I did a HUGE disservice to my XAH while we were together because I did the emotional work of ALL of his relationships .. this went from me to his family. Apparently I deemed it my duty because I had a uterus that it was my "job".
Something I look at today is again we are back to the issue of meddling, fixing and controlling situations that are none of my business. Outside of the issue of safety when it comes to children who have no choice and no voice in what way am I doing ALL of the emotional work in someone's life with relationships that I need to keep my hands off.
I keep seeing a theme lately about relationships and emotional work .. EC said something that jarred me in terms of alcoholic or not he's still responsible for his relationship with his daughter. That is an incredibly TRUE statement .. when I stopped doing the emotional work .. he stopped showing up and it is on him to answer for the gaps.
My daughter made an interesting point and said she's not interested in a relationship with him at this point because it will be the two of them pretending everything is fine and not ever discussing the gaps .. now I can tell you how that worked for me and my dad when I brought that up .. my youngest is 13 and I haven't spoken to my dad since my youngest was 4. That's my business of how I have handled my relationships up until the last few months. I am looking to heal that in ME .. what the other person choses to do is on them .. I'm not going to fret about it. As much as I hate that I owe my dad an amends .. I do .. I have a few out there I need to deal with .. UGH .. I hate that .. LOL. It is what it is and I have no want or expectation for him to reach back.
It was always my job to muddle through the kind of relationship he could give vs what I wanted and he couldn't give .. LOL .. I know his secrets and in that family there are a million .. sigh .. not my issue to bring to light what they are.
It's not my job to build a bridge for my kids to figure things out with their dad .. this is their journey and I respect that as much as I can .. it kills me when they set themselves up for huge disappointment.
I do wish I had stayed out of more than what I did .. they would have seen his true colors as well as the disappointments would have been on HIM and no one could point anything my direction.
It is so hard to know when to much is to much for a little mind .. and I just go back to as a mother/parent I want to wrap my kids up and insulate them from as much unnecessary hurt as possible .. doing their emotional work is not helping them and that I do know is a fact.
Hugs S :)
el-cee said
May 9, 2017
What a wonderful share and I nearly missed it. Wow you are doing the work. It seems to me the awareness just keep coming and this kind of inner work pays off in my experience. Great example to us all. X
Iamhere said
May 9, 2017
Serenity - I too almost missed your share.....All I know is that feeling/desire to wrap them in bubble-wrap to keep them safe doesn't go away - no matter they age. I can see it in my parent's eyes when I am with them, and have it often with mine who are 25 and 23. I look at them at times and see the 4 and 2 year-old or the 12 and 10 year-old or ...
It's hard to let them spread their wings. I will say that you've done a great job and even if you believe that she's not quite ready and naive, she'll get through it. Mine have had to learn some lessons the hard way and while I wish it wasn't so, it means more to them because they own it - start to finish. My oldest is doing awesome in school - and because of his choices in HS and beyond, we told him he was on his own to make it happen. He's very smart but didn't care about attendance, grades, outcomes, etc. so in our minds/eyes, he was a poor student. Since he has to chase is funding, and is using some student loans, he truly cares about his GPA as it will drive his starting salary when he finishes.
So - I have to remind myself and be reminded that God does have a plan and I've done my job. With my second born fresh out of jail and newly sober, my anxiety goes up if I don't text/hear from him often. I've had to do a ton of praying, as he's 23 and entitled to a fresh start, a new life, new friends, meetings, new job, etc. Yet - one of his 'tells' of relapse is isolating and hiding from me. So - I have to really slow me down long enough to remember I got recovery, he's got recovery, God's got us both and no matter what happens, I need to let go and stay present.
Most likely, you're going to go through a ton of emotions with her getting ready for her next chapter. It's all good - lean into your program and consider how far you all have come! You all moved away, started over and are doing AWESOME!!! Keep feeling what you feel and just remember that feelings are not facts...(((hugs)))
Calm Lady said
May 11, 2017
Inspiring share, thank you.
I took on so many things that weren't my business. I am letting each one go as it reveals itself to me.
Loving this journey.
Bo said
May 11, 2017
All great posts/shares...the emotional work, the work for that matter, is, where I've always felt, recovery truly started. Doing the work is taking that first step, that first action, where you begin to face the right direction. Then, it's that first step, that first movement forward, in the right direction. It might be finding a sponsor and starting to work together, doing the steps, or Blueprint for Progress, whatever.
That said, the emotional aspect for me was always a related, but distinct part of my recovery, relationships, etc. Detachment -- for me there was physical detachment, and then there was emotional detachment. The former was easy after I got it, and got a handle on what I needed to do. The latter was hard. It was about me, my brain, my thinking, me and my stuff.
Now, I have this scenario today with my daughter. She, every day, is hurt, disappointed, let down, and more, at and with her mother. Here comes dad -- do I protect her, how do I protect her, what do I say, what do I do, and so on. A vicious cycle. Her mother has done terrible, horrible things. What's my job? My daughter is not in physical danger, there is no physical harm...but there is mental harm? Same questions. My daughter is not 10 years old. She is 21. My emotional work is doing what is best for my daughter -- in a healthy, supportive, comforting, and loving way.
I did a HUGE disservice to my XAH while we were together because I did the emotional work of ALL of his relationships .. this went from me to his family. Apparently I deemed it my duty because I had a uterus that it was my "job".
Something I look at today is again we are back to the issue of meddling, fixing and controlling situations that are none of my business. Outside of the issue of safety when it comes to children who have no choice and no voice in what way am I doing ALL of the emotional work in someone's life with relationships that I need to keep my hands off.
I keep seeing a theme lately about relationships and emotional work .. EC said something that jarred me in terms of alcoholic or not he's still responsible for his relationship with his daughter. That is an incredibly TRUE statement .. when I stopped doing the emotional work .. he stopped showing up and it is on him to answer for the gaps.
My daughter made an interesting point and said she's not interested in a relationship with him at this point because it will be the two of them pretending everything is fine and not ever discussing the gaps .. now I can tell you how that worked for me and my dad when I brought that up .. my youngest is 13 and I haven't spoken to my dad since my youngest was 4. That's my business of how I have handled my relationships up until the last few months. I am looking to heal that in ME .. what the other person choses to do is on them .. I'm not going to fret about it. As much as I hate that I owe my dad an amends .. I do .. I have a few out there I need to deal with .. UGH .. I hate that .. LOL. It is what it is and I have no want or expectation for him to reach back.
It was always my job to muddle through the kind of relationship he could give vs what I wanted and he couldn't give .. LOL .. I know his secrets and in that family there are a million .. sigh .. not my issue to bring to light what they are.
It's not my job to build a bridge for my kids to figure things out with their dad .. this is their journey and I respect that as much as I can .. it kills me when they set themselves up for huge disappointment.
I do wish I had stayed out of more than what I did .. they would have seen his true colors as well as the disappointments would have been on HIM and no one could point anything my direction.
It is so hard to know when to much is to much for a little mind .. and I just go back to as a mother/parent I want to wrap my kids up and insulate them from as much unnecessary hurt as possible .. doing their emotional work is not helping them and that I do know is a fact.
Hugs S :)
It's hard to let them spread their wings. I will say that you've done a great job and even if you believe that she's not quite ready and naive, she'll get through it. Mine have had to learn some lessons the hard way and while I wish it wasn't so, it means more to them because they own it - start to finish. My oldest is doing awesome in school - and because of his choices in HS and beyond, we told him he was on his own to make it happen. He's very smart but didn't care about attendance, grades, outcomes, etc. so in our minds/eyes, he was a poor student. Since he has to chase is funding, and is using some student loans, he truly cares about his GPA as it will drive his starting salary when he finishes.
So - I have to remind myself and be reminded that God does have a plan and I've done my job. With my second born fresh out of jail and newly sober, my anxiety goes up if I don't text/hear from him often. I've had to do a ton of praying, as he's 23 and entitled to a fresh start, a new life, new friends, meetings, new job, etc. Yet - one of his 'tells' of relapse is isolating and hiding from me. So - I have to really slow me down long enough to remember I got recovery, he's got recovery, God's got us both and no matter what happens, I need to let go and stay present.
Most likely, you're going to go through a ton of emotions with her getting ready for her next chapter. It's all good - lean into your program and consider how far you all have come! You all moved away, started over and are doing AWESOME!!! Keep feeling what you feel and just remember that feelings are not facts...(((hugs)))
I took on so many things that weren't my business. I am letting each one go as it reveals itself to me.
Loving this journey.
All great posts/shares...the emotional work, the work for that matter, is, where I've always felt, recovery truly started. Doing the work is taking that first step, that first action, where you begin to face the right direction. Then, it's that first step, that first movement forward, in the right direction. It might be finding a sponsor and starting to work together, doing the steps, or Blueprint for Progress, whatever.
That said, the emotional aspect for me was always a related, but distinct part of my recovery, relationships, etc. Detachment -- for me there was physical detachment, and then there was emotional detachment. The former was easy after I got it, and got a handle on what I needed to do. The latter was hard. It was about me, my brain, my thinking, me and my stuff.
Now, I have this scenario today with my daughter. She, every day, is hurt, disappointed, let down, and more, at and with her mother. Here comes dad -- do I protect her, how do I protect her, what do I say, what do I do, and so on. A vicious cycle. Her mother has done terrible, horrible things. What's my job? My daughter is not in physical danger, there is no physical harm...but there is mental harm? Same questions. My daughter is not 10 years old. She is 21. My emotional work is doing what is best for my daughter -- in a healthy, supportive, comforting, and loving way.