Opening conversation about drinking and what that means ..
SerenityRUS said
May 2, 2017
So I am really struggling with the idea that my oldest is off to college in 4 months and in no way have I prepared her for the real world .. and what I mean by that is I want to download ALL of my street smarts NOW so she doesn't have to learn the hard way. I have way more life experience than she needs, .. I just want her to be smart about it and girl is book smart like no tomorrow .. street smart .. I question. LOL.
It's so weird because my BF brought up a conversation about alcohol. He's obviously aware of the history. He gets it however he doesn't get it, it's an interesting history .. his not mine to share .. anyway .. he suggested we allow my oldest to drink before attending college so she at least knew her limits .. I don't agree and he respects that. Before anyone looses their mind to much .. lol .. a funny thing happened on the way home from therapy today. (I think that should be a play and it actually is one via Shakespeare .. LOL.) She brought up addiction drugs and alcohol both and we were able to have a really difficult conversation about past, present and what she thinks alcohol represents. I was unsure how to bring it up .. so I'm grateful she did.
Alcohol is so different than drugs .. I mean it's really difficult to put a leash on something that is legal vs something that is not. She has a better grasp in terms of she really remembers the stuff she went through with her dad and what living with active alcoholism was like .. and it's not to say it couldn't happen to her .. I do not live in denial over that .. all I can do is give her over to her high power and pray she continues to have good sense. I can give her information and coping skills the bottom line it's up to her to figure out what works and what doesn't. We had a BIG discussion about anxiety and alcoholism .. self medicating her dad .. her papa .. her grandmother and her great grandparents .. need I go on .. then there is my history.
I drink, it depends on my mode if I drink a couple times a week or if I go for weeks/months or years. I have walked a line that can be scary so I don't drink when depressed, irritated or when I feel impulsive. I am an aware drinker .. meaning I am very aware when I have had enough .. I am very aware of when I choose to drink. It doesn't make me a better drinker .. I just know me. I can have a blast drinking .. honestly I have more fun sober .. that's just me.
She's going from a controlled environment into on her own environment and that's scary for me because as a parent I want to wrap her in a bubble and tell her she can leave the closet when she's 50 .. LOL. I know that is MY fear and MY projection/concerns. There are no guarantees and damn it I want one.
After listening to her talk I feel better about saying no to my bf's idea and we discussed the pro's and con's of it .. at this point she is not interested in terms of she wants to be in a better head space. She is aware of her challenges in terms of knowing that she lacks the maturity to deal with drinking today. She's curious of course .. in speaking with her today I realize she gets it and she knows herself better than I did at that age so it makes letting go just a little easier. i have promised a trip to Las Vegas for her 21st and she's really excited about that being a girls weekend for us. This is not to say either of my kids won't have issues .. LOL .. they do .. we all do .. I am so grateful that she is even willing to have conversations with me about these things. More will be revealed and I told my daughter .. she will need to take a self defense class, and pepper spray .. I teased her I'm sleeping so well because my body is making up for the lack of sleep for the time of insanity with her dad and apparently I need to save up for her first year of college. We talked about making sure that we are in contact no less than we are now .. she's a good kiddo and I have faith in the God of my understanding that He will guide us both during this journey .. my son .. I need a higher power plus 50 guardian angels and I might be able to sleep without twitching. I can't even with him at the moment .. LOL .. I will be having nightmares if I think about it to much. He's not done anything to give me pause. It's a me thing.
Anyway, it was a mentally exhausting day today and I am grateful it's done. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful counseling session we had .. the counselor was awesome .. although I'm sure he's wondering who's paying the bills at work .. LOL .. one good thing about working in childhood advocacy there are some perks. I think the next 5 weeks are going to be very productive for her and I know she's found some relief and she can take some healing steps forward.
One funny .. there was a question about did you experience extreme trauma as a child and I looked at him and said can you qualify that statement? I mean seriously .. do you think that extreme trauma includes living with an active alcoholic who was popping pills and drinking as well as a crazy mother who was trying to hold it together .. extreme trauma enough .. how about dealing with your parents crazy divorce of 3+ years constant court, or having to testify against your father because he was making bad choices? Ironically she was qualified as being neglected while in his care .. I am sooo grateful I have full custody. I find the question ironic though because how do you measure the trauma of living with an addict? I mean outside of the obvious because it is so much more for children than just obvious physical trauma it's the emotional stunted growth.
It was just an interesting day that brought up and validated a lot of my past choices.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
May 2, 2017
Good Job Serenity I suggest that yo might provide her with information regarding alcoholism and the disease concept, otherwise it sounds like a great session.
SerenityRUS said
May 2, 2017
Oh goodness Betty .. both of my kids have been to open AA meetings (speaker too) as well as at least attended Alanon events .. so I know my girlie at least has the language. They know RA's who have slipped and one's who have not .. so they both have a good idea of what recovery looks like. One of the ways I explained the compulsion of addiction to them was to use a bowl of candy as an example .. and both could relate to that story because they both love candy .. lol. It was the easiest way to describe to them what it was like and how trying to ignore the bowl of candy wasn't always easy. We do talk about the addiction in terms of mental disease that affects the body, mind and spirit as well .. she feels pity for her dad at this point .. not much more and she knows she wants to take a different path. I think my issue is knowing how many A's have used self mediation to cope with specifically anxiety (she got a front row seat to what that looks like).
hotrod said
May 2, 2017
Great Then she is well armed with important information.
andromeda said
May 2, 2017
Wow, I just had a similar conversation with my son today, as well. We talked about how much Al Anon meetings may help him and he told me his dad's drinking is getting out of control lately and how much that worries him.
We talked, again, about family history and I feel the same as you. I want to wrap him up in bubble wrap until he's 50, but I know people who became alcoholics at 50, too.
So I am really struggling with the idea that my oldest is off to college in 4 months and in no way have I prepared her for the real world .. and what I mean by that is I want to download ALL of my street smarts NOW so she doesn't have to learn the hard way. I have way more life experience than she needs, .. I just want her to be smart about it and girl is book smart like no tomorrow .. street smart .. I question. LOL.
It's so weird because my BF brought up a conversation about alcohol. He's obviously aware of the history. He gets it however he doesn't get it, it's an interesting history .. his not mine to share .. anyway .. he suggested we allow my oldest to drink before attending college so she at least knew her limits .. I don't agree and he respects that. Before anyone looses their mind to much .. lol .. a funny thing happened on the way home from therapy today. (I think that should be a play and it actually is one via Shakespeare .. LOL.) She brought up addiction drugs and alcohol both and we were able to have a really difficult conversation about past, present and what she thinks alcohol represents. I was unsure how to bring it up .. so I'm grateful she did.
Alcohol is so different than drugs .. I mean it's really difficult to put a leash on something that is legal vs something that is not. She has a better grasp in terms of she really remembers the stuff she went through with her dad and what living with active alcoholism was like .. and it's not to say it couldn't happen to her .. I do not live in denial over that .. all I can do is give her over to her high power and pray she continues to have good sense. I can give her information and coping skills the bottom line it's up to her to figure out what works and what doesn't. We had a BIG discussion about anxiety and alcoholism .. self medicating her dad .. her papa .. her grandmother and her great grandparents .. need I go on .. then there is my history.
I drink, it depends on my mode if I drink a couple times a week or if I go for weeks/months or years. I have walked a line that can be scary so I don't drink when depressed, irritated or when I feel impulsive. I am an aware drinker .. meaning I am very aware when I have had enough .. I am very aware of when I choose to drink. It doesn't make me a better drinker .. I just know me. I can have a blast drinking .. honestly I have more fun sober .. that's just me.
She's going from a controlled environment into on her own environment and that's scary for me because as a parent I want to wrap her in a bubble and tell her she can leave the closet when she's 50 .. LOL. I know that is MY fear and MY projection/concerns. There are no guarantees and damn it I want one.
After listening to her talk I feel better about saying no to my bf's idea and we discussed the pro's and con's of it .. at this point she is not interested in terms of she wants to be in a better head space. She is aware of her challenges in terms of knowing that she lacks the maturity to deal with drinking today. She's curious of course .. in speaking with her today I realize she gets it and she knows herself better than I did at that age so it makes letting go just a little easier. i have promised a trip to Las Vegas for her 21st and she's really excited about that being a girls weekend for us. This is not to say either of my kids won't have issues .. LOL .. they do .. we all do .. I am so grateful that she is even willing to have conversations with me about these things. More will be revealed and I told my daughter .. she will need to take a self defense class, and pepper spray .. I teased her I'm sleeping so well because my body is making up for the lack of sleep for the time of insanity with her dad and apparently I need to save up for her first year of college. We talked about making sure that we are in contact no less than we are now .. she's a good kiddo and I have faith in the God of my understanding that He will guide us both during this journey .. my son .. I need a higher power plus 50 guardian angels and I might be able to sleep without twitching. I can't even with him at the moment .. LOL .. I will be having nightmares if I think about it to much. He's not done anything to give me pause. It's a me thing.
Anyway, it was a mentally exhausting day today and I am grateful it's done. I am soooo grateful for the wonderful counseling session we had .. the counselor was awesome .. although I'm sure he's wondering who's paying the bills at work .. LOL .. one good thing about working in childhood advocacy there are some perks. I think the next 5 weeks are going to be very productive for her and I know she's found some relief and she can take some healing steps forward.
One funny .. there was a question about did you experience extreme trauma as a child and I looked at him and said can you qualify that statement? I mean seriously .. do you think that extreme trauma includes living with an active alcoholic who was popping pills and drinking as well as a crazy mother who was trying to hold it together .. extreme trauma enough .. how about dealing with your parents crazy divorce of 3+ years constant court, or having to testify against your father because he was making bad choices? Ironically she was qualified as being neglected while in his care .. I am sooo grateful I have full custody. I find the question ironic though because how do you measure the trauma of living with an addict? I mean outside of the obvious because it is so much more for children than just obvious physical trauma it's the emotional stunted growth.
It was just an interesting day that brought up and validated a lot of my past choices.
Hugs S :)
We talked, again, about family history and I feel the same as you. I want to wrap him up in bubble wrap until he's 50, but I know people who became alcoholics at 50, too.