After 5 years of marriage, 'social' cocaine use seems to be more solitary crack use now and husband still says it's not a big deal...not every day. After our baby's 1st baby I hit my wall...and gave him ultimatum, left the house with baby and threatened divorce...hoping that walking away, stopping enabling, detaching would cause him to seek help.....he filed for divorce on me?!! I am devastated. We are in the midst of the divorce process which I know neither of us want...but if I go back without change I am enabling...he won't go back because he doesn't want to be controlled with an ultimatum and doesn't need rehab he says. Looking for ANYBODY that has ever been in this situation? Would appreciate your experience as I don't know anyone ever in this situation: 1. Addict/Substance Abuser gives up on the person who has cared for them and been there through thick and thin and suffered at the hands of this...devastated by this and feel confused and betrayed and an questioning did he ever love me or fall out of love with me?! 2. Going through divorce process when you both still live one another. I don't want to be divorced. I love and care for my husband and want my family together but I guess I have to go through divorce if there's ever a slight chance that it will save him?? Thanks R
Mattie said
May 3, 2017
My take on it is that we don't go through divorce to save them. Because they alone are in charge of their fates - nothing we can do or not do can make them decide to go into recovery. And statistically speaking, most of them do not go into recovery. So we shouldn't think, "If only I do thiis one thing, everything will be different." All we can go is get out of the way of their consequences, and take care of ourselves. That is to say, divorce is for us. So we no longer have to live with the lies, turmoil, chaos, and even danger that goes with addiction. They may not threaten us specifically, but as I saw in my own marriage to an addict, they can endanger the lives of our children, through neglect, through driving while impaired, and so on - even with the best of intentions.
It hurts like heck that we have to separate from someone we love. What this means is that it hurts like heck that we thought we were getting something that is no longer available. We thought we were getting an honest, loving partner who would be in the relationship with us. What addiction gives us is a dishonest partner for whom addiction always comes first, before everyone else. It is like being in a marriage with someone who is having an affair. And will not stop. Their affection is for the other person. They may say they still want us, but their actions show that they're not capable of having an adult-level relationship. We become more the mother of a toddler than the partner of a loving grown-up.
It hurts like crazy that that's all we can get, when we wanted so much more. And were promised so much more.
But that's the truth of things. Addiction is powerful and destructive. We have to get out of the way so we don't get sucked into the chaos too. It can destroy us as well. From a distance, we can often love our partner better and be kinder and less angry.
The most helpful thing anyone in your shoes can do right now, I think, is to find a good face-to-face meeting and start working the Al-Anon program. Initially we are so confused and sucked into the chaos that it's hard to know up from down. And no one should have to do this alone. When we recover, the whole dynamic changes. Things may be in store that couldn't have been predicted before - good things. I hope you'll find a meeting. Take care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 3rd of May 2017 08:08:08 AM
RosieGinger said
May 3, 2017
Thank you. It is very helpful to hear somebody that understands.
My take on it is that we don't go through divorce to save them. Because they alone are in charge of their fates - nothing we can do or not do can make them decide to go into recovery. And statistically speaking, most of them do not go into recovery. So we shouldn't think, "If only I do thiis one thing, everything will be different." All we can go is get out of the way of their consequences, and take care of ourselves. That is to say, divorce is for us. So we no longer have to live with the lies, turmoil, chaos, and even danger that goes with addiction. They may not threaten us specifically, but as I saw in my own marriage to an addict, they can endanger the lives of our children, through neglect, through driving while impaired, and so on - even with the best of intentions.
It hurts like heck that we have to separate from someone we love. What this means is that it hurts like heck that we thought we were getting something that is no longer available. We thought we were getting an honest, loving partner who would be in the relationship with us. What addiction gives us is a dishonest partner for whom addiction always comes first, before everyone else. It is like being in a marriage with someone who is having an affair. And will not stop. Their affection is for the other person. They may say they still want us, but their actions show that they're not capable of having an adult-level relationship. We become more the mother of a toddler than the partner of a loving grown-up.
It hurts like crazy that that's all we can get, when we wanted so much more. And were promised so much more.
But that's the truth of things. Addiction is powerful and destructive. We have to get out of the way so we don't get sucked into the chaos too. It can destroy us as well. From a distance, we can often love our partner better and be kinder and less angry.
The most helpful thing anyone in your shoes can do right now, I think, is to find a good face-to-face meeting and start working the Al-Anon program. Initially we are so confused and sucked into the chaos that it's hard to know up from down. And no one should have to do this alone. When we recover, the whole dynamic changes. Things may be in store that couldn't have been predicted before - good things. I hope you'll find a meeting. Take care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 3rd of May 2017 08:08:08 AM