I've posted on here a couple of times about my issue, and those of you who responded- your thoughts were very helpful to me.
My AH, sober for over 1 yr who relapsed 2 mos from us having our first child, is still drinking and has not stopped. I left the house and am staying with my mother in law (his mom). His mom called my mom for a heart to heart, as my mom had no idea that he is a recovering A. I have been holding this secret from my mother because I knew she would freak out. Well, as predicted my mother is breathing fire. She knows she can't make the decision on what ends up happening, but is adamant about me just completely leaving. She was informed that he has had this issue for 20 years (he is 45), has not sought treatment or aftercare, and is furious that he has done this to me when its supposed to be the happiest time in our lives.
I am very angry that he has done this to me too, but it is hard to make that decision to up and leave. We had an agreement to make this baby, he was doing very well will a new excellent job with more accountability and we were in a good place.
She thinks an addict is always gonna be an addict and there is no hope esp if he doesn't get help or aftercare. My mother was with an addict too (my father). So needless to say, my mother is being mama bear, and is breathing fire. My partner is the most nurturing, loving, caretaking individual when this disease is not at play. The love he has shown me I had not experienced from another man.
I wish I just knew what to do. I keep doing the Alanon, and being told to take care of myself, and all the things they tell you in these meetings. Does anyone here sort of agree with what she (my mother) is saying? No hope and I should just leave?
Mattie said
May 12, 2017
I think none of us can tell you what to do because every situation is different and we can't know your situation. Al-Anon tells us not to give advice (unless there is physical danger) and it would not be right of us to say what is or isn't the truth when we can't possibly know.
Also there is the fact that other people telling us what to do either might sway our judgment away from our truth, or make us react against the other person without reference to our real situation. So having someone tell us what to do just muddies the waters.
However, I get where you're probably at, because I imagine all of us have been there. People can tell us "This will happen, that will happen" and we have no way of knowing how realistic that is because we're not sure of the landscape of alcoholism. So some comments might be spot-on and some might be completely out to lunch, and it's hard to know.
One thing to consider, in my view, would be whether he is actively trying to get into recovery or whether he is still drinking. Or if he is saying he's not drinking, but not working a formal program of recovery. That line about "I'm fine, I'll just not drink, I don't need no stinkin' recovery" is one I know well.
If he is back in a formal program of recovery, AA or whatever, then the situation looks much different than if he is still out on the town.
Another thing to consider is that whatever decision you make for now doesn't have to be forever. You can decide on something to keep yourself and the baby safe and protected for now, and then reassess as things change, whether that's a month from now or a year from now or whatever. You don't have to decide on "the truth for all time" right now.
Another thing to consider is that even if he looks like he doesn't care, he is looking to see what you do now. As I understand, this is the first time he's been drinking for a long time. So he doesn't know how you'll react. The healthy part of him will be saying to himself, "Oh no, have I screwed this up? What happens now?" The addict part of him will be saying, "I really want to drink! Can I get away with it! Can I convince her to get back together with me so I can still drink? Maybe if I just promise her the moon, she'll be convinced, and we can paper over her anger about this?"
So my experience in this area is that the Alcoholic typically swears up and down that he'll stop drinking, especially IF we get back together with them. Like, we're responsible for it, and we have to get back together with them if we want them to stop. But the catch is that they won't stop (they say) UNTIL we get back together with them. So then we do - and then they don't stop, because they got what they wanted. Or they stop for a short while, and we get back together with them, and they think, "Gotcha! Did it!" - and they lapse again. I cannot tell you how many times I went through this.
So another thing to consider is that if he's going to stop, he can do that now, with his recovery program, and you can wait a good healthy time to make sure his recovery is solid - 6 months or a year - some say longer - so you know you won't be putting yourself and your baby through turmoil if he's not really sober before you come back.
I think we've all fallen for the alcoholic and the way he was before things got so bad. Some of us spend years trying to get that back. It helps if we can focus on however they are today. That is all we are promised - the "what you see is what you get."
The statistics I wish someone had told me are that only 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery programs stay sober longterm. Now because there are a lot of alcoholics, that is still a lot of sober people. But those statistics show how powerful the addiction is. I think they mean that we always need a Plan B, at the very least until their continuing recovery is very clear. No one can predict the future. But we also need to make sure that we take care of ourselves no matter what gets thrown our way. When we'll be okay no matter what, then we can make choices out of real freedom.
Take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Iamhere said
May 12, 2017
(((LnH))) - huge hugs to you - positive thoughts and prayers also. This brought back to me a very specific memory related to me and my mother. My parents are very judgmental and I know that my black/white thinking came partially from my upbringing. She too was a mama-bear well beyond my young years and had an opinion and advice always based on her own frame of reference.
Two times, 10 years apart, without Al-Anon, I had to sit my mother down in a restaurant and explain to her that while I love her, I need her to support me and my choices even if/when they differ from her advice, perceptions and opinions. Face to face was necessary as I wanted to 'read' her to ensure I was delivering my message firmly but with love. She was very hurt the first time, but when I was able to give examples, she listened and heard me.
It lasted for quite a while until it didn't - so the second time was easier for both of us. She readily understood she was overstepping and I never had to do it again. Ironically, we ended up at the same restaurant, at the same table each time.....I choose to see this as a God thing!!
This is your life, your relationship, your child and your journey. Working with a sponsor can help you establish boundaries that make sense for you. We never know if/when an alcoholic will/will not get recovery. It took me a long while to realize I did not have to pause my journey to 'wait' for them or anyone. There is no shame ever in loving an alcoholic and we can't turn love on/off like a faucet just because they are sick. I prefer to focus on the miracles around me each day in recovery than those who don't make it.
Be gentle with you and try to just stay present. Your mother-in-law and mother both have good intentions yet are coming from a different set of life experiences. This is where the program has helped me so much - sharing with others who can directly relate and share the personal ESH instead of what they read, think or hear.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back - it does work when we work it.
shrnp said
May 12, 2017
Lovenhope,
I am sorry you had to leave your home. Have you been able to find any face to face meetings? I really think you need an outsiders view and support. Someone that has some experience with the disease that is not a family member. I hope you find some peace during this special time.
spritrig said
May 12, 2017
I recently have been near deciding to leave because abuse and too little progress in sobriety. However, I have some interests in the welfare of a little child, and recovery is the best option. I asked A to see a GP medical doctor we trust. She said for me to go and tell him what has been going on. I did. His first reaction was that she should be interned, but agreed that it wasn't the best option as it didn't work in the past. We discussed a couple of medications. Then we returned to the doctor later. He listened to A and told her we both want to help her. At this point working with the doctor is helping and treatment has drastically reduced alcohol consumption, decreased abuse, and increased interest in work.
We are in Mexico. In this case treatment by an understanding GP became the only hope as other avenues have not worked.
-- Edited by spritrig on Friday 12th of May 2017 12:52:28 PM
a4l said
May 12, 2017
Those are such major things to be thinking about eight days out from a massive life change, which could happen any time now. It will all end up addressed as part of the life process anyway. You will interact with your partner and determine the role he plays in your life whether actively or passively. For now, I'd be concentrating on what's at hand. Your body, it's preparations and the new life coming. Gotta keep you well!
Take good care.
I've posted on here a couple of times about my issue, and those of you who responded- your thoughts were very helpful to me.
My AH, sober for over 1 yr who relapsed 2 mos from us having our first child, is still drinking and has not stopped. I left the house and am staying with my mother in law (his mom). His mom called my mom for a heart to heart, as my mom had no idea that he is a recovering A. I have been holding this secret from my mother because I knew she would freak out. Well, as predicted my mother is breathing fire. She knows she can't make the decision on what ends up happening, but is adamant about me just completely leaving. She was informed that he has had this issue for 20 years (he is 45), has not sought treatment or aftercare, and is furious that he has done this to me when its supposed to be the happiest time in our lives.
I am very angry that he has done this to me too, but it is hard to make that decision to up and leave. We had an agreement to make this baby, he was doing very well will a new excellent job with more accountability and we were in a good place.
She thinks an addict is always gonna be an addict and there is no hope esp if he doesn't get help or aftercare. My mother was with an addict too (my father). So needless to say, my mother is being mama bear, and is breathing fire. My partner is the most nurturing, loving, caretaking individual when this disease is not at play. The love he has shown me I had not experienced from another man.
I wish I just knew what to do. I keep doing the Alanon, and being told to take care of myself, and all the things they tell you in these meetings. Does anyone here sort of agree with what she (my mother) is saying? No hope and I should just leave?
I think none of us can tell you what to do because every situation is different and we can't know your situation. Al-Anon tells us not to give advice (unless there is physical danger) and it would not be right of us to say what is or isn't the truth when we can't possibly know.
Also there is the fact that other people telling us what to do either might sway our judgment away from our truth, or make us react against the other person without reference to our real situation. So having someone tell us what to do just muddies the waters.
However, I get where you're probably at, because I imagine all of us have been there. People can tell us "This will happen, that will happen" and we have no way of knowing how realistic that is because we're not sure of the landscape of alcoholism. So some comments might be spot-on and some might be completely out to lunch, and it's hard to know.
One thing to consider, in my view, would be whether he is actively trying to get into recovery or whether he is still drinking. Or if he is saying he's not drinking, but not working a formal program of recovery. That line about "I'm fine, I'll just not drink, I don't need no stinkin' recovery" is one I know well.
If he is back in a formal program of recovery, AA or whatever, then the situation looks much different than if he is still out on the town.
Another thing to consider is that whatever decision you make for now doesn't have to be forever. You can decide on something to keep yourself and the baby safe and protected for now, and then reassess as things change, whether that's a month from now or a year from now or whatever. You don't have to decide on "the truth for all time" right now.
Another thing to consider is that even if he looks like he doesn't care, he is looking to see what you do now. As I understand, this is the first time he's been drinking for a long time. So he doesn't know how you'll react. The healthy part of him will be saying to himself, "Oh no, have I screwed this up? What happens now?" The addict part of him will be saying, "I really want to drink! Can I get away with it! Can I convince her to get back together with me so I can still drink? Maybe if I just promise her the moon, she'll be convinced, and we can paper over her anger about this?"
So my experience in this area is that the Alcoholic typically swears up and down that he'll stop drinking, especially IF we get back together with them. Like, we're responsible for it, and we have to get back together with them if we want them to stop. But the catch is that they won't stop (they say) UNTIL we get back together with them. So then we do - and then they don't stop, because they got what they wanted. Or they stop for a short while, and we get back together with them, and they think, "Gotcha! Did it!" - and they lapse again. I cannot tell you how many times I went through this.
So another thing to consider is that if he's going to stop, he can do that now, with his recovery program, and you can wait a good healthy time to make sure his recovery is solid - 6 months or a year - some say longer - so you know you won't be putting yourself and your baby through turmoil if he's not really sober before you come back.
I think we've all fallen for the alcoholic and the way he was before things got so bad. Some of us spend years trying to get that back. It helps if we can focus on however they are today. That is all we are promised - the "what you see is what you get."
The statistics I wish someone had told me are that only 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery programs stay sober longterm. Now because there are a lot of alcoholics, that is still a lot of sober people. But those statistics show how powerful the addiction is. I think they mean that we always need a Plan B, at the very least until their continuing recovery is very clear. No one can predict the future. But we also need to make sure that we take care of ourselves no matter what gets thrown our way. When we'll be okay no matter what, then we can make choices out of real freedom.
Take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Two times, 10 years apart, without Al-Anon, I had to sit my mother down in a restaurant and explain to her that while I love her, I need her to support me and my choices even if/when they differ from her advice, perceptions and opinions. Face to face was necessary as I wanted to 'read' her to ensure I was delivering my message firmly but with love. She was very hurt the first time, but when I was able to give examples, she listened and heard me.
It lasted for quite a while until it didn't - so the second time was easier for both of us. She readily understood she was overstepping and I never had to do it again. Ironically, we ended up at the same restaurant, at the same table each time.....I choose to see this as a God thing!!
This is your life, your relationship, your child and your journey. Working with a sponsor can help you establish boundaries that make sense for you. We never know if/when an alcoholic will/will not get recovery. It took me a long while to realize I did not have to pause my journey to 'wait' for them or anyone. There is no shame ever in loving an alcoholic and we can't turn love on/off like a faucet just because they are sick. I prefer to focus on the miracles around me each day in recovery than those who don't make it.
Be gentle with you and try to just stay present. Your mother-in-law and mother both have good intentions yet are coming from a different set of life experiences. This is where the program has helped me so much - sharing with others who can directly relate and share the personal ESH instead of what they read, think or hear.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back - it does work when we work it.
I am sorry you had to leave your home. Have you been able to find any face to face meetings? I really think you need an outsiders view and support. Someone that has some experience with the disease that is not a family member. I hope you find some peace during this special time.
I recently have been near deciding to leave because abuse and too little progress in sobriety. However, I have some interests in the welfare of a little child, and recovery is the best option. I asked A to see a GP medical doctor we trust. She said for me to go and tell him what has been going on. I did. His first reaction was that she should be interned, but agreed that it wasn't the best option as it didn't work in the past. We discussed a couple of medications. Then we returned to the doctor later. He listened to A and told her we both want to help her. At this point working with the doctor is helping and treatment has drastically reduced alcohol consumption, decreased abuse, and increased interest in work.
We are in Mexico. In this case treatment by an understanding GP became the only hope as other avenues have not worked.
-- Edited by spritrig on Friday 12th of May 2017 12:52:28 PM