I don't know what to do. My relationship with my adult alcoholic daughter, who lives several thousand miles away is in such bad shape. We talked yesterday because my husband is sick and needs one or possibly two surgeries. I could tell she was drunk and missed work again. This happened after a several day bender a couple of weeks ago where she missed work too. After getting a frantic call from her ex boyfriend about her condition, I decided to take a flight to check on her. I stayed a week. She was sober while I was there, but as soon as I left, the drinking and mixing prescription meds, started back up. This absolutely scares me to death!!! My husband and myself are at our wits end trying to figure out what to do since we don't live close. Should I confront her again, and tell her I know that she is drinking and emphasize that I have enough to worry about with her father's condition, without worrying about her too, or should I forget about saying anything, and just let her slip down this dark path again and possibly endanger her life? She has been to rehab 3 times and detox once. She has seizures when she tries to detox herself.
hotrod said
May 10, 2017
((Lana)) This is indeed a dreadful disease. I so identify with your concerns and would like to first state that we are powerless over this destructive disease. You did not cause it , cannot control it and cannot cure it. You have attempted to show your support by visiting and while you were there all went back to normal but as soon as you came home the insanity resumed . This is normal for the disease.
You have enough concerns now that your husband's health needs attention. You can call her , express your concern if you like, but remember you are powerless and she will appear to listen and still her disease will probably win . In order to relieve my own fears I have called 911 in my son's State, expressed, my fears, as you have here and requested a "wellness check". On different occasions they have taken him to detox or to a mental health inpatient facility , or said he was fine and left him home. I felt better knowing he was looked in on.
The AA Inter-Group Office in her state might also call and talk to her (I have requested that as well). Please take care of yourself and your hubby. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Lana said
May 10, 2017
Thank you Hotrod. Do you think it will any impact on telling her I know she is in trouble again, or am I wanting to do this to make myself feel better?
hotrod said
May 10, 2017
Hi Lana It is good that you are checking your motives before making the call. It is OK to call to make yourself feel better as long as you understand and accept that you are powerless, and that she might simply deny it. Denial is a great tool of the disease.
Stay detached and objective so that you will be comfortable in talking with her and will express your love and concern in a non- judgmental caring manner. Holding positive thoughts.
Iamhere said
May 10, 2017
Hey Lana - so sorry for the worry and concern you have for your daughter. When my AH had to have open heart surgery, both of my boys were active in the disease. I had to do a ton of soul-searching about my motives before taking action. In the end, removing as much baggage and emotion as I could, I decided they had a right to know that their father was having a big surgery. I called each (God was with me), neither answered the phone, and I left messages.
One got cleaned up enough to stop up by for less than an hour. The other never made it to the hospital. I was blessed that my AH's siblings, even though he's isolated from them came up and spent time with me. I also had offers from program friends of support, meals, prayers, company, etc. Recovery has given me the ability to work on me and doing what makes the best sense based on the circumstances. I make mistakes as I am human, yet each time, when I leave the outcome to God, it goes well enough that I've gotten to the other side.
What Betty says is what helped me tons - stay detached and objective. Trust the process and the program....it does work when we work it!
Lana said
May 10, 2017
Thank you. Mother's intuition tells me something bad is going to happen to her. She's had several seizures in the past because of mixing prescription meds with alcohol. Thank goodness she wasn't by herself. She lives alone now since her be brokeup with her. I've pretty much exhausted the kindness of all her friends to go and check on her. A picture of her passing alone is etched in my mind and breaks my heart!
el-cee said
May 10, 2017
I hear you Lana. It's so tough when it's your children. Your not alone. I live to remember where there life there hope. If you can resist rescuing or fixing she may get sick of being sick. Hotrod suggests a wellbeing check and that would help ease your mind. There are other tools too like imaging your wrapping her in a big fluffy blanket and hand her over to God. Ask that she be looked after and she gets what she needs. It's an awful disease and with my family I got to the point where I felt death would not be the worst thing to happen it would offer peace from the torture of the disease. I listen to aa speakers on YouTube and some of these people took their lives right to the brink and got recovery. I pray you get peace and maybe even get your daughter back. Alanon meeting a will get you a support network from those who have walked your path x
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 10th of May 2017 11:11:17 AM
Cathyinaz said
May 10, 2017
((( Lana )))
Do the wellness check. The authorities are better at handling these kind of things. If they go and feel she is in need of help they will take her to the hospital. I did it once with my son. He was mad but he was safe in the hospital detoxing with help.
My son used to use pillows to prop himself on his side just in case he has a seizure so he would stop breathing. But of course it happened right in front of me once and he turned blue.....before I got him on his side. It's really scary stuff.
I know how concerned you are. I was the same way. But I learned I was only making myself sick and it wasn't helping my son at all. He didn't know or care at the time of his binges what MOM was worried about.
You have to help yourself....yeah it's very sad to think you have to let your child go but nothing is going to change unless something changes.
Take care and keep coming back you are truly not alone here.
Iamhere said
May 10, 2017
I agree with Cathy - do a wellness check (or several) if it gives you peace of mind. They are trained to handle it way better than we are, and will make a decision on care required or not based on specific criteria.
I understand also - it's very hard when it's your child. It's not much easier when it's you mother either. The disease does suck - and recovery does work when we work it. You are not alone!
serenity47 said
May 12, 2017
I am very sorry to hear about your struggles and worry about your daughter. As mentioned by others there is nothing wrong with expressing your concern to her about her drinking and prescription drug abuse but then you need to let go of any outcomes. The reality is they do not hear us for very long and although she is not trying to cause you additional stress and worry the disease is such that nothing else matters as much as the substances. QTIP (quit taking it personally) was a big one for me when my daughter was using substances. I felt very hurt and could not understand why she would be hurting her family so much. I did not understand the power the disease had over her at the time. I have contacted the police when my daughter went missing and also had her checked up on by friends to give myself piece of mind . It did not change anything but it helped me to calm down. I found also that alot of what i worried about and feared did not come true and i spent alot of time focusing on the worst case scenarios. This does not mean that it could not happen only that even if it did my incessant worrying was not about to stop it. My daughter currently is in recovery and doing well. She lives over 1000 miles away from me. I know only what she tells me. I also know that she has her own hp and I am not it. Your daughter is truly not all alone as her hp is with her at all times. I take one day at a time and nothing for granted anymore. I work hard to stay focused on myself as much as i can. She embraced recovery when she was ready. There were many days when i didnt think she or I was was going to make it through. I did my best to love and support her throughout it all without getting in the way of her reaching out. Please take care of yourself and your husband. Hugs
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 12th of May 2017 08:57:05 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 12th of May 2017 09:11:53 PM
I don't know what to do. My relationship with my adult alcoholic daughter, who lives several thousand miles away is in such bad shape. We talked yesterday because my husband is sick and needs one or possibly two surgeries. I could tell she was drunk and missed work again. This happened after a several day bender a couple of weeks ago where she missed work too. After getting a frantic call from her ex boyfriend about her condition, I decided to take a flight to check on her. I stayed a week. She was sober while I was there, but as soon as I left, the drinking and mixing prescription meds, started back up. This absolutely scares me to death!!! My husband and myself are at our wits end trying to figure out what to do since we don't live close. Should I confront her again, and tell her I know that she is drinking and emphasize that I have enough to worry about with her father's condition, without worrying about her too, or should I forget about saying anything, and just let her slip down this dark path again and possibly endanger her life? She has been to rehab 3 times and detox once. She has seizures when she tries to detox herself.
((Lana)) This is indeed a dreadful disease. I so identify with your concerns and would like to first state that we are powerless over this destructive disease. You did not cause it , cannot control it and cannot cure it. You have attempted to show your support by visiting and while you were there all went back to normal but as soon as you came home the insanity resumed . This is normal for the disease.
You have enough concerns now that your husband's health needs attention. You can call her , express your concern if you like, but remember you are powerless and she will appear to listen and still her disease will probably win .
In order to relieve my own fears I have called 911 in my son's State, expressed, my fears, as you have here and requested a "wellness check". On different occasions they have taken him to detox or to a mental health inpatient facility , or said he was fine and left him home. I felt better knowing he was looked in on.
The AA Inter-Group Office in her state might also call and talk to her (I have requested that as well).
Please take care of yourself and your hubby. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Thank you Hotrod. Do you think it will any impact on telling her I know she is in trouble again, or am I wanting to do this to make myself feel better?
Stay detached and objective so that you will be comfortable in talking with her and will express your love and concern in a non- judgmental caring manner. Holding positive thoughts.
One got cleaned up enough to stop up by for less than an hour. The other never made it to the hospital. I was blessed that my AH's siblings, even though he's isolated from them came up and spent time with me. I also had offers from program friends of support, meals, prayers, company, etc. Recovery has given me the ability to work on me and doing what makes the best sense based on the circumstances. I make mistakes as I am human, yet each time, when I leave the outcome to God, it goes well enough that I've gotten to the other side.
What Betty says is what helped me tons - stay detached and objective. Trust the process and the program....it does work when we work it!
Thank you. Mother's intuition tells me something bad is going to happen to her. She's had several seizures in the past because of mixing prescription meds with alcohol. Thank goodness she wasn't by herself. She lives alone now since her be brokeup with her. I've pretty much exhausted the kindness of all her friends to go and check on her. A picture of her passing alone is etched in my mind and breaks my heart!
I hear you Lana. It's so tough when it's your children. Your not alone. I live to remember where there life there hope. If you can resist rescuing or fixing she may get sick of being sick. Hotrod suggests a wellbeing check and that would help ease your mind. There are other tools too like imaging your wrapping her in a big fluffy blanket and hand her over to God. Ask that she be looked after and she gets what she needs. It's an awful disease and with my family I got to the point where I felt death would not be the worst thing to happen it would offer peace from the torture of the disease. I listen to aa speakers on YouTube and some of these people took their lives right to the brink and got recovery. I pray you get peace and maybe even get your daughter back. Alanon meeting a will get you a support network from those who have walked your path x
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 10th of May 2017 11:11:17 AM
Do the wellness check. The authorities are better at handling these kind of things. If they go and feel she is in need of help they will take her to the hospital. I did it once with my son. He was mad but he was safe in the hospital detoxing with help.
My son used to use pillows to prop himself on his side just in case he has a seizure so he would stop breathing. But of course it happened right in front of me once and he turned blue.....before I got him on his side. It's really scary stuff.
I know how concerned you are. I was the same way. But I learned I was only making myself sick and it wasn't helping my son at all. He didn't know or care at the time of his binges what MOM was worried about.
You have to help yourself....yeah it's very sad to think you have to let your child go but nothing is going to change unless something changes.
Take care and keep coming back you are truly not alone here.
I understand also - it's very hard when it's your child. It's not much easier when it's you mother either. The disease does suck - and recovery does work when we work it. You are not alone!
I am very sorry to hear about your struggles and worry about your daughter. As mentioned by others there is nothing wrong with expressing your concern to her about her drinking and prescription drug abuse but then you need to let go of any outcomes. The reality is they do not hear us for very long and although she is not trying to cause you additional stress and worry the disease is such that nothing else matters as much as the substances. QTIP (quit taking it personally) was a big one for me when my daughter was using substances. I felt very hurt and could not understand why she would be hurting her family so much. I did not understand the power the disease had over her at the time. I have contacted the police when my daughter went missing and also had her checked up on by friends to give myself piece of mind . It did not change anything but it helped me to calm down. I found also that alot of what i worried about and feared did not come true and i spent alot of time focusing on the worst case scenarios. This does not mean that it could not happen only that even if it did my incessant worrying was not about to stop it. My daughter currently is in recovery and doing well. She lives over 1000 miles away from me. I know only what she tells me. I also know that she has her own hp and I am not it. Your daughter is truly not all alone as her hp is with her at all times. I take one day at a time and nothing for granted anymore. I work hard to stay focused on myself as much as i can. She embraced recovery when she was ready. There were many days when i didnt think she or I was was going to make it through. I did my best to love and support her throughout it all without getting in the way of her reaching out. Please take care of yourself and your husband. Hugs
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 12th of May 2017 08:57:05 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 12th of May 2017 09:11:53 PM