I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my partner. I miss spending time together. I miss sleeping together in the same bed at the same time. I miss the life I thought we would have after 22 years of marriage. I am having to face up and keep my boundaries and start going places without him. I am going to have to find a way to let go of this resentment and anger and sorrow. I am going to have to face up to my own part in this dance. It is getting worse, as I have always known it would. Progressive disease, downward slope. The man who never lied, never cheated and everyone looked up to as a man of integrity is now hiding, lying, and protecting his drink above all else. And I feel like a fraud myself.
I have been attending Al-Anon for over 2 years. 2 YEARS!! And I have not asked anyone to be my sponsor. Yesterday, a woman in my group with MANY years of program said something so honest that I knew I had to ask her to be my sponsor. She said what I have thought so many times. She said she was so glad her husbands sobriety did not rely on her because she didn't' want him to go to AA at first. She just wanted him to drink responsibly. We live in a beautiful wine region and all their friends drank and she did too. She thought if he went to AA their entire lives would be turned upside down and she didn't want that. She just wanted him to drink socially, a few glasses of wine like everyone else. But he couldn't stop once he started and it was making a mess of their lives. So she got out of they way. They got a new life that was amazing. They kept some of the old friends, but not all and they gained a new group that was there to support them through good and bad. It all turned out the way it should when she got to Al-Anon and got out of his way.
Except for my husband getting to AA, those are my fears as well. I have thought those very same thoughts over and over. Why can't he just be normal. Why does he have to drink bottles and bottles?
It is hard to be kind, compassionate and sympathetic. It is hard to show respect and not be snide. It is hard to keep a good tone and to look him in the eye right now. It is hard to include him in plans. It is hard to go to work and focus on my job. It is hard to imagine how things will play out and impossible to think they will end well.
So I am sad. And I am rambling.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Time to end the pity-party and move on.
SerenityRUS said
May 4, 2017
Hugs Bethany,
With you in support, letting go of the fantasy is so difficult at times, .. I didn't even have a fantasy to hold on to in my situation it just was a project of survival.
As far as the pity party .. don't let the glue set on the pity pot :) and you will be fine. I have had the moments of wanting to rail why me .. and sometimes it comes to a point of why not me .. some situations they are what they are no matter how I want to remake them.
Good on you for getting the courage to ask someone for sponsorship .. when the student is ready the teacher will come I heard that here :)
Now comes the fun .. this is where the real healing starts to happen and it is exciting as well as terrifying because sometimes it will be sad .. sometimes it will be happy and sometimes it will be scary and sometimes those little lights that come on are such welcome relief.
Big hugs and just keep doing you .. you are right where you are suppose to be even if it feels uncomfortable .. keep moving forward. :)
Iamhere said
May 4, 2017
(((Bethany))) - I hear you and I do understand completely....I wish there was a magic wand or a magic potion that would help us heal from the affects of this disease. I have had days in recovery that were difficult and the feelings in that moment were real, hard and strong. It's so difficult when more is revealed and it's contrary to what we hoped for - yet....as we say, it does pass.
My hope is that by sharing it here, you found a bit of relief. My other hope is that you feel the hugs, support and prayers I'm sending your way! Take care of you....just you - just for today...
starcatcher2 said
May 4, 2017
Bethany66 wrote:
I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my partner. I miss spending time together. I miss sleeping together in the same bed at the same time. I miss the life I thought we would have after 22 years of marriage. I am having to face up and keep my boundaries and start going places without him. I am going to have to find a way to let go of this resentment and anger and sorrow. I am going to have to face up to my own part in this dance. It is getting worse, as I have always known it would. Progressive disease, downward slope. The man who never lied, never cheated and everyone looked up to as a man of integrity is now hiding, lying, and protecting his drink above all else. And I feel like a fraud myself.
I have been attending Al-Anon for over 2 years. 2 YEARS!! And I have not asked anyone to be my sponsor. Yesterday, a woman in my group with MANY years of program said something so honest that I knew I had to ask her to be my sponsor. She said what I have thought so many times. She said she was so glad her husbands sobriety did not rely on her because she didn't' want him to go to AA at first. She just wanted him to drink responsibly. We live in a beautiful wine region and all their friends drank and she did too. She thought if he went to AA their entire lives would be turned upside down and she didn't want that. She just wanted him to drink socially, a few glasses of wine like everyone else. But he couldn't stop once he started and it was making a mess of their lives. So she got out of they way. They got a new life that was amazing. They kept some of the old friends, but not all and they gained a new group that was there to support them through good and bad. It all turned out the way it should when she got to Al-Anon and got out of his way.
Except for my husband getting to AA, those are my fears as well. I have thought those very same thoughts over and over. Why can't he just be normal. Why does he have to drink bottles and bottles?
It is hard to be kind, compassionate and sympathetic. It is hard to show respect and not be snide. It is hard to keep a good tone and to look him in the eye right now. It is hard to include him in plans. It is hard to go to work and focus on my job. It is hard to imagine how things will play out and impossible to think they will end well.
So I am sad. And I am rambling.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Time to end the pity-party and move on.
Bethany66 my heart goes out to you. You just posted my feelings TODAY!
I couldn't even imagine 22 years of marriage and having to come to that reality. So heartbreaking. I was only 1 1/2 years in. I feel the same way you do "I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my partner. I miss spending time together. I miss sleeping together in the same bed at the same time. I miss the life I thought we would have". We had plans, we had dreams. And in my situation they are all gone. I too had the exact same reaction you did. My fear is he would join AA and EVERYTHING would change. Including his feelings for me. I know it sounds selfish. I never NOT encouraged him to go. I always supported his decision, but I also thought "Why does he drink so much, why, why, why." Why "can't he know his limits. Like he tries to pretend he can as he hides his addiction to the world.
I am SO angry. Angry at myself. I am so sad. Sad I lost a great friend and partner. But I know I can't be with him. His lying, cheating and drinking have spiraled and he doesn't even care anymore. I hope you can find some peace. I am looking for mine. It really helps with forums like this, because I don't have a lot of friends that know and I'm sure they are tired of me and my depressed self. Especially in the middle of the day when all the feelings hit me like a freight train.
If you ever want to chat please message me. I would love to chat.
_bunny_ said
May 5, 2017
((Bethany66)) it's okay to feel sadness, you're grieving the life you wanted. We all share the similar feelings of hurt, anger, resentment because this hateful disease has crushed our dreams and now we're faced with all the unknowns. It's okay to sit on the pity throne for a bit. Al-Anon teaches us we must grieve, it's part of the process, we slowly become aware of reality and we learn to accept it. Only then can the true miracle of change happen, and we can move ourselves to action. Take care of you, be gentle with you, trust that HP has wrapped you in loving energy and will guide you. What a wonderful peaceful feeling it is when we find that special person we can connect with and they become our sponsor, a beautifu recovery gift all for you :)
Mercury said
May 6, 2017
I haven't been on this board for a while. I was previously talking about leaving my husband and I did it less than 2 weeks ago. I too am sad and lonely and miss him. Based on our relationship and how unhappy I was, it's illogical but very real nonetheless. I am trying my best to allow the feelings as they come because "The only way out is through". I am a big one for repressing what I feel and that has led me to lying to myself not only about what I feel or don't feel but about what I want and the choices I made. I now realize (learning the hard way - I guess that's the only way I learn) how important it is to allow the feelings of sadness, grief, loneliness, fear, disgust, whatever....to just flow through me. Rather than allow my mind to start telling me the reason I feel this way is because I am unworthy, unloveable, not good enough, this negative thing or that negative thing, I try to just let the emotional pain take it's course, in the same way I would allow a physical wound to heal on it's own. The body has to go through a process to heal and avoiding the feelings by trying to stop the pain only makes it worse in the long run. The body remembers and if I don't allow it while it is here, it will come back to haunt me at some point in the future. I think one of the main reasons my relationship with my now ex was so difficult is because it brought up the pain from my childhood that I repressed (feelings were not allowed - I think many of us are familiar with that) and they came back to haunt me, big time.
The above is a work in progress, of course. It's something I have to constantly remind myself when I have a wave of painful emotions (today I've had too many to count!). I believe that behind the pain, the tears, the sorrow - the real me is patiently waiting to emerge - wiser, stronger and more appreciative of everything. It's because I know I am "in there somewhere" that I choose to feel my pain in the present - without wallowing in it. I am not my pain. I am just allowing it to flow through me so I can release it from my body and soul.
Hugs to all. This is not easy!!
Marie71 said
May 7, 2017
Bethany, oh how I can relate. My marriage was never 'great' but I do miss the man who could make me laugh, I miss coffee in the morning on the steps as we watched the dog roam the yard. I hate going to bed and waking up alone everyday after 20+ years of marriage until the alcohol took over. (we are separated now 2+ yrs) Some days these feelings are compounded as I live with a couple who have a great marriage, who do things together, everything I wish my marriage could have been. Some days I have my own pity party..I wonder...is this how my life is going to be for the rest of my life? I keep hearing let it go and give it to my HP. But some days the feelings are just overwhelming when you are stuck home because you have no money to do much of anything while you watch everyone around you live the life you wish you had. I am trying so hard to practice acceptance...but some days I fail. So I get it, I understand.
I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my partner. I miss spending time together. I miss sleeping together in the same bed at the same time. I miss the life I thought we would have after 22 years of marriage. I am having to face up and keep my boundaries and start going places without him. I am going to have to find a way to let go of this resentment and anger and sorrow. I am going to have to face up to my own part in this dance. It is getting worse, as I have always known it would. Progressive disease, downward slope. The man who never lied, never cheated and everyone looked up to as a man of integrity is now hiding, lying, and protecting his drink above all else. And I feel like a fraud myself.
I have been attending Al-Anon for over 2 years. 2 YEARS!! And I have not asked anyone to be my sponsor. Yesterday, a woman in my group with MANY years of program said something so honest that I knew I had to ask her to be my sponsor. She said what I have thought so many times. She said she was so glad her husbands sobriety did not rely on her because she didn't' want him to go to AA at first. She just wanted him to drink responsibly. We live in a beautiful wine region and all their friends drank and she did too. She thought if he went to AA their entire lives would be turned upside down and she didn't want that. She just wanted him to drink socially, a few glasses of wine like everyone else. But he couldn't stop once he started and it was making a mess of their lives. So she got out of they way. They got a new life that was amazing. They kept some of the old friends, but not all and they gained a new group that was there to support them through good and bad. It all turned out the way it should when she got to Al-Anon and got out of his way.
Except for my husband getting to AA, those are my fears as well. I have thought those very same thoughts over and over. Why can't he just be normal. Why does he have to drink bottles and bottles?
It is hard to be kind, compassionate and sympathetic. It is hard to show respect and not be snide. It is hard to keep a good tone and to look him in the eye right now. It is hard to include him in plans. It is hard to go to work and focus on my job. It is hard to imagine how things will play out and impossible to think they will end well.
So I am sad. And I am rambling.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Time to end the pity-party and move on.
With you in support, letting go of the fantasy is so difficult at times, .. I didn't even have a fantasy to hold on to in my situation it just was a project of survival.
As far as the pity party .. don't let the glue set on the pity pot :) and you will be fine. I have had the moments of wanting to rail why me .. and sometimes it comes to a point of why not me .. some situations they are what they are no matter how I want to remake them.
Good on you for getting the courage to ask someone for sponsorship .. when the student is ready the teacher will come I heard that here :)
Now comes the fun .. this is where the real healing starts to happen and it is exciting as well as terrifying because sometimes it will be sad .. sometimes it will be happy and sometimes it will be scary and sometimes those little lights that come on are such welcome relief.
Big hugs and just keep doing you .. you are right where you are suppose to be even if it feels uncomfortable .. keep moving forward. :)
My hope is that by sharing it here, you found a bit of relief. My other hope is that you feel the hugs, support and prayers I'm sending your way! Take care of you....just you - just for today...
Bethany66 my heart goes out to you. You just posted my feelings TODAY!
I couldn't even imagine 22 years of marriage and having to come to that reality. So heartbreaking. I was only 1 1/2 years in. I feel the same way you do "I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my partner. I miss spending time together. I miss sleeping together in the same bed at the same time. I miss the life I thought we would have". We had plans, we had dreams. And in my situation they are all gone. I too had the exact same reaction you did. My fear is he would join AA and EVERYTHING would change. Including his feelings for me. I know it sounds selfish. I never NOT encouraged him to go. I always supported his decision, but I also thought "Why does he drink so much, why, why, why." Why "can't he know his limits. Like he tries to pretend he can as he hides his addiction to the world.
I am SO angry. Angry at myself. I am so sad. Sad I lost a great friend and partner. But I know I can't be with him. His lying, cheating and drinking have spiraled and he doesn't even care anymore. I hope you can find some peace. I am looking for mine. It really helps with forums like this, because I don't have a lot of friends that know and I'm sure they are tired of me and my depressed self. Especially in the middle of the day when all the feelings hit me like a freight train.
If you ever want to chat please message me. I would love to chat.
The above is a work in progress, of course. It's something I have to constantly remind myself when I have a wave of painful emotions (today I've had too many to count!). I believe that behind the pain, the tears, the sorrow - the real me is patiently waiting to emerge - wiser, stronger and more appreciative of everything. It's because I know I am "in there somewhere" that I choose to feel my pain in the present - without wallowing in it. I am not my pain. I am just allowing it to flow through me so I can release it from my body and soul.
Hugs to all. This is not easy!!