I need to share, I am at my wit's end and really I know it's probably ridiculous and a big overreaction on my part but I would like to hear other's opinions and suggestions. I finally got to talk to my dry alcoholic partner about the issues that came up between us a couple of weeks ago which I posted about here a couple of weeks ago. We were both feeling hurt and angry about different things which we had talked about a little bit by text but it was maybe 10 days before we talked face to face. I was quite pleased with how I handled those 10 days I didn't give in to my usual compulsions to fix it, to go running down there asking to talk, etc, I tried as best I could to try to soothe myself through the bit of fear and panic that arose and to keep the focus on my own life and try to live. The talk went ok, I apologised for my part, let him know that I felt it was important for me to be heard too, which was a risk and I said it was hard for me as he has often just shouted me down or become verbally abusive if I've tried to talk about feeling hurt and angry. And maybe I shouldn't try to talk I don't know, I know he's not well at all, but how to have a relationship where its only ok for one party to be hurt and angry? Anyway the talk went ok, no overt abuse, just a few digs which I tried to let go. And in fairness he did say sorry and it didn't make me feel better! I probably felt like, I apologised twice by text and you were still funny with me for a week. You apologised once and expect me to snap back into love mode again straight away. No time to process, get over, etc. Its like, the row starts when you say it starts and ends when you say it ends. Or else. I am told that if this is the way it's going to be there is someone else out there for both of us. I don't know how many times I have been told this over the last few years, or find someone else I don't care what you do. It drives me mad and he knows it does. I know he doesn't want to break up with me, I think it's his go to when he feels criticised or cornered or very frustrated. But it's what it does to me. It sends me into a tailspin, makes me feel like and and the relationship mean nothing to him and that makes me feel panic. I've asked him before not to do it, we all know there are other people out there, we don't need to be reminded. A half hour later he's telling me he loves me with all his heart. I had let it get to me. I was upset. The thing is, sometimes I don't know why I am with him anymore, it has been so difficult and there has been a lot of verbal abuse and it's all so unpredictable that there is no feeling of safety and security or anything like that. Still I can't bear the thought of letting him go or of him being with someone else. I think that's part of my illness probably. Fear. I got so completely hooked into the old insanity in such a short space of time. Now I haven't seen him again for two days, I've been busy and felt I needed to detach and try to get some perspective again. I think this is good, in the past, the more difficult things were getting, the more frantically I'd be trying to fix them, just in case, you know, he really decided to investigate and see who else is out there for him. I feel manipulated and angry that he got the reaction he may have been aiming for. I am still afraid of losing him. Any body got experience with these kind of games or ideas on how to handle them?

It is nice that you had a face to face conversation. I have learned that a conversation done through texting is too much up to interpretation to use for a serious talk. It is so easy to hurt someone else that way too. You might avoid to practice the pause, and even though you are getting strange texts, sending one back has never made me feel better. My ex was always telling me he was going to get a new girlfriend, and that would caused a lot of frantic anxiety. Then I just began finding other things to do with myself. I thought what if he did find someone else, he would not be a better partner to that woman.

It is great that you are taking time to get some perspective, that shows how much progress you are making. It all seems like such a dance, they do this, and we do that, and it feels so great to be off the dance floor for a little while.

I remember my XMIL (X's s.mom) calling and announcing my XFIL said he was "sorry" .. ok .. sorry for what? I mean an actual amends is I am sorry that I overreacted today when you asked me where something was. It's not I'm sorry. It's also not I'm sorry for everything. An amends is taking responsibility for what took place with no excuses and no JADE'ing the situation.

I really suggest working the program and figuring out the whole fear aspect of what is going on that there is a tremendous amount of issues with abandonment as well as pick me, pick me .. for the love of all that is holy pick ME.

Are you attending meetings? What are you doing to change you? If nothing changes .. nothing changes and the reality is this is a cycle of dysfunction within your relationship.

What are you getting out of being verbally abused?

I'm just curious as to why you don't see yourself as a high value woman who has a right to be loved unconditionally without all of the strings attached .. love is not conditional .. love just is .. love should not hurt, lie, steal or cheat. Love is also a verb .. doing for others not because of what is attached as a gimme back .. it just is.

Hugs keep coming back, .. the only way through are meetings, sponsorship, lit and finding those answers from within.

S :)

Thanks Sharon and Serenity for the replies. I try to work a programme, I really do, I try to focus on fixing the wounds in me that leave me open to accepting this kind of behaviour. Fear of abandonment, fear of replacement. I know where the fear comes from. But still, sometimes it all just gets the better of me. I don't know why I'm with him anymore. I don't know whether he's getting worse or I'm getting better but it gets harder and harder to be around him even when things are ok and we are not fighting and he's not drinking. I just find the negativity and need for drama and gossip hard to listen to. I feel kind of trapped. I've tried to leave so many times and it was so painful that I couldn't make it stick and went back every time. Having said all that, there are lovely things about him and those are what I miss when I stay away. But as soon as there's a problem between us everything changes. I feel like he kind of demonizes me, everything I do is wrong. I know it's time for detachment.

Hugs Sorcha,

Instead of trying to eat an elephant all at once .. take a bite at a time.

Are you working with a sponsor and attending meetings? If you can't get to face to face meetings there are meetings online which are better than nothing .. I like face to face because I like the interaction it's so hard to reconcile type and intension for me.

Alanon is a program of change and opportunity to do things differently. I grew up in a house that for lack of a better term I grew up emotionally retarded and that's a true statement for myself. I couldn't tell you anything about what I felt or what emotion was what and I considered myself to have a high emotional IQ and boy I did NOT .. LOL. Alanon helped me be able to do that however I had to do the work too. Changing my thoughts on a good day was easy .. telling the committee inside my head to sit down and shut up .. on a bad day not so much .. LOL. It is not something I would try alone because alone is how I got here. The old adage goes .. I can't fix my own broken thinking .. with my own broken thinking.

I have to have different perspectives.

I really encourage you to keep coming back. As you heal the lessons won't feel so overwhelming and things will become clearer.

Hugs S :)

I like the take one bite at a time, progress not perfection. If leaving is intimidating can you detach and not expect to the have whole package. Make the relationship not to intense. Go find something you like to do by yourself, This is s link to the Just For Today poem.
www.hazelden.org/web/blog-people-in-recovery.just-for-today.4684336.view

Thanks again Serenity and Sharon. Yes I have to detach. Talking is not getting us anywhere. He doesn't see anything wrong with the way he speaks to me, anything goes during an argument, in other words, I think, don't start one, don't tell me what you are feeling hurt or angry about unless you want to be told everything that is wrong with you and when you get upset about that, if you can't let it go and get over it straight away, there is someone else out there for me. I don't feel I can stay under these conditions, it all just makes me feel so worthless and replaceable in his eyes. At the same time, I don't feel ready to make that final decision today, so I'm just going to try to detach as much as I can and hope the answer becomes clearer. Thanks Sharon for directing me to the just for today prayer. Serenity, yes I do get face to face meetings, I do have a sponsor, of sorts, there is not a big emphasis on sponsorship or stepwork in the small area I live in. Maybe that is something I can work on. My sponsor has great recovery and a great grasp of the programme but hasn't a sponsor herself and has not formally worked the steps.

Sorcha ...

I appreciate small rural areas however having a sponsor who has no sponsor is not a great way to go .. and I get that you have to take what you can get .. I tend to call that kind of "sponsorship" temporary until I can find something different. I have done temporary sponsorship with people before and it's a great way to continue my program with the understanding we will outgrow each other.

I also want to point out and I tell my kids this all of the time .. they come home from time to time and say so and so said I'm blah blah blah .. and I was like oookkk .. so if so and so said you were a rock does that make it true? Usually the response is eyeball roll and MOOOOMMMMM .. LOL. Noo!!! My next question is .. are you a rock? (insert more eyeball rolling .. LOL) NOOOOO! Then someone can say what they want to .. it's only true if you think it is. So if you aren't a rock then why would you believe these things they say .. that's their stuff not yours.

So I encourage you to look at the situation .. if he calls you a rock is it true? What is your truth of your situation and what he's saying? If these things don't add up it helps me not to take things personally as I look at them .. I am very logic minded (accounting .. LOL .. ironic much) so if I don't believe what someone else is selling then whatever they are entitled to their opinions .. my fact/truth is I feel (insert feeling).

I also find statements like I hear what you are saying however we are not talking about what you think I feel or why I should or shouldn't .. this is how I feel. I don't yell or argue after that I walk .. after a few times of that I find that the irrational unreasonable person tends to simmer down and if they don't then again I have to question what I am doing to myself and why do I put up with that regardless if the A is sick or not .. abuse is abuse .. that's a fact.

Hugs keep coming back. You are right where you need to be and it will get better. :)

Thanks for the conversation, It is good you have a plan, and do not feel so decisive. Serenity always has such good advice too.

@ Serenity. I have been indecisive for four years now! It's the feeling of being manipulated and controlled with the threat of other women. It's been used a lot though there's been no follow through that I know of. It's worked in the past and I'm probably annoyed with myself about that. I was so scared of losing him partly because I was so lost and confused from his mind games that it would bring me back running to try to fix whatever the problem was. But ladies, I have been working on my self esteem, and the last few days I'm more inclined to think, you know what, you have a great girlfriend, I'm attractive, intelligent, creative and kind. I have stuck by you through all kinds of crap, and if you want to forget about all of that and try your luck out there, knock yourself out. I haven't said anything yet. We don't live together, I haven't seen or spoken to him in a couple of days. I am awaiting instruction from my Higher Power. I've asked for a sign, and help cos even though I joke, it will be hard if that feels like the right thing to do. He's been a huge part of my life, do they let themselves be any less than that? And there is a lot of attachment still probably, but I'm not even sure what that's about anymore. Habit? Shared experiences? Trauma bonding? Fear of being alone? Anyway, I'm ok today, going to a meeting soon, thanks again.

LOL .. I'm glad to hear you are getting to a meeting .. I laugh about the whole sign comment .. I tend to need the brick wall.

I'm just asking for food for thought for you to think about .. exactly what kind of sign are you looking for? Verbal abuse? I'm not emotionally available?

My X (#1) had a drug issue .. I KNEW he was consistently doing drugs and I kept thinking to myself .. I need a sign .. The God of my understanding is horribly sardonic at times .. LOL. So I asked for a sign and I wound up getting physically knocked around .. it has nothing to do with that God wanted me to go through this .. however I didn't listen to the other "signs" I had asked for so I will get hit with a brick wall of ok .. do you hear me now? Kind of wake up call .. LOL.

So maybe think about how are you actively listening to your HP and see if maybe the signs are there?

Shared trauma and fear of change can be a huge bonding .. not necessarily healthy bonding either.

Hugs S :)

There was meant to be smiley face before that @ Serenity. For the rock concept! Yes I hear ya, there have been so many signs, and I know it's not been a healthy attachment. But that final step is scary!