I'd like to introduce myself and summarize my story. I'm in my 50's and am married with two daughters. I grew up in a typically dysfunctional alcoholic house with a father who was violent and a mother who was clinically depressed. I loved them both very much and still do.; although, my dad passed two years ago. My dad was a sporadic AA'er who was in and out when I was a kid. He stopped drinking for good after I joined AA when I was 23. After I joined the whole family jumped on the band wagon, and it was a utopia of recovery until it wasn't. My dad started going to AA again, my sister followed six months later after I spoke to her following an incident with a married boyfriend outside our home who didn't want my sister talking to his wife, my mom started going to families anonymous and Al-Anon, and within a couple years my brother was off to his first rehab. I was super sober-man bringing the whole family to recovery. The only thing missing was the cape but my ego, self-importance, and insanity made up for any deficiencies in the costume.
Meanwhile I got married to my college sweetheart who due to her own alcoholic upbringing was not sensible enough to run for the hills. Her dad entered AA when she was a senior in high school, and her mom Al-Anon a couple years before that. As time progressed my wife was in and out of Al-Anon, now firmly in, I stayed with AA, and we both did a lot of counseling where it started to dawn on me that I was nuts.
My dad didn't drink but never really moved beyond king baby faze, and my mom was not granted parole until his death two years ago. My sister had an affair with a guy I sponsored and both went back out drinking. My brother burned up his liver and died this past December; he turned 55 on his death bed. So much for super sober-man.
Prior to my brother dying I was back at a counselor talking to her about how much of my life has been eaten up by others problems and how upset they get when I try to distance myself from those problems. Everyone seemed to live their life as they choose, yes it has ended badly for them, but I'm the only one who has taken responsibility for my recovery. I told that counselor I wasn't there to complain, I was there to stop the pattern. Then my brother went into the hospital for a couple months dying, and I stepped up as I should have. But I'm exhausted and sad.
I've got my own family, a high stress job where I work a lot of overtime, a daughter in college and one going into high school, and I'm trying to make amends to my wife, who tells me I'm a good husband and father, for years of my untreated or partially treated co-dependency and all the anger and obsession that comes with it. My mother who is 79 and has a host of untreated emotional issues has become my responsibility. The fact that she has lost her husband and son within the last two years has not made her saner. Unfortunately, taking care of her is a good fit for me. I've been doing it since I was a kid and in some ways having my dad gone makes it easier; however, being the ever untreated Al-Anoner she still likes to complain to me about him like he's still in the living room on the lazy boy. I keep telling her, um he's dead mom. Since his death, I've gone from having two daughters to three with the 79 year old one being the most dependent.
My AA sponsor is also a long time Al-Anoner, and I have gone to a few meeting myself. Obviously from my story, I qualify but I have to say that I often feel I need an Al-Al-Anon program: one that helps me not go crazy for the untreated Al-Anoner in my life.
Anyway, I will stop and thank you to anyone who has read such a long post from a Newbie. I understand that this is an Al-Anon board, and will do my best to keep AA out of it as I only wanted to include it as part of my story. Also, John Brady is not my real name so I hope I'm within the rules of breaking others anonymity. If not please correct me as I'm new to forum recovery.
Thank you for allowing me to share part of my story.
SerenityRUS said
May 3, 2017
Welcome JB .. lol .. or whatever your alterego name is or isn't. :)
I think it's totally ok to bring the AA perspective to the boards provided there is an understanding that we really are talking about two different programs from two different sides of the same coin. You are correct this is an Alanon based board.
Have you ever watched the movie Saving Mr. Banks? As far as untreated Alanon that is a FANTASTIC movie. I think what I took away was my powerlessness over other people. My mom is similar in terms of lack of responsibility, trauma from the past and the inability to move forward. Once someone is a certain age .. there is a level of acceptance that this is who they are .. you get props for even wanting to take care of her which I think is fantastic. My ability to change is directly related to my willingness to accept my part in any given situation. I can only love and accept others where they are at. I have a limited relationship because I lack the tools to cope with her neediness it pushes me in ways I just don't want to deal. My mom also doesn't get that I am still currently raising two kids .. one is off to college and the other is getting ready for the 8th grade.
I really would suggest meetings, steps and sponsorship from the Alanon perspective of the disease. Something I feel that you would benefit from if I can be so bold are speakers .. there are a ton of great Alanon speakers that are very old Alanon that really put things into perspective.
It has taken me a while to realize I don't have to be perfect in what I do because I am built perfectly imperfect and Alanon has taught me not to be more accepting of others .. to be more accepting of myself first. To drop the super cape and all of the falseness of pretense that I built with that ideology.
Keep coming back because I think for some people it helps to integrate those two sides of the coin to really feel whole. I attended open AA meetings and what I got from them that I didn't from Alanon was it taught me to grow up and be at least more adult like .. it took me longer to benefit from Alanon in the same way. There is such value from both sides of the program though so I'm really glad you are here.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
May 3, 2017
Welcome John It certainly sounds as if you will find a chair in alanon meetings. Glad that you found us and shared with such clarity an honesty. Best news is that you are not alone and there is hope.
I am sorry to read of the loss ouf your brother and can identify as I lost my son to this disease 10 years ago. Alanon saved my sanity. Please do keep coming back
Enigmatic said
May 3, 2017
Welcome John, so glad you reached out. The cost of alcohol in lives and pain is immeasurable, but immense. AlAnon has been a source of insight and guidance that has proved immensely beneficial in my life, I hope you find value and utility in it.
Glad you're here, look forward to having you with us on the journey
Iamhere said
May 4, 2017
Welcome JB - glad you found us and glad that you shared! I am also a double winner (AA & Al-Anon).....we do try to keep the focus on the Al-Anon side and I do understand that it's hard to tell your story without a mention....the disease has woven into the core of my family as well and is far-reaching.
I do see you as a loving son and am so sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. I too agree that Al-Anon could serve you well....I started in the other side of the program and came to Al-Anon much later. I struggled for a while trying to 'work them both' and simplified as best I could. You will find your way - sounds as if you've got a good sponsor which should serve you well.
Keep coming back and know that there is always help and hope in recovery! You are not alone!
John Brady said
May 8, 2017
Thank you for your wonderful replies. SerentityRUS, I appreciate your thoughts with your mother and your AA/Alanon perspective. I have not seen the movie Savings Mr Banks, but will certainly add it to my list. I am going to make an attempt to work some Alanon meetings into my life. I've always felt Alanon applied to me from the perspective of how I grew up and my brother's active alcoholism. However, his death has brought things more home in that there's no escaping this new reality. I'm picking my mother up from the airport this Friday with my daughters as she is a snowbird. I think I'm going to be easy with myself and acknowledge that I'm grieving too. Thank you all for your welcoming. It is very nice.
Iamhere said
May 8, 2017
Keep coming back JB - Al-Anon added more to my AA program that I even knew I would gain.....hope your experience is awesome as well!
a4l said
May 8, 2017
Welcome. I need both of these programs. And can relate to the honest share. Keep coming back.
I'd like to introduce myself and summarize my story. I'm in my 50's and am married with two daughters. I grew up in a typically dysfunctional alcoholic house with a father who was violent and a mother who was clinically depressed. I loved them both very much and still do.; although, my dad passed two years ago. My dad was a sporadic AA'er who was in and out when I was a kid. He stopped drinking for good after I joined AA when I was 23. After I joined the whole family jumped on the band wagon, and it was a utopia of recovery until it wasn't. My dad started going to AA again, my sister followed six months later after I spoke to her following an incident with a married boyfriend outside our home who didn't want my sister talking to his wife, my mom started going to families anonymous and Al-Anon, and within a couple years my brother was off to his first rehab. I was super sober-man bringing the whole family to recovery. The only thing missing was the cape but my ego, self-importance, and insanity made up for any deficiencies in the costume.
Meanwhile I got married to my college sweetheart who due to her own alcoholic upbringing was not sensible enough to run for the hills. Her dad entered AA when she was a senior in high school, and her mom Al-Anon a couple years before that. As time progressed my wife was in and out of Al-Anon, now firmly in, I stayed with AA, and we both did a lot of counseling where it started to dawn on me that I was nuts.
My dad didn't drink but never really moved beyond king baby faze, and my mom was not granted parole until his death two years ago. My sister had an affair with a guy I sponsored and both went back out drinking. My brother burned up his liver and died this past December; he turned 55 on his death bed. So much for super sober-man.
Prior to my brother dying I was back at a counselor talking to her about how much of my life has been eaten up by others problems and how upset they get when I try to distance myself from those problems. Everyone seemed to live their life as they choose, yes it has ended badly for them, but I'm the only one who has taken responsibility for my recovery. I told that counselor I wasn't there to complain, I was there to stop the pattern. Then my brother went into the hospital for a couple months dying, and I stepped up as I should have. But I'm exhausted and sad.
I've got my own family, a high stress job where I work a lot of overtime, a daughter in college and one going into high school, and I'm trying to make amends to my wife, who tells me I'm a good husband and father, for years of my untreated or partially treated co-dependency and all the anger and obsession that comes with it. My mother who is 79 and has a host of untreated emotional issues has become my responsibility. The fact that she has lost her husband and son within the last two years has not made her saner. Unfortunately, taking care of her is a good fit for me. I've been doing it since I was a kid and in some ways having my dad gone makes it easier; however, being the ever untreated Al-Anoner she still likes to complain to me about him like he's still in the living room on the lazy boy. I keep telling her, um he's dead mom. Since his death, I've gone from having two daughters to three with the 79 year old one being the most dependent.
My AA sponsor is also a long time Al-Anoner, and I have gone to a few meeting myself. Obviously from my story, I qualify but I have to say that I often feel I need an Al-Al-Anon program: one that helps me not go crazy for the untreated Al-Anoner in my life.
Anyway, I will stop and thank you to anyone who has read such a long post from a Newbie. I understand that this is an Al-Anon board, and will do my best to keep AA out of it as I only wanted to include it as part of my story. Also, John Brady is not my real name so I hope I'm within the rules of breaking others anonymity. If not please correct me as I'm new to forum recovery.
Thank you for allowing me to share part of my story.
I think it's totally ok to bring the AA perspective to the boards provided there is an understanding that we really are talking about two different programs from two different sides of the same coin. You are correct this is an Alanon based board.
Have you ever watched the movie Saving Mr. Banks? As far as untreated Alanon that is a FANTASTIC movie. I think what I took away was my powerlessness over other people. My mom is similar in terms of lack of responsibility, trauma from the past and the inability to move forward. Once someone is a certain age .. there is a level of acceptance that this is who they are .. you get props for even wanting to take care of her which I think is fantastic. My ability to change is directly related to my willingness to accept my part in any given situation. I can only love and accept others where they are at. I have a limited relationship because I lack the tools to cope with her neediness it pushes me in ways I just don't want to deal. My mom also doesn't get that I am still currently raising two kids .. one is off to college and the other is getting ready for the 8th grade.
I really would suggest meetings, steps and sponsorship from the Alanon perspective of the disease. Something I feel that you would benefit from if I can be so bold are speakers .. there are a ton of great Alanon speakers that are very old Alanon that really put things into perspective.
It has taken me a while to realize I don't have to be perfect in what I do because I am built perfectly imperfect and Alanon has taught me not to be more accepting of others .. to be more accepting of myself first. To drop the super cape and all of the falseness of pretense that I built with that ideology.
Keep coming back because I think for some people it helps to integrate those two sides of the coin to really feel whole. I attended open AA meetings and what I got from them that I didn't from Alanon was it taught me to grow up and be at least more adult like .. it took me longer to benefit from Alanon in the same way. There is such value from both sides of the program though so I'm really glad you are here.
Hugs S :)
Welcome John It certainly sounds as if you will find a chair in alanon meetings. Glad that you found us and shared with such clarity an honesty. Best news is that you are not alone and there is hope.
I am sorry to read of the loss ouf your brother and can identify as I lost my son to this disease 10 years ago. Alanon saved my sanity.
Please do keep coming back
Glad you're here, look forward to having you with us on the journey
I do see you as a loving son and am so sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. I too agree that Al-Anon could serve you well....I started in the other side of the program and came to Al-Anon much later. I struggled for a while trying to 'work them both' and simplified as best I could. You will find your way - sounds as if you've got a good sponsor which should serve you well.
Keep coming back and know that there is always help and hope in recovery! You are not alone!