How have you all dealt with people at meetings that you found to be disruptive, or disrespectful?  I recently missed a number of meetings in a row due to illness.  Initially, I had something I could spread, then some of the symptoms died down, but not others, and a doctor visit was in order to be sure I didn't have something else I could pass around.  When I got the all clear, I returned, despite my not feeling 100% - I was given new meds and I should start feeling better in a week or two, when they start to build up.

I'd been attending my meeting for about a month when I first encountered a woman who attends sporadically, and her BFF, who attends even less.  I don't care about their attendance - let me make that abundantly clear - just trying to set up the scenario.  And I understand that when you have personalities in a room, you aren't going to get along with all of them.

At any rate, back to me being there about a month.  I didn't have a lot of money, and was saving up to buy daily readers.  Someone from the group mistakenly told me that I could get them in paperback for really cheap - she thought $5 each.  So I sold something I had to get the money, and came in the next week. The woman who told me the information wasn't there.  So I approached the woman (it was the first time I'd encountered her) after being told by someone else that she was who I needed to see to buy books.  We'll call her Jeanie, but it's not her real name.  I asked about it, and handed her $15.  She said "You don't have enough to buy three.  Just one."  I barely got out "Well, someone last week told me I could get them for $5 ea in paperback" before she interrupted me and rather loudly demanded to know who told me that.  I told her I didn't recall names and I didn't see her there that week, and she then informed me that the daily readers don't come in paperback "Nope.  Uh-Uh.  No.", as if a simple "no" didn't suffice.  She kept on about it.  I just wanted to crawl in a hole.  I finally told her to forget it, and went to leave.  She said something about if it was "that big of a deal" then I could borrow them, but she'd write down I had them, blah blah....no thanks.  I ended up getting my books from eBay.

I didn't see her for a few weeks, then she came back.  She brought a friend.  They sat around the whole time giggling like schoolgirls, playing on their phones, talking to each other, etc.  I'm in my 40's and both of them are older than me.  Her BFF has a similar name, and they went on and on about it.  I'll call her BFF "Jinny", but that's not her real name either.  We had a new person that night.  Never saw them again.  I know that happens frequently, but I had in the back of my mind that had they been there my first night, I wouldn't have come back either.  I see Jeanie sporadically - once every 5-6 weeks, and she's always loud, and only friendly with certain people (she rarely speaks to me).  Sometimes she's there alone, sometimes with Jinny.  Jinny never ever comes alone - only with Jeanie.  Both of them are parents of alcoholics.  I don't have children - I'm married to my alcoholic (husband).  If you're a parent of an alcoholic and sharing, you have her undivided attention.  She is chomping at the bit to share her wisdom when she has a chance to speak.  If your alcoholic is a spouse, parent, etc, she doesn't care.  She's on her phone, or talking to Jinny, or flipping through stuff in her tote bag.  She makes no effort to hide it.  She makes no effort to be quiet. 

Last night I walked in, and got some hellos, and "glad you're back" from people. She was sitting in the spot to chair the meeting, and I cringed.  She was talking to Jinny, looked up, and went right back to talking.  Someone came in that I didn't recognize, but I've been missing, so I figure they could have been there before and I didn't know, or could have come years ago, and I didn't know them (that's happened).  She looked up, said "Are you new?".  The woman barely got out "I've been here a few times" and she just went back to what she was doing when that woman came in.

All night long, she was flipping through papers, being indifferent to conversations, looking at her phone, etc.  While she was chairing.  Someone in the group gave her a flyer to pass around - it wasn't a district thing, but it was related, and she looked at it then chucked it on the table, never circulating it.  I'm our group's GR.  I had only been coming to meetings for approximately 5 months when I was given the spot - no one else wanted it or was eligible for it.  I've done service work in the past with other organizations, so I have experience with it.  But this baffles me.  I'm not the type who thinks meetings should be all somber, and no fun can be had (our district meetings are a lot of fun), but I do have an issue with what I see as disrespect.  I don't want to leave the group - there are few in my area, and I otherwise really like it.  Last night, she pulled out the flyer for the district convention, and started to mention it, then said "Oh, why is this still in here?  Too late to register now.  Registration was over 3/1".  I said "No, it's still open."  She said "No, the flyer clearly says 3/1".  I responded "No, registration OPENS 3/1.  It closes 5/22." (I know this because I'm in a money pinch and will probably make my reservation last minute).  Thankfully, someone from another group was at our meeting last night - I recognize her as a GR from the district meetings, and she backed me on that.  Was there a reason to argue with me on it?  I may be new at this, but there's no need to speak to me like that.  I didn't argue and let it drop, but I'm sure the look on my face showed my displeasure.

My sponsor is also our DR.  Is it worth bouncing this off her?  I don't want to "punish" anyone or admonish them, but maybe thoughts on how to handle this should it ever come up again?  As I said prior, if I had been a newcomer when she and her BFF were present, I don't know that I'd want to come back because I'd think they were very cliquey and unfriendly.

I do understand that patience with people who annoy me is something I need to work on.  I'm sure my tiredness is something that didn't help either.  Another one of my issues is that I can say I'll give it over, but when I'm in the moment, being argued with over nothing of consequence and completely unnecessarily, I revert back to being irritated.

I didn't even talk last night, and I wanted to share a joy that my husband - who has been procrastinating on doing step 4 for some time now - signed up for a group thing where they're doing the 12 steps over the course of a set number of weeks.  He took that step and made that decision himself, and I'm very proud of him.  But I was afraid I'd not be able to bite my tongue while she looked at her phone and flipped through her stuff, looking completely disinterested.  And I understand that's on me.  Trying to get in the mindset that I don't care if she doesn't care.  It just may take me some time......maybe a lot time.....

Thankfully, she only shows up every few weeks.  Sometimes I'd love to ask her when she plans on coming, so I know to stay home, lol.

There's only one other meeting even remotely near me, and while they're all nice people, I don't care for the way they structure their meeting.  I prefer more discussion over mostly reading from approved literature.  Plus, I'm GR, and I love that - I don't want to give that up.

The woman last night that I hadn't seen before was the kind that I could see saying something about some people not making her feel welcome - I got that vibe from her.  She asked a ton of questions because our treasurer brought up about taking a vote on a contribution to the district, and he mentioned about needing to set money aside to send me to the state conference in the fall, and she started asking all kinds of questions about what the point of the conference is, etc.  Which is fine - I appreciate people who want to know what's going on so they can be informed.  Maybe I'll mention it in passing to my sponsor/DR in a light fashion - not a "It ticked me off" fashion.  She has lots of good advice.  We need to be more welcoming - that was part of our last district meeting (and maybe I can use that to start up the convo).

Everyone has provided excellent responses to this question and dilema. I would just like to point out that the Al-Anon closing states:" you may not like all of us but will learn to love us in a special way".

I do believe that I learned to practice all of Al-Anon principles by attending meetings and running into people such as you have described. I learned patience and to not react.. I learned to detach. to put principles above personalities and most of all I then learned to say what I mean without saying it mean. I did develop all of my Al-Anon skills by first using the tools in the Al-Anon meetings first so keep going back ,try different meetings. if you choose and remember it's all a learning experience.

Hi Funkified,

                   I have often sat in meetings, and wondered what other people were thinking about. So now I know what you were thinking about.... ...

People often say to place principles above personalities, which is much easier said than done. Most of us have had long times in our lives where we were not actually listened to, or taken seriously. In Alanon, we don't find perfect people, either, but the reason why we are here- is that we are all triers!

I wish fervently that I had had that amount of thinking, going on for me, when I started Aanon. From memory I felt pretty numb. A lot of thoughts and feelings arise at meetings- and over time we start to pick up on these and grow emotionally.

Wishing you well, my friend, and giving you a little time...

      cheers,

           DavidG.

Hi funkified,

The scenarios you described are pretty typical at least from my experience. We all have our "stuff." Alanon must have known this too because our closing includes that we may not like everyone but will learn to love in a "very special way." Over time, I've developed tolerance and detachment at meetings. I've no doubt others have where I am concerned as well. I find myself in trouble when I begin to see certain member to be this or that. I try to stay away from that thinking. When I adopted it, it didn't serve me very well. I would come to a meeting anticipating that someone was going to act a particular way that I found irksome. Naturally, I couldn't focus on the meeting because I was outwardly focused on the members. As I became more focused with the help of my higher power to listen for the message rather than critiquing the messenger, I began to leave meetings with some serenity. 

As far as the woman who cut you off when discussing the price of Alanon literature, I would also have felt her reaction was a bit over the top. So.. maybe you are a bit healthier in you face to face direct communication that she is. You don't have to wear her behavior, she does. I have experienced people like that too at meetings. The up side is that I learned to be heard respectfully in the rooms of Alanon. It can feel embarrassing at first when someone gets loud and forceful and attracts the attention of those around you in an Alanon meeting but we also have a right to be heard. Some of those seemingly humiliating experiences were tests from my higher power to assert my boundaries with others. I was able to then carry those lessons into my life with others. 

I hope things get better for you at your meeting place. If not, hopefully you have some other face to face alanon meeting near your home to try. It's important to be welcoming but when I've been to meetings where the primary focus was socialization rather than Alanon, I've looked for other meetings. I want to keep recovering.  (((hugs))) TT