I just took the dog outside. She walked around the corner of the house and I followed. Stumbled upon my AS who was running to hide a half empty bottle of wine. I was stunned. She had to tell me three months ago that she was and alcoholic. I took this as a good sign that she was willing to be honest about it. She's been getting to meetings several times a week, has a sponsor and is reading her AA books frequently. I've had no sign that she's been drinking until just now. Now I'm scared because I realize now that this is serious
She came and talked to me a few minutes later. Told me she's drank 5 or 6 times since she first told me she was an alcoholic. She lost her sponsor who told her that she's not committed. Tuesday marked her 30 day mark and she missed her chip meeting because I was late from work. So she drank that night. So I now realize that she could basically be drinking all the time.
Aline said
May 6, 2017
This can be expected when dealing with this disease... Alanon suggests we deal with our own problems and lives, and let others deal with theirs. I used to worry myself sick about my ABF, feeling I just couldn't leave it alone and get on with my life. It didn't solve anything and in fact made things worse, since I was more often than not in a foul mood. Good of you to reach out! Take care...
hotrod said
May 6, 2017
(((WestMan))This is indeed a cunning baffling and powerful disease-- sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Please continue to come back and search out Al-Anon meetings
Freetime said
May 6, 2017
Hi, Westman, I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there ... the discovery of hidden bottles, the realization that the person had not stopped drinking and really did not intend to stop. It was a shock. I felt betrayed and hopeless.
The good thing was that this got me to begin to recognize my powerlessness, and to walk into my first Alanon meeting. It still took me a while from there, of reading literature, meetings, therapy, talking with friends who understood, coming to this forum -- a whole slew of supports to carry me through that dark time and to start moving from anger and fear to more positive thoughts and feelings.
But for now, please know that you are not alone, and that the next right step will become clear to you.
Iamhere said
May 6, 2017
(((Westman))) - so very sorry for the insanity this disease has brought forward. I remember the gut level feeling I had when I had similar experiences. As Betty points out, the disease is powerful, cunning and baffling. For an alcoholic, the pull of the drink/relief in that form is as natural as drinking coffee in the morning. For those of us who want better for them and for us, it's at times like this that we are clearly shown that we are powerless...and it stinks...
I hope you can find small ways to realize this is/was not your fault nor your responsibility. I recall wondering things such as, if I had.....then..... and the like. I had to be told over and over and over again that there is nothing I can do to cause an alcoholic to drink or to stay sober. It's a hard path to be on - I'm sending you tons of prayers and positive energy.
Be gentle with you and know that you are not alone. My hope is you can find a meeting today or reach out for a conversation with another in recovery. These small steps gave me peace when insanity was swirling around...
WestMan said
May 6, 2017
I realize that worrying about her drinking is futile. I've never been a drink monitor and I'm not interested in doing that. But she's driving our kids around. Should I not be worrying about that?
She has health problems that are taking a toll on her. I don't want to watch her drink herself to death and I REALLY REALLY don't want our children to see that.
We live many hours from any family that I might lean on. Already feels pretty lonely here but now even more so. I work full time. Our family will fall apart if she can't stay sober. I guess I'm doing that thing where I overthink the future, it's kinda my hobby even without the AS. So I'm now running on about 4hours of sleep. Woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest.
WestMan said
May 6, 2017
Aside from getting to meetings do I talk to select friends about what is going on? I'm so frightened that I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone I actually know about what's happening. I know that my AS would view any disclosure as a public humiliation and that's something she hates more than anything.
SerenityRUS said
May 6, 2017
I think you know your inner circle best .. Is there meetings in your area that you can attend? People who don't live or have lived with active addiction really don't get it. Meetings .. The people there do ..
Freetime said
May 6, 2017
Maybe breaking the problem down into small steps would be a start. I hear you are concerned about her driving the kids. Maybe just looking into other transportation options to get the kids to activities, or maybe a grocery delivery service so she doesn't have to drive them to the store, would be one step to start with.
In my experience, i was very selective about which friends I talked to about the drinking. I really only shared at first with one personal friend, whom I knew I could trust. I did not share with family at all, except my adult children when they asked.
Honestly my reticence was due to embarrassment, but I now realize it was the right thing to protect my husband's anonymity -- it would be up to him to share that personal health information about something that is stigmatized in our society, if he chose to do so. I thought about telling folks so they wouldn't offer or provide him alcohol ... but again I'm glad I didn't do that. It would just have been my effort to control -- not just my husband, but his friends and family too.
As his health got worse, various friends and family stepped up to help me with things like driving him to medical appointments and letting me stay with them as a respite ... but I never shared the alcohol part with them. I thought about doing that a lot. Sometimes I just wanted to scream "Don't you know he's a %$#*!@ alcoholic???" But I am glad I didn't. They may have figured it out on their own, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure his mother figured it out, because she, too, was married to an alcoholic.
I found the combination of a trusted close friend, a therapist, and Al-Anon meetings and sponsor, were the magic combination that helped me get through. That is why I refer to my Higher Power as my Wider Power ... it was a wide circle of various angels in the flesh that supported me in various ways, even though they could not change my husband. Because of that experience, I have hope.
Everyone's situation is different and we all have to decide for ourselves what is right for us. That is just my story.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 6th of May 2017 11:15:56 AM
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 6th of May 2017 11:22:48 AM
Iamhere said
May 6, 2017
My hope is that you got some phone numbers when you attended meetings.....that's where I would do my sharing as it's with one who does understand and can offer ESH to you. In my experience, family and friends weren't the best of resources as they either pitied the situation, judged the situation or tried to direct the resolution....none of which were what I really needed.
I needed to be heard and the be understood. I needed reassurance that I was not alone. And I needed a calming voice reminding me that I need to stay focused on this precise moment of this exact day.
I am sorry that the disease is haunting your sleep and your wake-up - I do hear you and send you prayers for some peace.....
Mattie said
May 6, 2017
I found with my A that the assumption had to be that he was drinking, and that he was not safe to drive anyone around. I couldn't stop him from driving but I stopped him from driving our child. He would swear up and down that he was not drinking, but I still would not allow it. (And I found out later that I was right.) I'd need to see several years of solid recovery before I'd let him be responsible for our child. That's the sad truth of the disease.
milkwood said
May 6, 2017
My AH said that every time he failed to stay sober it was a learning curve for him. A bit like chipping away at an old block and arriving at his truth.
I like Freetime's suggestion of breaking down your worries - when my thoughts keep me awake at night I make a note of them and think about what I can do and set aside those things that I can't solve.
It would be a joy if we could solve someone else's alcoholism but it really is their journey. Painful to see in those we love, but IMHO we are helping when we learn to not be hurt by it. I think that being able to admit to alcoholism is a big and positive step. ((((hugs))))
WestMan said
May 6, 2017
We're in a rural area. No chance for anyone to drive much besides myself or her. When I'm at work I don't have many options. Besides I don't know if she's drinking and driving with the kids. Just after walking up on her yesterday I'm now just wondering what else is happening when I'm not around.
SerenityRUS said
May 7, 2017
I can totally relate to the physical isolation .. I had to do what Mattie did which was to assume my ex was always drunk .. Even when he's not his choices were not the best. In my case he was the provider for our family .. I didn't have to deal with him doing any care taking of children. Obviously we are no longer together .. It came to my kids safety and mental well being as well as my own. I am sorry you Abe your family are going through this. Having phone numbers of people to call broke the isolation. If she's going to AA there are people who will drive to talk to her .. That was my experience watching RAs in program work. Many prayers your direction.
WestMan said
May 7, 2017
I appreciate everyone's words of advice and encouragement. Helps me wrap my head around the situation.
(((WestMan))This is indeed a cunning baffling and powerful disease-- sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Please continue to come back and search out Al-Anon meetings
Hi, Westman, I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there ... the discovery of hidden bottles, the realization that the person had not stopped drinking and really did not intend to stop. It was a shock. I felt betrayed and hopeless.
The good thing was that this got me to begin to recognize my powerlessness, and to walk into my first Alanon meeting. It still took me a while from there, of reading literature, meetings, therapy, talking with friends who understood, coming to this forum -- a whole slew of supports to carry me through that dark time and to start moving from anger and fear to more positive thoughts and feelings.
But for now, please know that you are not alone, and that the next right step will become clear to you.
I hope you can find small ways to realize this is/was not your fault nor your responsibility. I recall wondering things such as, if I had.....then..... and the like. I had to be told over and over and over again that there is nothing I can do to cause an alcoholic to drink or to stay sober. It's a hard path to be on - I'm sending you tons of prayers and positive energy.
Be gentle with you and know that you are not alone. My hope is you can find a meeting today or reach out for a conversation with another in recovery. These small steps gave me peace when insanity was swirling around...
Maybe breaking the problem down into small steps would be a start. I hear you are concerned about her driving the kids. Maybe just looking into other transportation options to get the kids to activities, or maybe a grocery delivery service so she doesn't have to drive them to the store, would be one step to start with.
In my experience, i was very selective about which friends I talked to about the drinking. I really only shared at first with one personal friend, whom I knew I could trust. I did not share with family at all, except my adult children when they asked.
Honestly my reticence was due to embarrassment, but I now realize it was the right thing to protect my husband's anonymity -- it would be up to him to share that personal health information about something that is stigmatized in our society, if he chose to do so. I thought about telling folks so they wouldn't offer or provide him alcohol ... but again I'm glad I didn't do that. It would just have been my effort to control -- not just my husband, but his friends and family too.
As his health got worse, various friends and family stepped up to help me with things like driving him to medical appointments and letting me stay with them as a respite ... but I never shared the alcohol part with them. I thought about doing that a lot. Sometimes I just wanted to scream "Don't you know he's a %$#*!@ alcoholic???" But I am glad I didn't. They may have figured it out on their own, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure his mother figured it out, because she, too, was married to an alcoholic.
I found the combination of a trusted close friend, a therapist, and Al-Anon meetings and sponsor, were the magic combination that helped me get through. That is why I refer to my Higher Power as my Wider Power ... it was a wide circle of various angels in the flesh that supported me in various ways, even though they could not change my husband. Because of that experience, I have hope.
Everyone's situation is different and we all have to decide for ourselves what is right for us. That is just my story.
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 6th of May 2017 11:15:56 AM
-- Edited by Freetime on Saturday 6th of May 2017 11:22:48 AM
I needed to be heard and the be understood. I needed reassurance that I was not alone. And I needed a calming voice reminding me that I need to stay focused on this precise moment of this exact day.
I am sorry that the disease is haunting your sleep and your wake-up - I do hear you and send you prayers for some peace.....
I found with my A that the assumption had to be that he was drinking, and that he was not safe to drive anyone around. I couldn't stop him from driving but I stopped him from driving our child. He would swear up and down that he was not drinking, but I still would not allow it. (And I found out later that I was right.) I'd need to see several years of solid recovery before I'd let him be responsible for our child. That's the sad truth of the disease.
I like Freetime's suggestion of breaking down your worries - when my thoughts keep me awake at night I make a note of them and think about what I can do and set aside those things that I can't solve.
It would be a joy if we could solve someone else's alcoholism but it really is their journey. Painful to see in those we love, but IMHO we are helping when we learn to not be hurt by it. I think that being able to admit to alcoholism is a big and positive step. ((((hugs))))