ABF has been going to AA 8 months now.. missing some meetings here and there. Has not been drinking anywhere close to how he drank a year ago. It is obvious he understands he is an alcoholic and has made many improvements. But I notice he is starting to drink just one day a week now. (he justifies it with a slip up
is normal) I don't argue or respond really. but I can obviously tell he has had a few. (he thinks he is hiding it with gum chewing) I know many of you feel that just having 4 drinks a month as opposed to 2 or 3 every other day is a great stride.. I can somewhat agree. But I also think it shows he is still not realllyyy ready to 100% let it go. And this can mean more lapses. Am I correct? I ask questions because I am curious. Yes I work my own program and my focus is me (which makes me feel sort of too selfish in a way, but thats another story that I will write about later)
Mattie said
May 3, 2017
Yep, you're right. If drinking some didn't lead to drinking more, he would never have gotten in this pickle in the first place.
AA is very clear on this, and they will be making it clear at every meeting. Sure, some people have lapses. But the ones who want recovery get right back on the wagon and strive not to have lapses any more. A lapse every day is not called "lapses." It is called "drinking." But my point is that you don't have to worry that he doesn't understand that lapses = danger. If he doesn't appear to understand, it's because he's choosing not to understand. AA can tell him more than non-alcoholics like you or me can. I suspect it's time for "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?" I'm sorry.
shrnp said
May 3, 2017
Hello Aerin,
Your boyfriend has not had a lot of time in sobriety compared to someone who has years of recovery. Either way, it is very risky to have a day off to drink. There are people who might be able to do that but most of them know the danger that just one drink could have. It is his choice though, you cannot do anything about it. It sounds like you have had some relief from his previous drinking behaviors. That is good, we cannot be ungrateful for what peace we may have in our lives. If we worry to much about what will happen and if someone will drink, when someone we know is straight it ruins that time. There has to be a balance of knowing we are strong enough to handle the future, and still relaxing in the present.
Iamhere said
May 4, 2017
Aerin - from an AA/recovery standpoint, he has no sobriety until/unless he goes alcohol/substance free. Having said this, the only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking. I am one who believes any effort at treating the disease is better than no effort at all. I have seen people from all walks of life, ages, stages come into AA and have immediate success. Others have continuous relapses. Still others show up under the influence. And then others switch up substances. There is no clear 'pattern' to finding sobriety success - just as in Al-Anon, each person has their own unique journey.
In my circumstance, Al-Anon gave me the courage and desire to live and plan my life in lieu of what others were/were not doing. I've done 'so good' that the shenanigans of the disease now disrupt my days and activities, which is so different than how it used to be. I feel as if I put my happiness and life on hold (BR - Before Recovery) to wait for another to get their sh!t together!!! I look back on that now and just shake my head finding gratitude that I am at a much better place. I still have high hope that my qualifiers will at some point seek recovery, yet I no longer depend on it, expect it or see my life changing drastically either way.
I have no experience beyond 12-Step recovery, but there are many schools of thought. His journey now of controlled drinking is far from unique. He may even have long term success allowing himself a 'cheat day' - others do it with food/gambling/etc. One gift Al-Anon gave me was the powerless over people, places and things - the ability to let go of how others were acting/reacting/doing/not doing. I happen to be one who is grateful for any progress made in recovery simply because my thinking BR was all about what was broken, not working, etc. I try to focus now on what is working, what has improved, etc.
My sponsor used to ask me over and over again.....how does what he is doing affecting your ability to enjoy this moment? This often stopped me in my tracks showing me that I was still focused outside of me and projecting...
Yep, you're right. If drinking some didn't lead to drinking more, he would never have gotten in this pickle in the first place.
AA is very clear on this, and they will be making it clear at every meeting. Sure, some people have lapses. But the ones who want recovery get right back on the wagon and strive not to have lapses any more. A lapse every day is not called "lapses." It is called "drinking." But my point is that you don't have to worry that he doesn't understand that lapses = danger. If he doesn't appear to understand, it's because he's choosing not to understand. AA can tell him more than non-alcoholics like you or me can. I suspect it's time for "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?" I'm sorry.
Your boyfriend has not had a lot of time in sobriety compared to someone who has years of recovery. Either way, it is very risky to have a day off to drink. There are people who might be able to do that but most of them know the danger that just one drink could have. It is his choice though, you cannot do anything about it. It sounds like you have had some relief from his previous drinking behaviors. That is good, we cannot be ungrateful for what peace we may have in our lives. If we worry to much about what will happen and if someone will drink, when someone we know is straight it ruins that time. There has to be a balance of knowing we are strong enough to handle the future, and still relaxing in the present.
In my circumstance, Al-Anon gave me the courage and desire to live and plan my life in lieu of what others were/were not doing. I've done 'so good' that the shenanigans of the disease now disrupt my days and activities, which is so different than how it used to be. I feel as if I put my happiness and life on hold (BR - Before Recovery) to wait for another to get their sh!t together!!! I look back on that now and just shake my head finding gratitude that I am at a much better place. I still have high hope that my qualifiers will at some point seek recovery, yet I no longer depend on it, expect it or see my life changing drastically either way.
I have no experience beyond 12-Step recovery, but there are many schools of thought. His journey now of controlled drinking is far from unique. He may even have long term success allowing himself a 'cheat day' - others do it with food/gambling/etc. One gift Al-Anon gave me was the powerless over people, places and things - the ability to let go of how others were acting/reacting/doing/not doing. I happen to be one who is grateful for any progress made in recovery simply because my thinking BR was all about what was broken, not working, etc. I try to focus now on what is working, what has improved, etc.
My sponsor used to ask me over and over again.....how does what he is doing affecting your ability to enjoy this moment? This often stopped me in my tracks showing me that I was still focused outside of me and projecting...