For those of you that have followed my posts, my husband has been pretty out of control with his drinking for close to two years (shortly after the birth of our daughter) - we have had flare ups with his drinking before that but nothing this severe and he was able to pull back. This past stint has lasted since his dad was ill (fall of 2015) and eventually died and the horrible aftermath of that event. I haven't told my parents anything about this, even though we are close. My mum is a RA and in AA herself, but I just didn't want to betray my husband and tell them what was going on, because I knew it would change the way my parents feel about him a bit. I wanted to wait for some reasonable time to pass after his father's death for him to "bounce back" but that hasn't happened. I was having lunch with my mum yesterday and there was an opening in the conversation (I had already been working up to saying something), I think she asked if we were sure we would only have one child, she also knows my AH is in therapy for some reason or another. I said we were sticking with one, and eventually I told her it's was because my husband's drinking is out of control. I told my mum how he doesn't come home several nights a week, missing spending time with his daughter, and when he is home he stays up until all hours of the night alone drinking, it was a lot for her to take in but she was calm and great. I am so happy to say that alanon has already helped me so much, I didn't crumple into a ball of despair and sob over how horrible things were. I was able to talk about it calmly, and she was SO happy to hear I had found alanon. I just didn't want to talk to her before because I didn't want to feel like I was dumping everything on them, and with Alanon I feel like I don't have to do that. I feel relief she knows, she told my dad and he came by today as well to talk to me. I also feel kind of sad, like I know another threshold has been crossed where I'm stepping further away from my partner and actually voicing that I might make a change to leave the marriage if this continues. It makes it feel way more REAL, compared to when it was my secret and I can kind of deny how bad things are. I know my parents won't pressure me to make a decision, but I feel strange that I have started another path and my AH is currently unaware, and it makes me feel sad for him.
SerenityRUS said
May 2, 2017
Hugs, I am sooo glad you are reaching out for some family support and it was there. :)
Keep coming back :)
hotrod said
May 2, 2017
((Vicki)) There is a saying in Al-Anon that we are as "sick as our secrets." You have discovered how powerful it is to share honestly with someone who truly understands. Good work.
I'm also pleased that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and are able to connect. Taking actions to take care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your relationship and marriage. I found that by developing new positive tools to live by I brought new assets to all my interactions. Keep coming back here as well. It Is important to keep sharing the journey.
Iamhere said
May 3, 2017
(((Vicki))) - sending you hugs and positive energy/thoughts. I remember the discussion before and am glad you were able to say what you needed to with calm, dignity and courage. How lovely to have more support from the family - I'm a huge believer in 'more will be revealed' and your process so far lines up with a solid recovery foundation. Keep going to your meetings and keep leaning into your recovery.
I also understand the sadness - it's natural when we consider life changes that are way different than planned/desired. I recall others telling me that we really don't know what the future has in store for us and sometimes it's way better than we could ever consider! Keep doing you, one day at a time!
KT2015 said
May 3, 2017
oh Vicki sending you hugs too! I can relate to your post and I know how hard it can be to break the silence. That old saying that we are only as sick as our secrets applies here. I like how you can identify how not sharing this info with your family allowed you to deny what was happening at some level. I remember when I decided to start talking about the problems in my marriage with my mom and my close friend. I had been trying to maintain appearances and protect him at some level from other people knowing about his illness. It also allowed me to deny what was really happening too. It feels so much better to be able to talk about things with people in my life without overdoing it too. Telling people for me at some level made me let go of that hope that my AH was going to magically get better and we would live happily ever after. I found that part sad. The positive is that I have so much more support in my life. And the people I chose to share with are people who aren't pressuring me to make a decision either. They love me unconditionally and I have finally been able to see that unconditional love. I was also able to see that I didn't do such a great job of "hiding" his illness. A lot of people could see more than I thought they could. Take care of you and take it one day at a time.
Jazzie18 said
May 3, 2017
Vicki. I can relate to your post as well. I remember once I told my parents what was going on (my dad is a recovery A) it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was so relieved to no longer have to live a lie that everything was perfect. I was amazed at how supportive my parents were and I also feared that they would judge my husband but both my parents had been through it already so they had a lot of sympathy for me, my husband and our small kids. In my case, my husband hid it very well and we had isolated ourselves from friends and family so they were shocked. It was sad though too because at the time I was planning on leaving my husband if he didn't find sobriety. My mom was 100% supportive on whatever I decided to do. Luckily by the grace of god he did find sobriety a few months later. Take care of yourself and your child. Big hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way.
Lee51 said
May 4, 2017
Sorry you are having to deal with this, but hope the support of your family helps. For me it has been a great relief that I am no longer keeping my AH's drinking a secret. It took Al-Anon to help me realize that not only had I been trying to keep his drinking a secret to save him from embarrassment, I also harbored some guilt because I somehow felt I should be able to help him quit. While I'm not broadcasting that he has a problem or that I'm going to Al-Anon, I'm also not keeping it a secret. I'm working on faith that my Higher Power will help me discern the who/how/when aspect. In the meantime, I'm so very grateful for other Al-Anon members who are on this journey. Peace.
el-cee said
May 4, 2017
Good for you, it makes me think of 'When nothing changes, nothing changes' You have done something different and its scary because it may be the beginning of change for you and your family. You have reached out here, thats different, you've told your family. Don't feel guilty or bad, this is not the wrong thing and is likely the best thing for you and your daughter as well as him. Alcoholism thrives, grows, kills people when its all hidden away. I also wouldn't be too concerned about his reaction because he wants more than anything to continue undisturbed, unnoticed without any hassle and so he most likely will throw in the guilt thing, the going behind his back thing, the poor him thing. Its the disease talking. Hes in denial and this may challenge that and believe me anything that challenges the denial is a good thing for him. Keep making these changes, one day at a time and you will find you will get different results that may be difficult but will be healthier and more honest for everyone in your family.
For those of you that have followed my posts, my husband has been pretty out of control with his drinking for close to two years (shortly after the birth of our daughter) - we have had flare ups with his drinking before that but nothing this severe and he was able to pull back. This past stint has lasted since his dad was ill (fall of 2015) and eventually died and the horrible aftermath of that event. I haven't told my parents anything about this, even though we are close. My mum is a RA and in AA herself, but I just didn't want to betray my husband and tell them what was going on, because I knew it would change the way my parents feel about him a bit. I wanted to wait for some reasonable time to pass after his father's death for him to "bounce back" but that hasn't happened. I was having lunch with my mum yesterday and there was an opening in the conversation (I had already been working up to saying something), I think she asked if we were sure we would only have one child, she also knows my AH is in therapy for some reason or another. I said we were sticking with one, and eventually I told her it's was because my husband's drinking is out of control. I told my mum how he doesn't come home several nights a week, missing spending time with his daughter, and when he is home he stays up until all hours of the night alone drinking, it was a lot for her to take in but she was calm and great. I am so happy to say that alanon has already helped me so much, I didn't crumple into a ball of despair and sob over how horrible things were. I was able to talk about it calmly, and she was SO happy to hear I had found alanon. I just didn't want to talk to her before because I didn't want to feel like I was dumping everything on them, and with Alanon I feel like I don't have to do that. I feel relief she knows, she told my dad and he came by today as well to talk to me. I also feel kind of sad, like I know another threshold has been crossed where I'm stepping further away from my partner and actually voicing that I might make a change to leave the marriage if this continues. It makes it feel way more REAL, compared to when it was my secret and I can kind of deny how bad things are. I know my parents won't pressure me to make a decision, but I feel strange that I have started another path and my AH is currently unaware, and it makes me feel sad for him.
Keep coming back :)
((Vicki)) There is a saying in Al-Anon that we are as "sick as our secrets." You have discovered how powerful it is to share honestly with someone who truly understands. Good work.
I'm also pleased that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and are able to connect. Taking actions to take care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your relationship and marriage. I found that by developing new positive tools to live by I brought new assets to all my interactions.
Keep coming back here as well. It Is important to keep sharing the journey.
I also understand the sadness - it's natural when we consider life changes that are way different than planned/desired. I recall others telling me that we really don't know what the future has in store for us and sometimes it's way better than we could ever consider! Keep doing you, one day at a time!
Sorry you are having to deal with this, but hope the support of your family helps. For me it has been a great relief that I am no longer keeping my AH's drinking a secret. It took Al-Anon to help me realize that not only had I been trying to keep his drinking a secret to save him from embarrassment, I also harbored some guilt because I somehow felt I should be able to help him quit. While I'm not broadcasting that he has a problem or that I'm going to Al-Anon, I'm also not keeping it a secret. I'm working on faith that my Higher Power will help me discern the who/how/when aspect. In the meantime, I'm so very grateful for other Al-Anon members who are on this journey. Peace.
Good for you, it makes me think of 'When nothing changes, nothing changes' You have done something different and its scary because it may be the beginning of change for you and your family. You have reached out here, thats different, you've told your family. Don't feel guilty or bad, this is not the wrong thing and is likely the best thing for you and your daughter as well as him. Alcoholism thrives, grows, kills people when its all hidden away. I also wouldn't be too concerned about his reaction because he wants more than anything to continue undisturbed, unnoticed without any hassle and so he most likely will throw in the guilt thing, the going behind his back thing, the poor him thing. Its the disease talking. Hes in denial and this may challenge that and believe me anything that challenges the denial is a good thing for him. Keep making these changes, one day at a time and you will find you will get different results that may be difficult but will be healthier and more honest for everyone in your family.