I have not posted here in awhile. My ex A BF and I have been apart for a little over 1 year. I have been seeing someone new, meeting friends, my life has drastically improved to my old self. Relief there. But, of course we leave them and think they are going to just crumble in their disease and fall on a street corner and the whole world will get what they were "really like" all those years to us. I am questioning my own sanity. After we split last year, he called me to tell me his A best guy friend had stopped drinking! Not using AA! And, BONUS, in part due to his extremely supportive girlfriend of only 6 months who now lives with him. I was told how he sat and watched them, and wished I could have been that pillar of just love and undying support for him. why. I said, " Well, maybe she did not get the crap I got from you. OR, Maybe if you were a fly on the wall you may see that she does, and they hide it well." I was CERTAIN, this would fall apart. Not only are those two still going, and he is not attending aa and brags online how long he has been sober, my ex is now dating someone who doesn't seem like a drunk. An organized person.. like myself. And she stuck around almost one year? He was treating me so badly the first 4 months. Passing out. Peeing. vomiting. yelling. And I was the person he wanted to marry. The long term girlfriend he tried to stop drinking for. Nope back at it and found someone new who is just... perfect, er , I mean tolerant? He mentally tried to break me in every way. I mean, I had to remind myself of the pee, so I did not start to think crazy thoughts like, " MAYBE IT WAS MY FAULT. MAYBE IT WAS ME. WAS I TOO PUSHY?" God. Someone tell me this is normal. They relate and this has happened to them. It is hard to be supportive of someone you cannot trust with other women, who tries to keep you down. Seems this new person is just so amazing, he doesn't have to act so crappy to her!
Frustrating. Anyone?
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 8th of May 2017 11:59:57 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
May 9, 2017
((((giraffe13)))) Please do not question your sanity. You are damn lucky you got out of the madness before you married him!!! Of course he wants to throw his friend in your face! It's what addicts do... it's always someone else's fault, not their own.
The funny thing about addiction is, that many times they relapse. Perhaps you ex was just seeing them during a "good" period. In my experience, the hope you feel during those times is blissful, but all too often gets dashed on the rocks when addiction rears its ugly head again. And it does.
It is GOOD for you to remind yourself of the peeing, vomiting and especially the yelling. He is probably no better to this new person. But really, I am learning that it is insanity to be so focused on them. As you said, your life has drastically improved... don't give your exABF another thought!!
giraffe13 said
May 9, 2017
Yes thanks. I may need to write down the negatives so I do not forget! On a positive note, I would like to add, Before recently questioning my sanity,lol, I was enjoying the company daily and still am of a wonderful non alcoholic man! Hooray. And, looking back on all the wisdom on this board, I do see that it is not until we have had a "belly full" that we are done with the A, and don't get cajoled back into trying again. I made the decision I had enough, and funny, someone great asked me out. I must say the difference in character is like night and day between a sober man and a drunk. I have forgotten that feeling! yet, I still questioned my sanity when I saw someone had hung around my ex longer than two months. Just could not fathom how I guess and blamed myself.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 9th of May 2017 12:29:18 AM
a4l said
May 9, 2017
I see an alcoholic still attempting to push someone into scapegoat role, that someone being you. Still searching for an enabler to the denial, denial and avoidance of admitting ones own alcoholism being critical to maintaining the disease. One year is not a long time. Especially when one fears an entire lifetime of not scratching the itch, the itch being of course, addiction. So we fool ourselves until we can't anymore and damn anyone who gets in the way.
Be happy you got free, and even though he's gone, keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
May 9, 2017
LOL .. I'm sorry giraffe it is sooo good to see you back .. I really agree with A41 .. if he's actually sober that's great good for him.
I think something that helped me deal with that rejection is to remember a few things about life .. sometimes people are in your life for a season and I tend to try to make them a lifetime .. my XAH and I should have never been together as long as we were .. I would still have my kids .. both of them however I would have left a WHOLE LOT sooner.
While people DO change .. and sometimes miracles occur .. people who truly have a change of heart do not go out of their way to hurt people they have hurt .. that's not healing that's hateful, resentful and so on. Sounds like he's aware you are seeing someone new.
I have often heard and said myself the hardest person to get rid of is an A. My XAH will not speak to me .. I personally find it hysterical in terms of oookkk .. Mr. Married Already .. not my issue .. however he continues to do things that wind him up in court .. so my feeling is that he REALLY must want to see me .. LOL! IF he didn't he would just do what he's suppose to do and move forward instead of going out of his way to make things impossible.
BIG HUGS :)
No you are not crazy .. you just need a quick reality check of someone showing you irrational behavior and you getting a quick validation that all is still good my friend. :) Yes, these situations do make a person doubt their sanit.
S :)
hotrod said
May 9, 2017
Giraffe welcome back when I hear you relate this story regarding your ex, I hear a great deal of denial, manipulation, pretend and "wishful hoping." on his part. and I am tempted to ask the question why should you have sacrificed so much to maintain the relationship-- was he willing to? Alcoholics refuse to accept responsibility for any situation so be grateful that you took care of yourself.
We are all imperfectly human and you took care of yourself in the best way you know how. Good job!! You are not a martyr or St. and were not willing to sacrifice your life to the insanity of alcoholism. Others might. I'm glad that you are rebuilding your life and enjoying the benefits. I would wish your ex well and Let Go
shrnp said
May 9, 2017
giraffe13,
That is great you had the courage to start seeing someone else. I would not look back in the mirror. If your ex keeps calling and he cannot have a more positive conversation you might want to consider if he is worth talking to. It is not unreasonable to tell him that he is not a part of your life anymore especially if he only wants to hurt your feelings. It is so easy to feel the way they made us feel with just a few unkind words.
Iamhere said
May 9, 2017
Good to see you giraffe - glad you stopped back by.....I question my sanity most days as I start with prayer and meditation. Not necessarily in a bad way, just an admittance I need my HP or I can 'get there' in a heart beat. I know for me that anytime I begin to compare my insides to what others show me - it will just not end well. I can't say for sure why, but my brain wants to process these scenarios as negative, fault-finding and unhealthy still at times.
I also know that when I try to determine what another person, alcoholic or not, is really feeling or thinking, I've stepped sideways with my own program. My sponsor suggests that when I begin to feel a loss of serenity, I can pause and ask myself how does this affect me? Am I projecting? Am I living in the moment? This disease has so much denial.....keeping it simple and doing what I can to focus on me brings me more calm and peace than anything I've ever tried before.
I'm reminded of the Acceptance writings in the Big Book of AA -
Acceptance
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Of course, tweak it for our program purposes. But this is always so spot on for me when I am troubled...(((Hugs)))
PeggyRey said
May 9, 2017
My husbands affair was 3 years ago. He subscribed to those hookup sites, knowing he was going to cheat. He had been talking to her for months before I caught on; and when I confronted him he lied. He even took a phone call from her during our daughters graduation! He had to step out of the open house to talk to his mistress come to find out! I figured it all out when a friend told me about a genuine hacker whom had helped her through the kinda stuff i was going through, he helped me hack into his phone. I had found out her name, address, social media info, everythingthere was no denying it, but he sure tried! He lied over and no matter what, i got the truth..
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 9th of May 2017 08:40:37 PM
giraffe13 said
May 10, 2017
PeggyRey, we ended because a friend told me he drunkenly made a grave mistake when we were broken up and really hurt a dear friend of his, and me as a result. Everyone was disgusted with him and as life goes, in time people forget, and you are left with the real life pain and journey to heal. SO GRATEFUL he finally made that mistake. It set me free. Weird to say!!!
A month after I found out, we only talked once, we had a heart to heart talk and he managed to squeeze into that what I shared above. I do remember thinking, if someone is truly sorry, or realizes their errors, they are not saying something like this. They are just fixing it. What in the world is going on here. That was a year ago but the other day I was taken aback by seeing he was dating?! makes me laugh sort of, but also remembered what he said. That voice in my head. Thank you for the reminders!!
Just like our recovery is our responsibility, I would have to think that their sobriety and recovery is also theirs. As the AA poem even suggests. If someone is that destructive to their success, they should move away from that individual, just as we would in Al Anon to maintain our recovery. He made me think for a second, but I did not let him see that. I kept truckin' ;)! I guess I just need the reminder. Thanks guys. Enjoyed your responses.. : )
Iamhere said
May 10, 2017
Welcome to MIP PeggyRey - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. Keep coming back!
I have not posted here in awhile. My ex A BF and I have been apart for a little over 1 year. I have been seeing someone new, meeting friends, my life has drastically improved to my old self. Relief there. But, of course we leave them and think they are going to just crumble in their disease and fall on a street corner and the whole world will get what they were "really like" all those years to us. I am questioning my own sanity. After we split last year, he called me to tell me his A best guy friend had stopped drinking! Not using AA! And, BONUS, in part due to his extremely supportive girlfriend of only 6 months who now lives with him. I was told how he sat and watched them, and wished I could have been that pillar of just love and undying support for him.
why. I said, " Well, maybe she did not get the crap I got from you. OR, Maybe if you were a fly on the wall you may see that she does, and they hide it well." I was CERTAIN, this would fall apart. Not only are those two still going, and he is not attending aa and brags online how long he has been sober, my ex is now dating someone who doesn't seem like a drunk. An organized person.. like myself. And she stuck around almost one year?
He was treating me so badly the first 4 months. Passing out. Peeing. vomiting. yelling. And I was the person he wanted to marry. The long term girlfriend he tried to stop drinking for. Nope back at it and found someone new who is just... perfect, er , I mean tolerant? He mentally tried to break me in every way. I mean, I had to remind myself of the pee, so I did not start to think crazy thoughts like, " MAYBE IT WAS MY FAULT. MAYBE IT WAS ME. WAS I TOO PUSHY?" God. Someone tell me this is normal. They relate and this has happened to them. It is hard to be supportive of someone you cannot trust with other women, who tries to keep you down. Seems this new person is just so amazing, he doesn't have to act so crappy to her!
Frustrating. Anyone?
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 8th of May 2017 11:59:57 PM
The funny thing about addiction is, that many times they relapse. Perhaps you ex was just seeing them during a "good" period. In my experience, the hope you feel during those times is blissful, but all too often gets dashed on the rocks when addiction rears its ugly head again. And it does.
It is GOOD for you to remind yourself of the peeing, vomiting and especially the yelling. He is probably no better to this new person. But really, I am learning that it is insanity to be so focused on them. As you said, your life has drastically improved... don't give your exABF another thought!!
Yes thanks. I may need to write down the negatives so I do not forget! On a positive note, I would like to add, Before recently questioning my sanity,lol, I was enjoying the company daily and still am of a wonderful non alcoholic man! Hooray. And, looking back on all the wisdom on this board, I do see that it is not until we have had a "belly full" that we are done with the A, and don't get cajoled back into trying again. I made the decision I had enough, and funny, someone great asked me out. I must say the difference in character is like night and day between a sober man and a drunk. I have forgotten that feeling! yet, I still questioned my sanity when I saw someone had hung around my ex longer than two months. Just could not fathom how I guess and blamed myself.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 9th of May 2017 12:29:18 AM
I think something that helped me deal with that rejection is to remember a few things about life .. sometimes people are in your life for a season and I tend to try to make them a lifetime .. my XAH and I should have never been together as long as we were .. I would still have my kids .. both of them however I would have left a WHOLE LOT sooner.
While people DO change .. and sometimes miracles occur .. people who truly have a change of heart do not go out of their way to hurt people they have hurt .. that's not healing that's hateful, resentful and so on. Sounds like he's aware you are seeing someone new.
I have often heard and said myself the hardest person to get rid of is an A. My XAH will not speak to me .. I personally find it hysterical in terms of oookkk .. Mr. Married Already .. not my issue .. however he continues to do things that wind him up in court .. so my feeling is that he REALLY must want to see me .. LOL! IF he didn't he would just do what he's suppose to do and move forward instead of going out of his way to make things impossible.
BIG HUGS :)
No you are not crazy .. you just need a quick reality check of someone showing you irrational behavior and you getting a quick validation that all is still good my friend. :) Yes, these situations do make a person doubt their sanit.
S :)
Giraffe welcome back when I hear you relate this story regarding your ex, I hear a great deal of denial, manipulation, pretend and "wishful hoping." on his part. and I am tempted to ask the question why should you have sacrificed so much to maintain the relationship-- was he willing to? Alcoholics refuse to accept responsibility for any situation so be grateful that you took care of yourself.
We are all imperfectly human and you took care of yourself in the best way you know how. Good job!! You are not a martyr or St. and were not willing to sacrifice your life to the insanity of alcoholism. Others might. I'm glad that you are rebuilding your life and enjoying the benefits. I would wish your ex well and Let Go
That is great you had the courage to start seeing someone else. I would not look back in the mirror. If your ex keeps calling and he cannot have a more positive conversation you might want to consider if he is worth talking to. It is not unreasonable to tell him that he is not a part of your life anymore especially if he only wants to hurt your feelings. It is so easy to feel the way they made us feel with just a few unkind words.
I also know that when I try to determine what another person, alcoholic or not, is really feeling or thinking, I've stepped sideways with my own program. My sponsor suggests that when I begin to feel a loss of serenity, I can pause and ask myself how does this affect me? Am I projecting? Am I living in the moment? This disease has so much denial.....keeping it simple and doing what I can to focus on me brings me more calm and peace than anything I've ever tried before.
I'm reminded of the Acceptance writings in the Big Book of AA -
Acceptance
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Of course, tweak it for our program purposes. But this is always so spot on for me when I am troubled...(((Hugs)))
My husbands affair was 3 years ago. He subscribed to those hookup sites, knowing he was going to cheat. He had been talking to her for months before I caught on; and when I confronted him he lied. He even took a phone call from her during our daughters graduation! He had to step out of the open house to talk to his mistress come to find out! I figured it all out when a friend told me about a genuine hacker whom had helped her through the kinda stuff i was going through, he helped me hack into his phone. I had found out her name, address, social media info, everythingthere was no denying it, but he sure tried! He lied over and no matter what, i got the truth..
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 9th of May 2017 08:40:37 PM
A month after I found out, we only talked once, we had a heart to heart talk and he managed to squeeze into that what I shared above. I do remember thinking, if someone is truly sorry, or realizes their errors, they are not saying something like this. They are just fixing it. What in the world is going on here. That was a year ago but the other day I was taken aback by seeing he was dating?! makes me laugh sort of, but also remembered what he said. That voice in my head. Thank you for the reminders!!
Just like our recovery is our responsibility, I would have to think that their sobriety and recovery is also theirs. As the AA poem even suggests. If someone is that destructive to their success, they should move away from that individual, just as we would in Al Anon to maintain our recovery. He made me think for a second, but I did not let him see that. I kept truckin' ;)! I guess I just need the reminder. Thanks guys. Enjoyed your responses.. : )