I've been on this forum quite a few times. I appreciate all the support people have given me in making whatever decision I have made. What brought me to this forum was because I found out my now xab was cheating online. Going on dating web sites etc. Fast forward to now, and I think of how things have not changed. Except for his drinking. It has increased. So much so that he got another DUI last weekend. I think of how many times I stood beside him. How I kept going back, hoping his behavior would change. In the end I'm right back were I started. Found more messages to a woman he was making plans to be with (all the while he's living with me). I had been letting him live in my home rent free because his divorce bled him dry. He helped with food and paid when we went out, but regardless I understood his money situation. So fast forward and his divorce is final and he gets a settlement. He bought a place "for retirement" about 120 miles away, and the entire time he's going through this, I'm thinking where do "we" fit in? He kept saying "It's for us. We'll just go up on the weekends and vacations." So now he's got a mortgage and STILL living with me rent free.....WTH was I thinking?
Now with this, I guess would be 6-7 DUI (I don't know how many in a time span), he's looking at HIGH fines, jail time etc. He said he is scared he is going to loose it all.....uhhhh yup, because these are the decisions that YOU made.
All this drama mixed with the drinking, and cheating drove me to pack up his crap and load it up in his car. I have told him DO NOT CONTACT ME. And through all this I feel so much betrayal. I feel used, and thrown to the side like trash so he can start up something new with someone else who doesn't know all his dirty secrets (at least for now). Not to mention the countless women I read about that he has invited up there for "fun". Talk about a kick in the gut! I trusted him, even when I had my suspicions. I tried to remind myself if I had to check up on him then the relationship wasn't worth saving, so I didn't for a long time. Now, I feel so used.
I am seeing a therapist. I'm just trying to work out these feelings. Two years meant nothing. The words meant nothing. I feel like I was nothing in that so called relationship. It was all a front because he didn't want to be alone.
Going to look up Al-anon meetings for this weekend, but I'm just trying to make it through the day.
Thanks for reading.
SerenityRUS said
May 4, 2017
Hugs SC,
I really don't like to look at my time with my XAH as "wasted" time .. the only thing I wish I had done was leave sooner when I was pregnant with my youngest. Do I feel it was wasted? Not really because I learned a LOT and it opened my mind to many different things as well as my own short comings.
The marriage dance of dysfunction was pretty close to what you described .. dating site/s, cheating, drinking, drugging .. as devastating as it was it gave me something more. So I really encourage you to look at what you took away from the experience .. you know I hear you must have loved him you had children with him .. if I really am honest .. I loved him to my understanding of what love was to me at the time and it was an incredibly limited definition of love which that was horribly sadder than anything else. Did I love him .. he was my obsession to fix because if I fixed him I wasn't broken. That's crazy thinking on my part.
I was thinking today about what love means to me. I am in a new relationship (new is anything less than 3 years .. LOL, this has been a few months) and what I see different is in this relationship I am valued, I can give and I can receive. I am able to take risks that I couldn't before and I am grateful for that opportunity to do so.
This behavior of your X's .. it has been my experience and as weird as this is going to sound .. my X's behavior was NOT about me .. it was all about the disease and I believe he loved me to the best of his ability and it's my opinion/experience he has less knowledge of what love is than I did at the time so what he gave me were crumbs that because I was so emotionally starved I gobbled up and was still starving .. I thought I had a meal because of the lack of emotional exchange. I had to stop taking what he did during our marriage personally and I even have to do so more now because we have kids involved .. not to take what he does currently on a personal level.
My encouragement for you is to take what was positive (I got two beautiful kids out of the deal as well as some painful lessons that have helped me grow emotionally in ways I have always been stunted because it was not an accident I picked him). If it really was all negative .. my friend it sounds like there is some work to be done .. you can't do differently until you know to do differently .. so take the lesson and parlay that into something healing and something that you benefit from for your own best growth. That is where Alanon can help .. it moved me forward even when I got dragged a couple of times.
Hugs S :)
Keep coming back .. short term pain for long term gain .. the hurt doesn't last forever.
Thankfully we didn't have any kids. Although the entire time in the relationship was not bad. There were definitely good times, which is why I stayed. Like I mentioned behind my back he was conversating with these women (consistently). Which makes me take a second look at the relationship. I have always read that an alcoholics actions have nothing to do with me. STILL it's hard not to take anything personal. Right now I just need to get my mind right, and move forward. For the last few months it hasn't been love, it's been more of guilt and compassion for him. It's hard to explain. He really did do me a favor. I think this was God's way of getting me out of his tornado of a life. It's just a tough pill to swallow.
2HP said
May 4, 2017
"Two years meant nothing."
Is that true? I so understand your feelings of feeling tossed away like garbage, I felt that way too after divorce. I'd like to suggest that the time it took is NOT a waste, my personal experience is that it took as long as it took.... and in my case, over 20 years for ME to learn what I needed to learn about ME... so I wouldn't have to continue walking around in error.
we are on God's time, no worries. I could forgive myself when I understood why I chose it in the first place and feel nothing but compassion now.
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and adding on more meetings for extra support, this plan was a basic necessity for my self-care as well.
the Higher Power loves you, my friend. You are cherished beyond measure. It's going to be okay, you'll see (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 4th of May 2017 11:55:50 AM
2HP said
May 4, 2017
I relate to the back and forth, back and forth. It's possible you are still not "done" with him and that's okay, I get that. Like an addict, we're done when we're done and not a moment sooner.
I had to chime in on his behavior, it's possible he may have more than one addiction, could he be a sex addict?
If that is the case, it's about the selfish, self-seeking use of people. I had this experience and you are correct, it is NOT personal. Still I had the CHOICE about whether or not I'd allow myself to be used.
Thank you for your input. These past two years have been a complete roller coaster. At this moment I can't even tell you if they did mean anything, because all I see is the lies. I am trying to take this time to see what I was looking for and needed that caused me to accept and stay in a relationship so toxic. It's extremely hurtful.
Anything is possible in this world, but I am choosing to make this split the final. I have been strong. I haven't responded to a text yesterday or an email. I think he got the hint when I told him that I wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, and DO NOT CONTACT ME! I have to stick to my guns. His behavior will NEVER change, so I need to change MY behavior. I understand that now.
And YES, "it's possible he may have more than one addiction, could he be a sex addict?" I believe he is. Anything, Anyway for him to get attention.
While I was packing his stuff in the middle of the night I found a bottle of erection pills in his center console. I poured them all out. OOPS, did I do that?
Thank you for sharing. I SO appreciate your words (with tears in my eyes).
shrnp said
May 4, 2017
Hello starcatcher,
I had a similar experience with my A ex-bf. He lived with me and was chatting with women online at night when I was asleep. We stopped living together and I found out he had started seeing other women even though we were still a couple. One woman actually fell in love with him, I found a note she left for him in his bedroom. It was really crazy. I found erection supplements too on top of his refrigerator. I finally decided that he had no conscious when it came to fidelity. He really needed that stimuli, it was just like needing to find the perfect high. Of course they never find it. They do not treat the next woman any better. They just find a replacement and treat that person the same way. I found it funny that here was this man who could barely stand up and walk at night thinking he was sexy. It has nothing to do with you. It will hurt for a little while but Alanon has really helped me a lot.
Thankfully we didn't have any kids. Although the entire time in the relationship was not bad. There were definitely good times, which is why I stayed. Like I mentioned behind my back he was conversating with these women (consistently). Which makes me take a second look at the relationship. I have always read that an alcoholics actions have nothing to do with me. STILL it's hard not to take anything personal. Right now I just need to get my mind right, and move forward. For the last few months it hasn't been love, it's been more of guilt and compassion for him. It's hard to explain. He really did do me a favor. I think this was God's way of getting me out of his tornado of a life. It's just a tough pill to swallow.
I think what I go back to though is he's an active alcoholic .. what did you expect? His behavior is a direct reflection of his diseased thinking. You are asking a man who is emotionally unavailable to be available. Why do you believe he could be different for you? That's something to think about in terms of why are you so different that he would not behavior like an active alcoholic? I remember thinking in my mind my X only lied to ME .. I was that special he told EVERYONE else the truth .. it was just ME he lied to .. holy moly I had a warped thought process happening .. as it turns out .. DUH .. he lied to everyone because he was only doing what active A's do.
Someone here described addiction as being mesh netting .. can you imagine being covered in that mesh netting and trying to do simple things pick up a pencil? I am not justifying or defending the behavior because while yes he has a disease he's still responsible for his choices and consequences (that was another thing I think I read in a book or here .. I can't remember). That was from a recovering woman at the time. My point is all of that mesh netting who can see the difference between the lying and the truth?
I lived with the false thinking that if he loved me back and if I could "make" him well I wasn't broken. Then the false sense of responsibility of if I don't "take care" of him who will .. you know I don't mean this in a hateful way .. addiction is akin to a cockroach .. nuclear war will not destroy addiction it takes some thing spiritual to do so .. which is the weirdest thing because you don't even have to believe in a higher power for it to work. It's beyond the cockroach decimation.
My point is of course it feels raw and personal because it feels like my X did those things TO me .. the reality is he did them to himself .. I (and the kids) just happened to be collateral damage. Cheating is a very hurtful thing and it feels very personal .. him cheating on me is about his low self esteem .. it's not about what I didn't lack .. it was his shortcomings not mine that was reflected .. my responses were about my shortcomings .. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It took me finding MY self esteem, self worth, confidence, learning to love myself, be at peace with myself for me to understand and it was a situation that time takes time .. it is a process to heal.
PS - I do not like my XAH .. I make no secret of that .. it doesn't make him a bad person .. It's my feeling that drinking or not drinking .. my XAH happens to be an a$$ .. my experiences with him have shaped that reality.
At least though I am less angry (at times until I fork out 200$ for college misc expenses .. LOL) moving forward than I used to be and I cut myself some slack because these are perfectly normal healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. I can drive myself crazy with my own misery or I can heal .. those are my two choices given the situation .. he can't rewrite the past and undo the cheating and I can't go back with a download of the current future .. so do I wallow in my own misery or move forward?
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
May 4, 2017
(((Hugs))) - so sorry that you are struggling to forgive yourself. I am happy to hear you plan to seek out and attend meetings. I also know when one is hurting, getting through one day is so very, very difficult. My hope is you can lean into recovery and find your place and your value.
How he is, how he acts, how he treats you is truly not about you. It's about him - all about him. Al-Anon recovery will suit you well in understanding more about you and how to heal.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. The should have, could have, why didn't I thought process is maddening - if possible, get to a meeting sooner and/or do something just for you - read a book, take a walk, anything to remind you that you matter! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
starcatcher2 said
May 4, 2017
shrnp wrote:
Hello starcatcher, I had a similar experience with my A ex-bf. He lived with me and was chatting with women online at night when I was asleep. We stopped living together and I found out he had started seeing other women even though we were still a couple. One woman actually fell in love with him, I found a note she left for him in his bedroom. It was really crazy. I found erection supplements too on top of his refrigerator. I finally decided that he had no conscious when it came to fidelity. He really needed that stimuli, it was just like needing to find the perfect high. Of course they never find it. They do not treat the next woman any better. They just find a replacement and treat that person the same way. I found it funny that here was this man who could barely stand up and walk at night thinking he was sexy. It has nothing to do with you. It will hurt for a little while but Alanon has really helped me a lot.
Thank you shrimp,
Wow, the sound a lot alike. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm looking forward to the day when his actions don't bother me at all. I've still got work to do.
Thankfully we didn't have any kids. Although the entire time in the relationship was not bad. There were definitely good times, which is why I stayed. Like I mentioned behind my back he was conversating with these women (consistently). Which makes me take a second look at the relationship. I have always read that an alcoholics actions have nothing to do with me. STILL it's hard not to take anything personal. Right now I just need to get my mind right, and move forward. For the last few months it hasn't been love, it's been more of guilt and compassion for him. It's hard to explain. He really did do me a favor. I think this was God's way of getting me out of his tornado of a life. It's just a tough pill to swallow.
I think what I go back to though is he's an active alcoholic .. what did you expect? His behavior is a direct reflection of his diseased thinking. You are asking a man who is emotionally unavailable to be available. Why do you believe he could be different for you? That's something to think about in terms of why are you so different that he would not behavior like an active alcoholic? I remember thinking in my mind my X only lied to ME .. I was that special he told EVERYONE else the truth .. it was just ME he lied to .. holy moly I had a warped thought process happening .. as it turns out .. DUH .. he lied to everyone because he was only doing what active A's do.
Someone here described addiction as being mesh netting .. can you imagine being covered in that mesh netting and trying to do simple things pick up a pencil? I am not justifying or defending the behavior because while yes he has a disease he's still responsible for his choices and consequences (that was another thing I think I read in a book or here .. I can't remember). That was from a recovering woman at the time. My point is all of that mesh netting who can see the difference between the lying and the truth?
I lived with the false thinking that if he loved me back and if I could "make" him well I wasn't broken. Then the false sense of responsibility of if I don't "take care" of him who will .. you know I don't mean this in a hateful way .. addiction is akin to a cockroach .. nuclear war will not destroy addiction it takes some thing spiritual to do so .. which is the weirdest thing because you don't even have to believe in a higher power for it to work. It's beyond the cockroach decimation.
My point is of course it feels raw and personal because it feels like my X did those things TO me .. the reality is he did them to himself .. I (and the kids) just happened to be collateral damage. Cheating is a very hurtful thing and it feels very personal .. him cheating on me is about his low self esteem .. it's not about what I didn't lack .. it was his shortcomings not mine that was reflected .. my responses were about my shortcomings .. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It took me finding MY self esteem, self worth, confidence, learning to love myself, be at peace with myself for me to understand and it was a situation that time takes time .. it is a process to heal.
PS - I do not like my XAH .. I make no secret of that .. it doesn't make him a bad person .. It's my feeling that drinking or not drinking .. my XAH happens to be an a$$ .. my experiences with him have shaped that reality.
At least though I am less angry (at times until I fork out 200$ for college misc expenses .. LOL) moving forward than I used to be and I cut myself some slack because these are perfectly normal healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. I can drive myself crazy with my own misery or I can heal .. those are my two choices given the situation .. he can't rewrite the past and undo the cheating and I can't go back with a download of the current future .. so do I wallow in my own misery or move forward?
Hugs S :)
I so appreciate your comment. And I'm sure, as with many people here, we "hoped" we could be that changing factor. That they would see the light, and make the change. Check he's going to be in his mind 50's, he's been drinking since he was 12, aren't you tired of the drinking, and the realization after your binge? Nope, his answer, I miss the buzz. I'll be honest, I may or may not have stuck it out with the drinking. I don't know, but the cheating. Never going to happen. I won't. As much as I miss him, at this moment I can not go back. First time, shame on you, second time shame on me. I hope he gets what he needs out there. Because he wont be getting it here. Thanks so much!
starcatcher2 said
May 4, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
(((Hugs))) - so sorry that you are struggling to forgive yourself. I am happy to hear you plan to seek out and attend meetings. I also know when one is hurting, getting through one day is so very, very difficult. My hope is you can lean into recovery and find your place and your value.
How he is, how he acts, how he treats you is truly not about you. It's about him - all about him. Al-Anon recovery will suit you well in understanding more about you and how to heal.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. The should have, could have, why didn't I thought process is maddening - if possible, get to a meeting sooner and/or do something just for you - read a book, take a walk, anything to remind you that you matter! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Hi Iamhere,
I am trying my best to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me. It's hard to not look at yourself and think "What did I do to deserve this. I wasn't good enough? I didn't do enough?" I'm working on me. One day I'll get there.....one day at a time.
shrnp said
May 4, 2017
You are not alone starcatcher, it is nice to talk or chat with people who want to get help, and live a different lifestyle. I know a lot of people who do not seek a program like Alanon and deal with their addicted partners or families all by themselves. I do not see them to much anymore, for me I had to change my people, places, and things just like I did when I was recovering from addiction myself. It did not happen overnight, you definitely have to take things one day at a time.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 4th of May 2017 10:11:15 PM
texas yankee said
May 4, 2017
There are many broken relationships in the world, and lots of people suffering - many of them feel trapped, and many of them are paralyzed by indecision - they're doomed to continue going nowhere - BUT, reading your post, it sounds to me like you're beginning to see things clearly, for what they are, with some understandable regrets for not seeing those things sooner and not doing "something" before now - but you're doing something now, and by figuring out your go-forward path instead of just doing something, by seeking ESH from others that are a bit further down the road than you are, and by doing the work to fix yourself, you'll make real progress, versus just ending up in another, similar situation - we've all heard that thing they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue reaching out, take care of YOU, and take plenty of time to keep asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out - if you think that you have it all figured out and you're ready to move forward on your own, go back to asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out.
Stay strong!
starcatcher2 said
May 4, 2017
texas yankee wrote:
There are many broken relationships in the world, and lots of people suffering - many of them feel trapped, and many of them are paralyzed by indecision - they're doomed to continue going nowhere - BUT, reading your post, it sounds to me like you're beginning to see things clearly, for what they are, with some understandable regrets for not seeing those things sooner and not doing "something" before now - but you're doing something now, and by figuring out your go-forward path instead of just doing something, by seeking ESH from others that are a bit further down the road than you are, and by doing the work to fix yourself, you'll make real progress, versus just ending up in another, similar situation - we've all heard that thing they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue reaching out, take care of YOU, and take plenty of time to keep asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out - if you think that you have it all figured out and you're ready to move forward on your own, go back to asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out.
Stay strong!
Hi Texas Yankee,
I agree with everything you said. When he went on his last binge and got the DUI, he started talking about all these things that could possibly happen, and not one of them included "us". It was like he was already planning on leaving because he would need to stay closer to work (no license...again), having to do swap (because he would need to do weekends blah, blah, blah tons of excuses, tons of BS. I'm sitting there looking at him like he's got something else going on. So yup, that's when I found the messages. That was the last straw. It changed my complete view of him. The year and a half that I spent "having his back", was actually me enabling him. Now, I can't enable him.....he's stuck so I'm not needed. He'll move on to the next person, who I'm sure will treat the exact same way. I have to remember that quote " Doing the same thing, and expect different results." I talk to God daily. I know he has a better path for me. I believe he took me off the previous path for a reason. He didn't want me to be involved in that tornado.
Thank you again for your reply.
starcatcher2 said
May 5, 2017
The last text I received from him (Wed) said that he left the pink slip to his car that is dead, and I can just "give it away". I read the text and thought, great, now I'm responsible for a car that is NOT EVEN MINE. Any other situation I would just ignore it (if it was parked on the street or some public area), but I live in a condo and it's parked in my visitor parking which means that I AM RESPONSIBLE. Of course I tried to call a wrecking yard and he has to be there when they pick it up since he is the registered owner. So I texted him telling him that I should not be responsible for HIS car, and he needs to contact them and be there when they come and pick it up. Of course I haven't received a reply. So lovely what I am left holding when he stirred the pot. Unbelievable......but I believe it.
milkwood said
May 5, 2017
((((((Starcatcher))))))
I'm so pleased that you 'spilt' that bottle of erection pills!!
And I'm sorry you've been mistreated - I remember it amazed me that I had allowed that to happen to me. Oh, I gave myself such a hard time about it! For a while my husband didn't need to abuse me, I was doing it to myself!!
I remember one day thinking 'it is my self-esteem that matters. That is most precious to me.' And I promised to take good care of myself. I started to think back and remember who I was. I experimented with what I was capable of whilst still gifting myself rest and a bit of fun. I learnt to spoil myself a bit. And I have been learning to be honest enough to say 'no, I have a boundary that you need to respect'.
I think I now know myself better than I ever have before. I am a stronger person as a result of walking through those bad experiences - and in a strange way I wouldn't go back and change them now, although I wish that they hadn't happened!
I found out that I can value myself and the feeling that gives me as I type this out is empowering.
As you say in your footer, may your path be bright. ((((Hugs))))
starcatcher2 said
May 5, 2017
milkwood wrote:
((((((Starcatcher))))))
I'm so pleased that you 'spilt' that bottle of erection pills!!
And I'm sorry you've been mistreated - I remember it amazed me that I had allowed that to happen to me. Oh, I gave myself such a hard time about it! For a while my husband didn't need to abuse me, I was doing it to myself!!
I remember one day thinking 'it is my self-esteem that matters. That is most precious to me.' And I promised to take good care of myself. I started to think back and remember who I was. I experimented with what I was capable of whilst still gifting myself rest and a bit of fun. I learnt to spoil myself a bit. And I have been learning to be honest enough to say 'no, I have a boundary that you need to respect'.
I think I now know myself better than I ever have before. I am a stronger person as a result of walking through those bad experiences - and in a strange way I wouldn't go back and change them now, although I wish that they hadn't happened!
I found out that I can value myself and the feeling that gives me as I type this out is empowering.
As you say in your footer, may your path be bright. ((((Hugs))))
Hi Milkwood,
I sure did "spilt"them. Me and my clumsy self HAHA.
I can understand it when you say you wouldn't go back and change them. Because when I look back I see what I needed and what I didn't receive.
I haven't had an easy life, even prior to meeting him, but I can't complain. I have been lucky in life too, so I am looking at this as yet another obstacle that I can overcome. I just need to stand my ground. I have gone back and read all my previous posts (months ago) and responses on this site, and I see a person who is so addicted to the addict that they can't even find it in themselves to appreciate "myself". I know I have so much love and compassion for people, but I rarely feel it back. It's not like I am starving for affection.....it's hard to explain. I just need to be heard and validated. I can't get that from an addict.
Sometimes I feel like I can go on and on about my feelings, but I have nobody who understands, and I don't want everyone to know my business. Even though there are some people that don't judge, many do. So I talk to myself. The best place is in the car. Then people just think I am talking on my blue tooth! LOL
I've had a few meltdowns today. I'm trying to muster through it. Mostly feelings of "Why"? But as we know, with addicts we usually don't get closure. So I just have to move on.
Thank you for sharing!
Mattie said
May 5, 2017
I would think that the city would be responsible for ticketing and towing a car that isn't yours but that is in your space. After all, if a stranger had parked in your space and abandoned their car there, it wouldn't be your responsibility to figure out whose car it is and to track them down. In my town, the city will impound any car that has been parked illegally or wrongly. Hope you can find a good solution and get him and his car out of your hair soon.
starcatcher2 said
May 5, 2017
Mattie wrote:
I would think that the city would be responsible for ticketing and towing a car that isn't yours but that is in your space. After all, if a stranger had parked in your space and abandoned their car there, it wouldn't be your responsibility to figure out whose car it is and to track them down. In my town, the city will impound any car that has been parked illegally or wrongly. Hope you can find a good solution and get him and his car out of your hair soon.
Unfortunately it's private property. So the city won't come and tow it (I've been through it with the HOA on previous parked cars).
Iamhere said
May 6, 2017
I do believe even on private property if you call and report an abandoned car in your visitor parking, it will be towed....owner searched for and problem solved. In my world, I often found that I had to 'act as if....' I did not know them or they were not my relative. I would not tolerate anyone else taking advantage of me, so why my qualifier?
If the police will not tow it, the property will. I've had this done at my house with cars my boys have left behind.
starcatcher2 said
May 6, 2017
Last night I went and dropped off the last of his belongings to his parents house. There he was passed out on their couch. Drunk....for the last 2 days. They are at their wits end. His parents told me how much they loved me, and how sorry they were. I went over and woke him up, but as everyone knows a conversation with a drunk is completely unproductive. He cried and, told me how much he hated his life, how he hated what he did to me. I cried as I walked out the door, with him calling my name. I told his Dad I couldn't talk to him, I had nothing to say. Broken, but I went to an al anon meeting last night. My heart was so broken, and my head was not there. I can't even remember what they were taking about. I'll try again tomorrow. For now I just need to be.
Hello Everyone,
I've been on this forum quite a few times. I appreciate all the support people have given me in making whatever decision I have made. What brought me to this forum was because I found out my now xab was cheating online. Going on dating web sites etc. Fast forward to now, and I think of how things have not changed. Except for his drinking. It has increased. So much so that he got another DUI last weekend. I think of how many times I stood beside him. How I kept going back, hoping his behavior would change. In the end I'm right back were I started. Found more messages to a woman he was making plans to be with (all the while he's living with me). I had been letting him live in my home rent free because his divorce bled him dry. He helped with food and paid when we went out, but regardless I understood his money situation. So fast forward and his divorce is final and he gets a settlement. He bought a place "for retirement" about 120 miles away, and the entire time he's going through this, I'm thinking where do "we" fit in? He kept saying "It's for us. We'll just go up on the weekends and vacations." So now he's got a mortgage and STILL living with me rent free.....WTH was I thinking?
Now with this, I guess would be 6-7 DUI (I don't know how many in a time span), he's looking at HIGH fines, jail time etc. He said he is scared he is going to loose it all.....uhhhh yup, because these are the decisions that YOU made.
All this drama mixed with the drinking, and cheating drove me to pack up his crap and load it up in his car. I have told him DO NOT CONTACT ME. And through all this I feel so much betrayal. I feel used, and thrown to the side like trash so he can start up something new with someone else who doesn't know all his dirty secrets (at least for now). Not to mention the countless women I read about that he has invited up there for "fun". Talk about a kick in the gut! I trusted him, even when I had my suspicions. I tried to remind myself if I had to check up on him then the relationship wasn't worth saving, so I didn't for a long time. Now, I feel so used.
I am seeing a therapist. I'm just trying to work out these feelings. Two years meant nothing. The words meant nothing. I feel like I was nothing in that so called relationship. It was all a front because he didn't want to be alone.
Going to look up Al-anon meetings for this weekend, but I'm just trying to make it through the day.
Thanks for reading.
I really don't like to look at my time with my XAH as "wasted" time .. the only thing I wish I had done was leave sooner when I was pregnant with my youngest. Do I feel it was wasted? Not really because I learned a LOT and it opened my mind to many different things as well as my own short comings.
The marriage dance of dysfunction was pretty close to what you described .. dating site/s, cheating, drinking, drugging .. as devastating as it was it gave me something more. So I really encourage you to look at what you took away from the experience .. you know I hear you must have loved him you had children with him .. if I really am honest .. I loved him to my understanding of what love was to me at the time and it was an incredibly limited definition of love which that was horribly sadder than anything else. Did I love him .. he was my obsession to fix because if I fixed him I wasn't broken. That's crazy thinking on my part.
I was thinking today about what love means to me. I am in a new relationship (new is anything less than 3 years .. LOL, this has been a few months) and what I see different is in this relationship I am valued, I can give and I can receive. I am able to take risks that I couldn't before and I am grateful for that opportunity to do so.
This behavior of your X's .. it has been my experience and as weird as this is going to sound .. my X's behavior was NOT about me .. it was all about the disease and I believe he loved me to the best of his ability and it's my opinion/experience he has less knowledge of what love is than I did at the time so what he gave me were crumbs that because I was so emotionally starved I gobbled up and was still starving .. I thought I had a meal because of the lack of emotional exchange. I had to stop taking what he did during our marriage personally and I even have to do so more now because we have kids involved .. not to take what he does currently on a personal level.
My encouragement for you is to take what was positive (I got two beautiful kids out of the deal as well as some painful lessons that have helped me grow emotionally in ways I have always been stunted because it was not an accident I picked him). If it really was all negative .. my friend it sounds like there is some work to be done .. you can't do differently until you know to do differently .. so take the lesson and parlay that into something healing and something that you benefit from for your own best growth. That is where Alanon can help .. it moved me forward even when I got dragged a couple of times.
Hugs S :)
Keep coming back .. short term pain for long term gain .. the hurt doesn't last forever.
Hello SerenityRUS,
Thankfully we didn't have any kids. Although the entire time in the relationship was not bad. There were definitely good times, which is why I stayed. Like I mentioned behind my back he was conversating with these women (consistently). Which makes me take a second look at the relationship. I have always read that an alcoholics actions have nothing to do with me. STILL it's hard not to take anything personal. Right now I just need to get my mind right, and move forward. For the last few months it hasn't been love, it's been more of guilt and compassion for him. It's hard to explain. He really did do me a favor. I think this was God's way of getting me out of his tornado of a life. It's just a tough pill to swallow.
"Two years meant nothing."
Is that true? I so understand your feelings of feeling tossed away like garbage, I felt that way too after divorce. I'd like to suggest that the time it took is NOT a waste, my personal experience is that it took as long as it took.... and in my case, over 20 years for ME to learn what I needed to learn about ME... so I wouldn't have to continue walking around in error.
we are on God's time, no worries. I could forgive myself when I understood why I chose it in the first place and feel nothing but compassion now.
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and adding on more meetings for extra support, this plan was a basic necessity for my self-care as well.
the Higher Power loves you, my friend. You are cherished beyond measure. It's going to be okay, you'll see (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 4th of May 2017 11:55:50 AM
I had to chime in on his behavior, it's possible he may have more than one addiction, could he be a sex addict?
If that is the case, it's about the selfish, self-seeking use of people. I had this experience and you are correct, it is NOT personal. Still I had the CHOICE about whether or not I'd allow myself to be used.
Hello 2HP,
Thank you for your input. These past two years have been a complete roller coaster. At this moment I can't even tell you if they did mean anything, because all I see is the lies. I am trying to take this time to see what I was looking for and needed that caused me to accept and stay in a relationship so toxic. It's extremely hurtful.
Anything is possible in this world, but I am choosing to make this split the final. I have been strong. I haven't responded to a text yesterday or an email. I think he got the hint when I told him that I wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, and DO NOT CONTACT ME! I have to stick to my guns. His behavior will NEVER change, so I need to change MY behavior. I understand that now.
And YES, "it's possible he may have more than one addiction, could he be a sex addict?" I believe he is. Anything, Anyway for him to get attention.
While I was packing his stuff in the middle of the night I found a bottle of erection pills in his center console. I poured them all out. OOPS, did I do that?
Thank you for sharing. I SO appreciate your words (with tears in my eyes).
I had a similar experience with my A ex-bf. He lived with me and was chatting with women online at night when I was asleep. We stopped living together and I found out he had started seeing other women even though we were still a couple. One woman actually fell in love with him, I found a note she left for him in his bedroom. It was really crazy. I found erection supplements too on top of his refrigerator. I finally decided that he had no conscious when it came to fidelity. He really needed that stimuli, it was just like needing to find the perfect high. Of course they never find it. They do not treat the next woman any better. They just find a replacement and treat that person the same way. I found it funny that here was this man who could barely stand up and walk at night thinking he was sexy. It has nothing to do with you. It will hurt for a little while but Alanon has really helped me a lot.
I think what I go back to though is he's an active alcoholic .. what did you expect? His behavior is a direct reflection of his diseased thinking. You are asking a man who is emotionally unavailable to be available. Why do you believe he could be different for you? That's something to think about in terms of why are you so different that he would not behavior like an active alcoholic? I remember thinking in my mind my X only lied to ME .. I was that special he told EVERYONE else the truth .. it was just ME he lied to .. holy moly I had a warped thought process happening .. as it turns out .. DUH .. he lied to everyone because he was only doing what active A's do.
Someone here described addiction as being mesh netting .. can you imagine being covered in that mesh netting and trying to do simple things pick up a pencil? I am not justifying or defending the behavior because while yes he has a disease he's still responsible for his choices and consequences (that was another thing I think I read in a book or here .. I can't remember). That was from a recovering woman at the time. My point is all of that mesh netting who can see the difference between the lying and the truth?
I lived with the false thinking that if he loved me back and if I could "make" him well I wasn't broken. Then the false sense of responsibility of if I don't "take care" of him who will .. you know I don't mean this in a hateful way .. addiction is akin to a cockroach .. nuclear war will not destroy addiction it takes some thing spiritual to do so .. which is the weirdest thing because you don't even have to believe in a higher power for it to work. It's beyond the cockroach decimation.
My point is of course it feels raw and personal because it feels like my X did those things TO me .. the reality is he did them to himself .. I (and the kids) just happened to be collateral damage. Cheating is a very hurtful thing and it feels very personal .. him cheating on me is about his low self esteem .. it's not about what I didn't lack .. it was his shortcomings not mine that was reflected .. my responses were about my shortcomings .. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It took me finding MY self esteem, self worth, confidence, learning to love myself, be at peace with myself for me to understand and it was a situation that time takes time .. it is a process to heal.
PS - I do not like my XAH .. I make no secret of that .. it doesn't make him a bad person .. It's my feeling that drinking or not drinking .. my XAH happens to be an a$$ .. my experiences with him have shaped that reality.
At least though I am less angry (at times until I fork out 200$ for college misc expenses .. LOL) moving forward than I used to be and I cut myself some slack because these are perfectly normal healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. I can drive myself crazy with my own misery or I can heal .. those are my two choices given the situation .. he can't rewrite the past and undo the cheating and I can't go back with a download of the current future .. so do I wallow in my own misery or move forward?
Hugs S :)
How he is, how he acts, how he treats you is truly not about you. It's about him - all about him. Al-Anon recovery will suit you well in understanding more about you and how to heal.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. The should have, could have, why didn't I thought process is maddening - if possible, get to a meeting sooner and/or do something just for you - read a book, take a walk, anything to remind you that you matter! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Thank you shrimp,
Wow, the sound a lot alike. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm looking forward to the day when his actions don't bother me at all. I've still got work to do.
I so appreciate your comment. And I'm sure, as with many people here, we "hoped" we could be that changing factor. That they would see the light, and make the change. Check he's going to be in his mind 50's, he's been drinking since he was 12, aren't you tired of the drinking, and the realization after your binge? Nope, his answer, I miss the buzz. I'll be honest, I may or may not have stuck it out with the drinking. I don't know, but the cheating. Never going to happen. I won't. As much as I miss him, at this moment I can not go back. First time, shame on you, second time shame on me. I hope he gets what he needs out there. Because he wont be getting it here. Thanks so much!
Hi Iamhere,
I am trying my best to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me. It's hard to not look at yourself and think "What did I do to deserve this. I wasn't good enough? I didn't do enough?" I'm working on me. One day I'll get there.....one day at a time.
You are not alone starcatcher, it is nice to talk or chat with people who want to get help, and live a different lifestyle. I know a lot of people who do not seek a program like Alanon and deal with their addicted partners or families all by themselves. I do not see them to much anymore, for me I had to change my people, places, and things just like I did when I was recovering from addiction myself. It did not happen overnight, you definitely have to take things one day at a time.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 4th of May 2017 10:11:15 PM
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue reaching out, take care of YOU, and take plenty of time to keep asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out - if you think that you have it all figured out and you're ready to move forward on your own, go back to asking God to show you His will for you, and give you the power to carry it out.
Stay strong!
Hi Texas Yankee,
I agree with everything you said. When he went on his last binge and got the DUI, he started talking about all these things that could possibly happen, and not one of them included "us". It was like he was already planning on leaving because he would need to stay closer to work (no license...again), having to do swap (because he would need to do weekends blah, blah, blah tons of excuses, tons of BS. I'm sitting there looking at him like he's got something else going on. So yup, that's when I found the messages. That was the last straw. It changed my complete view of him. The year and a half that I spent "having his back", was actually me enabling him. Now, I can't enable him.....he's stuck so I'm not needed. He'll move on to the next person, who I'm sure will treat the exact same way. I have to remember that quote " Doing the same thing, and expect different results." I talk to God daily. I know he has a better path for me. I believe he took me off the previous path for a reason. He didn't want me to be involved in that tornado.
Thank you again for your reply.
I'm so pleased that you 'spilt' that bottle of erection pills!!
And I'm sorry you've been mistreated - I remember it amazed me that I had allowed that to happen to me. Oh, I gave myself such a hard time about it! For a while my husband didn't need to abuse me, I was doing it to myself!!
I remember one day thinking 'it is my self-esteem that matters. That is most precious to me.' And I promised to take good care of myself. I started to think back and remember who I was. I experimented with what I was capable of whilst still gifting myself rest and a bit of fun. I learnt to spoil myself a bit. And I have been learning to be honest enough to say 'no, I have a boundary that you need to respect'.
I think I now know myself better than I ever have before. I am a stronger person as a result of walking through those bad experiences - and in a strange way I wouldn't go back and change them now, although I wish that they hadn't happened!
I found out that I can value myself and the feeling that gives me as I type this out is empowering.
As you say in your footer, may your path be bright. ((((Hugs))))
Hi Milkwood,
I sure did "spilt"them. Me and my clumsy self HAHA.
I can understand it when you say you wouldn't go back and change them. Because when I look back I see what I needed and what I didn't receive.
I haven't had an easy life, even prior to meeting him, but I can't complain. I have been lucky in life too, so I am looking at this as yet another obstacle that I can overcome. I just need to stand my ground. I have gone back and read all my previous posts (months ago) and responses on this site, and I see a person who is so addicted to the addict that they can't even find it in themselves to appreciate "myself". I know I have so much love and compassion for people, but I rarely feel it back. It's not like I am starving for affection.....it's hard to explain. I just need to be heard and validated. I can't get that from an addict.
Sometimes I feel like I can go on and on about my feelings, but I have nobody who understands, and I don't want everyone to know my business. Even though there are some people that don't judge, many do. So I talk to myself. The best place is in the car. Then people just think I am talking on my blue tooth! LOL
I've had a few meltdowns today. I'm trying to muster through it. Mostly feelings of "Why"? But as we know, with addicts we usually don't get closure. So I just have to move on.
Thank you for sharing!
I would think that the city would be responsible for ticketing and towing a car that isn't yours but that is in your space. After all, if a stranger had parked in your space and abandoned their car there, it wouldn't be your responsibility to figure out whose car it is and to track them down. In my town, the city will impound any car that has been parked illegally or wrongly. Hope you can find a good solution and get him and his car out of your hair soon.
Unfortunately it's private property. So the city won't come and tow it (I've been through it with the HOA on previous parked cars).
If the police will not tow it, the property will. I've had this done at my house with cars my boys have left behind.