; stopping focusing our whole lives around him and what he was doing and instead focusing on me and my 4 children and making life as calm for them as I could.
2. I learned that I couldn't control his drinking - no amount of pleading, hiding alcohol, buying alcohol for him (controlled amounts), trying to control the finances etc would make a difference. It wasn't about love - he has an addiction.
3. I had to think really hard about my 'bottom line'. What was it that would make me go? What was I willing to put up with in the hope that he would recover - and most importantly what was this doing to my self esteem and the 'lessons' I was showing my children. Someone else has a strapline here which says something like you will leave when the pain of going outweighs the pain of staying and alanon really helped me to look at what I was gaining by staying.
4. Most importantly alanon has helped me to see that what I was doing was holding on to hopes and dreams which had been shattered. In the periods when he was sober I thought it would all be ok. I myself was addicted to a dream which was no longer a reality.
5. Alanon helped me define my bottom line - for me this was / is my children and their physical and emotional safety and wellbeing. My AH wasn't willing /able to attempt recovery and I learned to accept that is his decision, but I could no longer allow my children to be in that environment.
I guess to sum it all up - alanon provided me with a totally supportive and non judgemental place where my own self esteem grew enough for me to make the decisions that I had to make. There was no advice - the answer was there in me all the time, I just needed to be supported to look inwards and see the answer. that was right for me.
Love and hugs to you in your own journey. x
WestMan said
May 12, 2017
Whew boy. I'm so sorry you're having this added stress at a time like this. My situation is quite different from yours but I'm new to Al Anon too. I also ask similar questions. Of the other resources at my disposal I have found Al Anon to be the only place with people who have been through this nightmare and understand what it's like. In addition to that many talk about being better people as well. That's pretty remarkable and makes me sit up and take notice. I've made a handful of meetings and much of it still doesn't make sense to me. We read the twelve steps and I'm looking at them the way I would look at Everest. It feels really unrealistic with everything I have going on. But I believe it's my best shot at finding happiness again.
hotrod said
May 12, 2017
Hi Again LoveNHope, You are not alone. Living with the dreadful disease of alcoholism ,many of us develop negative coping tools to help us to live in and adapt to the insanity. We do this without really knowing it and these tools destroy our feelings of self esteem and self worth . Alanon is a Self Discovery program whereby we look within,with Step 4 through 10, uncover what we are doing that hurts us and learn new constructive tools to iive by.
Using the Steps, the Slogans and Alanon literature, and focusing on ourselves, not the alcoholic,we begin to see our true motives and destructive attitudes. Making gratitude and asset lists, our self esteem expands and we are soon at a place where we can make healthy decisions for ourselves and family. Alanon , the Steps and meetings help. Keep coming back
Enigmatic said
May 12, 2017
Hi Love, glad you had the courage to put your question out there.
You received some great responses above about how AlAnon works, and I found that to match my experience completely. I learn and process best by having time to read and meditate on new concepts in a quiet setting, so for my journey, reading the books offered by AlAnon ( ecomm.al-anon.org/shop ) helped immensely in processing the ideas of the program.
Paths to Recovery - Steps and Traditions was extremely helpful to me, as is One Day at a Time in AlAnon and Courage to Change, two daily readers that take a principle, step or slogan from AlAnon and look at how it can be applied in a life situation.
Today's page from One Day at a Time, for instance, talks specifically about 'what Alanon is all about', what the core of the Alanon program really is, and what we can do to make it work...all in a single, small page.
I am sure you will find what works for you, glad to have you here
shrnp said
May 12, 2017
Alanon is not going to change your husband. Attending Alanon will not give you a magic word to say that will make him calm down when he is ranting or raving. It will help you to stop focusing on what he is doing and to start focusing on what you can do to make your life better. Sometimes there is no choice but to leave if the alcoholic is putting us or our children in danger. At that time you would be better off getting domestic violence counseling, or a combination of the two. There are times when living with an alcoholic changes who we are in a bad way. We have to have secrets. We are walking around making sure we do nothing to irritate the alcoholic in our lives so they do not lose their temper, or leave and drink all night. We teach our children not to do this or that preventing them from having a normal life. We do not have a normal life, our nerves are set to always react waiting for the next crisis or outburst.
You already know that your life has become unmanageable. Next, Alanon teaches us to begin praying and believing that there is a god or higher power that can and will help us to live a normal life. If you cannot pray to a god then you can believe that there are other people in Alanon just like yourself that will be supportive of you when no one else might be. That there is a fellowship of other people just like you, and you no longer have to have secrets. That when you are in the presence of other Alanon members, you are normal because everyone else has a similar story to yours. You can turn to another Alanon member and have a little piece of sanity. That maybe after going to a meeting you have a small plan of action to make it through something your alcoholic is throwing at you. That might just be a slogan like learning the three Cs, you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure. That might give you a new understanding of the disease. Some people feel like they have to fix their partners or children ect. Maybe another slogan has a more personal meaning for you. Alanon can encourage you to not help your partner to keep drinking by making up excuses for them for their behavior. It can teach people to stop giving alcoholics money for drinking, or giving them a home so they can spend all their money on drinking. Everyone needs some different kind of coping skill and they can learn that from other members. There is so much in the program one person could not explain it to you, and one meeting is not going to teach you what you need to know.
AA started because someone found out that through a fellowship with other people like ourselves that some of us could control our addictions. It really works, and you would have to read the big blue book, because it explains all that. Alanon is a program based on the same principles as AA. There is a lot of literature and you can work the 12 steps. It is not easy but it is the best some of us have, and it makes the journey not so lonely. Other people combine Alanon with professional counseling.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 12th of May 2017 01:11:16 PM
el-cee said
May 12, 2017
What a great question and thank you for bringing it here. I remember thinking these people know something that I dont know and they are happy and they live with alcoholism!!! This made me keep coming back and that was 5 yrs ago. The secret is spirituality, waking up to life, yourself, reality, the truth. It does take some time depends how quickly you want it I suppose but in the meantime I think your asking about the tools, the practical things that will help you now. I suggest learning about alcohoism as a disease, this will help you accept how powerless you are and you will begin to take your eyes off him and the obsession with him will begin to lessen, this was a huge relief and quickly. I would cling to the Just for Today card and give the suggestions a go one day at a time. Read and study the info on detachment, put it in the search engine here if you like. Learning to detach yourself as an individual seperate person in their own right is the beginning of freedom. Accepting your sick through the disease being in your life and being powerful enough to distort your thought processes is the beginning, you have a set of symptoms like we all have due to the disease and we have the choice of accepting that and entering into this amazing recovery program that changed my life. What have you got to lose, except your misery.
Aerin said
May 13, 2017
Good topic and responses as I had felt this way too at first. Since my ABF is now in AA, my new "goal" is to stop obsessing over feeling "sorry" for him all the time. And sorry he has to go through all this. And sorry for his slips because he feels bad. I am not cold hearted, but It is taking focus off me. So I suppose the better we get at focusing on US the better decisions we can make about staying or leaving.
LoveNHope said
May 16, 2017
Thank you everyone for your explanations and feedback on everything.
KT2015 said
May 18, 2017
That is a great question. I also felt this way when I started the program. I feel like Al Anon made changes in my life slowly but they added up to huge changes. The biggest gift the program gave me was detachment from my AH and his drinking and behaviour. I used to waste so much energy getting caught up in what my AH was doing I completely lost focus of my needs and the needs of my daughter. Through learning about and practicing detachment it helped me to focus on me more and more. I've been in the program two years and I can say that there is so much more calm in my household because of me learning the tools and working the steps of the program. I started by working on detachment and using the slogans then when I was ready I started working on the steps. By attending face to face meetings, reading the literature and working the steps I feel like the program slowly seeped into me. There were no big dramatic changes overnight but looking back the change in my sense of well being over the past year has been drastic. I've learned so much about myself in the process. Al Anon has helped me become stronger yet softer if that makes sense. I can now maintain a sense of peace no matter what storm is raging around me without being so hard and angry I feel like I will break. If I do get drawn into the chaos I recognize it faster and am able to step out of it more quickly thanks to the tools. Keep coming back. HUGS
LoveNHope said
May 19, 2017
That is great that you are able to find peace in the chaos... thank you for your reply
_bunny_ said
May 19, 2017
((LoveNHope)) for me I received relief when I accepted and surrendered (step 1-3). It was difficult to do and took time, I had to stop controlling and put all my trust into a HP, not easy for co-dependent me with an out of control ego who believed HP had abandoned me long ago. Working my program hard means truly listening and keeping an open heart because HP's will is there for us at meetings, in the literature and through others ESH, you just have to be open to it. Things improved when I accepted my AH's attitude, crazy thinking, insults etc. was not about me, he's an alcoholic, he has an addiction, a disease, he's sick, it's NOT about me. That freed me to detach from it and move on to take care of me, myself and I (steps 4-12), something that I had neglected for a long time. I remember the pain, its debilitating, I had to force myself to feel it, to work through it and accept it was there in order to feel the peace and serenity underneath. You will get there, read the promises of Al-Anon in the sticky up above, they're real and it will give you hope and keep you coming back.
I am still new to the Alanon thing, have gone to about 6 or so meetings. When people say "when I was working Alanon hard, and life got better/things improved/etc"... this is hard for me to understand.
How do things improve when you have an alcoholic partner going through a rage/tantrum and you have a little baby in the house? How does Alanon make that better? I'm just trying to figure this out. It almost seems like everyone knows this secret that I don't know about, that somehow Alanon will turn things around. Maybe things seem so painful for me right now that it is hard for me to envision.
If anyone can explain some specifics or examples this would be helpful!!!! Thanks!!
Hello LoveNHope,
I am so sorry to hear the situation you are in and can empathise that this must be an especially difficult time for you with your little baby just days away from being born. I have only been in alanon myself for just under 6 months, so I am still quite new, but my life has changed immeasurably. I am now a single mum of 4 children having separated from my AH just two days ago. Here is what alanon did for me - it may well be different for you, so please take and leave as you want:
1. I learned to stop focusing on my AH. This meant stopping actively looking for the hidden bottles; stopping screaming at him when he had passed out drunk on the floor; stopping focusing our whole lives around him and what he was doing and instead focusing on me and my 4 children and making life as calm for them as I could.
2. I learned that I couldn't control his drinking - no amount of pleading, hiding alcohol, buying alcohol for him (controlled amounts), trying to control the finances etc would make a difference. It wasn't about love - he has an addiction.
3. I had to think really hard about my 'bottom line'. What was it that would make me go? What was I willing to put up with in the hope that he would recover - and most importantly what was this doing to my self esteem and the 'lessons' I was showing my children. Someone else has a strapline here which says something like you will leave when the pain of going outweighs the pain of staying and alanon really helped me to look at what I was gaining by staying.
4. Most importantly alanon has helped me to see that what I was doing was holding on to hopes and dreams which had been shattered. In the periods when he was sober I thought it would all be ok. I myself was addicted to a dream which was no longer a reality.
5. Alanon helped me define my bottom line - for me this was / is my children and their physical and emotional safety and wellbeing. My AH wasn't willing /able to attempt recovery and I learned to accept that is his decision, but I could no longer allow my children to be in that environment.
I guess to sum it all up - alanon provided me with a totally supportive and non judgemental place where my own self esteem grew enough for me to make the decisions that I had to make. There was no advice - the answer was there in me all the time, I just needed to be supported to look inwards and see the answer. that was right for me.
Love and hugs to you in your own journey. x
Hi Again LoveNHope, You are not alone. Living with the dreadful disease of alcoholism ,many of us develop negative coping tools to help us to live in and adapt to the insanity. We do this without really knowing it and these tools destroy our feelings of self esteem and self worth .
Alanon is a Self Discovery program whereby we look within,with Step 4 through 10, uncover what we are doing that hurts us and learn new constructive tools to iive by.
Using the Steps, the Slogans and Alanon literature, and focusing on ourselves, not the alcoholic,we begin to see our true motives and destructive attitudes. Making gratitude and asset lists, our self esteem expands and we are soon at a place where we can make healthy decisions for ourselves and family.
Alanon , the Steps and meetings help. Keep coming back
You received some great responses above about how AlAnon works, and I found that to match my experience completely. I learn and process best by having time to read and meditate on new concepts in a quiet setting, so for my journey, reading the books offered by AlAnon ( ecomm.al-anon.org/shop ) helped immensely in processing the ideas of the program.
Paths to Recovery - Steps and Traditions was extremely helpful to me, as is One Day at a Time in AlAnon and Courage to Change, two daily readers that take a principle, step or slogan from AlAnon and look at how it can be applied in a life situation.
Today's page from One Day at a Time, for instance, talks specifically about 'what Alanon is all about', what the core of the Alanon program really is, and what we can do to make it work...all in a single, small page.
I am sure you will find what works for you, glad to have you here
Alanon is not going to change your husband. Attending Alanon will not give you a magic word to say that will make him calm down when he is ranting or raving. It will help you to stop focusing on what he is doing and to start focusing on what you can do to make your life better. Sometimes there is no choice but to leave if the alcoholic is putting us or our children in danger. At that time you would be better off getting domestic violence counseling, or a combination of the two. There are times when living with an alcoholic changes who we are in a bad way. We have to have secrets. We are walking around making sure we do nothing to irritate the alcoholic in our lives so they do not lose their temper, or leave and drink all night. We teach our children not to do this or that preventing them from having a normal life. We do not have a normal life, our nerves are set to always react waiting for the next crisis or outburst.
You already know that your life has become unmanageable. Next, Alanon teaches us to begin praying and believing that there is a god or higher power that can and will help us to live a normal life. If you cannot pray to a god then you can believe that there are other people in Alanon just like yourself that will be supportive of you when no one else might be. That there is a fellowship of other people just like you, and you no longer have to have secrets. That when you are in the presence of other Alanon members, you are normal because everyone else has a similar story to yours. You can turn to another Alanon member and have a little piece of sanity. That maybe after going to a meeting you have a small plan of action to make it through something your alcoholic is throwing at you. That might just be a slogan like learning the three Cs, you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure. That might give you a new understanding of the disease. Some people feel like they have to fix their partners or children ect. Maybe another slogan has a more personal meaning for you. Alanon can encourage you to not help your partner to keep drinking by making up excuses for them for their behavior. It can teach people to stop giving alcoholics money for drinking, or giving them a home so they can spend all their money on drinking. Everyone needs some different kind of coping skill and they can learn that from other members. There is so much in the program one person could not explain it to you, and one meeting is not going to teach you what you need to know.
AA started because someone found out that through a fellowship with other people like ourselves that some of us could control our addictions. It really works, and you would have to read the big blue book, because it explains all that. Alanon is a program based on the same principles as AA. There is a lot of literature and you can work the 12 steps. It is not easy but it is the best some of us have, and it makes the journey not so lonely. Other people combine Alanon with professional counseling.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 12th of May 2017 01:11:16 PM
What a great question and thank you for bringing it here. I remember thinking these people know something that I dont know and they are happy and they live with alcoholism!!! This made me keep coming back and that was 5 yrs ago. The secret is spirituality, waking up to life, yourself, reality, the truth. It does take some time depends how quickly you want it I suppose but in the meantime I think your asking about the tools, the practical things that will help you now. I suggest learning about alcohoism as a disease, this will help you accept how powerless you are and you will begin to take your eyes off him and the obsession with him will begin to lessen, this was a huge relief and quickly. I would cling to the Just for Today card and give the suggestions a go one day at a time. Read and study the info on detachment, put it in the search engine here if you like. Learning to detach yourself as an individual seperate person in their own right is the beginning of freedom. Accepting your sick through the disease being in your life and being powerful enough to distort your thought processes is the beginning, you have a set of symptoms like we all have due to the disease and we have the choice of accepting that and entering into this amazing recovery program that changed my life. What have you got to lose, except your misery.